Finding genuine friendship...

[Enigmatic Zero]

It truly stings when I realize that even during my childhood, I've struggled with finding friends that accepted me. Instead, most of my childhood resulted in being bullied and having crushed dreams. I'm a 24 year-old man now, still on a long and arduous search for someone to confide in; to have some kind of mutual bond and know how that really feels to have.

 

I've had many broken relationships (friendly and romantic combined), all to the point where the whole idea of "meeting new people" absolutely terrifies me now. Add that to the fact that I'm quite introverted and am not able to relate with nearly anyone - in my age group or not. I just simply don't like most things that my peers are interested in... and yet, I'm sort of boxed in and kind of "forced" to take interest in things that either bore or sadden me. That might be the root of the problem, and since I've hardly ever met anyone willing to sit down with me and try to understand my life, it just makes me shy away from looking for friendship, love or whatever. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm destined to be alone and for the sake of my sanity, I shouldn't think of wanting to enter someone else's life that won't be interested in mine. I've tried taking comfort in the idea so it can make things less painful and go back to enjoying every second of my solitude like I used to...

 

But that never stops the feelings from pouring in regardless, which is why I'm writing this. Nowadays, I feel like this body's just in auto-pilot when I go out in public just to not have any expectations from anyone, especially at work. I'm a hospital employee (floor care guy), so there's so many different faces there. I've only recently tried to burst my own protective bubble and finally make a courageous act to try and interact with people more. That's been going... nice - as in nicely horrid. The guys and gals in my own department aren't exactly the most... pleasant people to be around (and they give me literal, unhealthy headaches sometimes with their behavior...). Others from different departments are a completely different story.

 

But my main problem is that I'm just AWFUL at small talk. I mean, I think awful might be an understatement. Most conversations I'm engaged in, the person's doing 99% of the talking while I'm just a near-speechless person trying to respond to their body language with my own while giving worthless one-liner responses that don't progress the conversation any further. Heck, my manager (who's crazy-impressed about my work performance) tries to engage small talk, but I feel bad when I can't give the guy an interesting conversation...

 

Though, perhaps a lot of that stems from the fact that I'm actually a natural silent person - I only speak when I need to speak, and yet that's so very unappealing to a mostly-extroverted society. I love my reserved nature, but most don't...

 

I'd say the closest I've gotten lately was with this transporter girl I see from time to time when I'm moving from area to area with my floor cleaning duties. We say hi to each other every time we cross paths and a few actual stops here and there with very brief talks about the work day for both of us (aside from me making a funny comment about her sweater one time that I had no idea why I said it, but she laughed anyway, lol).

 

Sad thing is, I work until super late at night (12:30 AM, RIP) while I think she leaves around 6ish, so there's little time to actually be social with her without slowing either of us down from our work, which is a bummer considering she's pretty cool from first impressions. But still, I have no real idea how to engage in a meaningful conversation that'll be the initial cause of the spiral into some sort of friendship without coming off as needy for friendship or anything. I guess I'm really just afraid of any kind of relationship with the girl will end up like the rest, and once more causing me to challenge my self-worth... So, I think I need help here, though I just have no idea where to start asking for it.

 

Sorry for the long story/rant.

Edited January 12, 2017 by Enigmatic Zero

[Nowty V]

Add that to the fact that I'm quite introverted

 

If this is so, it is a Physiological condition NOT a Psychological one.

 

You could try this book, it explains a lot about how your brain physiology dictates your behaviours and reactions, plus loads of hints and tips on how to live with it.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

You may come to see your nature as a privilege with many positives.

 

Being crap at small talk is normal for your trait.

[fireflywy]

Hmm... I recommend you YouTube search some Alan Watts. One of your biggest things, heck people in general, is that we let the world define what we should be and then compare ourselves to that consensus. I believe you're doing this too much and maybe to others as well. Just observe and engage without judgment both of them and yourself and be in the moment instead of worrying about they have acted toward you or if they will engage you in the future. See if that helps.

 

As far as small talk, it doesn't take much. Simply and subtly mirroring someone's body language, asking them emotionally based questions on their interest "Tell me why you like that?" or "What's your passion or interest in that?" Will have people talking to you and spewing stuff without you having to give big long answers or responses and will leave them thinking "Wow. What a good conversation." You will build a rapport with them. Just try and be genuine and listen.

 

See what happens.

Edited January 12, 2017 by fireflywy

[Enigmatic Zero]

If this is so, it is a Physiological condition NOT a Psychological one.

 

You could try this book, it explains a lot about how your brain physiology dictates your behaviours and reactions, plus loads of hints and tips on how to live with it.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

You may come to see your nature as a privilege with many positives.

 

Being crap at small talk is normal for your trait.

 

You've piqued my interest there for sure. Plus, I've been looking for something new to read for a while now. I'll give it a shot. Thanks!

 

Hmm... I recommend you YouTube search some Alan Watts. One of your biggest things, heck people in general, is that we let the world define what we should be and then compare ourselves to that consensus. I believe you're doing this too much and maybe to others as well. Just observe and engage without judgment both of them and yourself and be in the moment instead of worrying about they have acted toward you or if they will engage you in the future. See if that helps.

 

As far as small talk, it doesn't take much. Simply and subtly mirroring someone's body language, asking them emotionally based questions on their interest "Tell me why you like that?" or "What's your passion or interest in that?" Will have people talking to you and spewing stuff without you having to give big long answers or responses and will leave them thinking "Wow. What a good conversation." You will build a rapport with them. Just try and be genuine and listen.

 

See what happens.

 

I see. That's a fair way of going about it, I suppose. I do worry too much in general, so I'll try to work on shifting my focus away from getting carried away with thinking too far ahead.

 

I've actually been advised to do that before with small talk, but I don't know. It just doesn't seem as simple as that to me, to be honest. I've mirrored body languague before and normally, I'm always actively listening to them (my mind's processing what it hears constantly, even of things I don't want to hear... lol), but I guess the people I end up talking with just seek more than a simple question, since everyone has a different take on what's a good or bad conversation. A few will keep it going for a little while after asking a more emotion-based question, while others won't. Though I guess that's the point of interacting with multiple people - to see who will click with you. Maybe I just need to talk to more people to see any real results from this method.

[preraph]

You just do have to keep in mind that you have to be friendly to make friends. You have to be interesting to seem interesting, which means you have to do interesting things. To me, the way you wrote about yourself sounded like depression, not being interested in things, not wanting to do things. But maybe I just didn't have enough details. Have you been evaluated?

[fireflywy]

You've piqued my interest there for sure. Plus, I've been looking for something new to read for a while now. I'll give it a shot. Thanks!

 

 

 

I see. That's a fair way of going about it, I suppose. I do worry too much in general, so I'll try to work on shifting my focus away from getting carried away with thinking too far ahead.

 

I've actually been advised to do that before with small talk, but I don't know. It just doesn't seem as simple as that to me, to be honest. I've mirrored body languague before and normally, I'm always actively listening to them (my mind's processing what it hears constantly, even of things I don't want to hear... lol), but I guess the people I end up talking with just seek more than a simple question, since everyone has a different take on what's a good or bad conversation. A few will keep it going for a little while after asking a more emotion-based question, while others won't. Though I guess that's the point of interacting with multiple people - to see who will click with you. Maybe I just need to talk to more people to see any real results from this method.

 

The title of this video is misleading (sounds like a Pick up Artist presentation but it's not). The principles can be applied to human interaction. Goto 20 minutes and watch for 10 minutes or so and see how easy it is for him to engage someone with very little work done on his part. It's very interesting.

 

 

 

Regardless, don't give up its a skill that can be developed with conscious work.

[Enigmatic Zero]

You just do have to keep in mind that you have to be friendly to make friends. You have to be interesting to seem interesting, which means you have to do interesting things. To me, the way you wrote about yourself sounded like depression, not being interested in things, not wanting to do things. But maybe I just didn't have enough details. Have you been evaluated?

 

Well, now that I re-read what I wrote above, I really didn't provide any real information about me, did I? That's understandable. Truthfully, I kind of get scared to go into any depth about who I am or what I like to do, but I do take a lot of joy into hobbies I love. I won't really list any since it'd be irrelevant here, but I do like to believe I'm at least a friendly sport and do have interesting qualities in me. I guess I need to work more on learning how to express myself better.

 

As for the depression bit... that's hard to say. I mean, outside of loneliness, I do have other sets of problems that haunt my mind constantly. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I've been shying away from the idea of me suffering from actual, life-threatening depression... Mostly to avoid getting checked up in the first place. But I can't deny that I could be depressed, either. Each new day does seem to feel tougher on the emotional side of things, even though I try to fight through the pain and not give myself the time to wallow in it too long, for the sake of my health. So no, I've never seen a professional or talked much to anyone about my problems.

 

The title of this video is misleading (sounds like a Pick up Artist presentation but it's not). The principles can be applied to human interaction. Goto 20 minutes and watch for 10 minutes or so and see how easy it is for him to engage someone with very little work done on his part. It's very interesting.

 

 

 

Regardless, don't give up its a skill that can be developed with conscious work.

 

I ended up watching over 20 minutes instead by accident, lol. This is very insightful and... surprisingly accurate. I need to sit down and watch more of this, since I'm off work for the next two days, but that really doesn't seem too hard, now that I know exactly where you're coming from. This also kind of gave me the perspective of others as well. I think my own body language is poor. I don't look like a grump or anything, but I can tell now that the the way I avoid eye contact a lot and seem off in my own world could really scare people away...

 

Thank you for the video. This gives me a lot to work with towards improving my openness to others.

[fireflywy]

NP and you're welcome.

 

Just remember my original point though about not falling for the definition trap which forces us to compare and contrast ourselves with others too much. That way, as you develop yourself and make errors (there will always be errors as you come into yourself and even after) that you take them in stride, don't be too harsh on yourself, and keep going.

 

Good luck guy.

[Enigmatic Zero]

Thanks man. I'm actually feeling a little more confident about this already, so I'll definitely try my best to be more genuine and improve my skills.

[preraph]

I think it might really benefit you to try some common antidepressants. Or if there's anxiety involved, antianxiety. Nothing wrong with it. I mean, you have activities, which is great, but something is keeping you kind of holding back with people, and that could be anxiety or some depression. I'm glad it's not critical, but really, no reason to live with it these days!