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If the only common interests you have is the job field?


LookAtThisPOst

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LookAtThisPOst

There are some things, I believe, that exist conditions of a situation a relationship would NOT make...and the following is as such.

 

I have a female friend that is in the legal field, not a lawyer though. She said that she's looking for someone in the same field she's in, apparently she has no time for weekend hobbies or activities as she's constantly busy at home or attempting to improve her career by reading self-help books or taking courses on the weekends.

 

She was talking to me recently, and feels that a lot of her friends can't relate to her plight as when they try to get her out of the house to let her hair down, it's like pulling teeth.

 

She claims they just don't "get her", so it's impacting her social life as well, and she finally surmised that the only kind of man she'd be compatible with is of the "Live to work" and not the "work to live" type.

 

She asked for my thoughts on it as she's seeing a guy that travels a lot and hardly available. She told me herself she prefers a man with a lot on his plate than not....which I found a bit odd.

 

I said it doesn't sound like much of a relationship if you're preferring a future beau to be rarely available.

 

Apparently, she thinks work is the only thing she has to have in common with a man, which is also kind of concerning. She's over 50 and is just now trying to be a "mover and shaker", she got a nice, new steady job with the government and I would have done anything for a perm. govt job when I was looking. But apparently, her plan is not to work there until retirement.

 

I gave her my thoughts, since she asked, and I apparently, I am in the same league as how her friends think. lol

 

This was kind of switching gears for her, because a couple of years ago, she didn't think like this and actually enjoyed her time off on the weekends by going out and enjoying a social life. I was like "Where did this all come from?"

 

Do you think someone that can see compatibly in only work related interests isn't relationship material or even a relationship?

 

There are just some conditions where I KNOW a relationship cannot exist, but some people are convinced it CAN. It's kind of like "Have your cake and eat it too, yes?" You can't have it both ways, and I think that'st he problem with dating and relationships these days...people tend to want it all. Yes?

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Sounds like she has found her passion and wants to meet someone with the same passion.

Plus, if she is busy and progressing herself (which it also sounds like) then she won't be compatible with a guy who works 9-5 and is available any time he isn't actually at work.

 

There's nothing wrong with her choice - it's her life and completely her choice.

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Sounds like she has found her passion and wants to meet someone with the same passion.

Plus, if she is busy and progressing herself (which it also sounds like) then she won't be compatible with a guy who works 9-5 and is available any time he isn't actually at work.

 

There's nothing wrong with her choice - it's her life and completely her choice.

 

Agree with you. Sounds me she wants a common interest guy, nothing wrong with that at all.

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Well, it isn't just *work* per se that she'd be having in common with the guy, it is *similar outlook on life*--in her case, being a mover and shaker in their respective professional worlds. Maybe she gets a lot of joy from her career successes and she wants a partner who can relate to her feeling of acing a big project at work, or to her endeavours towards making something big happen in her professional world. Makes sense to me.

 

...

Do you think someone that can see compatibly in only work related interests isn't relationship material or even a relationship?

 

There are just some conditions where I KNOW a relationship cannot exist, but some people are convinced it CAN. It's kind of like "Have your cake and eat it too, yes?" You can't have it both ways, and I think that'st he problem with dating and relationships these days...people tend to want it all. Yes?

 

As pointed out in your threads many times before, it appears that you have this tendency to try to "make wrong" someone whose outlook on life is different from yours. You might do better to see these things less as right or wrong and more as different strokes for different folks.

 

To answer this question, your friend's perspective isn't for everyone, which is fine--she just needs to find ONE person whom she clicks with. She (and her partner) will have to find a way to make time to actually see each other. But she probably can see that for herself already.

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Well, it isn't just *work* per se that she'd be having in common with the guy, it is *similar outlook on life*--in her case, being a mover and shaker in their respective professional worlds.

 

 

 

As pointed out in your threads many times before, it appears that you have this tendency to try to "make wrong" someone whose outlook on life is different from yours. You might do better to see these things less as right or wrong and more as different strokes for different folks.

 

To answer this question, your friend's perspective isn't for everyone, which is fine--she just needs to find ONE person whom she clicks with. She (and her partner) will have to find a way to make time to actually see each other. But she probably can see that for herself already.

 

Well, it's more like she's only willing to spend time with people, only when it's convenient to her now. This includes friends or dating apparently and I cannot really see how she's busy as I know she has a lot of spare time based on our conversations. She never leaves the house unless it's to walk the dog or run errands. She's even blown off guys with these excuses.

 

I have a male friend that's the same way. He sleeps till almost noon, doesn't socialize as much as he used to, says he has too many "home projects" to get done, but he never gets them done....been to his house, it's like a hoarders house. His bathroom tile work wasn't even complete and there's an exposed area of the wall that's been that way for months.

 

He came forth though, saying he lacks energy and was really using his weekends off and home projects as an excuse for not getting out. He does online dating, but never really meets with them, just pen-pals with them...

 

(Hm, this explains the whole pen-paling only thing I guess?lol)

 

Personally, I think they've just reached a rut in their lives and are currently floundering.

 

being a mover and shaker in their respective professional worlds.

 

 

I hardly picture as a move and shaker, that's my point...all of a sudden she gets a wild hair at 50+...she has a new, steady job. She's not marketable due to, I hate to say it....age.

 

She really should be preparing for retirement moreso than anything.

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Neither of these people have to want to date, nor do they have to date the way you think is best.

 

There's also no need to personally berate her for what she is doing, sounds like you also have a problem with her hair Op. Why?

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There's also no need to personally berate her for what she is doing, sounds like you also have a problem with her hair Op. Why?

 

 

The wild hair? :lmao:

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It sounds like she's looking for a guy with a similar lifestyle, which is fine. But it also sounds like she's limiting herself by specifying that he also has to work in law, which is totally trivial. There are plenty of other jobs that are in that arena. It's like saying, "I want a guy who's a football player" and turning down a guy who's a basketball player rather than just saying "I want an athlete." It's unnecessarily specific and I think she's overcomplicating her search. Common "interests" like this are for the most part, totally trivial if your lifestyle, morals, goals, attitudes, etc all match up.

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People get married to their jobs for a couple of reasons. The healthiest of the reasons is they love what they do and so that is their life. I had that at one time, and it's great if you can manage to get paid for what you love to do.

 

But some people become workaholics or are like sharks that never stop feeding because maybe they don't want to have any time for introspection due to something unpleasant from their childhood or past. I have a friend like that. She exhausts me just talking to her because she is always on the go and never just relaxes, but I know why, so I'm not surprised. She doesn't like to think too much.

 

I've also known men who work too many hours for no other reason than to avoid going home and dealing with their domestic life.

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People get married to their jobs for a couple of reasons. The healthiest of the reasons is they love what they do and so that is their life. I had that at one time, and it's great if you can manage to get paid for what you love to do.

 

But some people become workaholics or are like sharks that never stop feeding because maybe they don't want to have any time for introspection due to something unpleasant from their childhood or past. I have a friend like that. She exhausts me just talking to her because she is always on the go and never just relaxes, but I know why, so I'm not surprised. She doesn't like to think too much.

 

I've also known men who work too many hours for no other reason than to avoid going home and dealing with their domestic life.

 

Or some who work because they have nothing else in life but work.

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Or some who work because they have nothing else in life but work.

 

Right, she doesn't have any hobbies nor any kind of extracurricular activities. I recall seeing on a dating profile a woman stating these as one of their dealbreakers.

 

"Those who say they want to date but are not willing to take or make the time."

 

I see a lot of single people doing this and make them quite unlikely to be relationship material...but those that make this statement actually feel that they are. But that's perspective for you.

 

It's like those dating profiles I keep seeing that say something like that, "I work full time, busy with work, friends, and hobbies/activities....so you have to understand I'm not available all the time."

 

I'm thinking, if they have such a big social life and going out and doing hobbies and activities with others, how come she's not dating them men at those venues?

 

This is an indicator of them not being relationship material. Sends out a red flag.

 

When I see a person contradicting themselves when it comes to their dating methods, it's a sign to turn tail and pretty much figure out they have no business being in a relationship.

 

I saw this come up on my FB feed lately. about "Dating in 2016" talk about spot on! That describes a lot of the people I run into. lol

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Right, she doesn't have any hobbies nor any kind of extracurricular activities. I recall seeing on a dating profile a woman stating these as one of their dealbreakers.

 

"Those who say they want to date but are not willing to take or make the time."

 

I see a lot of single people doing this and make them quite unlikely to be relationship material...but those that make this statement actually feel that they are. But that's perspective for you.

 

It's like those dating profiles I keep seeing that say something like that, "I work full time, busy with work, friends, and hobbies/activities....so you have to understand I'm not available all the time."

 

I'm thinking, if they have such a big social life and going out and doing hobbies and activities with others, how come she's not dating them men at those venues?

 

This is an indicator of them not being relationship material. Sends out a red flag.

 

When I see a person contradicting themselves when it comes to their dating methods, it's a sign to turn tail and pretty much figure out they have no business being in a relationship.

 

I saw this come up on my FB feed lately. about "Dating in 2016" talk about spot on! That describes a lot of the people I run into. lol

 

Agreed with a lot you mention above. I can identify though because I pretty much try fill each day with work in order to get away from the hurt and awkwardness of being single. Its a bit like using wall paper to cover over a giant hole though.

 

I think you will find your friend has similar reason for doing so. I have other interests and I am sure she does too but chances are they aren't mainstream ones.

 

For years people used to "she is hot ask her out" My standard reply "I am busy with work", I did it because I don't know how to ask or make conversation with someone.

 

In short its a coping mechanism.

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It's great when one of your passions is work and so is your partners as it makes for learning about their job, understanding it when things are tough and it just opens up a whole interesting avenue for talking about.

I have found a few dates/brief relationships really tough on actually having a chat about his work where for him it's 9-5, pays bills and he is uninterested in what he does.

I just can't comprehend someone who spends that much time somewhere every day and doesn't even enjoy it.

 

Right, she doesn't have any hobbies nor any kind of extracurricular activities.

Actually in your opening post, the lady you are questioning does have hobbies which you've posted about - it just happens that they're solo hobbies.

 

It's like those dating profiles I keep seeing that say something like that, "I work full time, busy with work, friends, and hobbies/activities....so you have to understand I'm not available all the time."

I can totally understand the reason behind writing this - so so so many men in their 40's/50's (my dating range) from OLD seem to think that a woman should have every moment of their time devoted to him - so the moment they wake up - all day to the moment they fall asleep the woman should be available to him. There is 'some' leeway for when she is working but the guy is right back the second he thinks she has finished work. It's exhausting! I've ended up realising I've spent most of my day in messages saying I am doing 'xyz' and am not free right at the moment.

Or something like 'yeah, I did tell you that I would be on a training course/out with friends/seeing family or whatever and for you to expect not to hear from me until 'x' time.'

 

 

II'm thinking, if they have such a big social life and going out and doing hobbies and activities with others, how come she's not dating them men at those venues?

This one is easy, she isn't attracted to them.

 

 

IThis is an indicator of them not being relationship material. Sends out a red flag.

 

When I see a person contradicting themselves when it comes to their dating methods, it's a sign to turn tail and pretty much figure out they have no business being in a relationship.

I'd say if you are thinking this then your best bet is to move on and look elsewhere.

 

Just one other thought I've had but the lady in question from your opening post - was she someone you were seeing as a potential date?

Only, on occasions where I have had a 'friend' who it was clear to me was after more than that from me but never got the hint I wasn't interested - well I've ended up just saying things like 'I only date men who are 5ft 4in tall' or 'I only date English teachers' just knowing those are things they weren't just to get rid of them.

Perhaps she was doing the same to you?

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It's great when one of your passions is work and so is your partners as it makes for learning about their job, understanding it when things are tough and it just opens up a whole interesting avenue for talking about.

I have found a few dates/brief relationships really tough on actually having a chat about his work where for him it's 9-5, pays bills and he is uninterested in what he does.[//quote]

 

Well, it's more of a "I can take it or leave it, it's...you know...a job." They enjoy, but aren't miserable either, but...usually it doesn't spill over into their relationship. They may say what they do, "I'm a accountant" or "Mechanic" but if it's the person your dating has a completely diff. profession, chances are telling her about what you do...other than the basics...is quite uninteresting.

 

Most people would agree on this. Unless let's say they work as a celebrity chef, then that's interesting...but that's an exception.

 

Most people don't like to talk about their jobs to their jobs, unless it's a "How was your day at work, hon?" Kind of conversation. Typical dinner talk really.

 

 

I just can't comprehend someone who spends that much time somewhere every day and doesn't even enjoy it.

 

Hey, that TGIF acronym didn't spread around the world for nothing. LOL. Chances are they enjoy their weekends more than they enjoy their jobs, but they don't let their jobs consume them.

 

They look forward to that boating or BBQ event with friends.

 

Who says that they don't enjoy it though? But you shouldn't let it consume you.

 

She told me a while back, her previous boyfriend had a problem with her working overtime every day of the week. Apparently, she wants a guy that's okay with this...to me, that's not a relationship.

 

There are just certain things that a relationship doesn't make, so it's like trying to cram everything into one space.

 

 

Actually in your opening post, the lady you are questioning does have hobbies which you've posted about - it just happens that they're solo hobbies.

 

I said she has no time for weekend hobbies. One would ascertain that she has none.

 

She actually used to live near where I live, grew up there most of her life until she left the small town for college. There were some particular outdoor venues that I was surprised she never visited. It was a popular tubing run that I was surprised she never had done. Even where she lives, she hasn't tried much of anything.

 

She has been kind of dismayed lately, and I am thinking there's more to the story as I know she has not been happy lately.

 

I can totally understand the reason behind writing this - so so so many men in their 40's/50's (my dating range) from OLD seem to think that a woman should have every moment of their time devoted to him - so the moment they wake up - all day to the moment they fall asleep the woman should be available to him. There is 'some' leeway for when she is working but the guy is right back the second he thinks she has finished work. It's exhausting! I've ended up realising I've spent most of my day in messages saying I am doing 'xyz' and am not free right at the moment.

Or something like 'yeah, I did tell you that I would be on a training course/out with friends/seeing family or whatever and for you to expect not to hear from me until 'x' time.'

 

Okay, let's kind of ease up on the reins here, you're talking in extremes. But if you think about it, it's just a perception.

 

What one may think is a lot, others may think it's normal.

 

I have another female friend says she would prefer to see the guy at least more than once a week. The woman I'm speaking of, when men attempt to schedule a date within' the same week, it's quite off-putting.

 

This behavior pretty much explains why she's over 50 and never been married. So when people look at her strangely, and say, "You're so pretty and smart, how on EARTH have you never been married?!"

 

She gets that a lot, well, now you know why.

 

I knew a woman like this, was the last sibling and great aunt in her 40s, living alone, never married and previously engaged. Apparently, her fiance' was stopping by her home, just dropping by WAY too much for her tastes.

 

She had a routine of hanging out with her friends every weekend after their trail rides. Her b/f, fiance' would her to skip one of those weekends so they could do something together...again, it was a problem.

 

He wasn't demanding it, but I know normal couples tend to taper off their hobbies/activities for their partners. It happens tons in my circles. It's normal. They get married, then you only see them during holiday parties, but that's it.

 

Not saying they are joined at the hip like you suggest, but there's a "certain extent" to what's what? Perception.

 

She thought him stopping by was too much, and I'm like, 'Um, you're about to get MARRIED, you'll be under the same roof! lol"

 

She did blame herself though, and said she'd try to be willing to accommodate, but she wound up with a FWB situation with one of her non-committal riding partners.

 

She admits that it was her selfishness and having been so accustomed to living alone that scared her away.

 

 

This one is easy, she isn't attracted to them.

 

Well, I'm sure a good-looking strapping guy came along eventually. lol

 

I'd say if you are thinking this then your best bet is to move on and look elsewhere.

 

Just one other thought I've had but the lady in question from your opening post - was she someone you were seeing as a potential date?

Only, on occasions where I have had a 'friend' who it was clear to me was after more than that from me but never got the hint I wasn't interested - well I've ended up just saying things like 'I only date men who are 5ft 4in tall' or 'I only date English teachers' just knowing those are things they weren't just to get rid of them.

Perhaps she was doing the same to you?

 

We went out on 3 dates actually, but when she offered up her friendship at the end of the third, I turned it down. She expressed later this hurt her feelings...I made an exception and we became close friends...so we talk about our dating lives here and there. Trying to figure out the dating world ourselves.

 

She would give me advice on my challenges in dating and sometimes when she talks about dating, I tend to catch certain things regarding her method that seem a little off the traditional dating scene. I point it out asking her, "Why do you do that?" For instance, the whole thing about her limiting her dating frequency to only once a week, even though the guy suggested dinner a few days later that week.

 

When I first met her, she was all for talking about gathering up friends and going out dancing and such, but never acted upon it. She was kind of all talk about socializing, but now...she's changed and like I mention got this bee in her bonnet about "keeping busy", likely for what ZA Dater said...to keep her mind off a non-existent social life.

 

She was a member of Meetup, attempted a social life, but seems that she is floundering and using work as an excuse not to be sociable.

 

She would sometimes drive by my house to see her dad, she would stop by and we'd hang out and such, as friends of course. But lately, when I hear that she was at her dad's, but didn't call to stop by, I knew that she lost interest in even hanging out as friends.

 

I think the part that hurt most, is when she had a birthday recently...and her female friend had called her up to go dancing. I was like 'Woah, it's your birthday?! I thought a couple of months ago you already had one? Yes?"

 

She said, "Well, I think I purposely said that because I didn't want people to know it was coming up." (I am just paraphrasing)

 

But she was playing it off like she didn't want me to know, but yet her friends knew. That kind of hurt. We are still friends, and she still calls on occasion...and we talk for hours, but when on the phone, I mention getting together, she's always got something going on. This has been happening recently.

 

I kind of moved on to another social circle, though, GemmaUK...should I even let this friendship go...or just let her do the calling.

 

I'm not saying I can't be friends with her, I was actually okay with it, but it seems eventually...even after being friends with a woman for a time, it turns out they cannot handle being friends with the guy when some kind of event or moment comes up.

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...I just wanted to add, I don't this is just me she's doing this to, because she's told me her other friends have been complaining about her behavior the past year. It's as if she doesn't know what she wants.

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It's great when one of your passions is work and so is your partners as it makes for learning about their job, understanding it when things are tough and it just opens up a whole interesting avenue for talking about.

I have found a few dates/brief relationships really tough on actually having a chat about his work where for him it's 9-5, pays bills and he is uninterested in what he does.[//quote]

 

Well, it's more of a "I can take it or leave it, it's...you know...a job." They enjoy, but aren't miserable either, but...usually it doesn't spill over into their relationship. They may say what they do, "I'm a accountant" or "Mechanic" but if it's the person your dating has a completely diff. profession, chances are telling her about what you do...other than the basics...is quite uninteresting.

 

Most people would agree on this. Unless let's say they work as a celebrity chef, then that's interesting...but that's an exception.

 

Most people don't like to talk about their jobs to their jobs, unless it's a "How was your day at work, hon?" Kind of conversation. Typical dinner talk really.

 

 

 

 

Hey, that TGIF acronym didn't spread around the world for nothing. LOL. Chances are they enjoy their weekends more than they enjoy their jobs, but they don't let their jobs consume them.

 

They look forward to that boating or BBQ event with friends.

 

Who says that they don't enjoy it though? But you shouldn't let it consume you.

 

She told me a while back, her previous boyfriend had a problem with her working overtime every day of the week. Apparently, she wants a guy that's okay with this...to me, that's not a relationship.

 

There are just certain things that a relationship doesn't make, so it's like trying to cram everything into one space.

 

 

 

 

I said she has no time for weekend hobbies. One would ascertain that she has none.

 

She actually used to live near where I live, grew up there most of her life until she left the small town for college. There were some particular outdoor venues that I was surprised she never visited. It was a popular tubing run that I was surprised she never had done. Even where she lives, she hasn't tried much of anything.

 

She has been kind of dismayed lately, and I am thinking there's more to the story as I know she has not been happy lately.

 

 

 

Okay, let's kind of ease up on the reins here, you're talking in extremes. But if you think about it, it's just a perception.

 

What one may think is a lot, others may think it's normal.

 

I have another female friend says she would prefer to see the guy at least more than once a week. The woman I'm speaking of, when men attempt to schedule a date within' the same week, it's quite off-putting.

 

This behavior pretty much explains why she's over 50 and never been married. So when people look at her strangely, and say, "You're so pretty and smart, how on EARTH have you never been married?!"

 

She gets that a lot, well, now you know why.

 

I knew a woman like this, was the last sibling and great aunt in her 40s, living alone, never married and previously engaged. Apparently, her fiance' was stopping by her home, just dropping by WAY too much for her tastes.

 

She had a routine of hanging out with her friends every weekend after their trail rides. Her b/f, fiance' would her to skip one of those weekends so they could do something together...again, it was a problem.

 

He wasn't demanding it, but I know normal couples tend to taper off their hobbies/activities for their partners. It happens tons in my circles. It's normal. They get married, then you only see them during holiday parties, but that's it.

 

Not saying they are joined at the hip like you suggest, but there's a "certain extent" to what's what? Perception.

 

She thought him stopping by was too much, and I'm like, 'Um, you're about to get MARRIED, you'll be under the same roof! lol"

 

She did blame herself though, and said she'd try to be willing to accommodate, but she wound up with a FWB situation with one of her non-committal riding partners.

 

She admits that it was her selfishness and having been so accustomed to living alone that scared her away.

 

 

 

 

Well, I'm sure a good-looking strapping guy came along eventually. lol

 

 

 

We went out on 3 dates actually, but when she offered up her friendship at the end of the third, I turned it down. She expressed later this hurt her feelings...I made an exception and we became close friends...so we talk about our dating lives here and there. Trying to figure out the dating world ourselves.

 

She would give me advice on my challenges in dating and sometimes when she talks about dating, I tend to catch certain things regarding her method that seem a little off the traditional dating scene. I point it out asking her, "Why do you do that?" For instance, the whole thing about her limiting her dating frequency to only once a week, even though the guy suggested dinner a few days later that week.

 

When I first met her, she was all for talking about gathering up friends and going out dancing and such, but never acted upon it. She was kind of all talk about socializing, but now...she's changed and like I mention got this bee in her bonnet about "keeping busy", likely for what ZA Dater said...to keep her mind off a non-existent social life.

 

She was a member of Meetup, attempted a social life, but seems that she is floundering and using work as an excuse not to be sociable.

 

She would sometimes drive by my house to see her dad, she would stop by and we'd hang out and such, as friends of course. But lately, when I hear that she was at her dad's, but didn't call to stop by, I knew that she lost interest in even hanging out as friends.

 

I think the part that hurt most, is when she had a birthday recently...and her female friend had called her up to go dancing. I was like 'Woah, it's your birthday?! I thought a couple of months ago you already had one? Yes?"

 

She said, "Well, I think I purposely said that because I didn't want people to know it was coming up." (I am just paraphrasing)

 

But she was playing it off like she didn't want me to know, but yet her friends knew. That kind of hurt. We are still friends, and she still calls on occasion...and we talk for hours, but when on the phone, I mention getting together, she's always got something going on. This has been happening recently.

 

I kind of moved on to another social circle, though, GemmaUK...should I even let this friendship go...or just let her do the calling.

 

I'm not saying I can't be friends with her, I was actually okay with it, but it seems eventually...even after being friends with a woman for a time, it turns out they cannot handle being friends with the guy when some kind of event or moment comes up.

 

I get her. Based on your posts she in some ways sounds like a mirror image of me. What you need to understand is you are dealing with someone who has never had a decent degree of dating success so its much easier for her to turn to work, she pretends to want to date to merely pander to what people think she should be doing.

 

 

My guess is deep down you will find a person who is incredibly shy and lonely and simply tries to hide that with work and pushing people away because she knows its a charade and one she cant keep up when around people for extended amounts of time. Chances are she really feels down a lot of the time.

 

 

The birthday thing is tell tale for me, I never want a fuss on my birthday and do much the same as she did, my reasoning is I find my birthday a really sad day because I reflect on the year past and I don't really have any of the things I wanted in terms of people. She may feel the same.

 

 

Trust me on this, if you like her, get to know her well because hidden underneath that work charade may well be a really quality person who has suffered disappointment which turned her into an apparent workaholic. I'd guess she spends most of her time on her own.

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I get her. Based on your posts she in some ways sounds like a mirror image of me. What you need to understand is you are dealing with someone who has never had a decent degree of dating success so its much easier for her to turn to work, she pretends to want to date to merely pander to what people think she should be doing.

 

 

My guess is deep down you will find a person who is incredibly shy and lonely and simply tries to hide that with work and pushing people away because she knows its a charade and one she cant keep up when around people for extended amounts of time. Chances are she really feels down a lot of the time.

 

 

The birthday thing is tell tale for me, I never want a fuss on my birthday and do much the same as she did, my reasoning is I find my birthday a really sad day because I reflect on the year past and I don't really have any of the things I wanted in terms of people. She may feel the same.

 

 

Trust me on this, if you like her, get to know her well because hidden underneath that work charade may well be a really quality person who has suffered disappointment which turned her into an apparent workaholic. I'd guess she spends most of her time on her own.

 

I hear ya man, but then there are some people that kind of get off on telling people how busy they are.

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Well, it's more of a "I can take it or leave it, it's...you know...a job." They enjoy, but aren't miserable either, but...usually it doesn't spill over into their relationship. They may say what they do, "I'm a accountant" or "Mechanic" but if it's the person your dating has a completely diff. profession, chances are telling her about what you do...other than the basics...is quite uninteresting.

Maybe it has just been me and partners I have dated long term but it would seem odd to me if they told me the basics of what they do and it was never padded out in detail. I would find the basics pretty uninteresting. The devil is in the detail.

It would feel like one whole big part of their life was an unknown to me - and you're actually suggesting here that it's better that you have the same or similar professions - just like the lady you're putting down for choosing just that.

 

Most people would agree on this. Unless let's say they work as a celebrity chef, then that's interesting...but that's an exception.

I'm not most people, I would find dating someone working in the legal world way more interesting than either than that.

 

Most people don't like to talk about their jobs to their jobs, unless it's a "How was your day at work, hon?" Kind of conversation. Typical dinner talk really.
What I have found is most people do like to talk to their partner about their jobs actually.

I even have and have had conversations about my friend's partner's work!

 

 

She told me a while back, her previous boyfriend had a problem with her working overtime every day of the week. Apparently, she wants a guy that's okay with this...to me, that's not a relationship.

So she is just not for you, you require someone who does the same hours as you and more in the way of free time.

This is just a personal opinion of yours for your own relationships.

It doesn't mean she should quit dating if she wants to date but you seem to think she should from what you've posted.

Loads of people work overtime and fit in with each other's schedules so it's not a 'non' relationship to those other people.

 

I said she has no time for weekend hobbies. One would ascertain that she has none.

You said she reads a lot - that is a hobby. Actually, you say she is working in the legal world and it's a pretty recent shift - I suspect she is reading up on body language and the like - how to read people - it's be useful for her job and as well as that it's fascinating stuff!

 

 

She actually used to live near where I live, grew up there most of her life until she left the small town for college. There were some particular outdoor venues that I was surprised she never visited. It was a popular tubing run that I was surprised she never had done. Even where she lives, she hasn't tried much of anything.

Maybe that type of activity is just not her thing.

 

She has been kind of dismayed lately, and I am thinking there's more to the story as I know she has not been happy lately.
Maybe her reading up has made her thik about who her true friends really are.

 

Okay, let's kind of ease up on the reins here, you're talking in extremes. But if you think about it, it's just a perception.
It's not a perception - it's my experience.

When on OLD I avoid all of the profiles saying they put 110% into a relationship and want to be with that person 24/7 - and honestly there are tonnes of profiles from men my age range saying just that.

Trouble is some don't say that but that is their expectation of a relationship - this is something you can only discover by meeting/dating them.

 

As for the lady in your OP then it sounds like she is distancing herself from you and a few others - maybe finding out who her true friends are.

Sorry OP but you do seem to have a habit of telling people they are wrong for their own dating choices or life choices so maybe she has had enough of being told she is wrong? You display this attitude all the time on here so I suspect it does rub off in your daily life too.

Plus, from your response to ZA's post it actually sounds like you dislike her and think she is 'getting off on' saying she is busy.

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When on OLD I avoid all of the profiles saying they put 110% into a relationship

 

I'm sure you're taking that too literally as it's just an attempt to demonstrate he's willing to put effort into a relationship. Chances are you're taking it out of context if you're avoiding such a statement.

 

The 24/7 part, I get...if they actually mean what they say literally...but, I'm sure it's they way it's being exaggerated.

 

Perhaps if you would let them explain themselves in regards to that if they meant it literally or not, but...you avoid them completely, so you don't even attempt to hear them out.

 

I mean if there are tonnes of men saying this, chances are they relationship seek is a normal one.

 

Sorry that I didn't address the entire post, but this one rather stood out as my first gut reaction to the 100% effort...I would think that to be an admirable/attractive quality in a person.

 

My first thoughts, "Gee, wow, a man/woman that puts in an effort into a relationship, good for them!"

 

Plus, from your response to ZA's post it actually sounds like you dislike her and think she is 'getting off on' saying she is busy.

 

Again, you're taking it out of context. Completely untrue about disliking her, I was speaking to ZA about other people in general, not her specifically. When I say "getting off", I don't mean her specifically. I'm actually responding to how he kind of mirrors her in a sense as there's things going on her her life that are causing her to change in the past couple of years.

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I'm sure you're taking that too literally as it's just an attempt to demonstrate he's willing to put effort into a relationship. Chances are you're taking it out of context if you're avoiding such a statement.

 

The 24/7 part, I get...if they actually mean what they say literally...but, I'm sure it's they way it's being exaggerated.

 

Perhaps if you would let them explain themselves in regards to that if they meant it literally or not, but...you avoid them completely, so you don't even attempt to hear them out.

 

I mean if there are tonnes of men saying this, chances are they relationship seek is a normal one.

 

Sorry that I didn't address the entire post, but this one rather stood out as my first gut reaction to the 100% effort...I would think that to be an admirable/attractive quality in a person.

 

My first thoughts, "Gee, wow, a man/woman that puts in an effort into a relationship, good for them!"

 

Again, you're taking it out of context. Completely untrue about disliking her, I was speaking to ZA about other people in general, not her specifically. When I say "getting off", I don't mean her specifically. I'm actually responding to how he kind of mirrors her in a sense as there's things going on her her life that are causing her to change in the past couple of years.

 

Actually I now avoid them as I have asked those who post that kind of thing in the past and their expectations have been exactly that.

One guy I dated took it beyond extreme (he already wanted contact consistently from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep - just like several other men I have dated from OLD) and told me I should quit my job to spend more time with him - he wasn't offering to pay my mortgage or anything, we had only been dating for about 3 or 4 months and yep, he was serious! Ridiculous!

BTW he wasn't one who said in his profile that he was looking for 110% nor 24/7 but he did actually contact me all except 5 and a half hours per day every day.

 

It really is plain to see though why your friend has distanced herself from you in particular. You have told me enough times now that my experiences are 'wrong' - I have little doubt you do the same with your friend too.

Just give it a go cutting back on doing that and you might well find you get your friend back. Try to be a little more open minded OP, live and let live.

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It really is plain to see though why your friend has distanced herself from you in particular. You have told me enough times now that my experiences are 'wrong' - I have little doubt you do the same with your friend too.

Just give it a go cutting back on doing that and you might well find you get your friend back. Try to be a little more open minded OP, live and let live.

 

Actually, this was our first disagreement ever, and thus the post.

 

Me and her have actually spent majority of our friendship speaking of how we both have much in common with the rest of our more liberal friends.

 

Otherwise, discussions are in alignment. I'm just saying, she's not acting her usual self and this is not what she usually believes.

 

But yeah, I may have to distance myself for now at least, until she comes around full circle. She still calls on occasion.

 

I think she's dealing with more going on in her life with her father that's getting older now, and she's having to deal with that. Nothing to do with what I said and she's becoming more withdrawn actually due to dealing with her father's health issues.

 

And she was asking my thoughts, so I gave it to her.

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Actually I now avoid them as I have asked those who post that kind of thing in the past and their expectations have been exactly that.

One guy I dated took it beyond extreme (he already wanted contact consistently from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep - just like several other men I have dated from OLD) and told me I should quit my job to spend more time with him - he wasn't offering to pay my mortgage or anything, we had only been dating for about 3 or 4 months and yep, he was serious! Ridiculous!

BTW he wasn't one who said in his profile that he was looking for 110% nor 24/7 but he did actually contact me all except 5 and a half hours per day every day.

 

Well, sadly I know women that think more than one date a week with the same man is too much. So we got opposite ends of the spectrum here. Have to hear everyone out on a case-by-case basis.

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Actually, this was our first disagreement ever, and thus the post.

 

Me and her have actually spent majority of our friendship speaking of how we both have much in common with the rest of our more liberal friends.

 

Otherwise, discussions are in alignment. I'm just saying, she's not acting her usual self and this is not what she usually believes.

 

But yeah, I may have to distance myself for now at least, until she comes around full circle. She still calls on occasion.

 

I think she's dealing with more going on in her life with her father that's getting older now, and she's having to deal with that. Nothing to do with what I said and she's becoming more withdrawn actually due to dealing with her father's health issues.

 

And she was asking my thoughts, so I gave it to her.

 

I'm really sad to hear this LATP - both for your friendship and for what's she's dealing with with her Dad. :(

 

Not so much with my Mum but when my Dad was sick I would organise things to do much less for fear of having to back out as I was 'on call' if he needed me. I have actually never learned to drive because when I could afford it and took up lessons I missed so many and still had to pay for them that it was just impossible because Dad needed me. He was ill for years too, it wasn't a flash in the pan thing. He was in and out of hospital all the time.

 

I think she is also aware that she is going to have more time consuming ties coming up so she has recognised that and knows that a man who is free from 5pm won't be the guy who understands that and is cool to occupy himself while she has other things she needs to attend to.

She is trying to find someone who has a busy life so that he isn't phased by her time without him. She is trying to be fair - and I admire that in her to be honest.

 

Try listening a bit more instead of attempting to solve problems or calling her out on her dating choices and you may well find she comes back.

She is going to need support and often listening is the one thing that really is supportive.

A person who doesn't try to solve a problem is more likely to be asked for help when it's needed simply because there's no arguing over the how and the why and the what happened the last time - you can just get the help needed right there and then. This can be physical help or just help to get things off her chest emotionally.

 

I wish you luck with this friendship as I think it means a lot to you - but she hasn't yet totally gone so you have the opportunity to turn it around if you are willing to try.

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