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Male friends--don't really have any and never have; should I be concerned?


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It just hit me that I don't really have any male friends, and never have. Certainly never male friends my age.

 

Historically when I have had a male friend, it has been someone much older who probably would have dated me if I'd been interested in them that way. They seemed safer, being older, but I cut most of those relationships off when I understood, only a few years ago, that they weren't really treating me like a "friend" but like someone they have a huge crush on and I'm just sucking up their attentions while not really feeling the respect I have for genuine friends. I realized *I* wasn't entirely sincere and so I shut those relationships down.

 

With guys my age, they're either interested in me romantically, or not interested in me at all--meaning, they don't even want to hang out with me. I've never had a same- or similar-age male friend who'd just go grab a couple of beers with me as buddies. I even do a lot of outdoor activities that guys typically dominate and while I always get offers from guys to be my hiking / backcountry skiing / backpacking / fly fishing buddy, I can feel that their primary motivation is that they're attracted to me--whether they say so outright, or through their demeanor.

 

Is there something wrong with me that I can't seem to have a male friend? Just a guy to hang out with? I don't think I'm really that "girly" of a girl. Though I do love long philosophical conversations and am very attuned to emotions.

 

I just fear that maybe my inability to form friendships with men is a symptom of the problems I've had historically with dating and romantic relationships. Guys always seem to like me, but unless it's to ask me on a date, they don't really ask to hang with me.

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Do you have strong platonic female friendships?

 

When you've had a boyfriend, did you and he do couple stuff with friends of yours where you came to enjoy the males and females similarly?

 

When meeting men through activities or social contacts, men who are attached or married, do you take opportunities to grow those relationships focused on the activity or social milieu?

 

As an example, when I used to volunteer on a bank's loan committee, I got to know a lot of the employees and their husbands/wives and some of those cross-gender contacts turned into friendships, mostly focused on our work but also away from work where we took interest in each other's personal lives.

 

How does it go for you?

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I have one female best friend, really the only person who has been a truly consistent presence in my life, showing as much interest in me as I have shown in her.

 

A lot of my other relationships have felt unbalanced, with me wanting more closeness than seems to be on offer, or with people presuming closeness because I tend to be open and friendly and vivacious, but for me the closeness isn't there.

 

I think maybe I send mixed messages at times, because I'm what is called an "extroverted introvert." I love people and am very social and conversational--I can strike up a conversation with literally ANYONE--but I like spending time by myself a lot, too.

 

I'm always careful with guys who are in a relationship or married, because I want to be sure their significant others feel comfortable with me being around and feel I am trustworthy. One close male friend who was married ended up falling in love with me, and the only thing I felt it was appropriate to do was to completely cut the friendship off. That was very disappointing as he was a good friend and I cared about him a lot. This was 15 years ago.

 

I've always enjoyed couple friends. But to be honest, none of my romantic relationships were stable enough for us to be able to relax into our social circle. My last two relationships, I was new in town with no friends yet of my own, so that added a challenge.

 

It's funny, because everyone always seems to like me a lot but especially with guys it never goes further than that. In volunteer activities and such, I always keep ending up with 2 or 3 guys who want to date me, and I shut them down because I don't want to lead them on.

 

Seems perhaps I AM doing something wrong but I'm not sure what it is.

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Midnight_Madness

Hi,

 

I am facing the completely opposite dilemma, perhaps we can help each other. I have predominantly male friends and little to no romantic relationships.

 

I make friends easily with guys usually via an introduction by friends (female or male). We talk, we share interests, it can even turn sexual but I stop them from being led on by choosing my words and subjects of conversation carefully. For instance, no talk of what we personally could be like together.

 

To make friends with guys I think the key is to be easy going, relaxed, not to gossip in an overt manor (guys still gossip they just do so more casually and often discretely) and to share common interests and or hobbies. Having mutual friends is also a bonus as if you meet around them it will feel less like a date.

 

P.s. Though male friends are fun they aren't compulsory.

 

Best of luck in the future ?.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Thanks for your insight, Midnight-Madness. I think you hit the nail on the head as to what my "problem" is with making guy friends: while I am actually easy-going beneath the surface, what you first notice about me is my intensity. Pair that with the fact that I'm emotionally awake and expressive and articulate and communicative, and I think guys either feel overwhelmed or think, "potential drama," and they don't seek out friendship with me. I am also a very sensitive person and so maybe that's off-putting to a lot of guys? I can't really change who I am, only refine myself, and so I guess I just have to keep being myself and doing what I love to do, and it will fall into place. I dunno.

 

How about you? I couldn't tell from your post whether you are concerned more with a lack of female friends, or with the fact that guys want to be friends with you, often moreso than they want to date you. ? What about your current situation with the opposite sex would you like to change, if anything?

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Did you have brothers? I think if you had brothers, it's not very important you have male friends. I mean, the advantage to the friendship is just to get to understand how men are when they're not trying to impress a woman. But you're not very likely to get that through male friends either because most of them do not particulary want to befriend a woman if they're not secretly attracted to her. I mean, I've never seen an above average looking young guy hanging out with a young obese woman just being freinds, though I'm sure it's happened somewhere sometime. But it illustrates that for them they base so much on attraction that to even enter your sphere, they have to physically attracted at least a little.

 

You may avoid some pitfalls of having guys you consider just friends then become a problem when they finally confess or make a move on you, because then the friendship usually has to end.

 

Of course, you're more apt to meet male friends through mutual interests or through other friends.

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I do find that women who exclaim that they "get along better with guys" and "just don't have any female friends" tend to subsconsciously or not like it this way or just sabotage potential friendships.

 

I'm a chill female. There's a woman in my building who is always with a male friend whenever I see her. I ran into her last month solo by the mailboxes and had invited her to my apartment to hang out since I learned we share a common hobby.

 

I actually thought we were going to hang that particular night that we bumped into each other. Never heard from her after I sent her a text that she can drop by to chill.

 

It seemed strange. Next morning, on my way out of the building, I saw she left a post-it note to a guy who lives on the 1st floor - "I'll stop by with the stuff tomorrow! -C"

 

My best advice for either predicament is to just be open to friendship with anyone - don't get fixated on gender. It's a waste of time.

Edited by Bialy
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We talk, we share interests, it can even turn sexual but I stop them from being led on by choosing my words and subjects of conversation carefully. For instance, no talk of what we personally could be like together.

If you like to talk about sexual topics with male friends and feel like you need to stop them from being led on... to me, that's not actual friendship. I wouldn't even bother discussing things of that nature with them. Unless there's something that you enjoy about that...? Some food for thought.

 

I rather have frank discussions and talks about sex with a female friend because neither of us have to worry about what you described at all.

Edited by Bialy
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I'm not sure that having close opposite sex friends (the type you hang out 1:1 with) is really all that common. Most people I know have mixed gender groups of friends, but their close friends are of the same gender.

 

Anyway, on the positive - at least you won't have to deal with the issue of future boyfriends getting wigged out by you having a close male friend. Or the close male friend's girlfriends getting wigged out by you.

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