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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 24th July 2017, 9:13 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
How do you know that you don't match up to what people you like actually want?

Also, what exactly does it take for you to actually like someone?
Because I see who they are dating and it quickly becomes clear I am not like this people.


For me its a lot to do with intellect and ability to converse and yes a pretty face does help a lot!


I like people who give me a go, stimulate me to think and just somehow give me that "you can be yourself" feeling, versus I have to tippy toe around someone lest I say something they cannot relate to.
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Old 24th July 2017, 9:28 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
Because I see who they are dating and it quickly becomes clear I am not like this people.


For me its a lot to do with intellect and ability to converse and yes a pretty face does help a lot!


I like people who give me a go, stimulate me to think and just somehow give me that "you can be yourself" feeling, versus I have to tippy toe around someone lest I say something they cannot relate to.
Thanks for the reply.

What you are describing is not so different to what anyone else wants for a partner.


What makes you think you are not like these people, and how can you 'quickly' make a judgement call on people you don't even know?
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Old 24th July 2017, 9:54 AM   #63
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What does irritate me is I know I am not a bad person, I know my good qualities, I know what I am good at but on the court of public/dating opinion those things seem to count for nothing, yet seemingly if one has none of those good qualities one is deemed more desirable. I am not saying I am any different from others but it does seem the "bad boy" image is deemed desirable, I am completely opposite to that.
There. You just did it again.

You are a good person, you are nice, yet you are alone; ergo, women like BAD BOYS.

No. So-called "bad boys" do not enter into this at all. The fact that you immediately jump to this deflection is a symptom of what's holding you back. This is about you, what you can / can't, will / won't do about your loneliness.

There are hundreds of thousands of single women who are not into going clubbing and BAD BOYS.

I understand that you are not an extrovert and that there are many social activities that aren't your thing; I'm not suggesting that you spend your time doing what you hate so you can meet women. What I'm suggesting is that you will need to leave some of your preconceived notions and your comfort zone behind in order to change your circumstances. I am talking long term. Trying something, not getting the desired result, and throwing in the towel and blaming women for liking BAD BOYS is not going to cut it.

Otherwise, remain as you are.
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:13 AM   #64
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Women don't like bad boys. Only dysfunctional women like bad boys...

Most women, seeking a happy and healthy relationship, like a strong man who has confidence and treats them well.

Don't blame your lack of success with dating on the fact that women like the "bad boys." It's simply not true and it's just another excuse.
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:27 AM   #65
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ZA dater, have you ever tried cognitive behavioural therapy? When I read your posts, I am struck by how many negative thinking patterns/distortions you use. Things like - all or nothing thinking, over generalization, focusing on the negative, negative self labelling, catastrophizing, mind reading, should statements, pessimism, emotional reasoning, the fallacy of fairness, locus of control... Distorted thinking patterns that you use everytime you post.

If you haven't considered it, you may want to consider doing some cognitive behavioural therapy to help you to challenge your thinking and work towards achieving your goals. It is essentially what we are all trying to do - challenge your thinking so that you can move past these negative thinking patterns. If you decide to try cognitive behavioural therapy, it could actually be the single best thing you do for yourself...

Negative Thought Patterns, Cognitive Therapy, CBT

https://positivepsychologyprogram.co...es-worksheets/

Last edited by BaileyB; 24th July 2017 at 11:51 AM..
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Old 24th July 2017, 2:10 PM   #66
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You can tell a guy who is 5.4 he can play basketball and he can but chances are he wont be any good at it. Instead you can tell him to play baseball, he might be better at that. A stupid analogy but you get the general idea.
But you're trying to play this sport, the one that everyone else is playing, so there's no sense in saying you can't play because you're not as qualified as someone else. Accepting the circumstances, playing by the rules, learning the nuances, and trying to win is the only option available. If you want women, you have to learn a about dating and relationships to do it. You can't just pivot to some other set of circumstances where everything's comfortable and easy for you, that's nonsensical. Golf is the game you're trying to play. You might not be Tiger Woods but if you practice, you might not be entirely terrible and you might enjoy yourself.

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As time goes on I get better at certain things but few are of any actual help with the following.

1: Meeting people, my only option is Tinder (been on all the others and the pool of people is so small each site is a replication of the other)
2: Getting dates
3: Getting 2nd dates.
People meet each other outside of Tinder. You just don't want to try and meet people in person because it's uncomfortable for you. Maybe if you tried to step out and do something new -- and not half-ass it and make excuses to as to why it's utterly impossible -- your luck would change. There's only one way to find out. Will it be easy? No. Will it be comfortable? No. Will you be successful immediately? Probably not. But it will provide you with a better chance of getting what you want than whatever you're doing now.

That being said, I'm guessing you have some convenient excuse as to why you can't, right?

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Yes, I seem people I find attractive often but I simply don't even bother because I know I am not the sort of person they will like/they aren't likely to be single and I wont ever be that person they do want, irrespective of my own good qualities.
I didn't know you were a mind reader. Pretty convenient.

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That's the reality of it.
No, that's a childish excuse disguised as a warped interpretation.

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SO yes I can go and practice whatever, smiling, new clothes, new style, spending on material things but ultimately it doesn't make a difference because I don't match up to what people I like actually want.
No, it doesn't make a difference because you haven't done it well enough yet, you assume that doing it once and not getting the desired outcome is a good enough reason to justify never doing it again, and you gave up before you figured out how to do it in a way that got you what you wanted.

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Think about what that is like....
I'm not trying to be harsh, but your feelings are irrelevant. Everyone suffers heartaches of one kind or another. Yours aren't any worse, they're just different. At the end of the day, the universe is not going to bestow you with good fortune in some act of karmic sympathy. You can either conquer your fear, discomfort, and sadness, and have a shot at changing your circumstances, or you can admit defeat and accept that nothing will change if you don't. The people who get up, dust themselves off, and get back on the horse are the ones who will get what they want. The ones who refuse to change because they're too scared (you fall firmly into this category) definitely won't.

Which is it going to be? How much of your life are you going to spend being scared and not trying to get the things you want? And I mean actually trying -- not just buying a new shirt at Sears and then saying it was pointless because no one noticed it, realized what a nice guy you are, and immediately wanted to sleep with you because of it.

I empathize with you as we've all had pain, myself recently, and it's awful. I wish it on no one. The difference between you and me is that I'm going to get back into things with a fiery vengeance, kick my own ass in the gym even harder, improve my diet even more, step out of my comfort zone even more, and make more improvements, sacrifices, and compromises until I get what I want. You're just going start another thread wondering how you can find success without having to do anything you don't feel like doing. You're going to let your hurt feelings keep you cowering in fear, and I'm going to murder mine. PROVE ME WRONG.

Last edited by normal person; 24th July 2017 at 2:13 PM..
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Old 24th July 2017, 2:57 PM   #67
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But you're trying to play this sport, the one that everyone else is playing, so there's no sense in saying you can't play because you're not as qualified as someone else. Accepting the circumstances, playing by the rules, learning the nuances, and trying to win is the only option available. If you want women, you have to learn a about dating and relationships to do it. You can't just pivot to some other set of circumstances where everything's comfortable and easy for you, that's nonsensical. Golf is the game you're trying to play. You might not be Tiger Woods but if you practice, you might not be entirely terrible and you might enjoy yourself.



People meet each other outside of Tinder. You just don't want to try and meet people in person because it's uncomfortable for you. Maybe if you tried to step out and do something new -- and not half-ass it and make excuses to as to why it's utterly impossible -- your luck would change. There's only one way to find out. Will it be easy? No. Will it be comfortable? No. Will you be successful immediately? Probably not. But it will provide you with a better chance of getting what you want than whatever you're doing now.

That being said, I'm guessing you have some convenient excuse as to why you can't, right?



I didn't know you were a mind reader. Pretty convenient.



No, that's a childish excuse disguised as a warped interpretation.



No, it doesn't make a difference because you haven't done it well enough yet, you assume that doing it once and not getting the desired outcome is a good enough reason to justify never doing it again, and you gave up before you figured out how to do it in a way that got you what you wanted.



I'm not trying to be harsh, but your feelings are irrelevant. Everyone suffers heartaches of one kind or another. Yours aren't any worse, they're just different. At the end of the day, the universe is not going to bestow you with good fortune in some act of karmic sympathy. You can either conquer your fear, discomfort, and sadness, and have a shot at changing your circumstances, or you can admit defeat and accept that nothing will change if you don't. The people who get up, dust themselves off, and get back on the horse are the ones who will get what they want. The ones who refuse to change because they're too scared (you fall firmly into this category) definitely won't.

Which is it going to be? How much of your life are you going to spend being scared and not trying to get the things you want? And I mean actually trying -- not just buying a new shirt at Sears and then saying it was pointless because no one noticed it, realized what a nice guy you are, and immediately wanted to sleep with you because of it.

I empathize with you as we've all had pain, myself recently, and it's awful. I wish it on no one. The difference between you and me is that I'm going to get back into things with a fiery vengeance, kick my own ass in the gym even harder, improve my diet even more, step out of my comfort zone even more, and make more improvements, sacrifices, and compromises until I get what I want. You're just going start another thread wondering how you can find success without having to do anything you don't feel like doing. You're going to let your hurt feelings keep you cowering in fear, and I'm going to murder mine. PROVE ME WRONG.
Actually I don't feel the need to prove anyone wrong. You get a lot of things wrong again, I have tried to get the things I want, I just happen to want some others quite a bit more than I want dating and grovelling at peoples feet in the hope they might date doesn't really interest me, I am being deliberately extreme here because just the past weekend I was out and not even two tables away was some dude selling his soul to some chick who looked about as interested in what he was saying as she would sitting in a dentists chair. I guess you call that selling.


You can mock it as much as you want, I really don't care, I have tried on my terms to get what I want and I am guessing about now someone is going to reply "but you didn't follow the steps or the programme or whichever supposed dating guru's book on "how to"." You simply cannot live a life by steps and programmes, I tried it for many years, you just end up over thinking each and every item and it becomes tiring in the extreme.


As much as it might irritate you, you are simply wrong, there are many people who never stop trying but still don't get what they want, would they have been better to accept defeat and try live a happier life away from rejection, that for them to decide.


In terms of the bold I don't see a need to try and manipulate a certain outcome. I do things for a purpose and if after a time I see no change I simply stop doing them, especially if they aren't serving any purpose or bringing any tangible results. Life is a better place when I do this.


Rules in dating? Didn't know any existed, the limit of what you are prepared to try being governed by your own morals and standards.


I don't have an issue meeting people in person, I do most days on a business level but socially I have nothing in common with most people but that's my problem, clearly I need to bend over backwards.
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Old 24th July 2017, 2:58 PM   #68
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Thanks for the reply.

What you are describing is not so different to what anyone else wants for a partner.


What makes you think you are not like these people, and how can you 'quickly' make a judgement call on people you don't even know?
Because most of the people I like aren't single.
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Old 24th July 2017, 3:10 PM   #69
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There. You just did it again.

You are a good person, you are nice, yet you are alone; ergo, women like BAD BOYS.

No. So-called "bad boys" do not enter into this at all. The fact that you immediately jump to this deflection is a symptom of what's holding you back. This is about you, what you can / can't, will / won't do about your loneliness.

There are hundreds of thousands of single women who are not into going clubbing and BAD BOYS.

I understand that you are not an extrovert and that there are many social activities that aren't your thing; I'm not suggesting that you spend your time doing what you hate so you can meet women. What I'm suggesting is that you will need to leave some of your preconceived notions and your comfort zone behind in order to change your circumstances. I am talking long term. Trying something, not getting the desired result, and throwing in the towel and blaming women for liking BAD BOYS is not going to cut it.

Otherwise, remain as you are.
Apologies if it appeared I was apportioning blame, that wasn't my intention.


I just sometimes cannot fathom why people like who they do, look at an ex co worker, her BF did nothing, she moved apartments, he was too busy to help, I helped. Someone else she ran out of fuel, bf was nowhere around and I was called. Why is it people gravitate to people who seems to care so little or are apparently so thoughtless?


If I think about it a lot of the things I like about myself are often the things which seem to make me person non grata on the dating field. People don't seem to like nice guys, its an over used word but lots of people describe me as that.


For me to change anything I'd need to overcome the monumental notions that people have about guys, which is extremely hard. I may as well recount this here, the last date I had she gave me a proper kiss and I sort of fumbled though it but I couldn't hide the fact I hadn't done that before, it was immensely awkward. Second date, nope it didn't happen.


People keep saying desired result, the only result I want is to feel I am getting better at something, rejection I can accept if I feel I have improved but I simply am not improving, dates aren't any easier to find and when I do by some miracle they aren't really going any better. Success for me would be date 2, I feel that's a very modest objective.
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Old 24th July 2017, 3:21 PM   #70
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OP, I agree that your lack of experience is making things difficult. I can attest that before I got into a few relationships, my thinking was similar to yours.

I think people who are young, or inexperienced, or didn't have an example of a loving relationship growing up tend to have difficulties when it comes to dating and relationships. The thing is the problem lies in their thinking. As many have pointed out your thinking is flawed. And it's not easy to change our thinking at all, so I do understand your struggles.

One mistake most people who struggle have is that they put way too much emphasis on attraction, and way too little emphasis on connection. We feel connected to people that share the same core values that we do. Mutual attraction is an important factor too of course, but focusing solely on that is detrimental.

My advice, especially if you're dating strangers through OLD, is to date a lot of people. Don't just hold out for someone you absolutely know you will be interested in. And realize that you won't be compatible with the vast majority of strangers. None of us are!

But if you're focused on strangers, it's just a numbers game. The more people you meet, the better chance you have of meeting someone that shares your values, that wants the same thing in a relationship, and where there is mutual attraction. It might seem insurmountable, but if you don't go on any dates, it will be impossible.

And as much as you'd just like to push down that desire you have to love and be loved (because you're human and we all have that desire), it won't work. Much better to accept that desire, and then put in the work (i.e. date a lot of people).

When you're compatible you won't feel a need to change who you are because the person will accept you as you are. And you'll accept them too. That's why one should focus on connection, rather than attraction...
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:23 PM   #71
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Because most of the people I like aren't single.
This reply reminds me of my younger sister a little bit. She is in her mid-30s, beautiful inside and out, completely independent, hugely introverted, very little relationship experience but is holding out for an ideal that doesn't exist (as is the nature of ideals!).

She tried a little online dating and found the few guys she met to be nice but never attractive enough, and has a history of developing crushes on unavailable guys (not single, players, not right for her, etc.).

We have had many talks about this over the years and this boils down to this - she may claim she wants to be in a relationship but her actions and life choices say otherwise, and she is a lot less available than she thinks she is.

For her, it seems to me like it's a mixture of fear, naivity, insecurity, vanity, immaturity and complacency. She says she feels lonely at times, but obviously not lonely enough to do something positive about it other than day dream of a prince charming.

So OP, if you are honest with yourself, hand on heart, can you say you are giving the dating process a genuine go without assumptions or ready-made excuses?
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:48 PM   #72
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Because most of the people I like aren't single.
Well, that's clearly not going to be a very successful strategy for you.
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:51 PM   #73
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This reply reminds me of my younger sister a little bit. She is in her mid-30s, beautiful inside and out, completely independent, hugely introverted, very little relationship experience but is holding out for an ideal that doesn't exist (as is the nature of ideals!).

She tried a little online dating and found the few guys she met to be nice but never attractive enough, and has a history of developing crushes on unavailable guys (not single, players, not right for her, etc.).

We have had many talks about this over the years and this boils down to this - she may claim she wants to be in a relationship but her actions and life choices say otherwise, and she is a lot less available than she thinks she is.

For her, it seems to me like it's a mixture of fear, naivity, insecurity, vanity, immaturity and complacency. She says she feels lonely at times, but obviously not lonely enough to do something positive about it other than day dream of a prince charming.

So OP, if you are honest with yourself, hand on heart, can you say you are giving the dating process a genuine go without assumptions or ready-made excuses?
This is it... There is good common sense truth in this post.
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:04 PM   #74
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How do you know that you don't match up to what people you like actually want?
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Because I see who they are dating and it quickly becomes clear I am not like this people.
But one person can date all different kinds of people.
Just because she is dating an extroverted gym rat doesn't mean she wouldn't much rather be dating an introverted bookworm and is on the look-out for one as we speak, or vice versa.
People can date all sorts, you can't just write yourself as you appear to be not her "type".
People can change their "type" too, as their focus and priorities change or if they meet someone who they just "click" with.
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Old 24th July 2017, 6:33 PM   #75
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But one person can date all different kinds of people.
Just because she is dating an extroverted gym rat doesn't mean she wouldn't much rather be dating an introverted bookworm and is on the look-out for one as we speak, or vice versa.
This seems awfully far-fetched. If I'm the introverted bookworm (which I'm pretty close to) and see an attractive woman coupled with an extroverted gym rat, she might as well be screaming at me "I wouldn't be caught dead with you, you nerdy, shy, wimpy, chicken-livered girly-boy."

How can someone be attracted to two people that opposite? Maybe it's a Mars-Venus thing? As a man, and assuming traditional gender roles when it comes to approaching, it seems unfathomable for me to be that wide open when it comes to looks and qualities that I think I would be attracted to.
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