Putting myself out there is so hard. I need to vent

[NVO]

It won't be long until I reach my two year mark of singlehood since my last break-up. I have made progress and developed as a person. I got a volunteer job I really like and finally found a job I absolutely love. My career finally has a lift-off, I like who I am and think I live a very good life with lots of friends and fun activities. There is just one aspect in life I want to be successfull at, but it's so damn hard to get the results I want: dating.

 

Whenever I meet a girl I like, I just can't be me. It takes some time for me to become myself with someone new, it's just the way I am. But at pick-up situations, I just feel like there's no time. It's all about direct communication and I have some trouble with that. But when I get to know the girl I always come off to friendly. Don't get me wrong, it's fine being friends with girls. But it would be nice if I met someone who was interested in me. Sometimes I hate to be the guy that everyone likes, the social guy everybody knows. I have all these social qualities that really get me somewhere in life, but nowhere in dating. Maybe I'm too social, too friendly. Does that make sense?

 

It's not that I don't try. But when I try I feel like I can't make the move. When I do 8 get rejected or start blushing from the beginning and feel embarrassed. So I turned to online dating but no success there either. But I don't want to meet my girl through the internet, I'm done with that. I want to be the guy who can walk up to a girl in real life. I thought putting myself out there was going to make a difference, but I still feel like that shy guy who can come off as socially awkward.

 

Last weekend my family asked about my single status. I hate it when people ask me that question. I also went out for dinner with a group of friends who are paired up. They all want to help me. "NVO, we really need to get you a girlfriend." I don't want help. When they say that it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I sat there thinking: all these people out there who can connect so easily, and here I am trying but not getting anywhere. People tell me I'm such a great catch, but never experienced it. It's like people telling you that your smart but all you get is F's.

 

Last week I met a girl through work and we chatted a bit. She was blushing during our conversation and during the meeting I noticed she was trying to make eye-contact. But it turned out she already has a boyfriend. Just when I finally thought I was able to read some signs of interest, I was wrong. I suck at reading those signals.

 

Change is hard I guess. I will keep getting at it because if I want something, I will get it. But right now I feel like the energy to try is gone. Exhausted maybe.

 

Thanks for reading this rant. Feel better getting this off my chest. I know I shouldn't be such a crybaby but tonight just got the best off me.

[coolheadal]

I've been there too. But your trying to too hard to please yourself. You need direction and you need to change your idea of what you want. If a girl smiles at you smile back. If you want someone let happen. If your not ready then don't try so hard. Internet dating does work for a lot of people who can't just walk-up and ask a stranger out on a date. Not everyone can do that, and those that can do that good luck to them. If you not sure if a girl has boyfriend already always do this "so I guess your boyfriend and you are going to see that movie "blank" if she said no she doesn't have one then you know, if she said yes we're going then you need to move on. I for one is currently looking myself too and it's not easy. Most women don't tell the truth or they cover-up the facts of their current situation. But in the end the truth does come out but it's often too late. Take your time use skype, use what ever resources you have on hand. Internet dating can help ease the pain but if you want to go it the old fashion way and do it in person then go right ahead. Each country is different so where you live might be easier for you than everyone else. Avoid the crazy or mean women they will never make you happy.

[preraph]

Now, blushing is NOT a sign of interest. It's a sign of feeling embarrassed or awkward, which you ought to know. The days of women blushing and feinting is long past, and even when it was a thing back a century ago, it was because the mere hint of sexuality or romance was kind of risque.

 

You are projecting onto the blusher girl because you feel you blushed because you liked someone and got rejected a previous time and it made you feel embarrassed. But she has no reason to feel embarrassed from you just talking to her, so no reason to blush. There are people who never blush. It's more a complexion thing than anything. Some people go red with laughter or sneezing or when they get out in the heat. Please don't go by that.

 

Find out if a women is single BEFORE you ask her out. Or be clever and qualify it during the asking: I want to ask you to see [movie title] with me, but I can't imagine some man hasn't already snapped you up. (laughter)

 

You should let your friends help you. No one knows you better. That's how you meet opposite sex, through mutual friends. It's the best way. But just tell them not to set up any "blind dates," which are embarrassing, but tell them you would be more than happy to be invited as part of a group to something some of their lady friends were also invited to.

[Miss Peach]

I have gotten really comfortable in my skin. I stopped trying to please others by twisting myself into a pretzel. I'm looking for a match. My suspicion is you are going into this with pressure on yourself to get her to like you rather than just being yourself and seeing whether she is good for you.

 

As for signs of interest, for women they are typically subtle such as smiling, touching, hair twirling, Many will mention things like "I've always wanted to do that" or say things like "I have a lot of free time now".

[NJ123]

I have gotten really comfortable in my skin. I stopped trying to please others by twisting myself into a pretzel. I'm looking for a match. My suspicion is you are going into this with pressure on yourself to get her to like you rather than just being yourself and seeing whether she is good for you.

 

As for signs of interest, for women they are typically subtle such as smiling, touching, hair twirling, Many will mention things like "I've always wanted to do that" or say things like "I have a lot of free time now".

 

I'll still never understand why women just do subtle things like that instead of just flat out saying they like the guy & want to go out with them. It's probably led to literally millions of people over the years to not go out with a certain person because the guy likely didn't pick up on their subtle hints & the woman not flat out saying to lets go out sometime. Things would be so much easier if women asked guys out just as much as men ask women out.

[oldshirt]

I'll still never understand why women just do subtle things like that instead of just flat out saying they like the guy & want to go out with them. It's probably led to literally millions of people over the years to not go out with a certain person because the guy likely didn't pick up on their subtle hints & the woman not flat out saying to lets go out sometime. Things would be so much easier if women asked guys out just as much as men ask women out.

 

Male pursuit of females is the natural order. The reason women don't ask out the men is because it would be too easy.

 

Mother Nature doesn't want easy. She only wants the strongest and fittest and those willing and able to work to breed.

 

Mother Nature never intended lazy, timid or easily discouraged males to breed.

[NJ123]

Male pursuit of females is the natural order. The reason women don't ask out the men is because it would be too easy.

 

Mother Nature doesn't want easy. She only wants the strongest and fittest and those willing and able to work to breed.

 

Mother Nature never intended lazy, timid or easily discouraged males to breed.

 

I suppose it's because they don't have to due to them having more options than ever before in history due to online dating apps/social media. So I think we're further away than even before of women ever wanting to approach since they don't have to I guess is what it comes down to.

[oldshirt]

.

 

Find out if a women is single BEFORE you ask her out. .

 

I used to agree with this and ascribed to that practice. However The older and hopefully wiser I get the more I am disagreeing with this.

 

If someone catches your eye and you find her interesting and want to get to know her better, ask her out. Make a legitimate offer.

 

For starters all attractive and desirable women are seeing someone to one degree or another. The thing is you don't know how serious the relationship is or is not. Someone women are simply dating someone as a placeholder to keep her from getting too bored and lonely until something better comes along.

 

And even if she is involved with someone, it's her place to decide if she will accept or decline the offer. It's not your job to preemptively take yourself out of the picture.

 

Even if someone declines your current offer, she may break up some down the road and look you up to see if the offer is still open (don't laugh, I have had exactly that happen to me a number of times)

 

Now I am not talking about flagerently hitting on married or engaged women. But I am saying if you have an interest in someone, make your best offer. It is up to them if they choose to accept the offer or not.

[oldshirt]

 

 

You should let your friends help you. No one knows you better. That's how you meet opposite sex, through mutual friends. It's the best way. But just tell them not to set up any "blind dates," which are embarrassing, but tell them you would be more than happy to be invited as part of a group to something some of their lady friends were also invited to.

 

I do however strongly believe that a person's best chance of getting with a good match is through mutual friends and social circles.

 

Women are actually at quite a bit of risk both emotionally as well as sometimes physically when being approached by someone they don't know.

 

Having a mutual friend or relative that they know and trust suggest someone has a very strong affect on them lowering their shields and giving someone consideration that they otherwise may not have given the time of day.

 

You absolutely should be going out with your friends and meeting people that they can set you up with.

 

IMHO it is one of, if not the best way to meet people.

 

In days of yore, it was actually considered poor form and even offensive and threatening for man to approach a woman without a proper introduction from someone known personally by both.

[LastAcorn99]

I feel that being yourself is important -- not for others, but for yourself. And, i would suggest that you develop a friendship first, and then see if their is mutual attraction that can lead to a meaningful relationship. All the best!

[Miss Peach]

I'll still never understand why women just do subtle things like that instead of just flat out saying they like the guy & want to go out with them. It's probably led to literally millions of people over the years to not go out with a certain person because the guy likely didn't pick up on their subtle hints & the woman not flat out saying to lets go out sometime. Things would be so much easier if women asked guys out just as much as men ask women out.

 

I don't do it because IME if a guy doesn't ask me out, he's not interested enough.

 

Most guys who are attracted to a woman know quickly and the rest of it is figuring out if she checks different boxes where he'll decide if she's casual or relationship quality and how much effort he's willing to put into her to meet his goal.

 

The times I've done it anyway, I tend to wind with guys who think I like them so much they don't have to make any effort. Or they had already disqualified me based on something. Or my price was too high for what category he put me in.

 

If you're attractive, quality, and get out there, it's also not too hard to find dates. I haven't really lost any sleep pinning over these other guys.

 

Male pursuit of females is the natural order. The reason women don't ask out the men is because it would be too easy.

 

Mother Nature doesn't want easy. She only wants the strongest and fittest and those willing and able to work to breed.

 

Mother Nature never intended lazy, timid or easily discouraged males to breed.

 

Exactly

[GemmaUK]

Now, blushing is NOT a sign of interest. It's a sign of feeling embarrassed or awkward, which you ought to know. .

 

Maybe I ought to know too - I still blush when I like a guy!

 

I think you could be trying too hard - yet you say you are very sociable?

Do you extend sociable to women you are interested in?

 

Go with your friends helping - they'll bring friends out.

 

If you are very sociable some women may well think you are a player (especially if you talk to several women in a night out) or that you are sociable because you are loved up - so you are just being friendly.

No way I can no for sure - just a thought.

[oldshirt]

I feel that being yourself is important -- not for others, but for yourself. And, i would suggest that you develop a friendship first, and then see if their is mutual attraction that can lead to a meaningful relationship. All the best!

 

Establishing a friendship first is paving the road to the friend zone with gold bricks.

 

Friendship can actually hamper and impair attraction far more often than it will ever develop it.

 

If you want to date someone and have a romantic/sexual component, then attraction must come first.

[NVO]

Maybe I ought to know too - I still blush when I like a guy!

 

I think you could be trying too hard - yet you say you are very sociable?

Do you extend sociable to women you are interested in?

 

Go with your friends helping - they'll bring friends out.

 

If you are very sociable some women may well think you are a player (especially if you talk to several women in a night out) or that you are sociable because you are loved up - so you are just being friendly.

No way I can no for sure - just a thought.

 

Do I extend sociable to women I'm interested in? That's a good question. I try to, but probably not enough. But I can't help it. If I'm in a group

I'm not the type that is very present. I'm quite introverted in group settings. But with with the girl I mentioned I did and we kept talking, she kept looking over making eye-contact even when I sat behind her and she had to look over her shoulder. And the blushing, oh well. At least I tried.

 

But it's not that I'm bad with women either. I rock a date, I really do. Whenever I'm on a date with a girl they like me instantly. Maybe that's because I know the attraction is there and I can really be myself. When I look back on how my relationships started it just kind of evolved. I never picked a girl up in a club to take her home.

 

Like I said, I feel more comfortable just getting to know someone but mostly that just gives off friendly vibes. I guess I'm not really good at expressing my interest. But it's something that's getting better. Or at least I like to think so.

 

Also I didn't decline my friends help. But it made me feeli pathetic. Don't know why.

Edited October 3, 2016 by NVO

[GemmaUK]

Also I didn't decline my friends help. But it made me feel pathetic. Don't know why.

 

We all do - the good thing is your friends think you are good enough and love you enough - so do not decline.

Tell them to bring someone along to group stuff - and then you - if you like her - make her the one you are a gentleman to. And that means if you do like her you have to take their stick and defend her too! Lol!

If you don't like her enough you won't be drawn - your friends will see that so shouldn't take the mick.

 

No over clingy or friendly, teasing and flirting - just like banter with anyone else.

 

You'll be fine just get the aim of GF off your mind a bit.

[NVO]

We all do - the good thing is your friends think you are good enough and love you enough - so do not decline.

Tell them to bring someone along to group stuff - and then you - if you like her - make her the one you are a gentleman to. And that means if you do like her you have to take their stick and defend her too! Lol!

If you don't like her enough you won't be drawn - your friends will see that so shouldn't take the mick.

 

No over clingy or friendly, teasing and flirting - just like banter with anyone else.

 

You'll be fine just get the aim of GF off your mind a bit.

 

Thanks Gemma. I think you might be right about the last part. But I don't really know how. Somehow it's with me throughout the day. Not very present, but somehow always lingering.

 

I just need to get forward with my life. Finally have a stable job after I my study and before the next year has ended I will (hopefully) have a place of my own. I think I need to really just live on my own and I'm looking forward to it. I need to get out of my parents house.

[lolablue17]

According to what's been written here you don't have a problem of look, and you're a verbal guy who knows how to chat. So, your problem is only with approaching girls + your approach in general, because you're full of panic.

 

I advice you to do 2 things.

 

1. Get a coacher. A coacher will help you to practice in a protected enviroment. You need to get over your fears, and you should do that with a guide.

 

2. Wait with the "I want a gf as a new step in my life". Your big change in your life can wait. Set a new short term goal - "to enjoy the learning process". Take it easy, have fun and do what your coacher tells you to do.

 

The coacher will teach you that girls has sometimes less confidence than you and in a greater panic.

 

One thing I can tell you here - If you feel good at gaining friends, only not the physical\romantic step with new girls, use your advantage. start being friends with any new girl you like. You see? First goal - be nice and make the girls like you as a friend. It's easier for you, right?

 

After being friends for I don't know how much.... two weeks, a month, two month, You will feel comfortable around them, you will also know who is taken and who is not. Believe me, when you try to pick up a girl who is not taken and likes you as new friends, you might get a pretty high success rates.

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

Hold your head high and proud for you are not alone. I do not enjoy online dating and find it hard to put myself out there romantically. My friends encourage me to date, yet I struggle.

 

Life truly isn't easy on anyone and it can become overwhelming at times. Just keep on swimming, swimming, swimming.

 

Best of luck in the future ?.

[NVO]

Thanks to both of you. Very solid advice.