Online dating not working.. Wheres my guy?

[Fruitee]

It used to be so easy. Meeting guys through school and friends. Now only option seems to be online or bars. I dont want to date someone from work and everyone at school is either married or too young. Also not a good idea to date someone from school.

 

So how can I find a man? I have been online dating and none of those guys can stand me or live up to my standards.

 

People say pick up a hobby but hobbies I like dont have men in them e.g. dancing.

 

And going alone to social events is too hard for me.

 

I have officially given up.

[GunslingerRoland]

People from all walks of life use online dating now. If you are writing off all men on online dating, then you are basically writing off all men.

 

If all of your hobbies are things that men don't like, then how are you ever going to strike common interest with a man anyway. I'm not sure why men can't stand you, or why none can live up to your standards... but it sounds like you may need to do some looking at yourself to see who you are, and what your expectations of a relationship is.

[Fruitee]

^ Yeah maybe I am even though I dont believe that all men do online dating.

 

And seriously do you honestly think that the only common ground to be found between woman and man is through hobby? I have basically never had common hobby with my bf yet we had things to talk about for years..

[Fruitee]

And I have done lot of soul searching and I think I have better view of myself and my expectations than many others do. Which sometimes scares men off too.

[nymphetgrown]

Whoever said it wasn't wise to date someone who goes to your school? Plenty of students date each other; now, if it's professors you're after, perhaps you should wait until you've finished school.

 

Sometimes the common factor in dating problems is... yourself. If all those men have only one thing in common, that they can't stand you or that they're not up to your standards, you have more soul-searching to do. You might have to change your online dating approach as well. You work; try setting aside some of the income for a paid site, perhaps?

 

As for social events, try taking a friend with you. That way you've got at least one other person in the room to chat with.

 

I say all this not knowing how old you are or where you are, so... details might help.

[GirlOnline]

Don't go crazy about it.

It will happent one day, and when it does, be ready to give and receive love.

[pteromom]

Oh definitely do online dating! And be very specific on there about what you are looking for.

 

No, not ALL MEN do online dating.

 

But many men who are looking for relationships do.

 

And it is very possible you might find one there.

[Buddhist]

You mean you didn't get swamped by eligible men via OLD? Oh noes the internet is broken....

 

Not poking fun at you but at one of the more popular idea's on LS. How about just being single for a while? You may come to like it? I understand what it's like to want something and not get it, hell I'm often up for a relationship but I wait years in-between. For whatever reason I'm just not in the right space to be in one. That's life so I roll with it and just enjoy my in-between time as best I can.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Buddhist

[Fruitee]

Yes Im fully aware of that the fact that common factor is myself. But online so many guys is just looking for sex. They only comment on my looks. They say hi and whats up after that nothing. Even if I do answer. Then they wanna rush into everything or nothing happens at all. Its very rare for guys to take the time and get to know me. They jump into conclusions after day or two of chatting. I dont feel comfortable telling privat things to someone who I have known for couple of days and then they get mad or something. This one guy blocked me because I was in a meeting and didnt answer his text in 30 min.

[Fruitee]

And so many guys have been single for like couple of weeks after long relationship e.g. in Tinder and then just jab about their ex.

[CoffeeChick]

And so many guys have been single for like couple of weeks after long relationship e.g. in Tinder and then just jab about their ex.

I'm feeling similarly frustrated. Online dating can be so ambiguous. I don't know if a guy likes me or not (and it's mostly just for a hookup which I'd rather not do) and I get frustrated and end up lashing out. I swear online dating is turning me into this neurotic witch because men just ask me for sex or give no indication at all if they like me or not. Gone are the days of them asking you out properly and the local community could vouch for them.

[Fruitee]

^ I actually think I have gone past that state. Now I am like zero ****s given and even if I have meaningful discussions and then dissapear I am just like oh another day in the office. Only after like 1 month can one be more secure with some dude from Online dating. Which is super frustrating. I basically dont even bother to initiate any contact and so on anymore because ot leads to no where. One of my challenges is to be more open and when I do that even then they dissapoint me. I would like to find a guy with job, some goals and ambition and someone who I can have interesting discussions with and who looks even some what decent. Not too much imho.

[CoffeeChick]

I just genuinely don't know how to meet guys anymore. One of my friends joined the same site as me and within two weeks found a guy who is crazy about him and now I'm having the sickening love stories. I'm happy for my friend but at the same time want to kick the **** out of something.

I don't know if I could go to a singles event without cringing to death. And really don't know what kind of activities I could meet men at.

[salparadise]

Yes Im fully aware of that the fact that common factor is myself. But online so many guys is just looking for sex. They only comment on my looks. They say hi and whats up after that nothing. Even if I do answer. Then they wanna rush into everything or nothing happens at all. Its very rare for guys to take the time and get to know me. They jump into conclusions after day or two of chatting. I dont feel comfortable telling privat things to someone who I have known for couple of days and then they get mad or something. This one guy blocked me because I was in a meeting and didnt answer his text in 30 min.

 

I think you have two self-defeating habits.

 

1. The "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." mentality. If none of the guys who like you meet your standards, you probably suffer from this syndrome.

 

2. Looking for guys who don't want sex, and want to "get to know you" by chatting online for some extended length of time. Facts: All guys want sex (and so do most women). You can't get to know anyone by chatting/texting online. All you're doing is creating a fantasy that he'll never live up to in real life.

 

Accept that dating is about finding someone to have sex with. You can determine when and how that happens, and you can find guy who want a relationship too... but thinking that you're going to prequalify anyone by chatting, and in doing so you'll find a guy who thinks like a woman (postponing sex), you're just kidding yourself... however, it's probably a good way to facilitate #1.

[Fruitee]

^ I think you misunderstood my message. By looking for sex I mean looking for hook-up, ons and fwb. Not a wife. Ofc you have sex in your relationship if thats what you wanna do. Not all couples have sex and are totally fine by that. What I mean is someone messaging me cos they wanna get into my pants not to know me. And by getting to know me I dont mean chatting in tinder and whatsapp I mean dating me and talking to me.

 

And there 10s or 100s of guys who like my photos. But they dont like my personality or something in me. And its not about even that much guy liking me but the fact that if he has any of the qualities I look for e.g. brains and if they are honest.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Fruitee

[central]

OLD is still the best way to meet someone, unless you can encounter a lot of single men some other way.

 

 

I don't know how many men you've met, but you have to meet a LOT to find a few who are great matches and worth dating for long enough to know if they're LTR material. You may have to screen hundreds, and go on a hundred dates/first meets to find a handful worth more time and effort. This isn't going to work if you don't approach it as a fun quest, rather than a burdensome slog to find a relationship. Even the worst losers can teach you something that will help you find a good match later (and avoid more of the really bad ones!).

 

 

As for sex: yeah, most men will be looking for sex, but the ones who are also interested in a relationship will wait a short time until you're ready. Hardly anyone is out looking for a sexless relationship, but many would be happy with a hookup. A few dates is usually enough to decide what their attitude really is - go from there.

 

 

The more you meet, the better you intuition will be when in contact online or reading profiles. My own experience is that I exchanged emails with nearly 1000 women, to find 50 I wanted to meet, and of those, about 10 led to multiple dates or relationships. I think you'll have greater success, though - but if not, don't get discouraged (just take a short break!).

Edited September 30, 2016 by central

[carhill]

So, OP, in the last six months, how many OLD first meets have you gone to?

 

IME with OLD, including meeting my wife through it, it was more about being single and feeling a bit of compatibility through the page and meeting to see if that translated into reality. I struggled mightily IRL but did well with OLD? Why? Basically, OLD presented ostensibly single people who wanted to date. IRL everyone I was meeting was married.

 

If the confluence of style and desires in a partner bring you a thin dating pool, accept that and continue on with the understanding that it may be thin but finding a compatible result will be very healthy and satisfying. People are easy to find. There's billions of us. Someone one wants to wake up next to for a goodly time to a lifetime, not so many; IMO exceedingly few.

 

If OLD has burnt you out, OK, accept that. Do something else for awhile. Grow your friendships and interests and passions. Dating will find you again.

[SwordofFlame]

I think the women that complain about men only wanting sex online are the ones that delete their accounts after a day of receiving only a bunch of messages from men asking for sex. Look, OLD is not easy, but you can be successful if you invest a significant amount of time and effort into it to filter out the undesirable people. That includes going on many first dates. OLD is really not for impatient people who want to put in little effort.

[salparadise]

^ I think you misunderstood my message. By looking for sex I mean looking for hook-up, ons and fwb. Not a wife. Ofc you have sex in your relationship if thats what you wanna do. Not all couples have sex and are totally fine by that. What I mean is someone messaging me cos they wanna get into my pants not to know me. And by getting to know me I dont mean chatting in tinder and whatsapp I mean dating me and talking to me.

 

No Fruitee, I don't believe I mis understood. You're lamenting the fact that you can't find a guy whose agenda aligns perfectly with yours. That's not how it works. Men and women have asymmetrical mating strategies.

 

You're looking for a guy who is looking for a wife... but guys don't go out to a bar or online dating site thinking, "oh, maybe I'll find a wife today." They're looking to get laid. And although the gals may actually be looking for a hubby, the way they get one is by getting dolled up in skimpy, hot outfits, displaying their assets, and dangling the possibility of sex.

 

The guy pretends to be interested in a relationship or marriage, the woman continues to dangle sex while trying to make the guy fall in love. Both are trying to get what they primarily want first, while dangling what they know the other wants to keep them interested. It's a delicate dance.

 

Some of the guys are pigs and just looking for low-hanging-fruit(ee). If they're disrespectful just block'em. But if they're just using some innuendo then maybe start the dance see if they can stay in step.

 

But if you're literally looking for a guy who wants to date (and is also smart, attractive, alpha, etc.) but not get laid... well, perhaps you should just adopt a unicorn.

[Fruitee]

^ I thinl your way of thinking is totally messed up..

[Fruitee]

I think the women that complain about men only wanting sex online are the ones that delete their accounts after a day of receiving only a bunch of messages from men asking for sex. Look, OLD is not easy, but you can be successful if you invest a significant amount of time and effort into it to filter out the undesirable people. That includes going on many first dates. OLD is really not for impatient people who want to put in little effort.

 

I have been in Tinder and OkC for about 2 years. And talked to so many guys I lost count. I have been to dates too with many different types of guys. Indian. Chinese. European. UK. Iran. African. You name it.. They have had jobs or been jobsless. They have had high school education or PhD.

 

Yeah I probably have told many good and decent guys to **** off because of me not being mentally or emotionally ready.

 

But I have also taken interested in guys. Get to know then. Made friends. I have grown as a person a lot. I have managed to date some for months some only for one date. But in general guys just seem to lose their interest very fast. I have put out and hold sex off. Most common is 2 weeks and 1 date. Getting 2nd date is very difficult.

 

It dont seem to matter if Im nice or bitchy. Open or distant.

 

I have gone out with guys who have been ugly or fat and also good looking dudes with hot bodies.

 

They seem to be always super excited about me for about week or two. Then they lost interest when I start to get more comfortable.

 

This one guy even said he wants to delete tinder but was still planning on dates with others because he wasnt sure about me after 2 dates. Then again when i say straight up i want a relationship that freaks guys out too. So wth.

 

I dont post nudes or half dressed photos. Usually photo of my face and full body pic with totally usual clothes e.g. tshirt and jeans. Getting matches is very easy. Getting digits too. Getting 1st date easy too. Going beyond that seems to be struggle.

[Fruitee]

And yes I have decided to take a break. I always find it funny after going back to tinder seeing same faces there. Those guys who said no to me still hanging there.. i really dont wanna do old anymore..

[salparadise]

But in general guys just seem to lose their interest very fast. I have put out and hold sex off. Most common is 2 weeks and 1 date. Getting 2nd date is very difficult.

 

It dont seem to matter if Im nice or bitchy. Open or distant.

 

They seem to be always super excited about me for about week or two. Then they lost interest when I start to get more comfortable.

 

This one guy even said he wants to delete tinder but was still planning on dates with others because he wasnt sure about me after 2 dates. Then again when i say straight up i want a relationship that freaks guys out too. So wth.

 

Getting matches is very easy. Getting digits too. Getting 1st date easy too. Going beyond that seems to be struggle.

 

Well, if it's easy to get first dates but hard to get a second or third, then it almost surely something you're saying or an attitude you're projecting. Talking relationship or trying to lock'em down on a first or second date would almost certainly be a red flag for most. Just keep it loose and fun for awhile and you'll probably have more success.

 

If you think my thinking is messed up, you should do some reading on human asymmetrical mating strategies and evolutionary psychology. Read some of David Buss' books and articles. Our actual motivations don't need to be apparent to us as long as they result in effective behaviors, and we don't need to desire the result as long as we the behavior that produces the result. It's not nearly as simple as animated movies would lead us to believe.

[LostOne1]

Personally, online dating as a guy was a total waste.

Met a lot of women, but it never really led to anything.

 

I met someone via my cousin who knew a girl that was my type.

 

I felt meeting people through family has been great. They already know the type of person you are, and who else might gel with you.

 

Also, you feel you can trust the person more, as your have a family member vouching for them. It's not a total stranger who you have absolutely no idea about.

[Fruitee]

Well, if it's easy to get first dates but hard to get a second or third, then it almost surely something you're saying or an attitude you're projecting. Talking relationship or trying to lock'em down on a first or second date would almost certainly be a red flag for most. Just keep it loose and fun for awhile and you'll probably have more success.

 

If you think my thinking is messed up, you should do some reading on human asymmetrical mating strategies and evolutionary psychology. Read some of David Buss' books and articles. Our actual motivations don't need to be apparent to us as long as they result in effective behaviors, and we don't need to desire the result as long as we the behavior that produces the result. It's not nearly as simple as animated movies would lead us to believe.

 

If You read my previous message I have been loose and fun and serious and so on. And no difference. I havent said in the 1st date I want a husband or whatever. Just went to meet the guy.

 

It is my attitude or personality thats for sure. But I just dont understand how or what because I have managed to have relationships and friendships for years. So I am not total *******. Just most people dont like me or something rubs them off in wrong way since it is hard to make friends too. It takes long for people to "get" me.

 

Now the situation has gone worse since so many people have families and pool of dateable guys is getting smaller.

 

I tried to talk to some people at school but they dont invite me for coffee and stuff. I send some people messages and they just answer my msg but it leads to nowhere.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I am too complicated and most people have their friends and families already and dont need anyone new in their lives.

 

I need to check that writer then to see if your thinking is really how it is. I dont think so. But if its scientifically proven. Well lets see.

 

And no I dont think life goes like in the movies. Come on. Gimme some benefit of doubt. I am smart. Just socially awkward.

Edited October 1, 2016 by Fruitee