LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 When I was younger, I wanted kids, but I had pretty much vowed to not have them after reaching 40. Just don't like the idea of being an older parent. You know, being in my 50s and picking up my kid(s) from school among other parents in their 20s. I saw a dating profile of a woman I kind of knew from other real life events. She is in her LATE 40s and says that she wants kids in her profile. I was thinking it was a mistake, because she doesn't mention any of that in her profile. We are nicely matched in other ways but that. Last woman I dated, age 40, says she wants to foster a child at the very least, but that's so far in the future as she needs to establish a career first (she's between careers, just moved here) said the last guy she dated of 5 years, was in his mid 40s, broke up with him because he didn't want kids. The fostering thing I never gave much thought about, but was "Meh, I guess that's cool, never gave it much of a thought", but at least I won't be biologically having one. I recall telling a couple of women I was close with that I was even considering getting a the "V-word", and that was rather unsettling to them on the permanence of it. I would prefer someone without kids, since I don't have them... but I AM still open to dating single parents...but it's been challenging considering their availability isn't the same that of a woman without kids. But after the women I've met even into their mid 40s, I even know a woman in her 50s, that want kids in some fashion via adoption, foster, biologically, etc. Also, with the aforementioned online dating situation, how do you broach the subject, "You picked that you wanted kids and you are 45, did you mean to pick that?" I mean, how do you say that without coming off insulting, because you are bringing their mortality into it. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 You don't say it like that. You would just say that you noticed she wanted kids. Period. No reason to mention her age in that statement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I was 41 when my daughter was born, wife was 37. My girlfriend was 38 when her youngest was born. I consider this about as late as practicable, otherwise you'll be retirement age when they're still in college. But there are advantages too, like better financial stability and maturity in parenting, etc. But women into their forties advertising on a dating website that she wants to have kids... I'd say that's somewhat delusional both in terms of the biological odds and finding a man willing to do a whirlwind romance and make a quick decision. Yes, it's possible with fertility clinics and such, and never say never... she can go for whatever floats her boat. But you wouldn't find me pursuing the crap out of a forty-something woman hellbent on a last-ditch effort at genetic proliferation. I'm happy as a clam that I don't have any youngins in grade school, and that my daughter will be finished college before... uh, don't like that thought at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I was 41 when my daughter was born, wife was 37. My girlfriend was 38 when her youngest was born. I consider this about as late as practicable, otherwise you'll be retirement age when they're still in college. But there are advantages too, like better financial stability and maturity in parenting, etc. But women into their forties advertising on a dating website that she wants to have kids... I'd say that's somewhat delusional both in terms of the biological odds and finding a man willing to do a whirlwind romance and make a quick decision. Yes, it's possible with fertility clinics and such, and never say never... she can go for whatever floats her boat. But you wouldn't find me pursuing the crap out of a forty-something woman hellbent on a last-ditch effort at genetic proliferation. I'm happy as a clam that I don't have any youngins in grade school, and that my daughter will be finished college before... uh, don't like that thought at all. Sal, I know what you mean. That being said, I noticed some of these older women will more than likely foster or adopt a child in lieu of biologically risking giving birth. Would that change your mind or is it all the same to you? Also, this could be another post, should this even be FIRST date conversation, much less advertised in a dating profile? I had talked with a fe male friend about this, she's rather old fashioned and she had a lot of friends tell here that there ARE just first date questions you SHOULD be asking...ie "Do you want to have children?" Same with marriage, etc. She thought even bringing it up THAT soon was quite silly, that, should you actually GROW to like the person (before asking such questions)...you may actually like or wind up falling for the person hard enough to consider children with them. I hear how married couples that had children insisting that the young couple that vowed not to how children, saying to them. "Awwww...you'll change your mind later, I guarantee it!" (But that's another converstion) Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 When I was younger, I wanted kids, but I had pretty much vowed to not have them after reaching 40. Just don't like the idea of being an older parent. You know, being in my 50s and picking up my kid(s) from school among other parents in their 20s. I think you are thinking of the 1980's. You go to an elementary school now you may see one parent in their 20's compared to every 5 parents in their 40/50's and 10 in their 30's. The older parent thing is very in these days for whatever reason. And you have to realize as odd as it may seem, these women may have peers who also have young children. So for them it seems quite normal to be having kids at that age. But I don't blame you for your position. I wouldn't want to start having kids at that age either. So I don't see anything wrong with asking them if they are still planning to have kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Many men in the forties want kids, so it is hardly surprising that many women in their forties also want kids. Sometimes life just don't go to plan and if there is any chance at all of being able to reproduce, then some women will want to take that chance. In the UK in 2015 the number of births to women over 40 has now overtaken the number of births to women under 20. (The last time there were more over-40s having kids than younger women was 1947) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Many men in the forties want kids, so it is hardly surprising that many women in their forties also want kids. I wouldn't say that's true if the people in question already had kids. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I wouldn't say that's true if the people in question already had kids. Au contraire, mon frère. We're in our fifties and my wife would still be having kids if it was entirely up to her. And we already have eight. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Sal, I know what you mean. That being said, I noticed some of these older women will more than likely foster or adopt a child in lieu of biologically risking giving birth. Would that change your mind or is it all the same to you? Also, this could be another post, should this even be FIRST date conversation, much less advertised in a dating profile? I had talked with a fe male friend about this, she's rather old fashioned and she had a lot of friends tell here that there ARE just first date questions you SHOULD be asking...ie "Do you want to have children?" Same with marriage, etc. She thought even bringing it up THAT soon was quite silly, that, should you actually GROW to like the person (before asking such questions)...you may actually like or wind up falling for the person hard enough to consider children with them. I hear how married couples that had children insisting that the young couple that vowed not to how children, saying to them. "Awwww...you'll change your mind later, I guarantee it!" (But that's another converstion) I'm done raising kids. If a woman in her forties really, really wanted a kid... more power to her, but it would to have to be with someone other than me. Would I change my mind if she were so stunning and awesome that I couldn't bear the thought of living without her... I doubt it. My girlfriend has a 13 year old, and that's about as close as I want to get to being a parent again. Of course, she's not my kid and her father is still in her life; step-parenting is not the same as becoming a father all over again. My involvement would be mostly limited to modeling a loving, functional marriage, which her biological father failed to do. If a woman has that as primary goal, then putting it on her profile or mentioning it on a first date will save us both a lot of trouble. I don't want to get suckered into a situation where I have to choose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm done raising kids. If a woman in her forties really, really wanted a kid... more power to her, but it would to have to be with someone other than me. Would I change my mind if she were so stunning and awesome that I couldn't bear the thought of living without her... I doubt it. My girlfriend has a 13 year old, and that's about as close as I want to get to being a parent again. Of course, she's not my kid and her father is still in her life; step-parenting is not the same as becoming a father all over again. My involvement would be mostly limited to modeling a loving, functional marriage, which her biological father failed to do. If a woman has that as primary goal, then putting it on her profile or mentioning it on a first date will save us both a lot of trouble. I don't want to get suckered into a situation where I have to choose. I know what you mean, I've seen a lot of couples go into long term relationship for years only to find out their husband never wanted kids. The last woman I dated broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years because he didn't want kids. I was like, "Of course, he was 45, why would he?" I think couples when they first start to date, they kind of blow it off or talk it about it briefly as if it were pie in the sky. You know how people have lofty goals, well having kids is probably one of those goals...that usually go unfulfilled anyway. One of them probably figure that's pie in the sky, and when push came to shove, she'd probably could be easily talked out of it a few years into the relationship or she'll probably figure, "Meh, not interested in kids now." Some will think, "They'll probably change their mind about having one years from now" or it becomes a, "We'll cross that road when we get to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I think you are thinking of the 1980's. You go to an elementary school now you may see one parent in their 20's compared to every 5 parents in their 40/50's and 10 in their 30's. The older parent thing is very in these days for whatever reason. And you have to realize as odd as it may seem, these women may have peers who also have young children. So for them it seems quite normal to be having kids at that age. But I don't blame you for your position. I wouldn't want to start having kids at that age either. So I don't see anything wrong with asking them if they are still planning to have kids. It think what happens is that a woman jumps on the career building bandwagon and from her 20s and 30s is focused on career, dates around, but never settled for a husband. When she gets into her 40s, she decides the corporate ladder climb isn't important to her and decides to leave her job for something less demanding...so that she may have time for a romantic partner, spouse and future father in her life. I knew of a single woman in her 50s that had a heck of a time finding a man that did not have young children living at home, while her kids were already grown, out of the house, married and having their own lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 This post makes me glad, that at the age of 36 I had my last child. No more for me! I tell men upfront that I do not want and will not have more kids. My youngest is 4, and I think that scares a lot of men my age or older! It's at least 14 more years of kids in my home. I think its ok to ask someone you are interested in if they want to have children still. If they say yes, then you can tell them you don't plan on or want to have any. That way you both know where the other stands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I was wondering, if you loved someone enough, would it change your mind about having no kids, to having kids? Someone I know had a theroy on that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) And we already have eight. Gorilla Theater - EIGHT!? I don't know how people do it. I like to brag that I have energy and stuff... I am pretty sure chasing 8 kids would kill me As for age - most of my close friends just started having kids. Mom's that are 36 - 38 with their first borns. I have siblings 10 years old than I am, and I thought they had waited - as they were 30 - 32 when they started families, but my social group is starting even later for the most part. That said - late 40's? Honestly, the increased risk of chromosomal disorder would worry me, beyond 45, you are looking at 1 in 20 births. Everyone should consider that they may have a special needs child, but add aged parents to the mix.... I think forstering is a wonderful idea and beautiful thing. I have always said if I changed my mind about raising children, and made the needed time in my life - this is what I would persue. Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote formatting ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 The only way having kids would happen, is adoption. I've been tied up. And no, I wouldn't even consider it. By the time my youngest is out of high school, I'll be 54. I would love to be able to retire or take some time off and travel with my SO (considering I have one), shortly after. Having another child is not something I want. Even if I met someone, who wanted a child from me, I would make it clear at this point I don't want that, and they will have to look elsewhere if they do. I would never have a child with someone just to keep the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I had often wondered, with some of these people over 40 that had been married before , had never had kids with their previous husband/boyfriends. Esp. when they were long term relationships. The only reason I could come up with, that years into the relationship, the man said, "Sorry, don't want them." and thus she ended the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I think a lot of men... don't outright lie about wanting kids. They say and think they will want kids later, assuming that some part of them is going to change and make them actually want kids as they get older... note that this is different than wanting kids already but not wanting to have them yet because of age, money, other circumstances. But this does happen a lot in relationships. I know couples where after a couple of years of marriage the man said they still didn't want kids and got an ultimatum and those couples have gone different ways, some breaking up, some having kids anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Well, whether you like it or not, women are having kids in their 40s. And there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it's smart -- as long as you have put in effort to stay fit and energetic. No one I was friends with had kids in their 20s. To me, that's too young and a good waste of youth and fun times, plus most are not mature enough upstairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 . No one I was friends with had kids in their 20s.. Its a social class thing. Women of a higher social class, who are better educated, with better careers have babies in their 30s and 40s Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Well, whether you like it or not, women are having kids in their 40s. And there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it's smart -- as long as you have put in effort to stay fit and energetic. No one I was friends with had kids in their 20s. To me, that's too young and a good waste of youth and fun times, plus most are not mature enough upstairs. Hm, must be geography, as I live in a smaller community where marrying your high school sweet heart was common by legal drinking age and by then they've had 2 to 3 kids before the age of 30. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Hm, must be geography, as I live in a smaller community where marrying your high school sweet heart was common by legal drinking age and by then they've had 2 to 3 kids before the age of 30. You can't compare small towns to big cities. The few small town people I know tended to get married and have kids much earlier. I don't think a single couple from my graduating class got married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 Anyways, believe you me, I think this has been a challenge for me since I'm approaching my mid 40s and STILL meeting women, in their mid-40s that want children. It's like I'm better off dating single mothers that are that age...and some are even grand mothers. lol Yes, I even knew a 39 year old grandma and she was cute. Link to post Share on other sites
bebe23 Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 If you are complaining about women who either A. don't have kids and still want them after 40 or B. already have kids that you would have to be okay with, then your pool of women is down to about 5 percent. Unless they're much younger than you. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 People can do whatever they want...but, I think some are dreaming if they think its great to have kids after 40... My brother and his wife had an "oops" kid when she was in her early 40's...They have 2 older children...He's a handful and she just doesn't have the stamina, and neither does he...Heck, we had my daughter when I was in my late 30's and I am more fit than most guys my age, but I am feeling it as well..Most of my daughters friends have dads and moms that are older(some younger than me) and most can't even play in the yard with their kids or do active stuff...At least I can still do those things... ...And to top it off, when that kid needs the most amount of $$$$ they will be pushing 60(or older)...and who knows??,. they might be out of a job/career and can't get hired because no one wants an older person that has outdated skills and less stamina, and is going to be out sick way more than a younger person...Its a part of life..So what do they think they are going to do and where do they think they are going to get the money?? I think the case with some of these women is that they just want that door left open because menopause is looming and they don't want to feel like old ladies that missed the boat...If they think its a walk in the park, they are kidding themselves,, or just delusional...The only way I see it working is if they are loaded and can get a lot of help...Even then, do you really want a kid that you can't raise properly yourself without outside help? I know I wouldn't... I know Ill get the "yeah, but my aunt Tilly had a kid when she was 54 and everything was great"...I don't see it....IMO, after, say 35-38, the ship pretty much sailed.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Au contraire, mon frère. We're in our fifties and my wife would still be having kids if it was entirely up to her. And we already have eight.For me, 8 kids would require roughly 3 wives, maybe 4. OP, I don't know if unmarried women who still want kids at any age is a "mistake" as you put it, but it does deserve a little inquiry. You: So, I see you put down that you want kids? Her: Yeah, all my life... blah, blah, blah. You: What are you thinking? Adoption? Surrogate? The traditional method? Edited January 30, 2017 by mightycpa Link to post Share on other sites
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