Jump to content

Sucks being the average guy, right?


Recommended Posts

So I've never been good at dating. I used to have a lot of successes with one night stands when I was 16-19 and partied quite a bit harder, but never really "dated". Then I had a 4 year committed relationship and broke up a year ago.

 

To cut to the chase, I've been getting rejected for about 7 months. I did a month long experiment on various dating apps and found that with a ****ton of effort I could net a date every once in a while with a chick way below my standards. However the vast amount of silence and conversations that lead to silence was soul crushing, and the dates I got were unsatisfying at best.

 

So I realized that dating sites were a trap for men and started hitting on more women in real life. I then got rejected a bunch more. So I went on FB and said "if you're a friend of mine I'm attracted to and we never speak anyhow I'm going to give it a shot, worst case we never speak again." Which ended up going the "never speak with any of those girls again" path, even after a date.

 

And so I slowly started hitting on random women again this month. I've gotten two numbers and an email, and all have led to silence.

 

Just letting all you guys out there in a similar position know that you're not alone on your boat. Many are broken in the same way. Whether you're afraid to walk up or not, whether you have a good story or not, whether you're worth it or not. The most painful part? If you were the sort of person who attracted women, you would have a lot of women by now. Taking risks while being honest about who you are and your intentions won't necessarily help, because being just yourself never did in the first place.

Edited by j_flow
Link to post
Share on other sites
So I've never been good at dating. I used to have a lot of successes with one night stands when I was 16-19 and partied quite a bit harder, but never really "dated". Then I had a 4 year committed relationship and broke up a year ago.

 

You must not be an average-looking guy, right? All of these one-night conquests to boast about...the girls must have seen something in you. You also had a 4-yr, committed relationship, so not as pitiful as you make it sound...

 

SO, as GemmaUK says, you are the common denominator. It sounds like you are the problem. No? What has been going on since your break-up? Did you break it off?

Link to post
Share on other sites
So I've never been good at dating. I used to have a lot of successes with one night stands when I was 16-19 and partied quite a bit harder, but never really "dated". Then I had a 4 year committed relationship and broke up a year ago.

 

To cut to the chase, I've been getting rejected for about 7 months. I did a month long experiment on various dating apps and found that with a ****ton of effort I could net a date every once in a while with a chick way below my standards. However the vast amount of silence and conversations that lead to silence was soul crushing, and the dates I got were unsatisfying at best.

 

So I realized that dating sites were a trap for men and started hitting on more women in real life. I then got rejected a bunch more. So I went on FB and said "if you're a friend of mine I'm attracted to and we never speak anyhow I'm going to give it a shot, worst case we never speak again." Which ended up going the "never speak with any of those girls again" path, even after a date.

 

And so I slowly started hitting on random women again this month. I've gotten two numbers and an email, and all have led to silence.

 

Just letting all you guys out there in a similar position know that you're not alone on your boat. Many are broken in the same way. Whether you're afraid to walk up or not, whether you have a good story or not, whether you're worth it or not. The most painful part? If you were the sort of person who attracted women, you would have a lot of women by now. Taking risks while being honest about who you are and your intentions won't necessarily help, because being just yourself never did in the first place.

 

Random women?

 

I'd guess that's your problem. Many (most) women find random men just asking them for dates a bit skeevy.

 

Yes, you're right, if you are Mr Clickshisfingersandgirlsswoon you would have a lot of women.

 

So what? You obviously aren't, I'm not and nor are most of the guys on the planet.

If you're just after sex I would suggest the nearest happeningist hook up bar around, eventually you'll score.

 

If you want a relationship you'll have to do some work.

 

Volunteer somewhere there are websites to help with that, join a club of some sort that caters for peeps of your age group.

Link to post
Share on other sites

By its very definition aren't the vast majority of men "average"?

 

We don't have a huge gender disparity in this country. Nor do we have widespread polygamy.

 

Basically there are as many single women out there as there are single men. Lots of extremely average women and extremely average men.

 

You said that the dates that you have been able to land are "way below your standards" - what are these standards which you have set, that you can't find women to meet?

 

Lastly, you describe yourself as average. Are your social skills average? Above average or sub par?

 

In my experience good social skills can trump otherwise average traits.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Personally I love an average guy but if this keeps happening to you then there is only one common denominator.

 

Yeah, that's what the whole thing is about, thanks for rubbing it in and please go away :)

 

No, I'm not just looking for sex. The last place I want to be is a dive bar or clubbing looking for long term relationships and dating.

 

In regards to the relationships... I would say the two sort of "real" relationships were with unhealthy women. The first woman (4 years) was desperate for a man and felt far less value for herself than she should have. The second had a spinning wheel of men and I felt as though I was just the flavour of the month.

 

The terrible part is that I realized I wanted a romantic relationship with more than just sexual gratification about 7 months ago. So I put myself out there and worked hard to meet new people. Every month you work but see no success the more you feel like whether you work for it or want it or not it's the same. I think this is an expression of that.

 

Socially I'd say I'm above average. Everyone I know gives me compliments on my confidence and I'm often told that I have an innocent/naive side. I recently confessed these feelings I've been having to a close friend and he said I had "the most potential" of all our friends in terms of work and women. Obviously there's some aspect to social skills I'm ****ing up consistently. I think it might be that I put myself maybe "too" out there, but really I've been talking with anyone and everyone in the last 7 months in an effort to reduce anxiety with strangers. On the elevator, waiting in line for coffee or at a shop, at the hairdressers, etc. I see a lot of success when I do that too; I do get women's numbers this way. They all go silent quickly though. Maybe I'm getting too disconnected from people's reactions due to constantly speaking to stranger and just push forward regardless of what they're actually feeling.

 

There's men uglier than me that I know that have lots of girlfriends; there's men more beautiful than me than have none. I think physically I'm average to below average.

Edited by j_flow
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

This was in reply to a comment that was deleted

 

The top 5% get oodles of dates, actually. The average guy has few to no dates. What's weird is that there's just as many single men as there are single women, but both groups complain that they can't find anyone.

Edited by j_flow
Link to post
Share on other sites
The top 5% get oodles of dates, actually. The average guy has few to no dates. What's weird is that there's just as many single men as there are single women, but both groups complain that they can't find anyone.

 

It's probably a mix of having too high of standards & not meeting anyone that's relationship material to them. I genuinely think social media has made a lot of people too picky these days.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's probably a mix of having too high of standards & not meeting anyone that's relationship material to them. I genuinely think social media has made a lot of people too picky these days.

 

I think it really is. I threw what I "expected" in the trash when I started due to the countless posts on these sites saying "you need to lower your standards and see if you still hate those people."

Link to post
Share on other sites

No-one is owed a relationship in life and lets be honest there are a lot of priorities now that don't include it. People are wiser in their choices now, they're not all seeking relationships just because that's what people do. They are seeking a specific kind of relationship and are relatively happy on their own in the meantime. I know a lot of people who think this way and truly are happy on their own. No-one has to be coupled to be happy and a lot of people are deciding that single life is for them. Welcome to evolution of the human race. We aren't a dying breed on the planet so there isn't a great impetus for everyone to breed.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
No-one is owed a relationship in life and lets be honest there are a lot of priorities now that don't include it.

 

The more vulgar side of me would say "yeah but I want to breed", but really I'm looking for romantic fulfillment. I feel like I have a place in work and with friends, but that another sense of being needed on an intimate, emotional, romantic level is not being fulfilled. Balance in all things, right?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it really is. I threw what I "expected" in the trash when I started due to the countless posts on these sites saying "you need to lower your standards and see if you still hate those people."

 

I've been told that to do that on here as well. I'm just like nope, I'll stay single than to be with someone I have no attraction to. What's the point if every time I'm in bed with her I feel no attraction. It's just a pointless suggestion. I'd like to see those people who suggest that do that themselves, which obviously they won't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It only sucks if one wants a lot of attention. Otherwise, pretty cool.

 

You are an infinite abyss of warmth. If I just keep failing like this it's cool? Thanks man :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
The more vulgar side of me would say "yeah but I want to breed", but really I'm looking for romantic fulfillment. I feel like I have a place in work and with friends, but that another sense of being needed on an intimate, emotional, romantic level is not being fulfilled. Balance in all things, right?

 

Then you have to become the kind of person someone else wants to be intimate with. Obviously you're a bit wide of the mark at the moment, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. A big hint here is that people don't generally want to be intimate with someone who blames unchangeable and external things for their own predicament. Yes our environment and our circumstances challenge us for sure. But in any given set of circumstances there are those who go on to achieve something and those that sit around pointing to their circumstances as the reason why they can't. The latter are people that others generally avoid.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No-one is owed a relationship in life and lets be honest there are a lot of priorities now that don't include it. People are wiser in their choices now, they're not all seeking relationships just because that's what people do. They are seeking a specific kind of relationship and are relatively happy on their own in the meantime. I know a lot of people who think this way and truly are happy on their own. No-one has to be coupled to be happy and a lot of people are deciding that single life is for them. Welcome to evolution of the human race. We aren't a dying breed on the planet so there isn't a great impetus for everyone to breed.

 

I think the people that are happy in the meantime are the ones that have had some relationships in the past already. It's really easy for them to be content knowing they had it, & can take a breather per say from being in a relationship at the current moment. It's the ones that struggle with finding anyone that don't feel that way I'm pretty sure of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've personally found average, though it might suck to be invisible to women sometimes, to be quite beneficial in life. Attractive enough to move people, but not so attractive as to intimidate or otherwise cause negative reactions. Not repulsive, rather somewhat forgetable. People don't mind a hug but no need to linger. Average. Not good not bad.

 

However, when I was, ages ago, hellbent on spewing little carhill genes around, my opinion was different :D

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
But in any given set of circumstances there are those who go on to achieve something and those that sit around pointing to their circumstances as the reason why they can't. The latter are people that others generally avoid.

 

I've been working hard for 7 months, I need to vent man :)

 

I didn't just sit around pointing at circumstances. I accepted I had gaping issues and worked methodically to try to turn that around. And now I know I still have further to go, and it hurts. Being "just you" didn't cut it for me then, and it doesn't cut it yet. This is sort of the lost theme of my main post.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think the people that are happy in the meantime are the ones that have had some relationships in the past already. It's really easy for them to be content knowing they had it, & can take a breather per say from being in a relationship at the current moment. It's the ones that struggle with finding anyone that don't feel that way I'm pretty sure of it.

 

Yeah, exactly. At some fundamental level everyone needs romantic fulfillment. Being able to take a breather and knowing you can return to having it is fine. Not being able to get it when you want it most is the killer.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think the people that are happy in the meantime are the ones that have had some relationships in the past already. It's really easy for them to be content knowing they had it, & can take a breather per say from being in a relationship at the current moment. It's the ones that struggle with finding anyone that don't feel that way I'm pretty sure of it.

 

Which brings me back to my last point, if you want intimacy, you have to be the kind of person others want to be intimate with. Now plenty of average people I know including myself have been that person. Clearly it's possible. But it does take a change in mindset from being a victim of circumstance to being someone who can make things happen. Last time I looked I didn't have any super powers, but I've spent time in both categories and can assure you from experience people can smell a victim mentality from a mile.

 

No matter how much you smile, no matter what you say. There is just a vibe which is off and turns people away. If that's happening to you or anyone then I can also assure you that there is probably an unpleasant truth you're in denial about. The good news is, it's fixable, but not while you bang the drum of your victimhood.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, exactly. At some fundamental level everyone needs romantic fulfillment. Being able to take a breather and knowing you can return to having it is fine. Not being able to get it when you want it most is the killer.

 

Yep. A lot of the people that are perfectly fine with it can get another relationship fairly easy or it's some MGTOW nonsense. The ones that struggle to get relationships are definitely not content, since why would they be?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Can't be sure from your wording, but it sounded to me like you were not taking women out on proper dates but were just trying to sleep with them without treating them like humans first and taking time to date and get to know them a little. Not many women get attached to that. Why not try to just think about going out on dates where you pick the woman up and take her somewhere you can afford and just talk and find out who she is before thinking about sex. I'm not saying anything wrong with getting laid once in awhile but I think you may be in a rut from having that early success of only doing that and need to change your habits to find a real relationship. Good luck.

 

Average guys do just fine usually, as long as they date average women. I got a whiff that maybe you are trying to date above your attraction level. That will never bring you a balanced and genuine mutual relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No matter how much you smile, no matter what you say. There is just a vibe which is off and turns people away. If that's happening to you or anyone then I can also assure you that there is probably an unpleasant truth you're in denial about. The good news is, it's fixable, but not while you bang the drum of your victimhood.

 

Precisely. But it's way easier (not to mention, more comfortable) to perpetually pass the buck and blame things such as social media and people being "too picky."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Which brings me back to my last point, if you want intimacy, you have to be the kind of person others want to be intimate with. Now plenty of average people I know including myself have been that person. Clearly it's possible. But it does take a change in mindset from being a victim of circumstance to being someone who can make things happen. Last time I looked I didn't have any super powers, but I've spent time in both categories and can assure you from experience people can smell a victim mentality from a mile.

 

No matter how much you smile, no matter what you say. There is just a vibe which is off and turns people away. If that's happening to you or anyone then I can also assure you that there is probably an unpleasant truth you're in denial about. The good news is, it's fixable, but not while you bang the drum of your victimhood.

 

Well, when I'm at work, 99% of the women I interact with are always really nice to me so I guess no one senses when I'm in a bad mood. The problem is, the advice I've been given on this forum is that I have to improve in different areas such as getting a better job, going back to school etc, to have a chance. I get that, but it still doesn't leave me any less frustrated that I can't have what I wish I did. It stings a lot when I constantly see guys around me with women I find really attractive. I'm just the outsider looking in always.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think most "average" guys do just fine on the dating scene...most of them will attract a woman from time to time as long as they're getting out of the house regularly; most of them will have had their first girlfriend before the age of 25; many of them will have had multiple relationships over the years; most of them will get married at least once.

 

Average guys tend to have decent social skills and a sense of humor. They may not be master conversationalists, but that's fine...they don't have to have social expertise in order to strike up and hold a conversation with most women and make at least some of them laugh. Decent is sufficient. Being socially compatible is more important, and that's a subjective thing...you're going to be at least somewhat compatible with the occasional woman, and incompatible with many others...no matter who you are.

 

Also, many average guys tend to fly under the radar a bit, which can be a good thing.

 

So no, it does not suck being the average guy. That said, having a victim mentality is going to be a major turnoff in the eyes of most others.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...