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First looks impression: Walk out on the date?


LookAtThisPOst

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LookAtThisPOst

I was talking to a female friend of mine that said when she went to meet someone she met online at a local cafe, she was probably only a few minutes late. When she walked in she couldn't find him there.

 

Turns out he jumped the gun and didn't even give her a few minutes buffer to arrive and got out of there.

 

He got a text from him while he was in the parking lot saying, "Well, I guess you didn't like what you saw, so...I guess I should leave."

 

(or something that, paraphrasing)

 

She texted back, "No, I just arrived a few minutes late, I'm here now."

 

He got out of his car and walked back in to meet her.

 

They got into discussion that even if he DID turn out not like his pictures, she would still remain with him, getting to know him as she's the kind of personality that's okay with being friends with a man, even if there was no physical attraction.

 

Turned out he actually DID look like his pictures regardless, but his insecurities got the best of him, so he pre-emptively left just assuming she got grossed out or something and saw him through the window or something.

 

That being said, I would probably stick around the entire date regardless, says a lot about their character, wouldn't you say that?

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Look, people are human beings. Give them a few minutes grace when it comes to being late, and if I'm not attracted to someone in person, I stick around for the drink and then I "got an early day tomorrow and I got to get going".

 

So to answer your question, yes stick around for the first date (but no second). And related to that is I usually schedule the first date to be BRIEF so if we don't like each other it will be over soon enough anyway. However, EVERY girl I've met up with represented herself more or less fairly. Some looked even better in person.

 

For cryin' out loud your friend needs to chill. His behaviour--rushing out just because she was a few minutes late assuming the worst, and then discussing whether she would have stuck around or not--hardly serves him well.

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Gees Louise - 5 mins late and he is sending texts about how he must have been rejected on his looks?

 

Dude needs to really work on his insecurities, majorly unattractive.

 

As for walking out on a date, I would NEVER based on looks (now if he were rude, arrogant etc, that would be a different story).

 

I remember going on a date, and immediately knowing "nope" physically no way no hell this is going anywhere.

 

But I STILL stayed, had dinner, offered to pay my part, heck even went on a walk along the waterfront. I tried to not "lead him on" (avoiding a kiss attempt hopefully made it clear) - but most people are worthy of your consideration and a bit of time at least. Even if we weren't going to date again, why can't we make the most of it.

 

I let him know he seemed like a nice guy, and wished him well. The rejection part is never fun, but standing someone up is cowardly.

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Yeah, the vast majority of my first meets from OLD had no chemistry. Although that being said, most did not misrepresent themselves on how they looked. I stayed for all of them, and enjoyed pretty much all of them.

 

People are cool and worth spending time with, whether you want to have sex with them or not!

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Well, I wouldn't even agree to a date with a guy if I wasn't attracted to his pictures, but if he turned out to look totally different than his pictures, I'd definitely stick around for the rest of the date to be polite. Maybe we'd even have some good conversation.

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LookAtThisPOst
Yeah, the vast majority of my first meets from OLD had no chemistry. Although that being said, most did not misrepresent themselves on how they looked. I stayed for all of them, and enjoyed pretty much all of them.

 

People are cool and worth spending time with, whether you want to have sex with them or not!

 

Interesting, I recall on other message boards that they would point out immediately, "You don't look like your pictures, so I'm going to leave."

 

Some have been known to take a look, go "ew" and turn tail and go back home.

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offwithhishead

OK here's what I don't get from all the replies on here. I actually DO believe the kind of behavior the guy exhibited is justified.

 

We're not born with insecurities. They accumulate from our past experiences. I'm going to make the safe assumption that the guy in this case has had girls reject him on sight due to his looks. It's obviously hurt him and affected his self-esteem a great deal and who can blame him?

 

I actually commend him for even trying to date. He's probably fighting an internal battle the entire time and it's very difficult for him but he's still trying at least.

 

Why are we so quick to judge him so harshly? I can relate to him because I've been in his shoes. It's not fun and it's very very hard for these experiences to NOT affect your perceptions of yourself. When women don't even take a chance to get to know you and just reject you based solely on your looks, how can that NOT be wounding?

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Perhaps justified - but is it attractive? No. Will it hamper his dating prospects, yes. Should a stranger on a first date be the one to help him through his insecurities? I don't think that is particularly fair to ask.

 

Is it something HE can work on? Most certainly.

 

Look, we are all the product of nature and nurture. Of our innate qualities and how we have been shaped by our experiences. And not everyone one deals with, or handles things the same way.

 

Some have lived through straight horrors, and are extremely resilient and come through the other side fairly unscathed. Others are more sensitive and are shaped more greatly by bad experience.

 

Sure, he may have been rejected before, and has a lot of baggage surrounding it. I still think it's something he needs to address, as other people can't fix that for him.

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The stupid thing on his part is that he was able to text her and instead of just saying "Are you almost here," he got all whiny and pathetic acting, which is a huge turnoff.

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I do want to say that I think your male friend OP was being whiney as all-get-out. If anyone had traumatic experiences with rejection I am sorry to hear. This however was a woman who is basically a stranger agreeing to meet up with OP's friend to gauge interest, NOT to be his therapist or dating coach. He could have done as @preraph suggested and texted to let her know he was waiting for her at a table wearing the red shirt, and if she was almost there.

 

Meanwhile, You want to know a sure-fire way to prevent someone walking away from your first meet for not looking like your pictures? Yes indeed, represent yourself online honestly.

 

Meanwhile answering your general question: The real catfishes, where someone misrepresents themselves by a huge amount, are quite rare. I've never had it happen to me. You can protect against that further by having a phone call before your date and meeting in a public place. Anyway, anything short of a catfish, just stay and have your drink or cup of coffee w him or her and then move on. No need to be unnecessarily mean.

Edited by ReformedPUA
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I don't know why but I waited 2 hours for someone to show up years ago and she actually arrived. lol Something just kept telling me, "she is coming don't leave"

 

 

But 5 mins sounds crazy to just pick up and leave if you don't see the person. Plus I thought you stay in contact through text while the person is on the way.

 

I would give someone about 35 mins

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IMO leaving because you don't like the way someone looks, or because you think they "deceived" you by looking better in pictures in real life is the epitome of bad manners and poor character.

 

If a person can't handle being pleasant with a person they've agreed to meet, regardless of what they look like, really needs to give up on online dating. Maybe, on all dating.

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How does this happen? First impression and just walk off. Prior to meeting ... Do people not trade enough pics? Not tell each other the truth?

 

I've met people from meetups, who sometime don't quite look like their photos. But after meeting and socializing with them in person, they're great company.

 

Same goes with meeting someone new in person. I saw a lady with short short hair at an activity. Kind of manly on first impression. Afterwards, the group went socializing, and turns out she's quite girlie/cute.

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This is why first meetings from OLD should not be full dates in my book. You need something short so you can get out of dodge if you've drawn the low card. Ideally your mini-date is structured so you can turn it into a full date if you really hit it off.

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I was talking to a female friend of mine that said when she went to meet someone she met online at a local cafe, she was probably only a few minutes late. When she walked in she couldn't find him there.

 

Turns out he jumped the gun and didn't even give her a few minutes buffer to arrive and got out of there.

 

He got a text from him while he was in the parking lot saying, "Well, I guess you didn't like what you saw, so...I guess I should leave."

 

(or something that, paraphrasing)

 

She texted back, "No, I just arrived a few minutes late, I'm here now."

 

He got out of his car and walked back in to meet her.

 

They got into discussion that even if he DID turn out not like his pictures, she would still remain with him, getting to know him as she's the kind of personality that's okay with being friends with a man, even if there was no physical attraction.

 

Turned out he actually DID look like his pictures regardless, but his insecurities got the best of him, so he pre-emptively left just assuming she got grossed out or something and saw him through the window or something.

 

That being said, I would probably stick around the entire date regardless, says a lot about their character, wouldn't you say that?

 

What happened to "hey, I'm sorry. I'm running a few minutes late. I am on my way and looking forward to meeting you".

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What happened to "hey, I'm sorry. I'm running a few minutes late. I am on my way and looking forward to meeting you".

 

Common courtesy isn't so common anymore. :(

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LookAtThisPOst
What happened to "hey, I'm sorry. I'm running a few minutes late. I am on my way and looking forward to meeting you".

 

She can't do that while she's driving.

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Regardless, that level of insecurity is a big red flag. He needs to stop it if he wants a second date with anyone.

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