Hard to expand horizons with friends...

[thecrucible]

Hi All,

 

Firstly, not to say I don't appreciate my friends. I would never take them for granted. I've just noticed that it's very difficult to do certain things with them alone. I'm single and they're not and they often bring their partners with them to meet ups (without asking me in advance). I don't make an issue out of this as it will come across like I don't like their partners, which isn't true. I would just like to meet them alone.

 

Had a wee fallout with a friend recently as I was trying to get people together for my birthday. Nothing that has to be a big deal, just a meal or coffee out. But she said she was broke so couldn't meet me. I eventually persuaded her to come out but then she surprised me by inviting along another girl she has just made friends with. I was a bit miffed because I expected it to just be the two of us. Also after saying she was too broke to go out for a meal or coffee with me, she mentioned organising a party for this girl she'd invited along prompting me to think "I thought you were too broke" but I didn't say anything at the time. Anyway I decided not to say anything to her because I thought it would cause too much trouble for little gain.

 

When people don't want to meet me on my own, it makes me feel like I'm boring. I tried to organise a group gathering to go to a gig. It was via Facebook. Everyone replied and said they were interested but then didn't get back to me about buying tickets. Therefore it never happened. I mentioned it my friend yesterday and she said "It's a shame I missed that gig 2 weeks ago" and I replied and said "no it's tonight. No one got back to me so I couldn't book tickets". It's frustrating because we go out at least once a month and it's always involving drinking and I just don't want every activity to revolve around getting drunk and going clubbing.

 

It could be because they have partners and I don't. I don't want their partners not to be included in anything we do. And maybe I am looking at this differently because I am single and I'm more keen to get out there and meet new people than they are. I actually never meet any men except in pubs because I don't get to go anywhere else unless I go on my own. I'll date a guy when I meet a good one and there is mutual interest but I don't want to get a bf just to become more embedded in my social circle.

 

Anyway, just wondering what tips you guys can give me and what I can do about this without my friendships breaking apart?

[Mysterio]

I think you need to make more friends and diversify your interests. So that you are not beholden to any social factor.

[thecrucible]

I think you need to make more friends and diversify your interests. So that you are not beholden to any social factor.

 

Thanks for your advice. I will try and do that. Do you mean take up new hobbies or different places to socialise? I have several key interests but I could probably develop some that are more social. Unfortunately I live in quite a small town so finding new interests can be challenging but I'll try.

 

When I posted this thread, I was feeling a bit down about an interaction with a friend. I'd gone on a day/night out with her but I didn't realise she'd invited someone else along (I do like the person so it's not anything terrible). I think I just felt a little bit like my company wasn't entertaining enough. I've got perspective now so I think I initially got emotionally ahead of myself.

[Mysterio]

I mean going to other social clubs and letting the friendships develop. That way you don't feel so locked in.

 

Also enjoy your alone time as well. I think a 50/50 social life where you mix solo adventures, and friendships adventures are mixed.

[thecrucible]

I mean going to other social clubs and letting the friendships develop. That way you don't feel so locked in.

 

Also enjoy your alone time as well. I think a 50/50 social life where you mix solo adventures, and friendships adventures are mixed.

 

Yeah I think I just get very emotionally involved in my friendships but it's hard to be pushy on that side of things without it ruining your friendship. I know it happens in waves. I have periods when I see certain friends a lot and others where I don't see them hardly at all.

 

What gets me frustrated is that I want to try different things but they aren't always as adventurous. One of my friends say it's lack of money but sometimes I call her bluff and offer to pay and she insists on the idea of something she wants to do which is stay indoors and watch films. I don't mean anything really niche either - I just mean going out to a new bar or whatever.

 

I'm quite happy to do a lot of things by myself but certain activities are better to try with a friend than just turn up by yourself. I don't want to force anything on anyone but it would be nice to have more give and take sometimes.

[preraph]

If they all have partners, they're going to be less available, as a rule. Once they have kids, good luck is all I can tell you. Many of them probably catch flack for even wanting to maintain their friendships, which isn't healthy, of course, but I've certainly seen my share of bfs or spouses trying to make my friends feel bad for doing anything with old friends. Also, realize they're not going out looking for a new man now, so for some of them there may be little incentive to go out with the girls unless they just are really tight with their girlfriends.

 

People can have cash flow problem one week that will be resolved by next week, too. So you can't assume about that. I'd be glad she is still interested enough in having friends that she made a new one. You need to make some new single friends asap.

[Satu]

Expand your social circle and make some new friends.

 

You can keep the old ones, but some new people who are more into what you're into, will be refreshing.

 

I have two groups of friends:

 

1. People who like to meet up for coffee and cake, dinner parties, etc.

 

2. People who are into flying as much as I am.

 

I wouldn't be happy without either.

 

 

Take care.

[thecrucible]

If they all have partners, they're going to be less available, as a rule. Once they have kids, good luck is all I can tell you. Many of them probably catch flack for even wanting to maintain their friendships, which isn't healthy, of course, but I've certainly seen my share of bfs or spouses trying to make my friends feel bad for doing anything with old friends. Also, realize they're not going out looking for a new man now, so for some of them there may be little incentive to go out with the girls unless they just are really tight with their girlfriends.

 

People can have cash flow problem one week that will be resolved by next week, too. So you can't assume about that. I'd be glad she is still interested enough in having friends that she made a new one. You need to make some new single friends asap.

 

I have been a bit moody recently but not to a degree anyone would notice and I've not let it show to those friends. I think that's been the best thing. I'm trying to be reasonable and catch myself out if I am being too demanding. I can be a bit stubborn and I don't want to get carried away with my emotions. I think the slight disagreement with one of my female friends has repaired itself because I've spent some time with her recently just enjoying each others' company.

 

I had another think and I thought well if I'm comfortable with this now, I'll maybe see it from their point of view when I have a partner. I don't get too possessive and I'm happy to third wheel. The times I've been a bit upset by is when I think I've planned a girly night and they've seemed clear on that and then it changes suddenly. It can be difficult even going out for a quick cup of tea in a cafe or whatever. They like partners to be there even for that. I'll have to accept this to some extent.

 

Well my friends' partners are pretty chill and all my close female friends have friends they go out and spend time with. Their partners often go too and they don't mind this. One of my friends doesn't work due to a long term condition and her boyfriend doesn't have a job or want one. I know she is worried about money due to this. I'll hit up my friends tomorrow, just say my mood has been down for a bit but starting to feel better and just try to get things back to square one again.

[thecrucible]

Expand your social circle and make some new friends.

 

You can keep the old ones, but some new people who are more into what you're into, will be refreshing.

 

I have two groups of friends:

 

1. People who like to meet up for coffee and cake, dinner parties, etc.

 

2. People who are into flying as much as I am.

 

I wouldn't be happy without either.

 

 

Take care.

 

I like your thinking! I'll need to add some balance to my life. And I'll need to think of ways to meet new single friends. This is something I find quite difficult as a lot of women in my town my age are now married or in long term relationships. It's not something I'd ask immediately if I was just getting to know someone so it's hard to make a beeline for the single girls out there. I do have a wide enough circle of acquaintances that I can think of a few single girls I know. But I haven't tried to develop these connections into friendships yet. I'm quite a bad initiator in friendships generally so this is something I might work on.

 

I've been the single one of my friends for far too long. I used to be in steady relationships, pretty much one after the other without a break in between. Then I made a conscious decision to be single and it's kind of dragged out a bit longer than I thought (5 years - WHAT?).

[stillafool]

I agree you need to find some single friends to hang out with. Coupled people want to spend time together and I've even noticed men coming to bridal and baby showers with their gfs/wives. These are not the women to go out with to meet new men. You need single women for that. I'm sure that would solve your problem. It may be okay now but being a 3rd wheel gets boring and once they have kids you may never see these friends.