Longevity in Romantic Relationships

[Mysterio]

It seems to me there is a pattern to it.

 

I don't know any couple that stayed together. Had kids out of wedlock and were still a couple that are in their 70/80's. That met when they were in their 20/30's.

 

Its almost like if you don't get married. You won't stay together. Unless both parties are insynch with each other that they both don't need the marriage or need the marriage.

 

My friend's wife's female best friend got married 2 yrs ago to her husband and they had kids before. She actually thought her husband wanted to break up, because he had something important to say to her and booked a night with her.

 

She was married before as well. Although her new husband is the father of her two kids.

 

Anyways. What do you all think. Is there a pattern to stay together vs falling apart.

 

In my mind. The couple has to be of the same mindset when both are together . Most of my friends that are married. They all don't seem stressed and the ones that are common law seem to have a lot of problems. If I has to think tank my life. In order for me to have a reasonable success rate with a woman in a romantic life. I have to meet a women that is single/childless. Really into me romantically. We go out for 2-3 yrs and marry in yr 3 or 4. No kids during that, just to even make it. Also both are close friends and family support us being together.

[Els]

I don't know any couple that stayed together. Had kids out of wedlock and were still a couple that are in their 70/80's. That met when they were in their 20/30's.

 

Well, to play devil's advocate... in order for this scenario to happen, that couple would need to have been born in the 1930s, and gotten into a common law arrangement in the 1950s. Otherwise they would not be of the age that you mention today. How common were common law arrangements in the 1950s? There's your answer.

 

Common law arrangements have really only started being common practice within the last 20 years or so. Most countries with laws that recognize them, only put those laws into practice within the last 20 years as well. So if you really want to make a comparison, you'd need to wait another 50 years. And then you'd take the number of Gen Y couples who did get married vs the number who remained de facto/common law, and compare the stats between the two.

 

I'm not against marriage, I do think it has value, I'm just saying your comparison doesn't hold water.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Elswyth

[basil67]

Elswyth just echoed what I was about to say. Common law relationships weren't a thing 50 or 60 years ago. There really is no comparison.

 

I divorced my first actual husband after 4 years. But I'm 24 years with my common law partner (along with mortgage, teenage kids etc). It proves what you say about being in-sync. Mind you, being out of sync one way or another is the reason ALL relationships end. Married or not.

 

Anyway, I sometimes look at the relationship drama and divorces of some of our married friends and thank my lucky stars for having such an easy relationship. It may get a bit boring at times with the day-to-day routines, but better that than turmoil.

[Mysterio]

I see both your points. I have to look at things in the past in comparison to today. 50 yrs ago Common law was not really relevent, unless it was unofficial.

 

Not project the future when I am in my 70/80's and look around me to my family and friends.

[Mysterio]

Day to day is supposed to be basic. Not everyday can be exciting adventure. Booring to me means. Not being able to have an interesting conversation about life.

 

Thats why I think couples need alone time away from the kids 1-3 times a week if possible. Just the couple enjoying themselves without talking about the bills/kids/family events to certain extents. There will always be shop talk. Just talking about life and the world around them.

 

I actually think that interesting conversations and laughs should be one notch above sex. Sex is great, but it only has enough power to keep a couple together.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It seems to me there is a pattern to it.

 

I don't know any couple that stayed together. Had kids out of wedlock and were still a couple that are in their 70/80's. That met when they were in their 20/30's.

 

Its almost like if you don't get married. You won't stay together. Unless both parties are insynch with each other that they both don't need the marriage or need the marriage.

 

My friend's wife's female best friend got married 2 yrs ago to her husband and they had kids before. She actually thought her husband wanted to break up, because he had something important to say to her and booked a night with her.

 

She was married before as well. Although her new husband is the father of her two kids.

 

Anyways. What do you all think. Is there a pattern to stay together vs falling apart.

 

In my mind. The couple has to be of the same mindset when both are together . Most of my friends that are married. They all don't seem stressed and the ones that are common law seem to have a lot of problems. If I has to think tank my life. In order for me to have a reasonable success rate with a woman in a romantic life. I have to meet a women that is single/childless. Really into me romantically. We go out for 2-3 yrs and marry in yr 3 or 4. No kids during that, just to even make it. Also both are close friends and family support us being together.

 

That's just the way it is these days, unfortunately. I think most relationships have a lifespan, at the most between 3 to 5 years. Then they just grow apart.

 

There's this woman that's been "engaged' for years, but never got married. Usually that means the relationship is in a downward spiral, and her male orbiters are circling. lol

 

Marriage's don't last forever either, divorces are quite as common as a break-up, except you have to deal with all the legal matters.

 

Funny, "common law" they call it? My parents call it, "Shackin' up"

[Toodaloo]

Back in the days when our Grandparents got married life was a heck of a lot more structured and social protocols were much stricter. if you got pregnant you got married. Simple as. If you were "showing" by the time of the wedding you didn't have pictures taken, you didn't have many guests and it wasn't celebrated.

 

If your husband beat you half to death each week, well that was just tough luck.

 

If your husband didn't give you enough to feed and clothe your children - tough luck.

 

Women didn't tend to have jobs or a way to earn their own way. So they were stuck and trapped with no way out.

 

Then there was a way out when the divorce laws changed.

 

Men and women were able to get out of terrible marriages and move on. Slowly over time it has become more acceptable and easier to do that.

 

So the comparison is like comparing apples with alligators.

 

We are all about "self fulfilment" these days.

 

In many respects and taken in context it is a great thing. No longer do people have to wait until they are beaten to death to get out of a bad marriage, now they can protect themselves and get divorced and move on.

 

Taken out of context its a bad thing. It makes those predisposed to selfishness more selfish.

 

Like everything there are positives and negatives.

 

I still believe in marriage which is why I haven't done it yet. I will only marry a man that I have complete confidence in. That is my right and my freedom of choice to do so. For that I am grateful. I would not wish to go back to the "good old days"... There was a lot that wasn't so good about them.

 

I doubt that the success of relationship has anything to do with cohabiting etc. Its down to the two people involved and their joint willingness to make it work together, as a team.

[SammySammy]

I think most people in long-term relationships or marriages today have just settled for somebody. Maybe that's why the call it settling down. They seem to have found somebody they tolerate and just meander through life.

 

Many of my friends seem to be miserable - male and female. They stay because of the kids and maybe this person will take care of them when they are old.

 

It's like they have given up. A leaf on the water floating down the stream of life.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think most people in long-term relationships or marriages today have just settled for somebody. Maybe that's why the call it settling down. They seem to have found somebody they tolerate and just meander through life.

 

Many of my friends seem to be miserable - male and female. They stay because of the kids and maybe this person will take care of them when they are old.

 

It's like they have given up. A leaf on the water floating down the stream of life.

 

Most people do 'settle' as you call it, but compared to an ideal fantasy.

 

In other words, it's only settling if you actually know of somebody who is comprehensively better for you, and you have gotten to know them to the point where you know it's the case.

 

For example, I wouldn't say me and the woman I'm dating now have an amazing connection. But nor have I ever met ANY woman that I have an amazing connection with. Not high school, college, work, etc.

 

With another one of my exes, we probably have more in common and can talk easier, but she is anal and cold and has a contrasting demeanor.

 

Is there a woman out there (in this world) who totally connects with me like my male best friend, and has a similar viewpoint of life? Probably there is. I also have never even come close to meeting her. It's easy to imagine that a woman who likes the Beatles, or horror movies, or laughs really hard at one of my dumb jokes is a better fit. But that's conjecture.

 

80% of women see your face, race, and/or height and you're automatically eliminated, so maybe you calculate the odds of finding such a person...

 

I think half of people approach marriage this way. The other half are just emotional and spontaneous. They meet someone hot and fun and gives them butterflies, and that's enough. Those are the ones that are more likely to fall apart.

Edited October 11, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think most people in long-term relationships or marriages today have just settled for somebody. Maybe that's why the call it settling down. They seem to have found somebody they tolerate and just meander through life.

 

Many of my friends seem to be miserable - male and female. They stay because of the kids and maybe this person will take care of them when they are old.

 

It's like they have given up. A leaf on the water floating down the stream of life.

 

Yet on the other end of the spectrum, I've seen people in their 40's, married for 20 years, still happily married.

 

I am reminded of a woman who used to be a designated driver for all her single friends telling dating horror stories she constantly keeps hearing from them. She said is SO thankful she never has to worry about that.

 

I guess some would envy her.

[Mysterio]

My Married Friends vs Cohabs.

 

Feels to me like my Married Friends are more rock solid.

 

My Cohab friends just seem to be going through the motions and have problems.

 

The woman is usually discontented on some level with the Cohabs. The Married women are fine. Never really complain.

 

Those that Cohabed before seem more restless. Only one Cohab feels rock solid.

 

The way I see it in my mind is this. If I get involved with a woman/have her live with me/have child out of wedlock. Our relationship will fall apart in the future and we will break up, with no chance of getting back together and co-parent our child.

 

If I meet a women and we don't live together/have a child before marriage. We go out for at least 2-3 yrs. Get married after that. Have a child a year or two later. With in reason, we will be rock solid.

 

Thats the way it is in my town. Cohabs to me never really seem happy except one couple I know. All the marriages seem to be on track. I don't feel like the couples are together for the sake of it.

 

Once again. I feel like there is a pattern. The only reason I am single right now is that my Ex wanted to fast track having a kid/marriage. by month 4. I felt we were not there yet.

 

For me my pace is this. Until there is a lot of interesting conversations and laughs and affection between us. In a organic way. We both meet each others family and friends and we are very insynch. Most couples are not insynch. I want to be different and unique.

[Mysterio]

June/July/September. You think that the Butterfly effect on a person and that giddiness. Those are the couples that fall apart? Probably your right.

 

Its almost like its better to be steady and more logical in our approch with romantic relationships.

 

Then again its a balance. Too Logical. Then your bored. Too much butterflys. You burn out.

 

You really need both.