Meeting People in Public

[justadave]

I'm just getting back into dating after almost 20 years.

 

I can meet up with women who I meet online but I'd also like to be able to the same to women I meet out in the real world.

 

Until now I've only been successful getting close to friends of friends, co-workers and those I had studied with, after having spent considerable time with them. I'm shy and when I meet a woman who is a stranger, I usually don't have much to say.

 

One thing I struggle with is eye contact, trying to walk the line between showing that I'm interested and not looking like a complete creep.

 

There are times that I feel some sort of connection when looking into a woman's eyes. I can't fully explain it; perhaps it is that she is holding my gaze and smiling. I haven't figured out how to act on that yet.

 

But the situation I came here to ask about is if I'm walking the opposite direction of a woman and meet her gaze, we smile, I feel like there's a connection - this has happened to me several times recently as I've been focused on getting back into dating.

 

And then sometimes I've turned around and she's turned around too... And I have no idea how to respond. I wonder if she's just turning around because I looked at her for so long or is she actually interested. Is there any way to know? And if I just have to take a chance, what are some ideas? Do I just stop and wave or wink and see if she does the same? It seems so foreign to me, so I appreciate anyone that humors my ignorance and inexperience here.

 

Another situation that I struggle with... A lot of times I pull my gaze away really fast; it's a habit from when I was younger that I'm trying to break and it seems like anytime I ever do that, the woman who I was looking at looks away and never looks back. Is it a "well, if he's not interested enough to keep looking at me then I'm not going to give him a single bit more of my attention" type of thing?

 

I'm sure I'll be learning a lot more in the coming months but this is actually my first time reaching out for help, so thanks for reading all this and thanks in advance for any advice.

 

-JD

[d0nnivain]

Context is incredibly important. You can't just stop & chat up some random person you meet on the street. Most will conclude you are a serial killer before you finish the 1st sentence. In a bar it's OK to talk. But if you pass the same person day in & day out every day . . . walking to & from work, where you get your morning coffee, on your way to lunch etc., then start with a smile. Gradually after at least a week to 10 days, escalate to good morning or some other innocuous greeting. From there make a comment about the weather every 3rd day or so, then maybe mention a current event (like how the local sports team did last night or who won the Oscars, nothing particularly controversial). Once you build up trust then you can ask for a casual coffee / drink type 1st date.

[preraph]

What you need is a conversation starter, something much more subtle than a parrot on your shoulder. Maybe a tattoo, maybe a clever t-shirt, maybe a fabulous ring, or interesting shoes or boots you don't see every day. Maybe a dog. A team t-shirt. A really edgy haircut.

 

And don't forget that you can find these things on other people and compliment or comment on them. You're standing in line at the grocery store and the woman ahead of you is buying birdseed or pet food, you can say something about it being a great time of year for watching birds or ask what kind of dog she has. You can see something in her basket and say "Oh, is that good? I was thinking about trying it."

 

Just get used to making conversation.

[rushed]

Do I just stop and wave or wink and see if she does the same?

 

Haha, no, please don't do this. For me, what's worked is flattery and an introduction. "I'm sorry, but I just had to stop. I'm JD. What's your name?"

 

From there you can gauge her reaction and if it's favorable, let her know that you have to get to work (or wherever) but that you'd like her number so you can contact her later. (This saves you from having to make up awkward convo on the spot.) If you're getting a no-go vibe from her, just wish her a good day and move on.

[justadave]

Just get used to making conversation.

 

Thanks, that's seems a lot less creepy and easier. There are a few times I've complimented a woman on her clothing, hair or something in the past. I have a hard time not feeling like a creep just doing that - but I suppose if I already feel like there might be something, then perhaps it will feel a bit safer.

[justadave]

Haha, no, please don't do this. For me, what's worked is flattery and an introduction. "I'm sorry, but I just had to stop. I'm JD. What's your name?"

 

From there you can gauge her reaction and if it's favorable, let her know that you have to get to work (or wherever) but that you'd like her number so you can contact her later. (This saves you from having to make up awkward convo on the spot.) If you're getting a no-go vibe from her, just wish her a good day and move on.

 

Thank you, that sounds like good advice too. Flattery - I always feel like flattery comes across as "I'm just saying this because I want to have sex with you," especially if I'm talking about looks... I've thought about telling women that they smell really good in the past too (when they have perfume on of course), but I've never been able to bring myself to it.... Are they wearing perfume for someone else or do they just happen to wear it everyday?

 

I really like the advice about having to get to work. If I don't get a phone number, no harm done. If I do, then, well... that would be the first time that happened because I initiated it.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks, that's seems a lot less creepy and easier. There are a few times I've complimented a woman on her clothing, hair or something in the past. I have a hard time not feeling like a creep just doing that - but I suppose if I already feel like there might be something, then perhaps it will feel a bit safer.

 

 

Then pick something else, not clothes, unless it's a sports team shirt. I got a BF once by saying The Mets suck to a guy wearing Mets clothes. We were no where near NYC so he appreciated the rivalry. If she's carrying a paper comment on the paper itself or the headline. If at a store ask about what's in cart. My husband drinks a kind of exotic beer; you'd be shocked at how many men open a conversation almost in awe because they think I drink it.

[basil67]

Haha, no, please don't do this. For me, what's worked is flattery and an introduction. "I'm sorry, but I just had to stop. I'm JD. What's your name?"

 

From there you can gauge her reaction and if it's favorable, let her know that you have to get to work (or wherever) but that you'd like her number so you can contact her later. (This saves you from having to make up awkward convo on the spot.) If you're getting a no-go vibe from her, just wish her a good day and move on.

 

I've always disliked cold approaches. But this could possibly work on me!

[CptInsano]

Just get used to making conversation.

 

Agreed, at least in theory. The issue becomes that smalltalk is very hard to pull off for many people. It takes a genuine interest in those around you, a positive attitude, and an enjoyment of social interactions. Otherwise it may feel very forced when done with a particular purpose in mind.

 

It can certainly be learned, but it doesn't happen overnight and will take practice.

[preraph]

Thanks, that's seems a lot less creepy and easier. There are a few times I've complimented a woman on her clothing, hair or something in the past. I have a hard time not feeling like a creep just doing that - but I suppose if I already feel like there might be something, then perhaps it will feel a bit safer.

 

You are right! Compliments from male strangers are usually just considered creepy and out of line. It's too personal. The goal is just to get to where you can have non-sexual everyday chats with random people and just get comfortable with that. I'm not talking about then asking for their number right away or anything. But in some situations, you may continue to run into a person and if you've said something before, they may remember and get friendlier.

 

And you don't always just talk to the "target." Let me give you a hypothetical example. Let's say you think the girl at a retail store or dental office is interesting. Instead of making a point of chatting her up, instead, chat up other people in line or in the store so she sees you're a friendly guy that people like to talk to. This will put her at ease and give her a good impression, so now you have something to work with, and maybe she will talk a little when you come in. Don't "target" her.

 

Then start going places where you will see the same people again, such as community or neighborhood meetings or gatherings. Again, chat a bit to different people. Little by little they will recognize you at the next meeting and maybe say something or invite you to their kid's birthday party, where you might meet single ladies.

 

It's really just everyday living and learning to open up and not choke!

[Ieris]

@justadave ~ I prefer meeting people in public rather than online, I just find it much more interesting. I wish more people would do it and not just in a bar setting. There is no right or wrong way about it, some people are approachable and some will see it as harassment either way. However, if they have some interest in you, they wouldn't make it too difficult for you

[justadave]

And you don't always just talk to the "target."

 

Thanks for the response - this one I get.

 

I try to talk to anyone, when given the opportunity... And I've been getting better at it.... Older people, same gender... Not children obviously unless if their parents there and they're smiling, waving and making goofy faces...

 

Of course, I've found myself taking to the only creepy person around too many times too, which I think just works against me unless I can mouth the words "help me."

 

I guess I'm confused on complimenting looks. I know some women put a lot of effort into it, and it's such low-hanging fruit... Obviously none of you can speak for all women, but what about most of them... If they/you see a guy that there is a spark for, at least on the attractiveness level, is a compliment on clothing, hair, perfume sometimes OK, usually OK, usually not OK?

 

I think what I understand is that if not having met before, then it's usually not appropriate but if it's a regular run-in then maybe more acceptable?

[preraph]

Thanks for the response - this one I get.

 

I try to talk to anyone, when given the opportunity... And I've been getting better at it.... Older people, same gender... Not children obviously unless if their parents there and they're smiling, waving and making goofy faces...

 

Of course, I've found myself taking to the only creepy person around too many times too, which I think just works against me unless I can mouth the words "help me."

 

I guess I'm confused on complimenting looks. I know some women put a lot of effort into it, and it's such low-hanging fruit... Obviously none of you can speak for all women, but what about most of them... If they/you see a guy that there is a spark for, at least on the attractiveness level, is a compliment on clothing, hair, perfume sometimes OK, usually OK, usually not OK?

 

I think what I understand is that if not having met before, then it's usually not appropriate but if it's a regular run-in then maybe more acceptable?

 

Compliments are tricky, under any circumstances, but they are kind of transparent coming from a total stranger is my point. But there are less personal compliments you can make, although if you go complimenting a woman's clothes or jewelry, she may well conclude you are gay. So compliments are much better for someone you have at least been on a date with, and then should not be gushing or forced. About the only compliment about my physical body I can take without feeling awkward is "You look nice!" or "I love long hair," but not anything like "You look sexy" or "Those shoes are sexy" or any comment about anything resting anywhere near my boobs!

[justadave]

Compliments are tricky, under any circumstances, but they are kind of transparent coming from a total stranger is my point. But there are less personal compliments you can make, although if you go complimenting a woman's clothes or jewelry, she may well conclude you are gay. So compliments are much better for someone you have at least been on a date with, and then should not be gushing or forced. About the only compliment about my physical body I can take without feeling awkward is "You look nice!" or "I love long hair," but not anything like "You look sexy" or "Those shoes are sexy" or any comment about anything resting anywhere near my boobs!

 

Yes, tricky indeed. I think I'll avoid the appearance compliments for strangers, definitely. If I happen to find a women who likes it then, well, that might be a good indicator that she likely isn't a good choice. And yes, the boobs. I'm not sure if any woman likes to have them looked at but, sigh, sometimes it can feel involuntary.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yes, tricky indeed. I think I'll avoid the appearance compliments for strangers, definitely. If I happen to find a women who likes it then, well, that might be a good indicator that she likely isn't a good choice. And yes, the boobs. I'm not sure if any woman likes to have them looked at but, sigh, sometimes it can feel involuntary.

 

Most women I approach in public are usually already taken...or if waiting in line somewhere where I have a reason to chat them up, they usually are rather short with me...appears as if they'd prefer to be left alone. I mean...they are cordial and all, but usually move along quickly once they are done with their business.