Hobbies and Common Interests

[Wave Rider]

I'm unclear about the role of how my hobbies and any common interests I would have with a woman will influence here interest in me.

 

When I was in high school, and during my first year of college, I was really into science and engineering, especially airplanes and aeronautics, and also chemistry. I found that women were completely turned off by these favorite hobbies of mine to the point where I'd get eye rolls and "Not if you were the last man on Earth" kinds of reactions from women.

 

Even though I have a lot of talent in these areas, I disavowed my talents in science because women seemed so turned off by them. Instead, I decided to pursue a career in music, because I thought that would be more appealing to women. I got a degree in music composition, and that didn't do me much good, because women weren't all that interested in musicians either, unless they were really good.

 

So I just said, "Screw it, I'll do engineering anyway, even if women don't like it" and I went back to school and ended up getting a physics degree.

 

But again, when I was working in science and engineering the second time around, I'm unsettled by how unimpressed women were with my accomplishments. I got an internship at NASA working on space shuttle analysis, and took some great pictures of the universe when I did astrophotgraphy, and when I told women about these things, they would rarely respond with more than a flippant "Oh, that's nice." Even women who claimed to like these fields seemed unimpressed.

 

I had the same problem with both of my most recent girlfriends. They were both double majors in physics and math, and they had essentially zero interest in talking about anything related to physics or math with me.

 

It's similar when I try to talk to a woman about her hobbies. When she has a hobby that I like, I get enthusiastic about it and start talking about it, and even if it's her favorite thing in the world, she'll sometimes act like she just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

The only thing I can think of at this point is that her level of enthusiasm for talking about my hobbies - or her hobbies - is based mostly on her level of sexual or romantic interest in me. But where does that leave me in terms of trying to make a connection with a woman? I guess if I don't make it past her first filter, which is looks/status/lifestyle, there's nothing more I can do to make a connection with her, even if I talk about her favorite thing in the world.

 

This is frustrating. Can anyone offer advice? And what do common interests and hobbies matter in a relationship, anyway? It seems like common interests and common hobbies make very little difference in attraction and relationships.

 

And I feel I've wasted an enormous amount of time getting good at hobbies that women don't like, don't care about, and don't want to talk about.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Satu]

You won't benefit from giving up your interests, but you can't expect a high level of interest from people with different interests.

 

My consuming passion is flying, but I'm aware that there's a limit to how much people are interested in what interests me. There's a limit to how much they want to hear about it.

 

So I hang around at the airfield chewing the rag with other pilots, to enjoy the shared enthusiasm.

 

With other people, I mostly take an interest in what they enjoy.

 

I listen more than I speak.

 

 

Take care.

[Wave Rider]

My consuming passion is flying, but I'm aware that there's a limit to how much people are interested in what interests me. There's a limit to how much they want to hear about it.

 

This post came about because of, well, flying. I've always loved flying and aeronautics. I eventually became angry and disillusioned with it because I couldn't find a woman anywhere on the planet who seemed to like it as much as I did, so I decided to rearrange my life to include more female-friendly hobbies. I decided that I wasted all that time learning about airplanes because women don't care about airplanes. But about a month ago I met a woman at swing dancing who has a glider license an loves flying too, and she was beautiful, so I thought that maybe all that time I spent with airplanes wasn't such a waste after alll. I moved about as quickly as I could and asked her on a date, but she said she is just starting to date someone else. So yeah, all that time I spent with airplanes really was a waste, because women who do like airplanes are very rare.

 

But it isn't just that incident. Common interests and hobbies look like about #37 on the list of things women look for in a man.

[xxoo]

If they seem bored with you're talking, consider if you're involving her in the conversation or if it's becoming a monologue.

 

A great conversationalist > shared hobbies.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm unclear about the role of how my hobbies and any common interests I would have with a woman will influence here interest in me.

 

When I was in high school, and during my first year of college, I was really into science and engineering, especially airplanes and aeronautics, and also chemistry. I found that women were completely turned off by these favorite hobbies of mine to the point where I'd get eye rolls and "Not if you were the last man on Earth" kinds of reactions from women.

 

Even though I have a lot of talent in these areas, I disavowed my talents in science because women seemed so turned off by them. Instead, I decided to pursue a career in music, because I thought that would be more appealing to women. I got a degree in music composition, and that didn't do me much good, because women weren't all that interested in musicians either, unless they were really good.

 

So I just said, "Screw it, I'll do engineering anyway, even if women don't like it" and I went back to school and ended up getting a physics degree.

 

But again, when I was working in science and engineering the second time around, I'm unsettled by how unimpressed women were with my accomplishments. I got an internship at NASA working on space shuttle analysis, and took some great pictures of the universe when I did astrophotgraphy, and when I told women about these things, they would rarely respond with more than a flippant "Oh, that's nice." Even women who claimed to like these fields seemed unimpressed.

 

I had the same problem with both of my most recent girlfriends. They were both double majors in physics and math, and they had essentially zero interest in talking about anything related to physics or math with me.

 

It's similar when I try to talk to a woman about her hobbies. When she has a hobby that I like, I get enthusiastic about it and start talking about it, and even if it's her favorite thing in the world, she'll sometimes act like she just doesn't want to talk about it.

 

The only thing I can think of at this point is that her level of enthusiasm for talking about my hobbies - or her hobbies - is based mostly on her level of sexual or romantic interest in me. But where does that leave me in terms of trying to make a connection with a woman? I guess if I don't make it past her first filter, which is looks/status/lifestyle, there's nothing more I can do to make a connection with her, even if I talk about her favorite thing in the world.

 

This is frustrating. Can anyone offer advice? And what do common interests and hobbies matter in a relationship, anyway? It seems like common interests and common hobbies make very little difference in attraction and relationships.

 

And I feel I've wasted an enormous amount of time getting good at hobbies that women don't like, don't care about, and don't want to talk about.

 

Interesting that you posted this...as someone shared with me an article regarding the overly-pickiness of women...

 

It's a good read...

 

Are today?s women too picky for their own good?

 

It's entitled, "Are women too picky for their own good?"

 

Apparently even a NASA worker isn't enough to impress them. lol

[Wave Rider]

Interesting that you posted this...as someone shared with me an article regarding the overly-pickiness of women...

 

It's a good read...

 

Are today?s women too picky for their own good?

 

It's entitled, "Are women too picky for their own good?"

 

Apparently even a NASA worker isn't enough to impress them. lol

 

Well, maybe they are too picky, but many of them do end up dating somebody, and that somebody isn't me. So why not? The woman I mentioned above, who is the glider pilot, has a boyfriend. So some guy is dating her, and that guy isn't me. I don't know much about the other guy. But it's clear that having common hobbies with this woman didn't help me much in this case.

[basil67]

But it isn't just that incident. Common interests and hobbies look like about #37 on the list of things women look for in a man.

 

That would be about right.

 

My hubby and I have very little in common when it comes to hobbies and interests. The few things we do have in common are enjoying a wide variety of foods, skiing (once a year) and body surfing on occasion in summer. We're recently taken up going to goth clubs and are having a great time there. But that's it.

 

When it comes to other interests, there's nothing much we have in common. He loves football (soccer) and I couldn't tell you who played the last world cup. I love history and sewing and his eyes glaze over at the topics. But that's OK.

 

We just find other things to talk about. And we crack each other up with our observations. There's plenty in the world to talk about other than hobbies.

[basil67]

Apparently even a NASA worker isn't enough to impress them. lol

 

I'd be very impressed by someone who worked at NASA. But I'm not dating their job, so that alone wouldn't be enough to make me consider dating them.

 

Being impressed by someone's achievements doesn't necessarily make me want to boink them.

[Satu]

Well, maybe they are too picky, but many of them do end up dating somebody, and that somebody isn't me. So why not? The woman I mentioned above, who is the glider pilot, has a boyfriend. So some guy is dating her, and that guy isn't me. I don't know much about the other guy. But it's clear that having common hobbies with this woman didn't help me much in this case.

 

 

You seem to think that you can have your interests or a woman, but not both.

 

I don't believe that.

 

In fact, I think you're more likely to meet a woman who suits you, while you're strongly pursuing your interests.

 

 

 

Go for it.

[redbaron007]

...

 

This is frustrating. Can anyone offer advice? And what do common interests and hobbies matter in a relationship, anyway? It seems like common interests and common hobbies make very little difference in attraction and relationships.

 

And I feel I've wasted an enormous amount of time getting good at hobbies that women don't like, don't care about, and don't want to talk about.

 

You should cultivate hobbies that you like and care about. But as a fellow techie, I understand your pain... I don't have any answers just theories. My theory is that women are big into human interest related hobbies. I'm a fan of Humans of New York and Brandon Stanton has said time and again that most of his fanbase are women in their 20's and 30's, so I am now testing that hypothesis by starting a local HONY inspired page. But the primary benefit is the satisfaction I derive myself from walking the streets, talking to random strangers and making them comfortable enough to reveal stuff about their lives. I started this hobby fairly recently and I can tell that women are very interested in talking about it.

 

I assumed musicians always get laid, because there's always some sort of after parties at events, but maybe not....For me personally, I'm not musically inclined, and cannot lug along a guitar everywhere or spontaneously burst into song at my local Starbucks, so I think photography may work better than music for me.

[Wave Rider]

You should cultivate hobbies that you like and care about. But as a fellow techie, I understand your pain... I don't have any answers just theories. My theory is that women are big into human interest related hobbies. I'm a fan of Humans of New York and Brandon Stanton has said time and again that most of his fanbase are women in their 20's and 30's, so I am now testing that hypothesis by starting a local HONY inspired page. But the primary benefit is the satisfaction I derive myself from walking the streets, talking to random strangers and making them comfortable enough to reveal stuff about their lives. I started this hobby fairly recently and I can tell that women are very interested in talking about it.

 

Yeah, this is where I'm torn between "Don't give a crap what anyone else thinks of you and do what makes you happy" vs. "Go somewhere that you're likely to meet the kind of woman you want." I don't know what the answer is on that.

 

I assumed musicians always get laid, because there's always some sort of after parties at events, but maybe not....For me personally, I'm not musically inclined, and cannot lug along a guitar everywhere or spontaneously burst into song at my local Starbucks, so I think photography may work better than music for me.

 

See, this was frustrating too. I was a composer, not a performer. I had some basic performance skills, but mostly I wrote music, which most people didn't seem to really comprehend. Most people seem to believe that music exists in the universe somewhere by fiat and that a musician is someone who plays music. When I told people I was a composer, they'd act confused and say, "Wait, you write music? That's really weird. I didn't know that people even did that."

 

Guitar players get laid. Composers don't.

[redbaron007]

...

See, this was frustrating too. I was a composer, not a performer. I had some basic performance skills, but mostly I wrote music, which most people didn't seem to really comprehend. ...

Guitar players get laid. Composers don't.

 

This is a great point. The distinction between the two are one gives you social proof and one does not. Performing will get you social proof whereas composing will not, because an audience will give you social proof...my theory is focusing on interests that give you social proof. Even if you are a rocket scientist, the fact that you're invited to speak about it at an event, or lead a rocket science meet up group in a large city will get you laid...just my theory.

[Wave Rider]

This is a great point. The distinction between the two are one gives you social proof and one does not. Performing will get you social proof whereas composing will not, because an audience will give you social proof...my theory is focusing on interests that give you social proof. Even if you are a rocket scientist, the fact that you're invited to speak about it at an event, or lead a rocket science meet up group in a large city will get you laid...just my theory.

 

I take it you've been reading material from the PUA school of thought.

 

Maybe something inside me compelled me to pick composition instead of performance because I knew women wouldn't be interested. And the same with rocket science.

 

As for my original question, it seems that some women care about common interests and some don't. It seems that most people are more into looking for that magical chemistry, even if there aren't any common interests. But I suspect that chemistry without compatibility will likely lead to being stuck in a bad relationship.

 

I have what I thought would have been the sexist hobby on the planet for a man, which is surfing. Nope. Women don't care. I think that it's the surfer attitude and persona that's attractive to women, not the actual ability to surf. And there aren't too many female surfers, so I don't have much for building common interest there. It's pretty discouraging.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Wave Rider

[redbaron007]

I take it you've been reading material from the PUA school of thought.

It's actually from Cialdini's Six Principles of Influence, that the PUA community cheekily adopted for their nefarious purposes.

 

Maybe something inside me compelled me to pick composition instead of performance because I knew women wouldn't be interested. And the same with rocket science.

Umm...and you wonder why women are not interested in these?

 

As for my original question, it seems that some women care about common interests and some don't. It seems that most people are more into looking for that magical chemistry, even if there aren't any common interests. But I suspect that chemistry without compatibility will likely lead to being stuck in a bad relationship.

I'm no expert but I think it's a yin/yang combo.

 

I have what I thought would have been the sexist hobby on the planet for a man, which is surfing. Nope. Women don't care. I think that it's the surfer attitude and persona that's attractive to women, not the actual ability to surf. And there aren't too many female surfers, so I don't have much for building common interest there. It's pretty discouraging.

Yea, heck you don't even need to know how to surf if you can adopt the devil-may-care attitude. Again, do you have social proof, i.e. do you surf all by yourself or are you part of a group that surfs and hangs out?

[basil67]

I have what I thought would have been the sexist hobby on the planet for a man, which is surfing. Nope. Women don't care. I think that it's the surfer attitude and persona that's attractive to women, not the actual ability to surf. And there aren't too many female surfers, so I don't have much for building common interest there. It's pretty discouraging.

 

Even if they did surf, there's a limit as to how often it would actually be a topic of conversation.

 

I mentioned earlier that hubby and I both love body surfing. Now, while we're out there we can enjoy when the partner gets a good wave. Or we can commiserate when they fall off the back of the wave. After we've been out, we can talk about how good or bad the waves were. But that's it. It's not a topic we talk about on even a semi-regular basis.

 

This is why I think that mutual hobbies are over-rated.

[todreaminblue]

I have a theory that it takes a real interest in a person in the first place to be interested in what they do...you can have similar hobbies to talk frequently about if and a big if....if you are passionate about them equally....

 

I have found that with me ...i am interested and curious about most things.....so i can talk and be interested about a range of topics because i always want to learn what makes people tick....and i love to learn new things.....when i date...my interest is basically in the person i am dating so anything that person does or says....i take notice and i ask questions.....which leads to conversation which leads to tangents...and its in the tangents often commonalities occur....i am able to draw talking out of people that dont talk much..normally there are exceptions.....to tell the truth...there's only really been a few i cant......and its normally when i dont feel confident.....that i struggle....its not the other person.....its me......

 

i dont expect guys to like my hobbies...nor would i want them to pretend they do...i like stamps....books...poetry......religion....religion is a past time of mine.more than that...its a huge part fo who i am...finding out about all religions...not only my own......theres beauty in mostly all religion...i seek it.....i like to talk about positive things....ias far as dates go.....i like conversation and i can hold it....but it takes two to converse....

 

 

its your confidence waverider.....that is causing problems with you.....your insecurities.....your lack of self esteem.....i would say ...also your shyness....its not about what you do .....or your hobbies...or your past times....its you......and i get this...because at times part of me and certain times...part of me is too shy to talk at all...and sometimes this is with a guy i am attracted too....so i guess its lucky i dont get attracted much...

 

i could write a thousand peoms about a person...and never actually have talked to them often.....because....i listen.....and i learn...

 

and as satu pointed out...listening....is often the best way to truly be a great conversationalist......deb

Edited July 25, 2016 by todreaminblue

[MGX]

Well, maybe they are too picky, but many of them do end up dating somebody, and that somebody isn't me. So why not? The woman I mentioned above, who is the glider pilot, has a boyfriend. So some guy is dating her, and that guy isn't me. I don't know much about the other guy. But it's clear that having common hobbies with this woman didn't help me much in this case.

 

She probably might have been into you, but someone else got there first.

 

(Is she still dating him or is it over? It's been a month.)

 

The good point about that experience is that it shows you that women who are into your hobbies ARE out there. All you have to do is find one who is single AND likes you.

[Wave Rider]

She probably might have been into you, but someone else got there first.

 

(Is she still dating him or is it over? It's been a month.)

 

The good point about that experience is that it shows you that women who are into your hobbies ARE out there. All you have to do is find one who is single AND likes you.

 

Yes, I do think that she was somewhat interested in me, and something might have happened between us, but I was unlucky because I met her at a time when she was getting involved with someone else. If I'd met her a few months earlier, things might have been different. I'm trying not to be disgusted with myself over it because there's not much more I could have done, other than making a series of different decisions over the last year that would have caused me to start swing dancing a few months earlier, which would have caused me to meet her earlier, but I'm going to drive myself crazy if I kick myself over it. It feels like a huge missed opportunity. Things may or may not work out with her and her new boyfriend, but I'm not holding my breath. I'll just have to look for someone else, though women with these kinds of hobbies are pretty rare, and I don't have a lot of faith that I'll run into another one anytime soon.

[RecentChange]

Ok a few points.

 

First, never change your career path / education / life goals just to attract women, holy moly - not a good idea.

 

Secondly if you really DO want to change some an influential part of your life just to attract women - shoot for something that will make gobs of money, that is a safer bet.

 

Like someone else pointed out, conversation is superior to shared hobbies.

 

My main hobby is horse back riding - jumping. I have no desire to meet a fellow rider. When I am in social settings, I actually prefer not to talk about my riding - I have my riding buddies for that. If someone that knows nothing about riding wants talk about it - I rather not.

 

That said - my husband has a "shared interest" in that he races MX and Mountain bikes. Not a horse, but we both understand how time consuming our hobbies can be. They are both outdoorsey, have some similarities. Both take a set of cajones to go tackle a course. So that we have shared in common. So you can have a "shared interest" without sharing the same thing.

 

I have a number of friends who are engineers -thinking specifically to one of my good male friends who works for an aerospace company. Beyond brief little snippets regarding launches (kinda a bid deal) and items he has in space - he doesn't really talk about the details of his work. His wife is a singer and personal trainer (exercise). I am positive they do not talk about the nitty gritty of his engineering work either.

 

As for music, surfing - Yeah these things DO pull chicks, if you are good, and and CONFIDENT and the kind of guy who can stand out in a crowd.

 

You are right, its not the composer who gets panties thrown at them. Its the guy on the stage, brimming with confidence and swagger. The one who has all the eyes on him and its comfortable being the center of attention.

 

As for the surfers, its like most sports, center of the pack isn't going to get you a lot of attention. But if you are the one out there really rippin, the one dropping in on the huge waves when others wait it out, then yeah, the "surfer groupies" will notice - again, its about the show of prowess, about competition more than the particular sport itself.

[basil67]

[quote=Wave Rider;6990450It seems that most people are more into looking for that magical chemistry, even if there aren't any common interests. But I suspect that chemistry without compatibility will likely lead to being stuck in a bad relationship.

 

You can have compatibility without having many common interests. To me, compatibility is about how well a couple's morals, ethics, attitude and lifestyle mesh.

[BikerAccnt]

Common goals and values are far more important than common hobbies.

 

How you view the world, and how you interact with it, are more telling of who you are, than are hobbies. I find more women to be interested in those ephemeral things, rather than how good you can ....play golf. Frankly, so am I.

[JustGettingBy]

I think your mistake is thinking a woman has to have the same primary interest as you. You'll have a hard time finding a woman who's as into science and engineering (they exist, they're just a minority), but maybe a woman who you're a good fit for shares some of your other interests.

[normal person]

Common goals and values are far more important than common hobbies.

 

How you view the world, and how you interact with it, are more telling of who you are, than are hobbies. I find more women to be interested in those ephemeral things, rather than how good you can ....play golf. Frankly, so am I.

 

Good post.

 

OP, your mistake (aside from switching your majors just to appeal to women) was thinking that common interests are important. I'll tell you something: no one really cares about what interests you have in common. If she enjoys your company, you have shared values, ethics, morals, goals, etc, she won't care if you like golf and she likes tennis, or if you like rap and she likes classic rock. If you match on all the big points, and you have a mutual attraction, the rest is all ancillary.

 

Oh, and being an engineer is quite impressive, but you also should avoid being boring. The money might be enough for some, but it will get old after a while if you've got the personality of a rock.

 

Best of luck.

[Emilia]

I'm one of Mike Brown's students OP, I assume you know who he is (@plutokiller), A LOT of women dig him, I bet he was pretty successful with them when he was younger and single.

 

He is very passionate about what he does, he is very good at it as a result and is a great teacher to boot. He is also the biggest geek on the planet and no-one cares.

[ZA Dater]

I think common interests are quite important, at least in the sense for initial attraction and conversation.

 

"Hi there do you like gliders?"

 

"Yes I do"

 

That's my point, its impossible to walk up to someone in a coffee shop and say the following, without looking stupid.

 

"Hi there, I like gliders, do you also like them?"

 

For me I could think of nothing better than having someone who shared one of my passions as a girlfriend. Hence why to me common interests and passions are very important.