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One of the boys...


Midnight_Madness

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Midnight_Madness

Hi,

 

I am a young single female in a male predominant friendship group. Many of my male friends, like me, are single and looking for a partner. However, we are too close as a group to date inter-friendship, as spoken of many times amongst friends. I have been called 'one of the boys' or '...guys' on multiple occasions and am growing weary of the term. I feel, though it's meant as a compliment, that it defeminises me and could possibly be the reason behind my lack of romantic relationships.

 

So I guess my questions are;

-Should I worry about being 'one of the guys'?

-Could my mannerisms be off putting to men?

 

Bonus question; How can you tell if someone is genuinely interested in you as opposed to being sexually interested?

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Do you act differently around your female friends? If yes, how? Why?

 

To answer your questions IMO I wouldn't worry about being 'one of the guys' if you enjoy being one of the guys and the behavior and emotional components are natural for you. If your male friends see you as one of the guys and don't find you attractive to date, that's OK. They're not part of your dating pool, rather your platonic friends.

 

Your mannerisms might inhibit or affect natural sexual attraction to some extent but that's dependent on the man. Each man is different. If you have experience with men and being sexual with men and flirting with men, your 'one of the guys' mannerisms shouldn't inhibit the natural sexual dance you might feel with one particular guy.

 

On the sexual thing, expect that every man who expresses interest in you has that interest driven, at some level, by sex and mating. Time will tell on the rest. IME, the sexual thing, for both genders, seems to have an expiration date so don't keep an ostensibly sexual relation non-sexual for too long. People cool and move on. Not everyone but most IME, and that includes women too.

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Look, I hate to sound shallow, but I think you need a style makeover. Hoards of guys don't "just want to be friends" with you unless you are failing to exude femininity.

 

So if you're dressing grungy or masculine and you want to interest a man, you need to start dressing more feminine. It doesn't mean you have to be all pink and flouncy. But you have to show some skin and/or your curves. So some basics that shouldn't be offputting to anyone are a V-neck knit top that fits you and comes in at the waist. If you're a little bit flat, wear a "demi" bra underneath to push them up a little. Wear maybe a little necklace of some type, and then well-fitting pants or skirt, nothing baggy at all. Also, don't go along with crass stuff guys do and join in on that if you want to be seen as feminine. Men LIKE the difference. If they liked boys, they'd be chasing boys. They like the feminine aspect of women, the color, the bangles, the shoes. So peel it back cussing or just acting like a frat boy around the guys.

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Maybe because none of you can date it is more comfortable for the to refer to you as "one of the boys" that way they don't look at you sexually.

 

Now when you go out with friends to party, club, etc., do you dress girly and act feminine? That's where it counts.

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Midnight_Madness

Hi,

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer a few questions;

-Yes, I do act differently around my female friends of a different social group. However not with the female friends in my predominantly male group.

-I do dress to my body shape in fitted clothes and often receive compliments for it. I'm quite curvatious and that does attract male attention just mainly not that of someone looking for a relationship.

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RecentChange

Growing up I was often in "the boys club" I was a bit of a Tom boy, as I was raised by a single dad, was more interested in how to work on a car than fashion magazines, I was sporty and outdoorsy, would rather spend an afternoon with the dudes than go to the mall.

 

To this day I find it easier to hold a conversation with a group of men rather than a group of women.

 

And like you, I did not date guys in this close social circle.

 

But that didn't stop me from dating / having boy friends! I had plenty of opportunities to meet guys at school, at parties etc etc, there was absolutely no reason to limit myself to my "guy friends" - and I wasn't interested in any of them anyway (that's why they were in the friend zone!)

 

So I disagree you have to change yourself to get men's attention.

 

As for interested in you vs. interested in sex..... well, that's a complicated subject! Are there certain behaviors that you are questioning?

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Midnight_Madness

As for interested in you vs. interested in sex..... well, that's a complicated subject! Are there certain behaviors that you are questioning?

 

 

Hi again,

 

I'm not too sure if I am exhibiting certain behaviours which indicate I am more likely to be interested in sex as opposed to a relationship. I show off what I have in a decent manor and am very open about all subjects. My male friends say they think they would easily attract and find a boyfriend if they were me and are surprised I haven't already as 'it is easier for women ?'. However I don't think any of the interest I have received is anything more than sexual. Even my male friends show signs of sexual attractions at times.

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JuneJulySeptember
Hi,

 

I am a young single female in a male predominant friendship group. Many of my male friends, like me, are single and looking for a partner. However, we are too close as a group to date inter-friendship, as spoken of many times amongst friends. I have been called 'one of the boys' or '...guys' on multiple occasions and am growing weary of the term. I feel, though it's meant as a compliment, that it defeminises me and could possibly be the reason behind my lack of romantic relationships.

 

So I guess my questions are;

-Should I worry about being 'one of the guys'?

-Could my mannerisms be off putting to men?

 

Bonus question; How can you tell if someone is genuinely interested in you as opposed to being sexually interested?

 

As a general rule of thumb, the less feminine you are in every area except for dress, the more men will like you.

 

I really don't think most men like going into Sephora, watching women take selfies while hugging each other, or watching Bridget Jones movies. They tolerate it.

 

I think if instead you watched football (really watched it), drank beer, and played the guitar, you'd have many more men into you. And laidback, most women are much less laidback than most men.

 

I do think there are some men who want a girly girl. Just like some women want a masculine man. But I think most guys would prefer someone who was one of the guys.

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My male friends say they think they would easily attract and find a boyfriend if they were me and are surprised I haven't already as 'it is easier for women ?'. However I don't think any of the interest I have received is anything more than sexual. Even my male friends show signs of sexual attractions at times.

 

I'm sure most of your male friends have thought about dating you. Honestly. They act like they don't see you as a GF because you don't show them you're interested either.

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Sometimes it's just a turn of phrase. I mean I have a few male friends who are mostly boyfriends of female friends and they say we're all "one of the boys" because we get on almost like a family when we meet up in a group. Because I'm not trying to impress in that kind of way and I feel comfortable around them, I'm not exuding my sexuality (for obvious reasons!).

 

Sometimes when men see it, it just means that for some reason they don't experience the male/female dichotomy enough around you and that after all is one of the elements of attraction - it could what you wear, your body language, how you act in a group, the kind of jokes you make, your hobbies etc. It could even be how much you are drinking and how long you stay during nights out, whether you get up to any antics and that sort of thing.

 

Personally I've always been pretty feminine. I have long hair and a curvaceous body. I have a few close female friends but since I was about 18, I've had good friendships with men as well. So maybe in some ways I am a tomboy. There are some things you can't get from friendships with men so I like to have both. In a way I don't think you should too much because that phrase could mean anything. You could always ask whoever said it for clarification.

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I've definitely run across women who give off a man vibe and dating them was never a thought in my mind. My girlfriend is super feminine and I love it. One of the many, many, things I love about her. :)

 

If curvaceous really means overweight that could be affecting their attitudes towards dating you as well. It's really hard to say what's going on for sure just based on 2 posts in this thread.

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Since you're dressing okay, then it's something you're doing, like acting too masculine or something. Let's hope it stops short of participating in burping contests. If you have any type of big defensive attitude, you know, a chip on your shoulder, that may make you seem tough. I think your best way to find out what it is you're doing that's scaring them off in that way is to ask someone who knows you, a sister, a best friend, a youngish aunt for their honest opinion. You know, I'm an old cowgirl in one of my incarnations and used to wear cowboy boots a lot and the swagger to go with it that was pretty masculine. I began to balance it out with more feminine clothing and makeup and stuff, which worked. But I think in my basic form I was a little too masculine seeming. Plus I'm just a strong person so that amplified it. Someone will know what it is about you that's intimidating them. So find out! It will probably be something you can change just a detail and it will fix things.

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I was in a few groups like that in college - I suppose I was considered 'one of the boys' because we engaged in a very male-dominated hobby and I was the only girl in the group who was interested in it. I had heaps of fun and have fond memories of it now, several years later :). Not everything in life is about dating.

 

But even on the dating front, I eventually met two of my boyfriends (my ex, and my current) through one of those groups. So I'll say that it doesn't necessarily negate your chances.

 

I agree with AMJ - it's quite likely that some of them (not all, but some) are interested in you but don't dare to say anything for fear of ruining the friendship. I once had a fearless guy in a similar group pursue me, and I DIDN'T like him - he didn't take no for an answer, resulting in an unfixable awkwardness between everyone there, and I eventually left the group. If you gave them some hints that you liked them, they might be more amenable to pursuing you.

Edited by Elswyth
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...

I'm not too sure if I am exhibiting certain behaviours which indicate I am more likely to be interested in sex as opposed to a relationship.

 

Though flirty behavior will encourage more of us to approach you, many of us guys will approach you even if you are walking fast, typing on your laptop, working out with your headphones, etc...I have myself gestured women to take their headphones off at the cafe, and interrupted them between sets in the gym. :p

 

I show off what I have in a decent manor and am very open about all subjects. My male friends say they think they would easily attract and find a boyfriend if they were me and are surprised I haven't already as 'it is easier for women ?'. However I don't think any of the interest I have received is anything more than sexual. Even my male friends show signs of sexual attractions at times.

These male friends of yours are "orbiters". They've always been sexually interested in you, but have never had the confidence to let you know, fearing "rejection". So they'll orbit till the cows come home.

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Have any of these guys been dating? Maybe I'm wrong. Have all of them had girlfriends already? If not, they're just not ready. If so, something is up.

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