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When you like what you cant have?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 23rd July 2017, 1:00 PM   #46
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I feel for you OP because it is really, really hard. My friends were tired of listening to me ask the same questions "Where are all the intelligent, kind, funny guy?" I wasn't finding these guys at work and the advice to go to the bookstores, the hard wear stores, play soccer, etc... never seemed to work for me either. So, I hear you. It's hard to meet people and even harder to meet someone with whom you feel like you really connect.

But still, I feel like you are making this so much harder for yourself than it really needs to be... I hope someday you can get out of your own way and let it happen...

I agree. Lol at how people claim they totally aren't saying people are all the same, but 'intelligent' people all hate pop culture and hang out at book stores (lol) with their head in a Feynman book. So your best shot is to feign interest in theoretical physics and pretend to be an extrovert if you are an introvert your whole rship.

But yea, ZA has things he can change and work he can do (most if not all of us do) and we all can see that he can be much more successful in his romantic life if he makes these changes.

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Old 23rd July 2017, 1:47 PM   #47
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I agree. Lol at how people claim they totally aren't saying people are all the same, but 'intelligent' people all hate pop culture and hang out at book stores (lol) with their head in a Feynman book. So your best shot is to feign interest in theoretical physics and pretend to be an extrovert if you are an introvert your whole rship.

But yea, ZA has things he can change and work he can do (most if not all of us do) and we all can see that he can be much more successful in his romantic life if he makes these changes.
LOL. If you wrote your online dating profile in the style as the bolded, you'd likely have your pic of almost ALL the intelligent guys out there. I mean, not so much the content but the style. You obviously have quite a quick sharp wit, more so than most women doing OLD.

Getting back to the topic, I sort of agree with this (you and Bailey) too. Meeting the right person is hard. But OP, you write as if you are uniquely cursed. You are not.

I'm not going to try to argue with you OP point-by-point but you already got some good stuff in your thread.
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Old 23rd July 2017, 2:30 PM   #48
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I think the problem is that most of us "want what we cannot have" originally, but we meet real live people and our expectations and filters get modified to meet the practicalities of real life. Some of our expectations will turn out to be impossible to achieve, and others will take on greater significance, as we navigate through the dating waters.

As you have not really been exposed to dating real live people, then your hopes and dreams for that perfect person are more or less intact or even deeper ingrained the older you get.

YOU are not 18 and will put up with the mad, bad and frankly insane all in the course of learning what works.

No you want the finished article, exactly as you imagined her, nothing else will really do. That feat however will always be very hard to accomplish with no prior experience of dating and relationships under your belt.
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Old 23rd July 2017, 2:47 PM   #49
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Did you read the post to which you've just replied? Here is an excerpt:



If you don't want an intelligent woman, but yearn for a woman who loves pop culture and going out to clubs, you probably should learn about pop culture and get comfortable with going out to clubs.

If you want a religious woman, you would be wise to learn about whatever religion and start going to church.

Etc.

No where is it implied that "every lady is exactly the same."

Every person in every aspect of life will need to stretch beyond their comfort zones and self perception if they want to reach farther. If a person refuses to do that, refuses to grow and change, they are stuck. This is true socially, in work, in education and also in maintaining and nurturing already established relationships.

I believe that some humans are happier "stuck." I don't know about you. You seem to be very determined to never grow or change in any way; you seem to view it as equivalent to selling yourself out - but you often bemoan the results of adhering to that.

If you like every aspect of your life exactly as it is, change nothing.
Here is the thing I not unhappy with life but for the fact I cannot find anyone to share it with. I can go out and enjoy things, go cycling and feel quite content, go driving in the country, go to the beach and generally enjoy things but all around me I am reminded that when I want to share things I have nobody to share with.


What does irritate me is I know I am not a bad person, I know my good qualities, I know what I am good at but on the court of public/dating opinion those things seem to count for nothing, yet seemingly if one has none of those good qualities one is deemed more desirable. I am not saying I am any different from others but it does seem the "bad boy" image is deemed desirable, I am completely opposite to that.


I have definitely evolved, we all do. I try to smile more, lighten up more but the results simply are not there, not only that the opportunities have practically disappeared.
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Old 23rd July 2017, 2:56 PM   #50
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OP do you even WANT to succeed? MOST (but not all there are a few exceptions gotta give you credit for that) of your threads can be summed up 'Nothing I do works so no use trying'. And then when people come on here and give you suggestion after suggestion, you simply shoot them down 'Oh this wouldn't work for me because...' .
Sure and I do try but NOTHING ever leads to any tangible measureable improvements. I still battle to get dates and when I do I


1: either cannot stand the person sitting in front of me
2: like the person and she drops me like a stone for no apparently reason.


I don't like bars, clubs so where exactly do you suggest I start looking as we have already ascertained book shops etc. are nothing than dollar earning ridiculous tips with limited practical value, has ANYONE here ever met a BF/GF in book shop?


The telling thing is I don't have many friends but this isn't unique, a friend of mine has no issue getting dates but he has no friends really but he is charming, light hearted and has this magnetism ladies seem to love. Oh and he can flirt and my attempts are just that attempts.
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Old 23rd July 2017, 3:04 PM   #51
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I think the problem is that most of us "want what we cannot have" originally, but we meet real live people and our expectations and filters get modified to meet the practicalities of real life. Some of our expectations will turn out to be impossible to achieve, and others will take on greater significance, as we navigate through the dating waters.

As you have not really been exposed to dating real live people, then your hopes and dreams for that perfect person are more or less intact or even deeper ingrained the older you get.

YOU are not 18 and will put up with the mad, bad and frankly insane all in the course of learning what works.

No you want the finished article, exactly as you imagined her, nothing else will really do. That feat however will always be very hard to accomplish with no prior experience of dating and relationships under your belt.
I hear you and good point but I have actually met up with lots of people from OLD and none really match up to people I have liked, so the practicalities are not lost on me nor as the fact you cant judge a person till you have actually spent time with them.


Impossible is a word I refuse to accept when other people I know land up with exactly what they want with seemingly blissful ease.


Kudos because you admit that experience is important....There are people around I would consider dating but the reality is they don't see me like that.


General question, when you date someone do you like the person? Or do you tell yourself he or she is what you want even if they aren't?
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Old 23rd July 2017, 3:30 PM   #52
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General question, when you date someone do you like the person? Or do you tell yourself he or she is what you want even if they aren't?
Life is too short to spend with people you don't like (a lot). But I don't expect to "like" someone after meeting them for 5 minutes; I try to give it some time for the chemistry to grow. Generally I think if you don't feel excited to see them again after 3 dates (assuming you communicate frequently between dates), it's probably not enough chemistry to work. I didn't have sparkling chemistry with my SO on the very first time meeting him (thought he was too serious, and he is, to strangers), but it only took 2 more dates for him to open up, and by the 3rd date I already had a feeling it was going to work out. Of course you will never get to know a person until at least a few months/a year in, but I would say after 3-4 dates/a month knowing the person, don't keep on going hoping they'll change if you don't already like the version you're seeing. Nobody changes for anybody.
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Old 23rd July 2017, 5:12 PM   #53
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1: Really, if there is such a set formula why is it millions of men struggle, if there were a set formula it would imply every lady is exactly the same?
If "millions" of men struggle, most of them figure it out eventually. Billions have done it.

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2: If you have this magic formula good for you.
There is no magic formula, but there is a way to go about it to increase your odds. Let's say your friend is a great golfer and you want to be as good as him. He can't just say "hit it really hard to get it close to the green, slightly less hard to get it on the green, then precisely putt it in. Now you're a great golfer."

In real life there are way more nuances than that. Your friend is different than you, maybe he's stronger or more accurate. He has different natural abilities. He has different clubs. He has muscle memory. You can't hit it right where you need to yet because your swing still needs work. Every hole is different and the same advice can't apply all the time. What happens if you get stuck in a sand trap?

Your friend, or even the best golfer on Earth can tell you all you need to know. It's not like they're successful because they know some secret. They've just worked at it, dealt with their unique circumstances, refined themselves through trial and error, and improved until they were good. Ability to adapt and execute is the difference. You seem very unwilling to go through that sort of process. Opposed to it, even.
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Old 23rd July 2017, 6:33 PM   #54
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Really, if there is such a set formula why is it millions of men struggle
Fear and laziness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXGq8rlq2I0
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Old 23rd July 2017, 10:14 PM   #55
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General question, when you date someone do you like the person? Or do you tell yourself he or she is what you want even if they aren't?
I have to like the person. I've been on dates where I didn't and they were so unfulfilling I never did again. Pretty much anyone can get a date or a relationship if they lower their standards far enough. It's no accomplishment. I have to be relatively sure I'm attracted to the person to where I will get butterflies or I do not bother.
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:43 AM   #56
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General question, when you date someone do you like the person? Or do you tell yourself he or she is what you want even if they aren't?
What do you mean by like?

Every woman I've dated (actually dated or been on dates with) has had her flaws.

I judge how much I like a person by the happy moments they give me. If the unhappy moments outweigh the happy moments, then I know it's time to move on. Sometimes it's easy. If I'm generally quite happy with the person, but I think maybe I could get a better match, then I have a difficult decision to make.

Loveshack people will tell you one thing, but most of my friends did not marry a person they 'knew was the one'.

One of my friends from college who is an extremely good looking guy and unbelievably social (in the hipsterish vein) married a woman who lived in our dorm who he told me multiple times in college he had absolutely no attraction to. This is a guy who had women coming up to him at bars and clubs and telling him how hot he was.

Life can be EXTREMELY unpredictable...

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Old 24th July 2017, 3:36 AM   #57
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Life is too short to spend with people you don't like (a lot). But I don't expect to "like" someone after meeting them for 5 minutes; I try to give it some time for the chemistry to grow. Generally I think if you don't feel excited to see them again after 3 dates (assuming you communicate frequently between dates), it's probably not enough chemistry to work. I didn't have sparkling chemistry with my SO on the very first time meeting him (thought he was too serious, and he is, to strangers), but it only took 2 more dates for him to open up, and by the 3rd date I already had a feeling it was going to work out. Of course you will never get to know a person until at least a few months/a year in, but I would say after 3-4 dates/a month knowing the person, don't keep on going hoping they'll change if you don't already like the version you're seeing. Nobody changes for anybody.
The bold for me is very important and well put because I think we are all guilty to lesser or greater degrees of "throw away".


Then again I suppose lack of physical attraction is justification for rejecting after 5 min..
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Old 24th July 2017, 3:54 AM   #58
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If "millions" of men struggle, most of them figure it out eventually. Billions have done it.



There is no magic formula, but there is a way to go about it to increase your odds. Let's say your friend is a great golfer and you want to be as good as him. He can't just say "hit it really hard to get it close to the green, slightly less hard to get it on the green, then precisely putt it in. Now you're a great golfer."

In real life there are way more nuances than that. Your friend is different than you, maybe he's stronger or more accurate. He has different natural abilities. He has different clubs. He has muscle memory. You can't hit it right where you need to yet because your swing still needs work. Every hole is different and the same advice can't apply all the time. What happens if you get stuck in a sand trap?

Your friend, or even the best golfer on Earth can tell you all you need to know. It's not like they're successful because they know some secret. They've just worked at it, dealt with their unique circumstances, refined themselves through trial and error, and improved until they were good. Ability to adapt and execute is the difference. You seem very unwilling to go through that sort of process. Opposed to it, even.
Well in way you are actually agreeing with me that there is no magic formula.


I disagree with the lot of the rest, purely because its not like people read manuals before they start dating in high school. Yes, you can increase your odd but at what cost? An unhappy life perhaps while you chase what never arrives, I have actually been down that road and have no desire to go there again, where I went through a phase of doing what people told me to do and you know what I wasn't any better at finding people but I was very unhappy.


People are happy to dispense advice, that's easy to find, practical advice that takes into account he person in front of them is near to impossible to find. You can tell a guy who is 5.4 he can play basketball and he can but chances are he wont be any good at it. Instead you can tell him to play baseball, he might be better at that. A stupid analogy but you get the general idea.


As time goes on I get better at certain things but few are of any actual help with the following.


1: Meeting people, my only option is Tinder (been on all the others and the pool of people is so small each site is a replication of the other)
2: Getting dates
3: Getting 2nd dates.


Yes, I seem people I find attractive often but I simply don't even bother because I know I am not the sort of person they will like/they aren't likely to be single and I wont ever be that person they do want, irrespective of my own good qualities. That's the reality of it. SO yes I can go and practice whatever, smiling, new clothes, new style, spending on material things but ultimately it doesn't make a difference because I don't match up to what people I like actually want. Think about what that is like....
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:08 AM   #59
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SO yes I can go and practice whatever, smiling, new clothes, new style, spending on material things but ultimately it doesn't make a difference because I don't match up to what people I like actually want. Think about what that is like....
How do you know that you don't match up to what people you like actually want?

Also, what exactly does it take for you to actually like someone?
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Old 24th July 2017, 7:38 AM   #60
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I'm a victim of over-thinking too many things, so I see a lot of those traits in you, too. It can feel more comfortable to think through a series of hypothetical situations that span an entire hypothetical relationship with someone and convince yourself it's not worth pursuing. But sometimes for folks like us, I think it would do us better to actually take action rather than think about action.

I don't really have much to add, since we've had some form of this discussion again and again, but I do think you are in your own head a bit too much for your own good.
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