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I must be Ugly or something.


Heartbrokenandhurt

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Heartbrokenandhurt

I'm having a really hard time recently, well actually all my adult life.

 

If you've seen my posts in the Break up section you'll know my last boyfriend ended things after 6 months after 'losing feelings for me'. He never came back.

 

When I look back at my Dating/Love Life history, I realise its not the norm for most 26 year old women. I have had only 3 Short term relationships in my life and all ended for the same reason. They 'lost attraction', they 'lost feeling', the relationship had 'run its course' for them. After 2 months, 4 months, 6 months.

 

Although my ex-ex and ex-ex-ex were years ago when I was 19 and 20, so maybe they don't even count because they didn't get as serious as my last at 25. In which I met all the family and stayed over at his, family, went out with them etc.

 

I'm a very loyal person, I'm a good listener, I give advice, I can be fun but also serious when I need to be, Reliable. I have a decent job, friends, not loads of them but a few close ones who I can go out with. My last ex told me he still liked me as person and that I'm lovely, but were not right for each other... for whatever reason. All my friends and co-workers have told me I'm a nice person which leads me to believe that my problem in finding love is my looks.

 

And that's really disappointing because I try! I'm not overweight, I'm skinny but not too skinny, I'm told I have a great figure. I get my hair done every 6 weeks to keep it looking good. I'm really into fashion and always dress well and not over the top for the occasion. I wear a little Makeup. I take care of myself. The only thing I really dislike about myself is my nose. Its not massive, just slightly big but it is a funny shape, abit bumpy... I'm solving this anyway because I have a Nose job booked in a few months time. And sadly I feel this is happening because I'm not accepted as I am. I want to be more attractive to men. Or more importantly, just to that one special person who doesn't seem to exist. :( I'm 26 years old and nobody has ever told me 'I Love You'. Its hurts so incredibly, more than anything.

 

I think back to when I have dated, and the guys who I seemed to have actually liked have never wanted to go further or I get in a relationship and it ends up being really short term. Sure I have dated guys I haven't felt it with aswell but I end it before it becomes too serious.

 

I'm getting very down about all this. Recently, My boss asked to have a word with me and told me that I'm not myself anymore, that I'm snappy and look moody all the time. I don't even realise I do this... but I know its all to do with how undesirable and unworthy I feel inside. This is horrible, theres been times I've felt not being here would be better than this life. But really... I just want things to fall into place... All I ever wanted was to Love and be Loved. Don't know whats wrong with me. Its even more highlighted now 2 of my friends have moved into their first places with their long term boyfriends and are engaged.

Edited by Heartbrokenandhurt
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It's not your looks, because I see gargoyles dating and in relationships! It also can't be your looks because your boyfriend chose to date you...in other words, he was physically attracted to you at the outset and nothing has changed about your physical appearance.

 

Relationships run their course because of other things...not looks. Things like incompatibility, shifts in values, shifts in what you both want, the way you interact with each other, the way you treat each other, etc.

 

In describing why you're the perfect girlfriend, you make yourself sound like a reliable friend, a solid workhorse or a trusty pet dog, not a girlfriend. I suspect that dynamic may have played a role.

 

Anyway, on to the next. At 26 you're just getting started!

Edited by angel.eyes
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Simple Logic

I doubt your nose has anything to do with not meeting the right guy. Your description sounds like you are a great catch, but there is one word you left out - sexy. Do you think you are sexy? I not saying you should dress like a hooker, but are you dressing very conservative?

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You can dress conservatively and still be incredibly sexy. It's more about your attitude and how you interact with others, than it is about your clothes.

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RecentChange

I agree, its not your looks.

 

There are people that lets say have very unfortunate looks – yet they are in loving relationships.

 

If looks were the only thing that mattered, every pretty girl would be forever in love, and all the average and less attractive girls would be forever single.

 

But that is simply not the case.

 

If a man find you attractive enough to take out on a first date – he is attracted to you.

 

Men do not decide you are physically ugly after 2 months.

 

Did you gain 75 pounds during the relationship? Perhaps not bathe for two months? Did you radically change your look, shave off your hair, grow a beard and start wearing extremely unattractive clothes? No? Well then its not your looks.

 

People DO find that perhaps they are not as compatible as they should be after a few months. This is very very common.

 

THIS right here is your biggest hurdle:

 

.. but I know its all to do with how undesirable and unworthy I feel inside. This is horrible, theres been times I've felt not being here would be better than this life.

 

We do not get our value from other people, we get it from ourselves. You have to know, and believe that you are desirable, and worthy, and you know it because you think you are a pretty cool person.

 

Relationships aren't meant to fill holes. People are attracted to others who appear to be complete, and happy in their own skin. I doubt changing your nose will change about how you feel about yourself at your core.

 

The irritability, the not being yourself, the feelings of unworthiness - have you considered that you may be clouded by depression? Would you consider talking to someone to see if they could give you some tools to better manage these feelings?

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It takes much more than being a nice person for another to want to be with us.

 

For example, my hubby and his mates have all dumped girls because they weren't assertive enough. Others may get dumped because they are too negative. Or not motivated enough. Or their life view doesn't mesh with their partner. Or their life goals are too different. Different morals and ethics. Incompatible sense of humour. Low self esteem. Incompatible sex partner.....the list is endless.

 

Think about each guy who broke up with you, did you feel that they were The One? If not, then it stands to reason that the feeling was mutual. But if you did think each guy was The One, then that's a problem in itself.

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DrReplyInRhymes

Go to the gym and get in shape.

 

Quit eating fatty foods.

 

Use makeup.

 

Get a therapist.

 

Should fix you up.

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It's not your looks. If it were you wouldn't be getting any dates to begin with.

 

It sounds like it might be your confidence. Girl, from how you described yourself (fun, reliable, slim, good job, etc.), you are a catch! Now act like it. Walk around with your chin up knowing that you are the ish. Because you are. And if a guy no longer wants to be with you? Pshaw. Bye! Next! There are plenty of other guys out there.

 

Know your worth and act like it. It will make you feel better and will attract the right kind of guy.

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Ok, let's look at the last relationship you wrote about. It's as clear as day why he ended it....and it wasn't about your looks. His words when he ended it "I can't give you what you need" were 100% accurate. Meanwhile, you were complicit because you couldn't recognise when to call it quits. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608188-don-t-know-what-happened

 

In a nutshell: guys woos you. When he's got you, he dumps what turned out to be a romantic facade and relaxes. You talk about it and nothing changes. So you fight, nag and become resentful. He finds your behaviour intolerable so he ends it. Then you end up heartbroken because you lost a guy who you were unhappy with. This is just crazy.

 

What should have happened is when nothing changed following your conversation, you should have recognised incompatibility and walked away before you got to the point of being a PIA.

 

You would do well to learn how to walk away. Knowing that you can leave an unsuitable relationship will do wonders for your self esteem.

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Heartbrokenandhurt

Thank you for the comments. I wouldn't describe myself as Sexy no, im quite inexperienced and maybe that showed. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend but of course theres been years between each that I haven't had anyone to become more experienced with.

 

There was a time that I did feel Sexy and Attractive. Back when I was 18/19. After being rejected by my second boyfriend who I thought I were in Love with at the time, my confidence nose dived... I started seeing faults with myself and my self esteam deminished and didn't come back sadly. On top of that I had suffered from Depression and feelings of lower self worth for years. I guess I was waited years to find someone else and I did. (Last ex) But he didn't end up feeling the same and thats so disheartening.

 

Btw, asking how I dress. I'd say I dress fashionably and probably right in the middle of sexy and conserative. For example, I always follow the chest or legs rule... not both! I tend to wear quite fitted things, say skinny jeans and a nice blouse or printed dress. Im probably more a dress/skirt person than Jeans.

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Heartbrokenandhurt
Ok, let's look at the last relationship you wrote about. It's as clear as day why he ended it....and it wasn't about your looks. His words when he ended it "I can't give you what you need" were 100% accurate. Meanwhile, you were complicit because you couldn't recognise when to call it quits. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608188-don-t-know-what-happened

 

In a nutshell: guys woos you. When he's got you, he dumps what turned out to be a romantic facade and relaxes. You talk about it and nothing changes. So you fight, nag and become resentful. He finds your behaviour intolerable so he ends it. Then you end up heartbroken because you lost a guy who you were unhappy with. This is just crazy.

 

What should have happened is when nothing changed following your conversation, you should have recognised incompatibility and walked away before you got to the point of being a PIA.

 

You would do well to learn how to walk away. Knowing that you can leave an unsuitable relationship will do wonders for your self esteem.

 

We rarely talked about feelings. I was resentful about it though, very. And I felt very sad. Towards the end I felt I wasn't myself anymore... I closed off because I felt that from him. I should of asked 'Whats up?' more often but instead the resentment kept building. I was so scared of hearing what I heard the day he broke up so I kept quiet and generally tried to forget it and enjoy my time with him despite how I felt. I was essentially 'acting' and hoping all wasn't as it seemed and that I was wrong. :(

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RecentChange
After being rejected by my second boyfriend who I thought I were in Love with at the time, my confidence nose dived... I started seeing faults with myself and my self esteam deminished and didn't come back sadly. On top of that I had suffered from Depression and feelings of lower self worth for years.

 

You are going to have a very very hard time finding a healthy relationship untill the above is addressed. People that are happy and mentally healthy are attracted to the same.

 

When people have low self worth, they tend to attract abusers and other people who are suffering in ways that do not allow them to foster healthy relationships.

 

It's not your nose. It's not how you dress, or your hair, or your body shape.... It's how you feel about yourself that is holding you back.

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We rarely talked about feelings. I was resentful about it though, very. And I felt very sad. Towards the end I felt I wasn't myself anymore... I closed off because I felt that from him. I should of asked 'Whats up?' more often but instead the resentment kept building. I was so scared of hearing what I heard the day he broke up so I kept quiet and generally tried to forget it and enjoy my time with him despite how I felt. I was essentially 'acting' and hoping all wasn't as it seemed and that I was wrong. :(

 

Also known as burying your head in the sand. This is NOT how to build your confidence, self esteem or a relationship. I say this with as much kindness as possible - you were your own worst enemy.

 

You did mention fighting over it, so I'm thinking that you did talk about how you were feeling but the conversations went nowhere. Asking "what's up?" wouldn't have helped either.

 

The only thing you should have done differently was dump him when you realised that his wooing of you was all a facade.

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Heartbrokenandhurt
You are going to have a very very hard time finding a healthy relationship untill the above is addressed. People that are happy and mentally healthy are attracted to the same.

 

When people have low self worth, they tend to attract abusers and other people who are suffering in ways that do not allow them to foster healthy relationships.

 

It's not your nose. It's not how you dress, or your hair, or your body shape.... It's how you feel about yourself that is holding you back.

 

I understand, however none of my exes knew my self esteam was low, nor did they know I had depression. I always acted as positive as I could because im aware negativity is a turn off.

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todreaminblue
Thank you for the comments. I wouldn't describe myself as Sexy no, im quite inexperienced and maybe that showed. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend but of course theres been years between each that I haven't had anyone to become more experienced with.

 

There was a time that I did feel Sexy and Attractive. Back when I was 18/19. After being rejected by my second boyfriend who I thought I were in Love with at the time, my confidence nose dived... I started seeing faults with myself and my self esteam deminished and didn't come back sadly. On top of that I had suffered from Depression and feelings of lower self worth for years. I guess I was waited years to find someone else and I did. (Last ex) But he didn't end up feeling the same and thats so disheartening.

 

Btw, asking how I dress. I'd say I dress fashionably and probably right in the middle of sexy and conserative. For example, I always follow the chest or legs rule... not both! I tend to wear quite fitted things, say skinny jeans and a nice blouse or printed dress. Im probably more a dress/skirt person than Jeans.

 

 

dont ever concentrate on being sexy..having men want you sexually is not what you really want...that comes later...to attract the right guy....dress modestly...and you will fidn the guy who treats you as more as a vessel for his penis...you will also attarct the guys who are looking at you as a sexual partner.........but it will be easier to know that by what they ask you to wear......i dumped a guy because i found out this way.....i dressed modestly when i was with him...and one day he said to me..why do you wear so much show a bit......you make yourself fat by what you wear......we were goign out...so i sadi ok ..ill change...and i changed into a dress that showed my massive boobs......put on some knee high wedge high heeled boots and matte tights took my pony tail out and made my hair messy and wild.....put on some eyeliner pale pink lipstick some blush some eye shadow........instead of my favorite sneakers and flowy skirts and floaty tops that made me feel pretty and my naturally glowing skin.....so i could just danc and be me.....

 

i came out o fmy room and he went woah ...you are hot.....you look so much thinner......adn we went out....guys tried to buy me drinks i dont drink...i drink water so i declined and guys hit on me nearyl every tiem i went up fro a drink....between dancing.......and one girl even on the dance floor did some flirting moves in front of me......said you are a good dancer.........and i felt like utter ****e......dont dress for others...needless to say i split up with what guy...who told me what to wear......be confident in who you are and your clothes...let them be what you like.....dont be sexy...be you...sex comes later or should......in a guys mind....you are more than a penis carrier.....let them know that woman.....and love that girl..........deb

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RecentChange
I understand, however none of my exes knew my self esteam was low, nor did they know I had depression. I always acted as positive as I could because im aware negativity is a turn off.

 

Oh believe me they knew. Maybe not even consciously but this sort of this affects the way you carry yourself. The way you interact with the world. EVERYTHING.

 

You can't fake it away.

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I understand, however none of my exes knew my self esteam was low, nor did they know I had depression. I always acted as positive as I could because im aware negativity is a turn off.

 

You may think you were hiding it, but low self-esteem, resentment, anger, bitterness, etc. always seep out in ways that you aren't even aware of and poison the relationship.

 

As other posters have pointed out, learn when to walk away. He refused to meet your needs in the relationship. He would have been lost in my skid marks a long time ago! You need to learn how to be healthy enough to expect and have mutually beneficial relationships. Choking down your needs and slapping on a happy face is not a sustainable approach to long-lasting, healthy, satisfying relationships.

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It isn't your looks.

 

I have a pointy nose. It isn't pleasant.

 

And yet I have met plenty of men who fell head over heels for my looks. They thought my nose had character and preferred me to the button nose girls.

 

It is likely your persona and the fact you don't feel sexy or desirable.

 

Do u have something you love about your looks? Pick something. We can't all be perfec tens but surely you have something about your looks that makes you feel good ?

 

For me it's my smile and eyes. And curves. I focus on the positives rather then dwell on the fact I am not a model look alike overall.

 

My exes friends even bullied me and made fun of me. They hit on me and then made out omg Leigh 87 is SO plain and SO ugly and unpleasant that we would never touch her with a ten foot pole. I had many letters of abuse from men and women. Telling me that I am just so ugly that they couldn't help but say something because apparently everyone else thought I was a walrus and it was offensive that I had any confidence.

 

But that didn't dampen my spirit. I always always managed to find many men who saw past my crooked nose and fall for my distinct nose in an instance.

 

We all have our fans. I know blaringly plain women who simply rock their own style and have men in their lives who find them beautiful...and no they didn't have to grow into their looks. They simply fell hard for their so called plain exterior immediately. Looks are subjective enough for that to happen to plain and supposed ugly people.

 

It isn't your looks and rather, how you relate to your looks and subsequently project to the outside world.

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Ok, let's look at the last relationship you wrote about. It's as clear as day why he ended it....and it wasn't about your looks. His words when he ended it "I can't give you what you need" were 100% accurate. Meanwhile, you were complicit because you couldn't recognise when to call it quits. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608188-don-t-know-what-happened

 

In a nutshell: guys woos you. When he's got you, he dumps what turned out to be a romantic facade and relaxes. You talk about it and nothing changes. So you fight, nag and become resentful. He finds your behaviour intolerable so he ends it. Then you end up heartbroken because you lost a guy who you were unhappy with. This is just crazy.

 

What should have happened is when nothing changed following your conversation, you should have recognised incompatibility and walked away before you got to the point of being a PIA.

 

You would do well to learn how to walk away. Knowing that you can leave an unsuitable relationship will do wonders for your self esteem.

 

 

 

Getting into relationships with men who aren't red hot crazy about you from the get go is also a major culprit. Not recognising the signs that a guy is settling for the sake of having a partner.

 

Or perhaps the OP changes her persona to get guys. Then of course once things get comfortable and familiar, her true nature shines through.

 

Both have happened to me and most women I have been friends with.

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curiouslysearching
It isn't your looks.

 

I have a pointy nose. It isn't pleasant.

 

And yet I have met plenty of men who fell head over heels for my looks. They thought my nose had character and preferred me to the button nose girls.

 

It is likely your persona and the fact you don't feel sexy or desirable.

 

Do u have something you love about your looks? Pick something. We can't all be perfec tens but surely you have something about your looks that makes you feel good ?

 

For me it's my smile and eyes. And curves. I focus on the positives rather then dwell on the fact I am not a model look alike overall.

 

My exes friends even bullied me and made fun of me. They hit on me and then made out omg Leigh 87 is SO plain and SO ugly and unpleasant that we would never touch her with a ten foot pole. I had many letters of abuse from men and women. Telling me that I am just so ugly that they couldn't help but say something because apparently everyone else thought I was a walrus and it was offensive that I had any confidence.

 

But that didn't dampen my spirit. I always always managed to find many men who saw past my crooked nose and fall for my distinct nose in an instance.

 

We all have our fans. I know blaringly plain women who simply rock their own style and have men in their lives who find them beautiful...and no they didn't have to grow into their looks. They simply fell hard for their so called plain exterior immediately. Looks are subjective enough for that to happen to plain and supposed ugly people.

 

It isn't your looks and rather, how you relate to your looks and subsequently project to the outside world.

 

Leigh...you are beautiful nothing short of that.

Whoever told you otherwise is an absolute idiot.....this post you made about

men saying that crap is horrible.....were these dudes raised in a barn?????

Where has common decency gone and respect??????

 

You are gorgeous so own it

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Heartbrokenandhurt
Getting into relationships with men who aren't red hot crazy about you from the get go is also a major culprit. Not recognising the signs that a guy is settling for the sake of having a partner.

 

Or perhaps the OP changes her persona to get guys. Then of course once things get comfortable and familiar, her true nature shines through.

 

Both have happened to me and most women I have been friends with.

 

But this is my problem... why aren't they crazy about me? This is the whole point of this thread. :( Thats why im wondering whats wrong with me. I barely notice Men even look at me, its like im invisible despite everything.

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todreaminblue
But this is my problem... why aren't they crazy about me? This is the whole point of this thread. :( Thats why im wondering whats wrong with me. I barely notice Men even look at me, its like im invisible despite everything.

 

 

 

some men have the sideways glance down to perfection....they are true artists at not letting you know ...they is checking you out girl...trust me...some men ....are looking when you aren't...one day ....turn your head as you are walking when after you pass a guy if you catch him doing the same thing ...smile ...if not...try another day.....theres more than one guy out there attracted to you ..but for that to happen you have to be ...out there..or they migth coem to you....more unlikely though......says me...as i hide in my room........i can guarantee it...im not a stunner ....im beautiful in my own way..and i havent ever had a problem with guys wanting to date me......their motivation though...i am more concerned about......which is another topic.........deb

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Based on your previous break-up thread and the emphasis about guys "being crazy" about you, my best guess would be that you have an idealized view of relationships and are looking for it to provide something it cannot. Having to act happy to conceal a depression also cannot be easy, and I'm not sure that it actually works with somebody who knows you well.

 

No, I also don't think it's your nose.

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WaitingForBardot

/..snip../

It's not your nose. It's not how you dress, or your hair, or your body shape.... It's how you feel about yourself that is holding you back.

Quoted for truth.

 

But this is my problem... why aren't they crazy about me? This is the whole point of this thread. :( Thats why im wondering whats wrong with me. I barely notice Men even look at me, its like im invisible despite everything.

You don't notice men look because you don't expect them to, and you only see what you expect to see. Change your attitude and you will see. Not saying it will be easy, but it needs to be done.

 

Slight digression, but these discussions about self worth and self image always remind me of two very large women I saw on a weight loss show many years ago. One of them said "I'm sexy, but I'm fat!", while the other said "If only I weren't fat, I'd be sexy!" Guess which one had an active dating life...

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