SerCay Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I met a really great guy on the internet about a month ago. He asked me out twice and I said yes the 2nd time. We went for dinner and drinks afterwards twice, and we have an amazingg chemistry. We talk a lot, we laugh, we kiss....it's all really really good. We also talk through IM daily, but not for hours, short and sweet update conversations. We kissed on both our dates and it was really passionate...like we couldn't keep our hands off each other. But I did not feel like sleeping with him yet. While I was expecting a third date, yesterday he asked me; so when are you going to invite me to your place? It kinda felt weird to me for a guy to invite himself like that... I mean after all I have seen him twice only. So I told him that I would like to get to know him a little better before inviting him. And asked him to go to lunch with me this week. He reacted in a normal way...and said he understands, but I can really sense that he was disappointed. What do you all think of this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 What do you all think of this situation? Well, you were already all over each other ... twice. Most men are pretty aware that ZERO % of women would do that with a guy on the first 2 dates unless she thought he was pretty damn hot/attractive, so he knows he's good there. Now it's just a question of whether or not he just wants booty or is interested in more. So ... if you keep up the 'plenty of contact' but no sex, you should get your answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 He wanted to bone and you told him no. What guy wouldn't be kind of disappointed? Especially since you've been getting hot and heavy on your dates. Guess you'll just have to wait and see if he sticks around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 OP's story in food: I run a bakery and my key lime pie is to die for but I don't make it very often. One of my new regular customers comes buy every day. He loves my white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies. Like LOVES them. Buys 6 at a time and I swear he wolfs half of them down before he leaves the shop. The other day he asked when I was going to make my key lime pie. I told him I dunno and asked him if he wanted some cookies. Maybe some day I will make it. He seemed disappointed. Did I ruin this customer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 I think I get the point you guys are trying to make... I shouldn't have kissed him so soon if I didn't want to get physical so fast? Is that it? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 SerCay, look at your issue: You are worried that you ruined it because you by your gut feeling. But the alternative would have been to go against what you think is right to catch a guy who may not be on the same wavelength as you. Does this make sense to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 (edited) I think I get the point you guys are trying to make... I shouldn't have kissed him so soon if I didn't want to get physical so fast? Is that it? No. My point is that he really wanted your key lime pie/to be invited over (and probably sex). He asked and you said no. Of course he'd be disappointed. If he was completely unfazed by it that would mean he didn't really want you key lime pie... Right? And there is nothing wrong with making him wait for it either. Just don't take his disappointment as being that you did something bad. He just didn't get what he wanted. That being said, I do think in the interest of avoiding sending the wrong message you might want to be clear that you too want to develop that sort of intimacy (if you really do) it is just that you need more time/contact with him to feel comfortable. But your desire for that level is intimacy is there. If he's smart, he'll voice his support of your need to be comfortable and may even ask how he can help you gain that level of comfort. Don't take that as asking for instructions for getting into your pants - at least not necessarily so. Edited October 10, 2016 by Mrin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 I think I get the point you guys are trying to make... I shouldn't have kissed him so soon if I didn't want to get physical so fast? Is that it? I for one don't agree with this. By kissing him, you let him know that you were into him. But the fact you kiss a guy passionately DOES NOT imply that you want sex really soon. Another food comparison: You offer a guy coffee and cake. This does not mean that the next time you see him you'll be cooking him a three course meal. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 SerCay, why are you blaming yourself? Serious question. Your thinking is similar to that of a woman who's been raped but blames herself for wearing a short skirt. Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Rape comparison is a very far stretch here. He didn't do anything wrong by asking for sex or being mildly disappointed when he was turned down. He might even still be interested. If he pulls away from you because of the situation then he was probably never going to be serious with you anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Rape comparison is a very far stretch here. He didn't do anything wrong by asking for sex or being mildly disappointed when he was turned down. He might even still be interested. If he pulls away from you because of the situation then he was probably never going to be serious with you anyway. I'm not for a moment suggesting that what he did was anything like rape. He didn't even do anything wrong. What I was pointing out is that the OP is wrong to be blaming herself for a misunderstanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 For me, it's a serious turn off when a guy just invites himself to my place. At the very least, have some manners and invite me to yours. There are also plenty of guys that when they really like a girl, they won't risk ruining it by pushing for sex so early. You told him no now, that should be enough. If he keeps inviting himself over or being overly sexually pushy, I would move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 Comes from my childhood and past abusive relationship. I have just recently learned to set boundaries and I'm succeeding but I still feel uncomfortable whenever I do. I feel like I'm losing out on something when my response to not wanting him in my house so soon is probably very normal and healthy.. Work in progress I gues... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 For me, it's a serious turn off when a guy just invites himself to my place. At the very least, have some manners and invite me to yours. Exactly this. And he did invite me over to his place after our second date but I said no... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Comes from my childhood and past abusive relationship. I have just recently learned to set boundaries and I'm succeeding but I still feel uncomfortable whenever I do. I feel like I'm losing out on something when my response to not wanting him in my house so soon is probably very normal and healthy.. Work in progress I gues... YES!!! And this is the mindset you need to keep up. You must remember that what you're potentially losing out on is a man who potentially doesn't have the same outlook as you. Of course, he may not be put off at all...but if he pressures you, you might have to ditch him. And FWIW, I totally agree with whoever pointed out that him inviting himself to your place for sex is not cool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 For me, it's a serious turn off when a guy just invites himself to my place. At the very least, have some manners and invite me to yours. There are also plenty of guys that when they really like a girl, they won't risk ruining it by pushing for sex so early. You told him no now, that should be enough. If he keeps inviting himself over or being overly sexually pushy, I would move on. Maybe he lives with his parents. Under those circumstances, I'm sure it would be OK with you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 11, 2016 Author Share Posted October 11, 2016 He doesn't...has roommates but that's it Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 (edited) Hey SerCay How goes the world with you? Relax over this Man already, if he wanted to charm you between the sheets he needs to up his game, Spa weekend away or something, City break for two... somewhere kind of public but private. A bit of passion with panache .. I've found two books you might care to have a look at: Nothing to do with the romantic dilemma, both available quite cheep on that e bay place. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Author: Susan Cain The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You - Author: Aron, Elaine N. The first one, Quiet, is a real eye opener, I believe myself to be Introvert/HSP and this book explained a lot. I haven't started the second yet but a brief scan of it, it looks real good. Did you ever move town for the other job? If this man is special he will prove it, otherwise he won't.. Men are two-a-penny don't fret over it. Edited October 11, 2016 by Nowty V Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Heyy! I did take the job but never moved ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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