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When you like what you cant have?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 29th August 2017, 8:49 AM   #331
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Originally Posted by Blanco View Post
If the OP put half as much effort into some of the recommended changes that he does into the mini-manifestos he writes about why he's got no good fortunes with women, I think he'd see some improvements. Maybe not his pie-in-the-sky dream situation, mind you. But then, I still think that is fostered by him never having had an actual relationship to show him that dating our ideal is often both unrealistic and not the only way to have a worthwhile relationship.
Absolutely agree.
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Old 29th August 2017, 1:56 PM   #332
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This made me giggle - that's self depreciation, humour and banter/flirting right there! :0


All good!
Synergy between work and the club is OK but as you run it I think you could kind of expand the club in a few possible different ways. I'll explain later.


Again, al the trips etc all sound like great fun things to do. What you could do (which I don't know if you already do) is when you go on the trips - even breakfast remember that you're at a venue (most likely?) so keep your eyes open, look around when you enter any and I mean ANY venue.
The person looking around and catching eyes (if you like a lady definitely look at her face and her eyes (from a distance) more than once.
You say the club is not a dating environment but actually anywhere and everywhere you go is potentially a place to meet someone.
I myself have really had to concentrate on this as I have a habit of focusing completely on who I am with and it becomes a real habit.
I can become so involved in my group of folk that I don't notice things or people around me.
Now, you are single, your group knows this so if your eyes wander off a few times or even if you politely break away from the group then they'll understand. You might get a little bit of teasing (and if you get any twerps saying 'hey he's never been on a date' then you have to find a comfortable way for you to roll with it right at the moment.
So, even though the people in your club are not single it doesn't mean you can't meet someone whilst out with the group.
There's ways to 'be seen' in venues too, say you get a couple of looks from a lady in response to yours, the next time you need to move - eg - visit the counter/the toilet/the cutlery station you walk past her. A moving object in a venue is more noticeable than a static one.

In the past we've also discussed your dress sense and style. I know you don't wear jeans and I think (?) you wear cargo pants (khaki green/grey/beige) relaxed fit cotton with pockets (if you know the type of thing) look great as a jeans substitute.
So, going along this line again - yeah sorry! I have 100% no doubt that if you asked a few of the married ladies in your club to get together for a day and get you kitted out - they would love to help. Choose a group of ladies who are friends and who dress well and whose husbands dress well. (one huge thing is to make sure their husbands always wear trousers which are long enough and not cut up at the ankle - this is a very common error and looks dreadful).
I think I have mentioned before to you that I've very willingly helped a few friends out who have asked me for help on this and they were 'happy as' with the results and each spent around 250 but went home with a full wardrobe of weekend clothes and tips for what suits them.
Another important thing which I read somewhere and now realise myself is that it matters more to a woman what a man is wearing than it does to a man what a woman is wearing.
Don't go for 'too smart', you want a casual look for weekends.
And, I recall you re-styled your hair - make sure you like it but keep it managed and in shape. If you don't like what you have then get recommendations from one of the guys and try out some new places and new stylists.



Observations are good, do this do that can get annoying (I am sure I have become annoying to you in this thread ( but remember that each situation is different and each person is different so something which didn't work for you with one person on 'X' day might work with someone else on 'Y' day.
Something to always try to remember is that a person might just be having a really bad day for whatever reason. Realising this can absolutely help with not taking things as personally. (A great book on this and a few other subjects is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - I seriously recommend reading this and learning how to build the principles into your life - seriously!)
But, as I said earlier - always keep your eyes open, even out at the grocery store or DIY store (a very good place to meet someone actually).



So, let's flip this a bit.
What you have here is women you are attracted to whom you have opened up to (or they have you) and therefore an emotional bond has developed.
This is why opening up is a good thing and not a waste of time.
The topic doesn't need to be and shouldn't be (on a date) about dating - but this is where bits and pieces of your life story, growing up etc come in.
BOTH men and women need some emotional bond but one of you has to take the first leap of faith and open up so please do try this out more.


So, keep it up.
Usually the types of humour which can be a turn off are:
Belching, farting, toilet humour.
Sexual humour before it's appropriate.
Sexist humour.
Incredibly dry and leaning towards nasty humour.
Another one is humour that gets missed because your voice may not be loud enough (a pretty common trait with us shy people!!). A cough to clear your throat and one loud enough for folk to look is good for making sure your voice is loud and clear and takes just a second before you interject with something funny. But if you make people laugh you will know how far your voice carries so won't need to cough next time but also because you were funny with the last thing you said they will be watching out for the next thing you say....because they're waiting for another funny comment.
This is all best in a group obviously but still make sure what you say is loud and clear enough.



I am running out of time here an need to get myself off to work so replies to this last part and track events etc I will finish up tonight.
Some vey good insight there! Thank you!


In terms of dress I tend to dress "skinny" which works with my physique, that being more athletic than muscle bound. So its mainly skinny trousers which fit basically the same way jeans do.


Admittedly I must say it was nice having someone telling me what I looked good in and what didn't work (she is a model and in some ways has a story not too dissimilar to mine in some respects) and I could gain some confidence and do gain confidence by knowing I look quite good.


Hair is slicked back Woolf of Wall Street Style (cant thing of any other way to describe it).


Agreed on the bond thing, sometimes it works and other times not, I sometimes think that bond needs to be relatable to some extent, if it isn't its much harder to get that bond. For better or worse people tend to describe me as very honest, in fact someone I know quite well phones me when she needs an honest opinion.


I don't suffer from a quite voice but I am quite measured in how I speak, preferring to listen first, perhaps thoughtful would be best to describe it BUT the awkwardness can be a severe problem and it spins off a lack of confidence. I try hide it, really I do but somehow it will come out somehow.


Maybe I don't show enough enthusiasm towards some dates but truthfully if I think back many of them I shouldn't have even been on because the people weren't that attractive.


I'll try change tact and see if people catch my eye and try and ignore the fact that seemingly everyone I run into isn't single! OLD is much easier though I will admit even if the selection is awful, you introduce yourself and if she you get a reply great if not, move on. In person you just feel like an idiot, an awkward one in my case.
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Old 29th August 2017, 1:58 PM   #333
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Agreed. I think I mentioned as much two weeks ago: He's very well-spoken and has a calmer demeanor than a lot of the chronic whiners I've seen start the same type of threads again and again. But at its core, this is really no different. Just lots of round and round, with very little actual progress or shifts occurring.

If the OP put half as much effort into some of the recommended changes that he does into the mini-manifestos he writes about why he's got no good fortunes with women, I think he'd see some improvements. Maybe not his pie-in-the-sky dream situation, mind you. But then, I still think that is fostered by him never having had an actual relationship to show him that dating our ideal is often both unrealistic and not the only way to have a worthwhile relationship.

Hopefully the OP has found something to take away within the 300+ responses of this thread, but this thread has ventured into written masturbation, so perhaps it's time to move on.
Not sure how you ascertain how much or how little effort I put in, if there is someone I like and it appears I have a realistic chance then yes I put the effort in.
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Old 29th August 2017, 2:52 PM   #334
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Not sure how you ascertain how much or how little effort I put in, if there is someone I like and it appears I have a realistic chance then yes I put the effort in.
And since you've convinced yourself you don't have a realistic chance with anyone you actually find desirable, effort on your part to actually generate different results is minimal.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:59 AM   #335
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I don't suffer from a quite voice but I am quite measured in how I speak, preferring to listen first, perhaps thoughtful would be best to describe it BUT the awkwardness can be a severe problem and it spins off a lack of confidence. I try hide it, really I do but somehow it will come out somehow.
I honestly intended to come back and post last night but I came down feeling poorly yesterday afternoon and now you've just dropped another few little nuggets of info in here.

Can you describe to me the awkwardness bit please?
How do you mean? How does it manifest? I don't need you to tell me how you feel when it happens as I know (I used to be awkward myself - a lot less so now but it still crops up sometimes! Lol!).

Give me a bit more info and I can give a fuller reply.
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Old 30th August 2017, 1:21 AM   #336
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I honestly intended to come back and post last night but I came down feeling poorly yesterday afternoon and now you've just dropped another few little nuggets of info in here.

Can you describe to me the awkwardness bit please?
How do you mean? How does it manifest? I don't need you to tell me how you feel when it happens as I know (I used to be awkward myself - a lot less so now but it still crops up sometimes! Lol!).

Give me a bit more info and I can give a fuller reply.
Hope you feel better soon.


I guess could be described as self conscious, which is quite stupid actually but I feel this huge pressure so I become nervous BUT I must say this doesn't happen all the time, sometimes its fine, other times not.


Thinking about it, a lot probably has to do with me trying to make the most of a situation.
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Old 30th August 2017, 1:46 AM   #337
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Hope you feel better soon.


I guess could be described as self conscious, which is quite stupid actually but I feel this huge pressure so I become nervous BUT I must say this doesn't happen all the time, sometimes its fine, other times not.


Thinking about it, a lot probably has to do with me trying to make the most of a situation.
Thanks ZA! I felt rough as anything last night!

Trying too hard?

If you have missed the opportunity to open a door (just an example) then do you try to not miss it but rushing to the door?
If you are there at the time then great, if you are not don't jump to try to rectify - why? It looks too much and yes it looks awkward. Not being right time right place is OK but jumping to something - like a door can make a person startled.

If this isn't what you mean then I need examples to understand what you mean - but also please add other examples.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 9:36 AM   #338
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Thanks to everyone who contributed ideas and suggestions. I have made a list of what I am going to try and how.


Mostly I am just going to enjoy life, do the things I enjoy and be happy that I can do those things and enjoy those experiences.


I realise the sentiment here is to some negative towards me, which is fine, opinions are valued even negative ones.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:39 AM   #339
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Small update. Yes, you can sometimes have what you want, even if fleetingly and it was a reminder that when it good its really good. For many here its seems odd but I had a really nice lunch last Sunday, the idea wasn't really to end up having a lunch at all but it just happened.


It will only ever be friends but it was still nice to laugh, try out some of the advice given here (it does work) and made me realise once again that you need to really appreciate these moments.


It was a simple lunch but I really enjoyed it and so did she.
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