Starting to think I am just meant to be alone

[Thedubman]

First off I just turned 26 in March and just went on my first date a month ago, yes my first date at 26, I know it's sad and trust me it was not by choice. It became a 1 month fling but I cut it off because I was not attractived to her. It was the first time I had female attention so that's why I let it go on, sad I know but I realized I was wrong that's why I cut it out. Time is ticking though and I am starting to feel ill never find anyone for me. I don't want it to be another 26 years for my next date to come. It's consuming my day to day life and I fear being alone. I'm a decent looking guy but my downfall is that I'm very reserved. That's just who I am, I try my best to be talkative and outgoing. I dress well and I am in good shape. I don't understand what I am doing so wrong. Are women really that difficult and complicated? I'm starting to build a strong resentment towards them. I'm quiet so I can't just go up to a women in public and talk to her, I just plain and simple can not do it and I never been approached in my life so that basically sums it up. Online dating is pointless because you just get one word replies. Any advice? I need to turn this around? I feel like ****.

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

Reserved... think about it in the literal sense. You walk into a restaurant and the waitress says "select any table you please and I will be right with you." You gravitate to table by the window and as you approach there is a card that states reserved. You made no reservation and although the table appeals, unless you are secret VIP who gets off on pomp and circumstance just to grab a burger, you will go to a table that in not reserved. I am the opposite and what you fear does happen to me. Healthy balance. Writing helps me gain insight on my processes. You are the only thing you can change.

 

You have a very common and valid concern of being alone. But what does being together mean to you? Write about it. You need to know what you want and what you can give and then target a girl who is attractive and reserved.

Attractive chatty Kathy may initially find your reserved nature a challenge but hitting rock one time too many and she is gonski. She is probably thinking "damn it. He was so cute." She was thinking she would bring you out of your shell. You both thought wrong. She needed more so she left.

 

Alcohol helps the quiet. Abstemious and reserved? Hit the library. I am serious.

Edited April 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[preraph]

It's real hard to meet people if you won't be outgoing and social to some extent. I mean, reserved doesn't have to mean you can't talk to people, but I understand you can't cold approach a woman, and really that doesn't usually work anyway.

 

Your best bet is to get a little out of your comfort zone and put yourself in group activities (or classes, interactive ones -- cooking, lab) that are coed. Join a softball league. If you hate sports, maybe you like music and would enjoy going to clubs for gigs. One of the big-picture problems now is people are just staying in on their social media, so it's hard to go find anyone. But activities and meetups (search your town and meetups for special interest meetups), being active in any hobby, swimming, boating, playing pool or darts, rock collection (join a local rock club). Volunteering is a great way to not only meet people but make yourself feel really proud and boost your own self-esteem. I had a bad long depression once and the only right thing I did was go take classes at the zoo and then volunteer there one day a week for a year. People appreciate you when you volunteer.

 

Google your town name and "volunteer" for lists of opportunities. If you wanted to meet single moms, mentor youth or volunteer to help dress the low-income kids for prom, procuring suits and all that. My friend does that and says it's the best thing she's ever done. One friend of mine who was a computer genius volunteered doing free computer work for a charity. Train online to become a scout leader. I mean, the list is endless. Volunteer at the library, whatever is up your alley.

 

You being reserved, your best hope is to have repeat contact with people through those activities so you can get used to each other and get to know each other. Good luck.

[BlueIvy]

First off I just turned 26 in March and just went on my first date a month ago, yes my first date at 26, I know it's sad and trust me it was not by choice. It became a 1 month fling but I cut it off because I was not attractived to her. It was the first time I had female attention so that's why I let it go on, sad I know but I realized I was wrong that's why I cut it out. Time is ticking though and I am starting to feel ill never find anyone for me. I don't want it to be another 26 years for my next date to come. It's consuming my day to day life and I fear being alone. I'm a decent looking guy but my downfall is that I'm very reserved. That's just who I am, I try my best to be talkative and outgoing. I dress well and I am in good shape. I don't understand what I am doing so wrong. Are women really that difficult and complicated? I'm starting to build a strong resentment towards them. I'm quiet so I can't just go up to a women in public and talk to her, I just plain and simple can not do it and I never been approached in my life so that basically sums it up. Online dating is pointless because you just get one word replies. Any advice? I need to turn this around? I feel like ****.

As a woman, you can't exxpect women to approach you. The average woman isn't going to do that. You have to step up your game and go outside your comfort zone. If you are decent looking and in good shape, then you shouldn't have an issue attracting women if you put in the work.

It doesn't have to be a big thing, you can just play dumb and ask for directions and start up a conversation from there. Like, if you see a woman in the grocery store that's cute, you can ask her about a fruit or something. If she thinks you're cute, she will engage in a convo. Then you can ask for number.Or if you see someone at a party, you can ask her if she knows anyone or mention the music is good.

 

Women aren't that complicated, if we like you, we will be receptive to you. If we don't like you, we ain't gonna smile at you, try to engage with you or anything.

[BearwithMe]

at 33 now..i am thinking same..but youre just 26 and u still got time to date and enjoy your life..i guess feeling alone is normal but being alone is a choice..dont give up tho..even though that we have the same worry now..i still believe that there is always someone out there for us..we just have to work on it..dont give up on online dating..there are people who thinks same like u..there are still people who are hopeful to find one online if not in real life..so date more..be active and go out with your friends

[grays]

I was married for 25 years and have had about a million dates in the almost three years Ive been single, but I clicked on your thread because Im having the same feelings. Im just really scared Im not going to find someone I click with. Im a relatively attractive, smart, fun person but very few people have wanted to really have a serious thing last the first few dates and the ones that have just havent worked for me.

 

Anyhow, I say all that because even tho our situations look different it probably leads us to the same frustrating lonely place. And I think there are more people there than you think.

 

So obviously I havent figured this out, but still, I think you need to figure out how to get and go on dates (tho it does sound like the one person you actually dated was into you, which is awesome). If I was in your shoes Id consult a professional, maybe a behavioral psychologist or poke around online and see if you can find a dating coach or something. But it should be someone who's gonna be more than just a cheerleader, someone who can really help you get past feeling uncomfortable approaching women.

 

And I do think the cold approach is hard for anyone and there're lots of people who get dates without ever doing that. But you need to feel relatively comfortable approaching women just to talk and get to know them a little.

[Mysterio]

I have a childhood friend that has a GF for the lat 3 yrs. I see him as more alone than me, who does not have a GF. His life is basically caring for his almost 20 yr old sone Quarter time as far as I am concerned. He hangs with his GF all the time and barley sees his friends. When he got married to his long time GF in 2010 he only had me and another friend at the wedding.

 

He has since seperated from his wife and has this new GF for about 3 yrs or so. he even wanted to leave his son, who was going through some eating disorder problems, to live with his new GF in another city. I actually had to go talk to him and set him striaght. He did not listen, felt it was his time to live. He left his job and went out there and came back 2 months later and then his GF followed him back here.

 

Now he has to work two jobs and his GF does not work, she needs to finish getting her GED and she has some problems as well. I see him as way more lonley than anyone I know.

 

Having no Love partner does not make one lonely. I think having no friends/family/Co-worker is worse. So don't think that your destined to be alone forever at 26 is a death sentence.

 

Its nice to have the romanctic/sex side of life with a partner, but it has to be maintained and its not so locked into for life.

 

I wonder if a lot of us should just live our lives and let love come to us, without having to seek it out so much. Any type of love that has come for me has always been when I never sought it out. No major love conneciton has happend when I have been the driving force.

 

I do prayer and vision to manifest what I want at the moment in love/life and see where that gets me.

[Chilli]

Might've just been a bit soon for you grays. Married 25 only single 3 so far.But yep ,l know how you both feel too, well sort of for Poster anyway. l was married 16 together 20 too, we split 4yrs now.

And your right it's really bloody scary, l worry too.

The women are much older , all been through the mill and a lot of them 1/2 crazy too. Whole nother ball game to when l was single last.

But l've been with someone 14mths now but that hasn't worked out and l must admit , again , after my divorce too , not feeling too rosey about the future right now either.

 

To Op though ,l dunno man. Your only 26, plenty of time for you yet.

At least you got into something for awhile, that's a start.

For you it's not about quantity but quality, nothin wrong with that as a matter of fact for me quality wins every time. Although you could change yourself and end up a dating guru if you tried , or wanted too, but hey that wouldn't be you anyway unless you'd rather be more out going or whatever , some people would so theu make a big effort and change in time.

 

But l think if not , if l was you one thing l'd probably do given your pretty quiet and that, is keep my eye out for that special girl , someone that really takes your fancy and whereyour a bit alike. And when you see her, suck it up and go get her.

No excuses , don't pass it up, just try it.

But either way , you got plenty of time yet.

Edited May 5, 2017 by Chilli

[Mysterio]

Does anyone really think that there is something really wrong with you, because you don't have a Romantic Partner.

 

I really don't. I really think that some of us are so hyper focused on the dating and trying to make it happen that we create artifical versions of ourselves. We compromise just so someone will like us.

 

I stay true to myself. My Ex wanted kids. I did not because I did not feel we were gelled at that point to have them. So I stayed true to myself.

 

I think I am easy. All my woman would have to do is treat me well. Engage me in interesting conversations and laughs mixed with physical affection pepered throughout the week with our shared lives. Thats it. She desires the same from me as well.

[ZA Dater]

A lot of what the OP says I can relate to, well not the having a relationship part but the lonely part.

 

 

I think its quite tough to deal with, its easier for people who haven't experienced it to suggest solutions because they cant really relate.

 

 

You need to believe in self worth because otherwise loneliness just ends up making you feel worthless. Yes, we all need people but perhaps the true way to feel better is to try and understand why we don't have the success we so desire.

 

 

Ask yourself these questions

1 Do you have lots of friends?

2 Do you meet a lot of people?

 

 

Myself I answer both of those as NO which basically explains why I am the way I am. The point I am trying to make is, at 26 you can change things you can turn things around BUT you need to have the motivation to, which of all the difficult things I have attempted, motivation to date is extremely hard to find.

[Chilli]

But what l don't get is why do you even have to date, why not just do your thing until that somebody really worthwhile pops up.

Well , works for me anyways.

 

Although l don't like being single these days and l do worry l must admit that maybe l've used up all my luck

[Cookiesandough]

You can go up to women and talk, you just have to step outside your comfort zone. If it's really worth it to you to get a date you have to put in more effort. Sorry for the platitude, but "nothing ventured, nothing gained"

 

Sitting around as you are waiting for girls to approach hasn't been working, so you gotta switch it up. Either by improving yourself or by approaching women (and for most efficacy - both)

 

Make it a monthly goal to get rejected by 40 girls. Delete the lawyer, hit the facebook, gym up and go out and approach. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

 

 

Not that I don't completely understand how you feel!

 

Oh yea and as someone above mentioned, get a social life if you don't already have one of those. It helps a lot!

Edited May 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Vareg]

Any advice? I need to turn this around? I feel like ****.

 

You do not have to be alone if you don't want to, you're only starting to get used to it.

[Thedubman]

You can go up to women and talk, you just have to step outside your comfort zone. If it's really worth it to you to get a date you have to put in more effort. Sorry for the platitude, but "nothing ventured, nothing gained"

 

Sitting around as you are waiting for girls to approach hasn't been working, so you gotta switch it up. Either by improving yourself or by approaching women (and for most efficacy - both)

 

Make it a monthly goal to get rejected by 40 girls. Delete the lawyer, hit the facebook, gym up and go out and approach. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

 

 

Not that I don't completely understand how you feel!

 

Oh yea and as someone above mentioned, get a social life if you don't already have one of those. It helps a lot!

First all guys thanks for all of the advice, it's much appreciated, haven't been on for a week. I agree, I need to establish a social life again. It's crazy how you use to be one of the popular kids in high school, was well liked in college, had tons of friends, have girls like you without doing anything ( I may have over exaggerated a little bit when I said I never had women come to me even though it's been a good 4 years since that has happen, basically since I graduated college). Now that I am 4 years removed from college, I have no friends, apart from maybe a few part-time friends. Most have moved on in life, got married, got careers, had a few go into the military, and a lot have moved away from the area. Went from being very well liked and having tons of friends, to becoming a complete loner within 4 years. No female contact since college other than the fling I had about a month ago. Acting like a cool guy and waiting for women to come to me no longer works, because not one female has approached me or liked me in 4 years. Thanks for the wake up call guys, I feel a lot better now. I know exactly where I need to start to make things better again. I've gotten to comfortable being a loner which truly is not me. I need to get my swagger back and have that pep in my step again. I'm tired of late nights on Facebook looking at old pictures of how great my life use to be. Thanks again all, I'll let you guys know how everything work out

[Thedubman]

First all guys thanks for all of the advice, it's much appreciated, haven't been on for a week. I agree, I need to establish a social life again. It's crazy how you use to be one of the popular kids in high school, was well liked in college, had tons of friends, have girls like you without doing anything ( I may have over exaggerated a little bit when I said I never had women come to me even though it's been a good 4 years since that has happen, basically since I graduated college). Now that I am 4 years removed from college, I have no friends, apart from maybe a few part-time friends. Most have moved on in life, got married, got careers, had a few go into the military, and a lot have moved away from the area. Went from being very well liked and having tons of friends, to becoming a complete loner within 4 years. No female contact since college other than the fling I had about a month ago. Acting like a cool guy and waiting for women to come to me no longer works, because not one female has approached me or liked me in 4 years. Thanks for the wake up call guys, I feel a lot better now. I know exactly where I need to start to make things better again. I've gotten to comfortable being a loner which truly is not me. I need to get my swagger back and have that pep in my step again. I'm tired of late nights on Facebook looking at old pictures of how great my life use to be. Thanks again all, I'll let you guys know how everything work out

 

Would it be a bad idea to start seeing a therapist, I actually I think I've become depressed over the last few years? Any suggestions?

[Mysterio]

I think the best therapy is to workout. Have a hobby and start thinking that your a star and have a diverse life. A GF is nice, but life is more than that. Too many people think they are lacking without love. Sometimes. We can't have everything at once.

 

Sometimes we have to wait. I know people that have rushed into situations and none of them had major control and have to live with things that they don't want. Like having kids right away and not really know each other. Would you want that.

 

I predict for myself that I will stay single for awhile. I will meet a woman that is ideal for me. Yet she is coming from the universes picks. Not my personal pick. So it won't be some woman that I am eyeing up.

 

More later....

[Cookiesandough]

I think therapy is a good idea. It can be a useful tool, if not to help with chemical depression, to get counsel and direction. That can feel overwhelming sometimes. Where to even begin. A professional could help you organize things and make getting life back on track easier. Best wishes!

[Righteous_Redd]

Been divorced 4yrs after a very tumultuous 26yr marriage. Dating last 3yrs. Very few choosable (sp?) men out there. The few times I think I've met good ones but it's all a game. Men will claim to be searching for love or relationships but in my experience all they want is sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex but I'm not a slut looking to bed hop. I want something more substantial. Men either don't approach me at all (if I hear I'm intimidating one more time...)or they blatantly hit me up for sex. I'm not shallow or looking for a perfect man because I am far from perfection myself. But someone of substance, reasonably attractive and intelligent. You don't have to be rich or lead a glamorous life. Just be real, be honest and open. Apparently these basic attributes are like asking for a million dollar check in my mailbox. Loneliness sucks and I often feel ill always be single, but I'd rather be single than settle. I have found that most women (myself included) will go for a man who's bald or a little overweight, not so so perfect, if they're kind and sweet with a good heart. Men however want perfection packaged in a. 25yr old body with an ass you could build a house on. I'm no beauty queen but I'm a decent looking woman for my age (50 soon) and I'm a fun, outgoing and open minded person with a big heart who's giving, romantic, free spirited sexually and loves run on sentences. But I feel the only thing I'll ever catch is a wicked case of boredom. I just don't remember dating being this abysmal or lacking in fun. #smdh

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Been divorced 4yrs after a very tumultuous 26yr marriage. Dating last 3yrs. Very few choosable (sp?) men out there. The few times I think I've met good ones but it's all a game. Men will claim to be searching for love or relationships but in my experience all they want is sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex but I'm not a slut looking to bed hop. I want something more substantial. Men either don't approach me at all (if I hear I'm intimidating one more time...)or they blatantly hit me up for sex. I'm not shallow or looking for a perfect man because I am far from perfection myself. But someone of substance, reasonably attractive and intelligent. You don't have to be rich or lead a glamorous life. Just be real, be honest and open. Apparently these basic attributes are like asking for a million dollar check in my mailbox. Loneliness sucks and I often feel ill always be single, but I'd rather be single than settle. I have found that most women (myself included) will go for a man who's bald or a little overweight, not so so perfect, if they're kind and sweet with a good heart. Men however want perfection packaged in a. 25yr old body with an ass you could build a house on. I'm no beauty queen but I'm a decent looking woman for my age (50 soon) and I'm a fun, outgoing and open minded person with a big heart who's giving, romantic, free spirited sexually and loves run on sentences. But I feel the only thing I'll ever catch is a wicked case of boredom. I just don't remember dating being this abysmal or lacking in fun. #smdh

 

Not to hijack the OP's thread, but I have found this to be true as well. Men do want physical perfection out of women even in their 40s and 50s.

[Mysterio]

Righteous_Redd You look very sweet and sharp in your pic. Don't settle. Take your time and enjoy the ride.

[thefooloftheyear]

Not to hijack the OP's thread, but I have found this to be true as well. Men do want physical perfection out of women even in their 40s and 50s.

 

And women want the most Alpha, best career, etc..

 

Men want the best they can possibly get physically...No difference if they are 20 or 60.......The marketplace dictates who winds up with what...Man or woman...

 

I will tell you this, though...

 

If you are a guy in your 40's and 50's and actually bring a lot to the table(looks, money, physique, etc..), then the average woman of the same age better be pretty special...It's not anything more than a numbers game and supply and demand...Its really no different for women when they are in their prime physically(20's)..They look for perfection, because they have a lot of options...

 

TFY

[GorillaTheater]

I'm no beauty queen but I'm a decent looking woman for my age (50 soon) and I'm a fun, outgoing and open minded person with a big heart who's giving, romantic, free spirited sexually and loves run on sentences.

 

 

If I wasn't a married man ...

[Eternal Sunshine]

And women want the most Alpha, best career, etc..

 

Men want the best they can possibly get physically...No difference if they are 20 or 60.......The marketplace dictates who winds up with what...Man or woman...

 

I will tell you this, though...

 

If you are a guy in your 40's and 50's and actually bring a lot to the table(looks, money, physique, etc..), then the average woman of the same age better be pretty special...It's not anything more than a numbers game and supply and demand...Its really no different for women when they are in their prime physically(20's)..They look for perfection, because they have a lot of options...

 

TFY

 

It's just depressing that men are that obsessed with looks and youth. I am in late 30s and even average looking men my age with just any full time employment (forget about success or wealth) that have no major baggage are looking for physical perfection.

 

The only realistic options are men that are far below our league in every way or men that have crazy ex wives and 3 children and are broke and totally messed up.

 

And it only goes downhill as we get older. I have decided to just give up.

[mightycpa]

Not to hijack the OP's thread, but I have found this to be true as well. Men do want physical perfection out of women even in their 40s and 50s.

There's no such thing, but I'll admit, guys probably shoot for as close as they can get.

[Mysterio]

For me I want my woman to look good for her age. There is no need for her to be Grey haired unless she is 60 +. She should spruce herself up and make her self look good from head to tow. I am not talking bot tox, but take care of herself as I do myself.

 

As I get older. I am way more into personality and I want to have a sense of Warmth between us as we get together.

 

I have a female friend that is 20 yrs older than me. I am 46. I think she looks great. If she was single and wanted me. I don't think I would put up much of a fight.