Struggling with toxic love life. Need support.

[batjokes92]

Hello. Let me start out by saying that I am 24 years old and I have never Been in a relationship. my dating history is just a mess. I have very low self esteem and hate myself because of this fact. my first experience dating someone was when I was 21. He seemed to be really into me, said I was beautiful, that we were "perfect for eachother". we kissed, I told him he was my first kiss and this freaked him out. He stopped seeing me and told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that we were never "dating". That we were "just friends". I was confused because he was giving me mixed signals from the start.

 

I went into severe depression for almost two years until I met my online friend from poland. If you want to know the full story on him I suggest you read my last thread post. To quickly summarize, he met me through my blog and became somewhat of a mentor to me. He told me that I need to seek men who interest me on a more spiritual level. He changed my perception on what I look for in a partner. He reassured me that I was an attractive and interesting woman. We got to know eachother in a close intimate way without anything physical (of course) I fell for him. He is just so different, exciting, inspiring, so different from anyone I've ever spoken to. He cured me of my obsession with the first man I "thought" I was in love with. He says that he loves me too but he can't be with me because he's already in love with someone else, even though their relationship has been nothing but toxic for over a year now. He is a fatalist that belives thier is only one person out there for you and that true love only occurs once in a lifetime. I know he is out of my league intellectually and that I could never satisfy him. My family warns me that I need to stay away from him, they say he's unstable and dangerous but I can't help this painful attraction I feel for him.

 

People have told me to focus on a local man but the only local man I've met who has any interest in me is a 33 year old man who is most likely married. He comes to my house for sex and creates excuses to leave immediately afterward. He was the first man I had sex with because I was 23 and tired of waiting. I've been seeing him for 4 months now and he does this every time. I try to hug him and cuddle with him but he remains stoik and cold. He doesn't even look at me. Almost as if he's desgusted by the fact that I touch him.

 

I don't know why I have such bad luck with men. People tell me I'm still young, that I'll meet someone eventually if I just keep putting myself out there but I've had so many bad experiances I don't even want to try anymore. One more bad experiance might send me into severe mental crisis.

 

The only thing that keeps me going in life now is my career. I am a graphic designer and I love my job, but it feels lonely when I come home to nothing, no one to talk to. I crave a partner who will love me for my persona, not just my body. Will I ever find someone? I am loosing hope and I need some friendly advice.

Edited August 28, 2016 by batjokes92

[CarrieT]

Please stop having sex with the 33-year old who is treating you like a prostitute. No wonder you have bad self-esteem; he is enforcing that concept with how he is treating you and how you are letting him treat you.

 

As for your depression, have you seen a doctor? Medication and therapy would be the next step - after you have gotten rid of the sex partner - and could show tremendous steps towards healing yourself.

 

Yes, you will find someone - but you need to start changing the basic ways you are handling your life. Therapy and not having sex with this guy are the first two things you need to do.

 

After that, have you considered clubs or Meet-Up groups?

[oldshirt]

Please stop having sex with the 33-year old who is treating you like a prostitute. No wonder you have bad self-esteem; he is enforcing that concept with how he is treating you and how you are letting him treat you.

 

 

If he's not paying you at least a couple hundred bucks a session, he is treating you worse than a prostitute. Hookers at least get paid for their services.

 

I agree that this activity is toxic. A toxin is something that is worse for you being in your system than if it wasn't there at all, and this activity is an example of that.

 

It is making you feel worse about yourself and making you less marketable on the open dating market than if it was not occurring at all.

[batjokes92]

Well I won't be charging him any money because he's ****ing broke and I'm not hot enough to be a prostitute anyway lol. Obviously, since this is the only guy who ever expressed any interest in me sexually (besides my friend from Poland who is "taken").

 

I've been seeing the same counclier for two years now and she hasn't helped much. I've gone to the CMHA for information about therapy but they say therapy sessions are expensive and there's a long waiting list for them.

 

I've looked up groups on meetup.com but unfortunately I do not live in a big enough city, there aren't many groups or clubs here. To make matters worse is I don't have any friends. I am very lonely. I've lost a lot of unfaithful friends when I went through my depression and all the loyal ones are moving away soon. I know my social skills are lacking. The only thing I am confident in about myself in my job and my artistic ability. But I've come to find that a talented and career driven woman doesn't attract men.

[preraph]

Men aren't treating you well because you are accepting the ones who don't without requiring anything at all from them. If you stay busy with random guys who just want sex with no relationship simply because you'll accept that, then that's who will just keep lining up. You have to reject men who aren't bringing anything you want to the table. If sex isn't all you want, then run off any who just want free no strings sex. If you don't want someone who is rude and inconsiderate, then run off anyone who is that way the first time they are that way. If you want someone who treats you with respect, you have to be a person who won't settle for less than to be treated well.

 

Your problem is you are too desperate and will take any man whether they are even trying or even like you. You need to work on liking yourself and probably should try some therapy to get at the root of it. But you'll never build self-esteem by having NO standards and no requirements of the people you keep around you. No one can fix you just by being around. You have to fix yourself by making a list of what you want in a man or a friend, like kindness, reliability, etc. and then NOT accept anyone who flunks those things. Or you'll always attract losers who hurt you. Good luck.

[Satu]

snip

*I don't know why I have such bad luck with men. People tell me I'm still young, that I'll meet someone eventually if I just keep putting myself out there but I've had so many bad experiances I don't even want to try anymore. One more bad experiance might send me into severe mental crisis.

 

*Luck has nothing to do with it.

 

Your life as it currently exists, is woven from countless decisions you have made.

 

Sometimes the choosing is done on a conscious level, and sometimes the choosing is done on a subconscious level.

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

If you don't like your life the way it is, choose something else.

 

If you don't like being who you are, change yourself.

 

If you don't like the way men treat you, change the way you treat men.

 

 

You have all the power you need to make these changes.

 

You just need to start using it.

 

 

Make good choices.

 

 

Take care.

Edited August 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CarrieT]

I'm not hot enough to be a prostitute anyway lol.

Irrelevent point, but most prostitutes are not drop-dead, gorgeous models. High-end escorts are - yes - but, again, this is besides the point.

 

I've been seeing the same counclier for two years now and she hasn't helped much. I've gone to the CMHA for information about therapy but they say therapy sessions are expensive and there's a long waiting list for them.

Are you even on the list? And as far as your current counselor goes, you need to be frank that you are concerned there hasn't been forward momentum in your treatment and inquire about methods to increase or better the situation.

 

I've looked up groups on meetup.com but unfortunately I do not live in a big enough city, there aren't many groups or clubs here.

There "aren't many" means that there are some? Go outside your comfort zone and investigate what does exist in your area.

 

But I've come to find that a talented and career driven woman doesn't attract men.

And that, frankly, is not true at all.

 

At this point, it seems like you are putting up excuses for every offer of help being given, which indicates you are complacent and comfortable in your self-ascribed pity party. If you really wanted a change, you would start the steps towards making a difference in your life.

[Arieswoman]

batjokes92,

 

This may help;

 

Healthier Relationships

 

Good Luck x

[batjokes92]

So is everyone saying that I should choose to go out with men I have nothing in common with/feel no attraction to?

 

It's not that I'm deliberately choosing to go after guys who don't like me. They express interest in the beginning, say things like "I have a huge crush on you", even "I love you" but eventually loose interest when I become attached myself. It seems almost as though I have to act bitchy and unavailable to keep a man's attention...

[JuneJulySeptember]

If I could go back to being your age, the one thing I would tell myself is to break free from society's race.

 

It's all over your posts. You're trying to validate your physical attractiveness, your social skills, and your intelligence. And you're trying to do so by comparing it to other women and what they got.

 

I know most people never do, but I'm much happier since breaking free (relatively). Once you don't tie your self esteem to being beautiful, rich, and the 'most interesting man in the world', life becomes a smoother ride. Just my 2 cents.

[preraph]

So you're saying you're only attracted to married men too old for you ? And that's who you think you have something in common with? Read your post and see if that makes any sense.

[batjokes92]

So you're saying you're only attracted to married men too old for you ? And that's who you think you have something in common with? Read your post and see if that makes any sense.

 

I don't have anything in common with the 33yo "married" man. (He never said he was married I just had the thought that he might be) Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my original message. He's not my "romantic" focus, he is a distraction for the feelings I have for my friend in Poland whom I can't be with because 1 he's "taken" 2 he lives on the other side of the world 3 he's "unstable" (I recommend you read my last thread post if you want to know more about him)

 

Also, what's with the condescending tone I'm getting in your messages? I'm asking for support, I don't need to be bullied.

[preraph]

I don't have anything in common with the 33yo "married" man. (He never said he was married I just had the thought that he might be) Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my original message. He's not my "romantic" focus, he is a distraction for the feelings I have for my friend in Poland whom I can't be with because 1 he's "taken" 2 he lives on the other side of the world 3 he's "unstable" (I recommend you read my last thread post if you want to know more about him)

 

Also, what's with the condescending tone I'm getting in your messages? I'm asking for support, I don't need to be bullied.

 

You "liked" my last post. Just sayin'.

[randall]

So is everyone saying that I should choose to go out with men I have nothing in common with/feel no attraction to?

 

I read through the replies and my impression is they are saying the exact opposite.

 

In fact, peraph wrote: "Your problem is you are too desperate and will take any man whether they are even trying or even like you."

 

I understand you had sex with this 33-year-old because you felt the need for sex and he was available. So initially you both used each other to get something you each wanted. That's not a problem in itself but it's not healthy if you now want more but he's happy to just keep taking without giving you what you want. You need to cut him off and find someone who will give you want you need.

 

Holding onto this guy who is using you for sex means it'll taking longer for you to actually be able to focus properly on other people. When I was young I watched my mother cling to a man who strung her along for almost 3 years. When she finally broke it off she found a much better man 6 months later.

 

As for the online guy, it seems strange that he says he loves you but then says a person has only one true love and he's in love with someone else.

[Zahara]

I don't have anything in common with the 33yo "married" man. (He never said he was married I just had the thought that he might be) Maybe I didn't make myself clear in my original message. He's not my "romantic" focus, he is a distraction for the feelings I have for my friend in Poland whom I can't be with because 1 he's "taken" 2 he lives on the other side of the world 3 he's "unstable" (I recommend you read my last thread post if you want to know more about him)

 

Also, what's with the condescending tone I'm getting in your messages? I'm asking for support, I don't need to be bullied.

 

You said you have low self-esteem and you hate yourself -- the situations that you are in now are only feeding and eroding even more into the already poor image you have of yourself. Until you work on your self-esteem and loving yourself, you'll likely keep attracting dysfunctional men and remain in situations that will only continue to break you down.

 

A married man that treats you like a prostitute and an unavailable man in Poland -- those are your choices. Why do you have to be with either one of them? Are you so desperate to be loved and validated? Why can't you be alone? Use that time to heal, work on yourself and learn to become comfortable in your own skin as well as realizing your worth rather than seeking men to validate you.

[redbaron007]

You're 23 and are looking for a steady boyfriend. Right now you have a FWB and have a crush on some Polish dude. So far, nothing seems really abnormal considering your age....you're pretty much like many other 23 year olds....don't be too hard on yourself. Just enjoy your youth...I spent my entire 20's and a good chunk of my 30's worrying like you...for a lot of us, the penny drops when we turn 40 and we realize we were unduly stressed about relationships and career when we should have been out having a good time...so just go out and enjoy yourself.

[batjokes92]

I am a 24 year old female and I've never had a boyfriend.

 

I rarely get any interest or attention from men I meet in real life. Yet I go on sites like tinder and OK Cupid and I get several messages a day! I don't understand what's going on. I'm not sure if I'm attractive enough. I am a short skinny blonde girl. I've been told that I have a nice body but I absolutely hate the way my face looks. People either say I'm ugly or drop dead gorgeous and it confuses me because I'm not sure where I fit. I feel uncomfortable flirting with people because I secretly think that they are going to be disgusted or laugh at my sad awkward attempt since that has been the response I get so far. I have no confidence because all of my experiences have been painfully embarrassing.

 

I think the ones who tell me I'm pretty are liars because the ones who tell me I am are usually in relationships. They say things like "WOW if I was single I'd totally go for you!" Then a few months go by and their gf breaks up with them and they don't even want to talk to me. It hurts getting your hopes up only to be let down..

 

I say I'm lonely right now because I currently have no friends who live nearby. My best friend has moved to Toronto last week and my other friend will be moving to England by the end of the fall. The only other person I'm close to is my brother but he will be moving away shortly too. So I will be completely alone very soon and it's a scary thought. I don't know how to meet people or make new friends because I've had the same friends since high school and I have poor social skills/social anxiety. I've been to sites like meetup.com but most of the groups that interest me are over the boarder on the U.S. Side while I live in Canada.

 

I went to school and graduated with a diploma and am now a graphic designer at a great printing house! They say I'm very skilled and are impressed with my work. I love all of my coworkers but they are all much older than I am. I spend most of my time at work trying to distract myself from the thought of how alone I am in my home life. Work seems to be the one positive thing I have going for me.

 

People always tell me that I need to work on myself first before I can look for a partner but I think I'm pretty well off for someone my age.

 

To be honest, all my life all I have ever wanted was a boyfriend. Deep down it has always been my number one priority to find someone. But no one wants a commitment. I've only dated 3 guys and they have all abandoned me after I got too close to them. Most of them have just used me for sex . Ive never had a real sweet romantic moment with a man. It's almost as if they want a woman who's happy and willing to please them all the time no questions asked. If I show them any true emotion they bail the very second I show it! I'm becoming very bitter and angry towards men. I'm scared that I will be alone for a long time. I am always sad and crying now and as I continue to age with little to no romantic experiance my hope for romance in the future looks bleak.

Edited September 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneJulySeptember]

To be honest, all my life all I have ever wanted was a boyfriend. Deep down it has always been my number one priority to find someone. But no one wants a commitment. I've only dated 3 guys and they have all abandoned me after I got too close to them. Most of them have just used me for sex like some whore. Ive never had a real sweet romantic moment with a man. It's almost as if they want a woman who's happy and willing to please them all the time no questions asked.

 

Typically, when a woman's history reads like that, she goes for hot guys and/or jerks and/or edgy guys.

 

I can rattle off a number of guys that would never do that to a woman and would be happy to have dated any decent looking woman. It might not have lasted, but they certainly wouldn't have treated you like crap. Most of them are married now, but they weren't even close to it when they were your age.

 

But you say, I can't date guys I'm not attracted to. Well, those are life decisions we make consciously or not. So, you either compromise or wait it out.

[batjokes92]

Typically, when a woman's history reads like that, she goes for hot guys and/or jerks and/or edgy guys.

 

I can rattle off a number of guys that would never do that to a woman and would be happy to have dated any decent looking woman. It might not have lasted, but they certainly wouldn't have treated you like crap. Most of them are married now, but they weren't even close to it when they were your age.

 

But you say, I can't date guys I'm not attracted to. Well, those are life decisions we make consciously or not. So, you either compromise or wait it out.

 

I don't think I'm that picky. The guys I have dated were average. I know I don't stand a chance with the supermodels. I just won't date someone if there is zero attraction, (typically if they are overweight, as most of the one who are attracted to me are. Not trying to sound rude, I'm just not attracted to that type.) I just think that's ridiculous and will only end badly for both of us.

Edited September 16, 2016 by batjokes92

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't think I'm that picky. The guys I have dated were average. I know I don't stand a chance with the supermodels. I just won't date someone if there is zero attraction, (typically if they are overweight, as most of the one who are attracted to me are. Not trying to sound rude, I'm just not attracted to that type.) I just think that's ridiculous and will only end badly for both of us.

 

It's my philosophy that if there's ANYBODY who is nice and will treat you right then you shouldn't complain about guys/women being jerks and nobody wanting you. I mean, there were stretches of my life where literally NOBODY wanted me. Not a soul. Not an 65 year old, overweight, toothless, unemployed one legged ... yea, you get it.

 

Sure, vent a little if you want, but the hyperbole in your post of 'no guys wanting you' really means 'no guys I LIKE want me'.

 

That is a different thing and something that even beautiful, well adjusted women go through.

 

I have a friend who is 40 and has dated one guy in her life and he was a TOTAL jerk. She shoots guys down pretty regularly. Maybe dozens a year on OLD, maybe goes on 10 dates a year, and has shot down every single one. Many would treat her well. She rarely complains. She realizes she has nothing to complain about.

 

But don't get me wrong. I've whined before too. Lots. And I will again. Just trying to put things in perspective for you.

Edited September 16, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[preraph]

If you're having trouble in person but people like your photos, then it's personality holding you back. Ever thought about letting a video run while you're just talking to someone and then watch it and see if your demeanor contradicts what you are trying to convey?

 

Certainly short skinny blond girls are widely attactive to most men. And there are many men who don't care about the face because they are only focused on the body, so you shouldn't have any trouble there. I mean, some are focused also on the face, but certainly not all are. Women are more focused on faces than men are.

 

You could also ask a close friend or relative if there is something about how you carry yourself or how you move your face or your body or how you speak to people that would be considered a flaw and then work on that to change it. Some people have naturally mad or mean looking faces, and I was one. I wish I'd figured it out young because all I needed to do is make myself smile to become more approachable. Think back to any disagreements you had with people and see if there's any common thread to how you were behaving and that sort of thing. Work on it! You can be whoever you want to be. It's all within your control. So good luck.

[Asterix]

I compliment you for your honesty. It makes you a genuine person and I think you have a lot more going for you than you are aware of. Stop focussing on the negatives.

 

The glass is half full. The positives are in between the lines in your threat. You are young, sincere, genuine, drop dead gorgeous and you work in a creative profession. Keep that in your mind when you enter a room, bar or whatever. You receive what you broadcast.

[ManyDissapoint]

Think about the best version of yourself that you can be. You don't have to be her. But participate in the types of things which that version of you participates in. Do it every day. Make yourself into the catch you want to be.

 

In order to not be vague, things that a lot of attractive men appreciate in a woman:

 

-fitness

 

-good cooking ability

 

-pleasant, feminine demeanor

 

-having interests / hobbies besides socializing

 

If you are in fact a good catch then there is most definitely a fisherman looking to snatch you up.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

So the messages you get from guys on dating apps and online dating sites, I guess they are low quality guys you don't want?

Edited September 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nymphetgrown]

I've only dated 3 guys and they have all abandoned me after I got too close to them. Most of them have just used me for sex like some whore.

 

I see a simple solution to that: stop having sex before they have feelings for you.

 

Seriously, don't do it anymore. If you can't count him as a boyfriend (you say you've never had a boyfriend...) then why are you having sex with him when that's not the primary aim of the relationship for you? Especially if you come away feeling used? Just don't do it; it's obviously hurting you.