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It's just not working out for me in my country


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Hi,

 

This might get a little heavy and long but...

 

I've been trying to get in the dating game, but it's such an enormous struggle for me here in Belgium. I feel really trapped. I'm 25 and the first 24 years of my life were difficult for me relatively speaking. Because I have Aspergers, I've dug this really big hole for myself of being alone and having really bad social skills. What made everything worse, is how school, therapists or psychiatrists basically did nothing to resolve the problem. Instead they chose to cuddle me all this time.

 

I said to myself a year ago that enough was enough and I embarked on this journey to get myself out of this hole. I never want to go back ever again.

I've been doing great now. I can maintain friends, I am generally well-liked judging from other people's reactions, I work hard, I work out and am well underway for cool abs, I like my life in general. Pretty sure nobody in my family would recognize me when a family meeting is coming.

 

But there is this one thing that is not working out and that's dating. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not meeting enough women or if there really is something strange going on Belgium...

 

I've tried clubbing and bars at night or meeting random people on the street. Doesn't seem effective, Belgian people seem rather defensive and are very distrustful to strangers. Most people seem to think so too. I haven't done any internet dating yet, but I'm unsure how the results would be and I don't have any pictures of myself on the internet. I don't like the idea of being searchable and viewable on the internet. This could really be working against me.

My social circle is mostly scattered, I'm more of an introvert myself. I like it this way to be honest, but it's not helping me meet women. Strangely, most Belgians are also like that.

 

It makes me wonder, how the heck do the men here get girlfriends? Meeting women at night is not effective, neither is during the day apparently, dating sites are often a disappointment if I had to believe what is being said and the social circles in Belgium are small and guarded. How does that work out? I can't imagine it does.

Something I've noticed, is that compared to other countries, relationships here are usually very long and single people stay single for a very long time. I can't say that Belgians are Casonovas, not in the least. So are both the men and the women here really stuck in terms of love? My brother hasn't had a relationship for over 4.5 years now.

 

Another thing is how I'm currently 25 and still never kissed anyone, let alone do something more romantic. What if the other person finds out? That could be a major red flag to her, but how would that be fair? Isn't it enough that I'm working on myself?

 

Good thing though, I've gotten attraction signals from almost all women in my Karate class and I've had quite a few people call me attractive, which never happened in my past. So I must be doing something right!

 

I just wish I could make sense of this situation. I'm just confused whether it's me or the mentality in the country. I should think of what would be the best course of action now. Because if this continues, I will be alone for my entire life... it's easy to lose hope. What to do?

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Forget about generalizing the mentality and habits of your countrymen and women. You understand them better than you're bound to understand people anywhere else. Imagine trying to date in a country in which you speak the language little or not at all. Do you really think you'd have more success in Japan or in Turkey?

 

There's nothing wrong with Belgium, with you, or with your compatibility with other Belgians. Many people start dating with schoolmates. You're probably finished with school, and it's a bad idea to date anyone at work.

 

The best thing for you is probably to hope that one of your friendships with someone you're attracted to is a mutual attraction, and develops into more than friendship.

 

You don't say that you've asked someone out on a date. You can't wait for someone to ask you out. Be specific about day, time, and place/activity when you ask. If you use the word "date", your intentions will be clear. Similarly with kissing, someone has to make the first move. If you've never had a kiss, you have to blame yourself in part. You never gave a kiss.

 

If you still think that your country is a problem, consider that Belgium is a small country. If you're francophone, visit France to meet people - right next door. If Flemish is your dominant language, spend some more time in the Netherlands - also right next door. Quickly, I expect, you'd find that people are people and that it has nothing to do with the mentality of Belgians.

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Good thing though, I've gotten attraction signals from almost all women in my Karate class and I've had quite a few people call me attractive, which never happened in my past. So I must be doing something right!

 

Build on that. Solidify friendships first and use the tools learned in those relationships to gain romantic ones.

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