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I think I am a dating mess. [Updated!]


MajesticUnicorn

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MajesticUnicorn

Not sure if this should go here or LDR.

 

I went out with some girlfriend's a few weeks ago, after ending things with my last fling I wanted to go out and have fun. Well, one of my good friend's cousins happened to be in town for a concert, and we ran into them and I ended up hitting it off really well with one of them. Had a really great instant connection, great conversation, etc.

 

As the night went on, a lot of alcohol was involved. We ended up staying over at my friend's house, and both passed out in the same bed...no sexual relations at all. We both woke up the next morning, really confused, but still had a really great connection from the few hours we spent talking, kissed a little, he paid me many compliments, etc.

 

I have been trying to get out of my party/hook up phase, so I am glad that I didn't have sex with him the first time meeting him.

 

Anyway, he lives about 45 minutes away. Not ideal, but not a deal breaker for me either as I am usually pretty busy during the week. After he left, we exchanged numbers and have spoken every day since. While I had my doubts, the conversation has been very natural and I appreciate that he has really been putting forth the effort to get to know me showing a genuine interest.

 

So, he is planning to come visit this weekend. Said he would arrive around noon on Saturday so we could grab lunch, and enjoy the nice weather that is forecasted. He didn't really say whether he planned to stay into the evening or not, I guess that will depend on the circumstances. An entire day/evening spent together seems like a lot to me for a first date...

 

Now I'm feeling really nervous about it. I worry that if things don't go well, it will be awkward when we have to spend the entire day/evening together. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited for it. Honestly he is the first guy since my ex that I have been REALLY excited about and have felt that instant connection with. Maybe that is why I'm more nervous than I normally am for first dates.

 

I don't know what to do with awkward silences, I am pretty good at taking the lead on conversations normally, but I worry what will happen if we run out of topics of conversation. Also, in the event that he is planning to stay the night, I am just curious if the expectation for sex will be there since we already shared the same bed with each other upon first meeting each other.

 

We have had a few FaceTime calls <1hr which have helped a bit, but for me personally I am not a huge fan of phone calls/video chats when I'm not fully comfortable with a person yet, so there were a few brief moments of silence that were awkward but I think that is expected?

 

Any tips or advice for getting over the first date jitters/awkwardness?

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This is why first dates should be short < 4 hours.

 

 

Since you already have all this time planned, make part of it active (play mini golf, bowl, etc) or passive (see a movie). What I mean is do things that cause the conversation to flow or do not require conversation.

 

 

Also have a few good conversation starters or current event comments so you can ask open ended get to know you Qs that can fill in any gaps as a jumping off point.

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This is why first dates should be short < 4 hours.

 

 

Since you already have all this time planned, make part of it active (play mini golf, bowl, etc) or passive (see a movie). What I mean is do things that cause the conversation to flow or do not require conversation.

 

 

Also have a few good conversation starters or current event comments so you can ask open ended get to know you Qs that can fill in any gaps as a jumping off point.

 

Yeah, I am kind of hoping that he is planning to head back home and not going to stay the night, but I don't want to offend him by suggesting it. I wish he would've picked coming for lunch/the afternoon, or dinner/the evening, but I am not sure what he has in mind.

 

Doing an activity sounds like a good idea, the weather should be nice so maybe something outdoors. I was also thinking about visiting the local brewery, hoping that maybe a drink or two can take the edge off.

 

If he does end up staying into the evening, one of my girlfriend's rented out space at a really popular bar for her birthday, so that could occupy our time too, and his cousin should be there which may help relieve some of the tension (if there is any).

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Since you are on a plan to not hook up with this guy go easy on any alcohol. If you do drink be prepared to offer up your couch so he's not drinking & driving. Do the share a bed thing again at your own risk. But 45 minutes isn't that long to send him packing assuming he's sober.

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Since you are on a plan to not hook up with this guy go easy on any alcohol. If you do drink be prepared to offer up your couch so he's not drinking & driving. Do the share a bed thing again at your own risk. But 45 minutes isn't that long to send him packing assuming he's sober.

 

That's my thing, I'm not super familiar with the way things work with hooking up/dates/sharing a bed. Is it leading him on if I let him sleep over but don't have sex with him?

 

Definitely won't send him driving if he's been drinking, I just want to figure out what he has in mind for the day I suppose. I don't know how to ask without sounding super off-putting. I'm sure he will probably text me more info later on this week when we get closer to the date.

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Is it leading him on if I let him sleep over but don't have sex with him?

 

 

It depends on where you let him sleep. If you offer the guest room or the couch it's fine. You are not leading him on. You offer to share a bed with him, yes you are crossing into "tease" territory.

 

 

Do you really trust yourself to not let anything happen after you have been drinking & he climbs into your bed? I see no way that stays platonic & cuddly for long.

 

 

You can also drop hints during the week about wanting it to be an early evening because he has such a long drive home.

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Things went well (I think/I hope).

 

We had a few FaceTime calls throughout the week and I felt much more comfortable and at ease with him coming to visit. Of course I still had those first date nerves, but I felt much better after talking within the first few minutes and realized I had nothing to worry about.

 

It was a beautiful day so we went to eat and drink margs on the patio at my favorite Mexican restaurant, met up with some friends at the local brewery, then stayed in for the night and ordered pizza and watched Netflix.

 

I don't think I could've asked for better. The conversation didn't feel too forced, he was very affectionate and actively listened to me, and I think we hit it off pretty well.

 

Of course now I'm just going over everything in my mind, wondering if he enjoyed the weekend as much as I did.

 

The only thing that worries me was this morning we went to breakfast, and things were a bit slower than the day before...probably from spending that much time together all at once. I had a bit of a headache and felt a little out of my element as I didn't want to make him wait around for me to put on makeup...I know that sounds silly, I just wasn't feeling as confident. The conversation was still there but there were some lulls throughout it.

 

When he dropped me off we kissed and hugged for a bit and I mentioned seeing each other next weekend (we'll both be in the same city for a Mardi Gras parade). He said to let him know more details, thanked me for the weekend, etc.

 

Texted me to let me know he was home, the texts haven't been as frequent as they normally are, but I'm hopeful that it's just because we had spent so much time together prior, not because he's fading out? I'm excited and I'm hopeful, I think I'm also just skeptical because I haven't had the best luck with dating this past year, and I don't want to get my hopes up.

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Hasn't texted me back in hours. I know I'm probably over analyzing.. just can't help but feel like he's going to ghost me/fade out.

 

I know I should not be so worried about this after only one weekend together. I just can't help it. I get attached too easily.

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Was he texting promptly before the day together? If the texting pattern has now changed, my guess would be that he was visiting you on the assumption that you guys were going to have sex.

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I know its hard not to feel that way when you begin to like someone a lot.

 

Did you end up sleeping with him?

 

You just have to know that if this for some reason doesn't work out.. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea.

I know it is easier said than done but there is no point getting anxious and worried about this. If it works, it works. If it doesn't you CANNOT force it. Its only been 1 day. You spent 24hrs together. Give him a few days. You can always message him in a few if he hasn't messaged you. If he takes too long to reply or doesnt reply at all, then you have your answer.

 

You have to remember that if a genuine man likes you, he will make sure you know he likes you. He will respect you. The maths is quite simple.

 

In saying that.. Its been 24hrs! Please relax a little. Getting anxious so quickly can come across as needy. Neediness is THE biggest turn off. So just relax and get on with your day as usual. Make yourself busy :)

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Was he texting promptly before the day together? If the texting pattern has now changed, my guess would be that he was visiting you on the assumption that you guys were going to have sex.

 

Yes, up until this point we have texted throughout the day, with increased communication at night when we're both settled down - whether that's texting or talking on the phone. That's why I am feeling more concerned now by the lack of contact. I'm hoping he will text today but I guess at this point I can wait and see. He stopped responding when he clearly could've kept the conversation going if he wanted.

 

He has seemed very genuine and invested in getting to know me up until this point, so I hope not having sex isn't the reason to drive him away.

 

I know its hard not to feel that way when you begin to like someone a lot.

 

Did you end up sleeping with him?

 

You just have to know that if this for some reason doesn't work out.. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea.

I know it is easier said than done but there is no point getting anxious and worried about this. If it works, it works. If it doesn't you CANNOT force it. Its only been 1 day. You spent 24hrs together. Give him a few days. You can always message him in a few if he hasn't messaged you. If he takes too long to reply or doesnt reply at all, then you have your answer.

 

You have to remember that if a genuine man likes you, he will make sure you know he likes you. He will respect you. The maths is quite simple.

 

In saying that.. Its been 24hrs! Please relax a little. Getting anxious so quickly can come across as needy. Neediness is THE biggest turn off. So just relax and get on with your day as usual. Make yourself busy :)

 

Nope, we did not. He seemed pretty respectful about it too and didn't try too hard to push anything which I appreciated.

 

I think part of the reason I'm concerned is because of what I just responded above..it's not necessarily that he hasn't texted me after we spent all this time together, but by the sudden change of pace in contact. I know I'm overthinking it x500 but it's hard not to. I will see how today goes and hopefully he will put forth more effort. If not, I guess I know my answer.

 

I know you are right. Either way I'll be okay. If he is the genuine person I thought he was, he will put forth the effort. If not, I'll move on. It's just hard not to take it personally, but I guess I will cross that bridge if/when it happens.

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I don't know how long it's been since you have heard from him? Initially I was going to say he had a long drive & was probably tired & hung over so don't expect to hear from him for 8-10 hours, perhaps longer depending on what time that is.

 

 

He may need a little space after such an intense experience.

 

 

Give him 48 hours.

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I don't know how long it's been since you have heard from him? Initially I was going to say he had a long drive & was probably tired & hung over so don't expect to hear from him for 8-10 hours, perhaps longer depending on what time that is.

 

 

He may need a little space after such an intense experience.

 

 

Give him 48 hours.

 

He left around noon maybe, texted me at 2 just saying "home." I said I'm glad he made it home safe and thanked him again for visiting, he simply said yeah it was fun and thanked me for letting him stay. Nothing over eager or very reassuring. Exchanged 1 or 2 more texts and then he stopped responding and I was surprised not to get a goodnight text.

 

I will give him space and won't contact him for at least that long. I know that is common protocol but I guess I have higher expectations for him as prior to this we have been in constant contact.

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I'm telling you -- he was hung over & tired. He went to sleep.

 

You are probably right and I hope so. I struggle not jumping to the worst conclusions sometimes. I'm just going to enjoy my day off and hopefully I'll hear from him.

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I don't know if I'm getting ahead of myself or not. But my inclination says that this guy has unfortunately lost interest in me.

 

Part of me gives him the benefit of the doubt, as he said he has an exam tomorrow and he's been talking to me all week about how busy/stressful his schedule is at the moment. He is an electrical engineering major which is obviously very time consuming, however it hasn't proven to get in the way before.

 

There are a lot of things that make me think he's lost interest and of course this voice in my head is telling me to disconnect emotionally ASAP.

 

-We used to text everyday. He stopped responding to me on Sunday (the day he drove home). Texted me finally on Monday and it felt normal, until he said he was putting his phone down for the night and I saw him on Facebook after he said that...He didn't text me at all yesterday....which I thought of as a red flag as we text every day. Today he texted me, about himself and said "finally checking things off my to do list for the week!" I double texted him, exchanged a few texts and he simply responds "haha" which is not like him.

 

-This week he has shown no terms of endearment. No compliments. He often would call me cutie or babe, and hasn't said either of those to me. Normally it's a "goodnight cutie" or something along those lines. Didn't get any of that.

 

-No phone calls or FaceTime this week either.

 

I just don't know what to think. I know I'm probably overanalyzing things to an extent. But I just don't want to get my hopes up to have them crushed. I also know we have only been talking for a short time frame so it's silly for me to already feel so upset about this. But he was the first guy in a long while that I have truly been excited about and saw potential in.

 

Now I question if I should text him back wishing him luck with his exam and rest of the week, or mirror his behavior by ignoring him and becoming disconnected.

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I went with my gut and texted him saying goodnight and said I hoped the rest of his week was less stressful. He then said "goodnight, I can't wait for the weekend!!!"

 

At first I felt happy because we *had* plans to meet up again this weekend...but now I'm thinking he may just have been referring to the weekend in general.

 

I hate that I'm being so over analytical, I'm not typically like this. But he hasn't given me any reason to doubt his intentions and interest in me until this week so it's hard not to take every little thing into consideration...

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I may just be an idiot, but I didn't see the plans for the coming weekend. I saw that you'd both mentioned perhaps doing something, but not a plan. Do you have something agreed on a particular day and time to meet that I have overlooked? Sorry if my eyes are failing me.

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I may just be an idiot, but I didn't see the plans for the coming weekend. I saw that you'd both mentioned perhaps doing something, but not a plan. Do you have something agreed on a particular day and time to meet that I have overlooked? Sorry if my eyes are failing me.

 

You're okay! I probably forgot to mention it. We made specific plans to meet up this weekend. It will be a group setting, but at the time he seemed excited about it and wanting me to meet his close friends. Now I'm getting a much different vibe.

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I don't know what to think. He didn't text me all day and I was accepting the fact that this probably isn't going to lead to anything.

 

Then he randomly texted me tonight saying "just finished 7 hours of homework." Lately the only texts I've been getting from him are about him and his life. Yet I'm interested in him and trying to be genuine so I make the effort to make a conversation only to be shut down.

 

Why even text me in the first place if he's just going to send short responses and not ask anything about me or my day? Is he just trying to keep me around and "breadcrumbing" as they say these days???

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Not sure why I am even bothering to post this as I am pretty sure I already know that I should not have my hopes up about this relationship anymore.

 

I went to Mardi Gras this weekend, and while we had plans to meet up with each other, I didn't even expect to see him based on the way things went down the week prior to this. I went with my friend and her boyfriend, and several of her (cute, single!) friends. I was having an absolute blast, and then he calls me trying to meet up, is very adamant about finding me.

 

So we do, and hang out for about an hour. We walked around, and while I was pretty intoxicated (I assume he was too...but my judgment was cloudy), I thought we were having a good time. Held hands, kissing, lots of smiling and joking around, etc. At one point though we got separated from my friends, and when we were able to find them again he pretty quickly said he was going to go back to his group of friends. This was after spending about 1.5 hrs together. We hugged goodbye and he told me to text him. I drunk texted him just saying "hi," (lol dumb, I know), briefly after but the service is still bad there, he may have thought it was from earlier as it didn't make much sense, context wise. We snapchatted afterwards quite a bit, but the city where the parade is, is where his family is from originally so he was spending the bulk of his time with them.

 

Yesterday we snapchatted a bit, but I didn't receive a text and haven't gotten a text or snapchat from him today.

 

Just from an outsider's perspective, does it not sound like he seems uninterested, or is at least giving me mixed messages? Normally I do not care to deal with this kind of wishy-washiness, but I genuinely have started to develop feelings for him which is why I continue trying.

 

Now I just don't know if I should cut contact him entirely, or just keep contact if he reaches out first, but continue to see other people.

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From a males perspective it just looks like he doesn't know what he wants/ if he wants to progress with you..

 

I personally have a habit of pushing people away when I get close to them, I don't know why i do it..

 

Both times I've been in love is with people who pretty much didn't give up on pursuing me. I'm not saying he's doing the same thing but just like women some of us over analyse a lot of things.

 

I'm scared of getting attached lol.

 

I hope this story has a happy ending.

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Now he is asking me to come visit him? But our contact has still been extremely limited compared to what it was..

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Hey all. You can go back and read my previous thread if you want, but to sum it up, here's a little bit about what I just experienced with a guy:

 

We met out at a bar, his cousin is my close friend, we hit it off, but there was a bit of distance as we live in different cities. We spent the night together, but only made out a bit, nothing more. We texted for about a week or two, he came to visit me, I didn't want to have sex with him yet, and then communication was limited after. I decided that he was uninterested and started playing the field again. Well, we met up a few weeks later at an event, there were a lot of people around, and after that, again, it seemed as if something had changed in the way he was communicating with me. However, somewhere along the line, his interest was sparked again. Instead our communication changed to mostly snapchatting, with texting a few days a week.

 

There's a lot more to it, but essentially I had been getting nothing but mixed signals from this guy. I genuinely felt as if we had a great connection, and was interested in pursuing a relationship. Yet his wishy-washiness really turned me off. However, after our communication picked up again, and he asked me to come visit him, I agreed.

 

That night things were great - we went on a date, I felt the spark, we talked about going to a hockey game together a few weeks later. After a few drinks, we went home and I slept with him...and did multiple times throughout our weekend visit. One thing that bothered me was (sorry for TMI) he was very selfish in bed, and seemed to be rushing through it. Afterwards he was anxious to put his clothes back on....and then here's the biggest red flag if I've ever seen one, yesterday morning after we slept together, literally, minutes after, he pulls out his phone and starts watching Facebook videos on it.

 

This pissed me off. So I quickly began gathering my stuff up, and told him I was going to leave. Of course then he puts his phone down and asks if he can cook me breakfast first. While he went to cook, I was just fighting back tears. I've never felt so used or devalued in my life. Of course I haven't heard from him since, and I don't have any intentions of reaching out to him.

 

It sucks. Part of me is sad because I had been developing an emotional attachment, and I genuinely thought he was interested in me. I am so disappointed, but more than that I just feel like absolute **** about myself. I've never had a man make me feel like the only thing I am good for is sex. My confidence is completely shot.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice for getting over this?

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