No luck finding a boyfriend

[CoffeeChick]

I'm single and not had sex for 3 years. I've tried dates but they've went horribly wrong all the time and I can never be myself in dating. Everyone keeps saying I will meet someone when I least expect it, but I know you do have to make some sort of effort, like go to a party to meet friends of friends (which I haven't done for a long time), date obviously, pick up a hobby etc. But I've done these things and haven't met anyone I click with. I haven't been attracted to anyone at work and my few male friends are all in relationships. I'm tired of being told to enjoy single life, I've been single for a long time and it does get lonely, especially with not having intimacy. Casual is too empty when the person has no feelings for you, and even if I'm sometimes lonely enough to want to do it, I can't sleep with someone who would have someone else the next time.

 

It's an awful cycle. I put myself out there, I don't succeed, burn myself out, leave it, feel lonely, and it starts again. I just wonder what I can do differently. I don't want to meet someone and immediately know they are the one. But just to really get on with another person and feel comfortable enough to get close to them. I've not really been looking for love for a long time but it's never happened to me, and now the loneliness is hitting me.

[Satu]

It's easy to feel discouraged when things don't go the way you'd like them to. We've all been there.

 

You might want to look at how you socialise.

 

Expand your social circle, go to new places, make new friends, do new things.

 

I met one of my lovers at an astronomical observatory, and another at a violin group.

 

I married someone I bumped into on the street, completely randomly.

 

You can never know when those lines are going to intersect.

 

But you have to believe that they will.

 

Keep an open mind.

 

 

Take care.

[Nowty V]

You have a good moral compass, and an awesome field of work.

 

Where you live appears to lack compatible males.

 

Are you certain an appropriate Man is what's lacking?

 

Science as a field can give one a singular perspective.

[angel.eyes]

Are you friendly and approachable? Are you comfortable being a little flirty?

 

Sure, you can put yourself out there and keep a busy social calendar, but as you've discovered, that doesn't mean guys will approach you.

 

Do you smile easily? if you're unapproachable guys who might be interested are not going to take a risk and reach out to you in a social setting. What are you doing to encourage them?

[Satu]

Yes. If you like someone, make it visible.

[CoffeeChick]

You have a good moral compass, and an awesome field of work.

 

Where you live appears to lack compatible males.

 

Are you certain an appropriate Man is what's lacking?

 

Science as a field can give one a singular perspective.

 

I'm not quite understanding what you're saying. What perspective are you referring to, and what do you think would be better?

[grays]

If it helps any, my approach seems to be the exact opposite of yours and I seem to be having no luck in actually finding a true partner.

 

I will say tho, I've dated so many guys, and truthfully slept w a ton of them, that a day doesn't go by that someone who I like doesn't contact me. While none of these are a good fit in terms of a LTR, all of them are people I care about and enjoy being with. And even if I'm spending some nights alone and have lonely moments, I have enough sweet moments to get me through.

 

So I dunno if one approach is more likely to get good results. I'm probably meeting way more people, but I'm not sure that the way I'm going about it is conducive to starting a real relationship.

[CoffeeChick]

Are you friendly and approachable? Are you comfortable being a little flirty?

 

Sure, you can put yourself out there and keep a busy social calendar, but as you've discovered, that doesn't mean guys will approach you.

 

Do you smile easily? if you're unapproachable guys who might be interested are not going to take a risk and reach out to you in a social setting. What are you doing to encourage them?

 

I'm not a naturally flirty type, but I'm very friendly and if I really like someone I will try to flirt. I do have a lot of trouble with eye contact however, just tend to sneak glances if I see someone I find attractive. Approaching a guy, I wouldn't have a clue what to say or if I'd just come across as weird.

[CoffeeChick]

If it helps any, my approach seems to be the exact opposite of yours and I seem to be having no luck in actually finding a true partner.

 

I will say tho, I've dated so many guys, and truthfully slept w a ton of them, that a day doesn't go by that someone who I like doesn't contact me. While none of these are a good fit in terms of a LTR, all of them are people I care about and enjoy being with. And even if I'm spending some nights alone and have lonely moments, I have enough sweet moments to get me through.

 

So I dunno if one approach is more likely to get good results. I'm probably meeting way more people, but I'm not sure that the way I'm going about it is conducive to starting a real relationship.

 

Sounds like you are going about it very differently. As hopelessly romantic as it may sound, I don't think I can have sex with someone just as a one night stand, and then know that they've moved onto someone else straight after. I'm pretty health conscious too so don't want to take risks. But then that way I don't get those sweet moments. Not having sex for 3 years never mind 3 months is a long time to abstain. Part of me craves someone desperately but at the same time, I don't know how to get close to another again. Argh it's a genuine dilemma.

[Nowty V]

What are you doing to encourage them?

 

Do women have to do things to encourage them?

 

Usually they are beating them off with a stick, or maybe that's just this town lol

[Satu]

It doesn't really matter much what you say, as long as you say something.

 

A smile and a look can say a lot.

 

I went to a single sex school, and was painfully shy with the opposite sex.

 

It took me a long time to break out of that, but I did break out of it and I'm now most at home in an intimate setting. I like to feel close to people. I like letting my barriers down, and deeply connecting with someone. With anyone, really

 

Keep an open mind.

 

Be willing to try out new behaviours.

 

Your mind is the easiest thing to change.

 

 

Take care.

[Nowty V]

I wouldn't have a clue what to say

 

Nice shoes .. do ya'wanna?

 

or if I'd just come across as weird.

 

What's wrong with being weird?

[CoffeeChick]

Nice shoes .. do ya'wanna?

 

 

 

What's wrong with being weird?

 

Maybe it would put the guy off? Like "er what are you doing, get away from me" type thing.

[Nowty V]

what do you think would be better?

 

Science is good, couldn't get much better.

 

However, although I can get quite enthusiastic about the whole particle/wave duality thing I've never used it as an ice breaker.

 

I think your situation is more down to the calibre of males available rather than anything you're doing wrong.

[Nowty V]

Maybe it would put the guy off? Like "er what are you doing, get away from me" type thing.

 

You can't assume the reaction of another.

 

maybe you just need to loosen up a bit.

 

but maybe not, I still feel it's the males your encountering that are at fault.

[Satu]

Maybe it would put the guy off? Like "er what are you doing, get away from me" type thing.

 

People aren't that judgmental or cruel.

 

That's a fact, based on my extensive peer-reviewed research.

 

 

Here is a clipping from an old journal of mine:

 

 

"To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly."

 

It works that way with everything.

 

The opposite also works.

 

To have no friends, be unfriendly.

 

I'm not saying that you are doing any of those negatives, but there's always room for more of the positives.

 

 

Take care.

[shoplocal]

I'm single and not had sex for 3 years. I've tried dates but they've went horribly wrong all the time and I can never be myself in dating. Everyone keeps saying I will meet someone when I least expect it, but I know you do have to make some sort of effort, like go to a party to meet friends of friends (which I haven't done for a long time), date obviously, pick up a hobby etc. But I've done these things and haven't met anyone I click with. I haven't been attracted to anyone at work and my few male friends are all in relationships. I'm tired of being told to enjoy single life, I've been single for a long time and it does get lonely, especially with not having intimacy. Casual is too empty when the person has no feelings for you, and even if I'm sometimes lonely enough to want to do it, I can't sleep with someone who would have someone else the next time.

 

It's an awful cycle. I put myself out there, I don't succeed, burn myself out, leave it, feel lonely, and it starts again. I just wonder what I can do differently. I don't want to meet someone and immediately know they are the one. But just to really get on with another person and feel comfortable enough to get close to them. I've not really been looking for love for a long time but it's never happened to me, and now the loneliness is hitting me.

 

I feel your pain. *hugs* hopefully reading through the threads on LS will give you some pointers, tips, or perspective. I'm actually in exactly the same boat as you -- no man, no interest from men, no touching/intimacy -- and I know how much it sucks. Sending you good vibes from this side of the pond.

[Fair]

I wish I knew the answer. I sometimes feel like a leopard who is expected to change it's spots for society in order to get the kind of relationships others take for granted.

 

I'm not one who by my very nature would ever find relationships easy and have come to the conclusion it requires more work for me than maybe I'm willing to expend. Maybe you too, don't really want to work at it and want it to be easy... or maybe, whether you know it or not, you really don't want a relationship?

 

Dr. Phil says people are alone because they want to be, only many don't realize it... they may think they want one... or they do Sometimes ... when they're lonely... but a relationship is an ongoing responsibility they really don't want to on their plate. Do you think this might be you? Looking inside and being totally honest with yourself might be a place to start.

[CoffeeChick]

I think it's not that I don't want it, but after being alone for a long time, it's scary. Plus I'm terrible at first dates and look for anything that is wrong with them and any reason not to trust them. I've had a bad experience in the past when I attempted to trust someone so it possibly put me off. So I know I need to change my behaviour in that respect.

 

Last time I got a boyfriend, it was through a sports/social group of mixed men and women. I don't want to pick up that particular hobby again but wouldn't mind doing something else. I tried a Meetup group for coffee once which was a bit awkward and people were a fair bit older than me. Doing a shared interest would be better but I've not many ideas!

[Nowty V]

I don't know what part of Scotland you are in but do they have a Solidarity Network?

 

I know Glasgow has an active one, they are on facebook.

 

Some of their activities look entertaining, crowd bombing rogue landlords and the like.

[angel.eyes]

I'm not a naturally flirty type, but I'm very friendly and if I really like someone I will try to flirt. I do have a lot of trouble with eye contact however, just tend to sneak glances if I see someone I find attractive. Approaching a guy, I wouldn't have a clue what to say or if I'd just come across as weird.

 

You seem to have my first post backwards. Generally, if others perceive you to be warm, friendly, open, and easy to talk to, THEY will approach you and start the conversation.

 

When people take candid pictures of you, what is your facial expression? Is your resting face a smiling one that seems happy, positive, and eager to interact with the world. Or do you look stern, unhappy, irritated, etc.? Would a stranger assume you were easy to talk to?

 

Think about this, why would someone choose to approach you to have a random, friendly chat, rather than the person sitting next to you?

[angel.eyes]

I think it's not that I don't want it, but after being alone for a long time, it's scary. Plus I'm terrible at first dates and look for anything that is wrong with them and any reason not to trust them. I've had a bad experience in the past when I attempted to trust someone so it possibly put me off. So I know I need to change my behaviour in that respect.

There's nothing wrong with screening guys. In fact, it's to be expected. That's the whole point of dating. It's an ongoing process to evaluate your date, see if you want the same things, are compatible, and enjoy the same things.

 

There's bound to be a bad apple in the mix, so screening is crucial. To assume that all apples must be terrible, however, just because one had a worm once, does you and your new dates a disservice.

 

Work through your baggage from that bad experience BEFORE you attempt to date. Otherwise, it will be an exercise in sabotage and futility as you're discovering.

 

Last time I got a boyfriend, it was through a sports/social group of mixed men and women. I don't want to pick up that particular hobby again but wouldn't mind doing something else. I tried a Meetup group for coffee once which was a bit awkward and people were a fair bit older than me. Doing a shared interest would be better but I've not many ideas!

What are your current hobbies and interests?

[NVO]

So I know I need to change my behaviour in that respect.

 

Great starting point. I'm a big fan of self-improvement. What I like about self-improvement is that if you improve one thing, say getting your body into shape, it also improves other aspects of your life, like your achievements at work. Getting your body into shape will result in more confidence and you will take that confidence with you wherever you go. Somehow it all enhances the benefits.

 

About the rest, I don't have solid advice for the lonely feeling. I totally get what you mean. I seem to wake up with that feeling on some of the days in the week. It disappears as the day progresses. And I'm also stuck in the routine of putting myself out there, getting disappointed, brushing myself off and getting back at it again. I take breaks in between and learn some new things about myself that I later use when I start dating again. But I always have another go. Don't get discouraged. In every rejection or failure is a lesson to be learned.

 

You must learn to not base your value on whether you are in a relationship or not. Now I know this is the most common advice, and even I don't really grasp it almost 1,5 year after my first real break-up, but you'll make progress. Think of it this way: if you base your value on having a relationship or not, you are needy. You take that needy behavior into your dating life. Therefore you will scare away confident men and will attract men who are playing games or, even worse, men who are more needy than you.

 

Another thing that might come in handy is the importancy of demographics. Although this concept is found in the book Models and is directed at men, I think it's useful for women as well. It's a theory that states that if you have a hard time connecting to people, you are propably connecting with the wrong people. Let's take myself as an example. I like history and writing but decide to go to clubs every weekend hoping to find my dreamgirl. I approach several women who look good but are drunk and shallow. They don't have my intellectual sense of humor and I can't converse with them. There's no connection. And the only history they know is the history of men they slept with. I feel awkward. I used to think this was all me as I was watching my friends connecting with the same girl. But it wasn't me, we just were not compatible. I don't want to turn into a casanova who can get any girl he wants, I just want to connect with a girl that will enhance my life.

 

So if I choose to change the demographics of my search, my results will improve. Let's say I go to a museum or art gallery instead. My bet is that one conversation with someone there is more meaningful than 10 at the club. Just because we are at that place means we alreay have something in common and my stories and experiences will probably make more sense to her than the drunk bargirl. Connecting with people who have something in common with you is a lot easier.

 

Get in touch with yourself, write down things you've always wanted to do. After that think about the kind of man you want to be with. What are his qualities? What are his hobbys? When you are done, add it all up and start thinking about where you could meet this kind of guys. Dating is an elimination process, and you are good at eliminating options. So you have that going for you. But instead of getting disappointed when someone's not 'it', be happy you are one step closer to finding your guy.

Edited September 12, 2016 by NVO

[coolheadal]

What I've learn it to be yourself and not someone else. I don't know how your meeting guys but it's just not working the way you have hope. Don't try to hard and look for signs. That smile and stare back at you. Be more observant to who is around you. Might need to take a little vacation to St. Martin via Miami Beach on cruise ship for a week. Never know who you might run into? Just do things differently that you do. Forget about how long you had sex, that's not important. Right now be open minded let things happen to to another town and explore a place you never been too. Of course most of us have tried all these things and turned to online dating sites. That you can do if your a shy person. Just have to be careful. But there are many men out there for you, just don't want the crazy or bad boys these type you'll never be happy in the end.

[Logan787]

I think it's not that I don't want it, but after being alone for a long time, it's scary. Plus I'm terrible at first dates and look for anything that is wrong with them and any reason not to trust them. I've had a bad experience in the past when I attempted to trust someone so it possibly put me off. So I know I need to change my behaviour in that respect.

 

I have the same problem you do.

I don't think the problem is you per se. I mean we all have our flaws and things we need to work on. The problem is I believe the day and time that we are living in and how the quality of people has suffered through moral and social decay. People are very hard to connect with these days due to the Internet and social media, they are also less moral and more apt to toss morals and character to the side. The sexual revolution was a game changer in how people meet, date, and start....or end families. Your problem is that your living in a world where people look at other people like products to be used, rather than humans to be respected. This is the price that we have paid for all of the "progress" we have made in the past few decades. Funny....families seemed to stay together and people seemed to bond better before the sixties.

I admire your morals and I feel the same myself. It's hard to just sleep with someone when that someone doesn't look at you as a person, but rather as a candy bar that they devour and toss away the wrapper and move onto the next person.

Welcome to dating in the 21st Century. It's the society of selfishness.