Problems with OLD

[TigerCub]

It seems like so many people do OLD and most of them hate it.

From reading threads here the OP posts a problem they are having, whether its that no one is responding, or the person they were talking to ghosted, or whatever and most of the replies are somewhere along the lines of "that's OLD for ya...NEXT"

 

I have never done the apps, I just did the OLD sites and I too have found them very hit and miss. The other day my friend was scrolling through the "dating buffet" on Tinder or Bumble or whatever and it's just constant swiping without knowing much about the person.

 

It all seems so superficial and there is no real investment in getting to know anyone anymore. And he is complaining about not being able to find a good date.

 

So here are my questions:

1. To those that do OLD or the APPs - what are your major issues with it?

2. Since people are so accustomed to this fast paced Swipe right, Swipe left culture, can we ever go back to slowing things down?

 

I just find it so odd that everyone does it but almost everyone still has a hard time connecting with anyone for real.

 

Thoughts?

[normal person]

it's just constant swiping without knowing much about the person.

 

People are usually attracted to someone's looks first. That's why people have pictures on their profiles. And that's why profiles with no pictures are usually ignored.

 

It all seems so superficial and there is no real investment in getting to know anyone anymore.

 

It's a prequalifier. You get to know them after they know you're not repulsive, you have a decent job, you can write a coherent sentence, etc. That's just the way it is.

 

I've never really had any issues with it. I've found most women to be open, reasonable, outgoing, sometimes aggressive, etc. They're are all women I never would have met otherwise, which is nice.

 

1). My only real gripe is that it's still time consuming. A person can write a novel about themselves but you don't really get a sense of them until you arrange to meet, get dressed up, and get down to the bar/restaurant. You'll probably know if you want to see them again or not within a few minutes but regardless (if you're a guy in America), you're still stuck with the $80+ bill just to figure it out. OLD will be a lot better once one of the sites allows you to include video of yourself.

 

2). Society is becoming more and more one of instant gratification. I do like the quick nature of things, I think a lot of people do, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. It's in a way, much more efficient, but still not perfect. Better you get to filter people out first on a bunch of important criteria before you meet them than have it be like the old days, where you friends just set you up with a stranger you knew absolutely nothing about. When you think about the instantaneous nature of "swipe left, swipe right," that's more or less what you do when you enter a bar and look for people you might be attracted to. You think in your head, "no, no, no, no, YES, no, no, etc." The difference is it will take you a little longer to meet that person if you connect online rather than in person. But you wouldn't have met them anyways, so consider it a win.

 

I just find it so odd that everyone does it but almost everyone still has a hard time connecting with anyone for real.

 

Thoughts?

 

1). The catalog nature of it leaves people wanting the best people. Most people by definition are pretty mediocre and not much to write about. Many people think simply making a profile is enough to award them some interest from the other people on the site -- incredibly wrong. The sites and aps themselves will never allude to this because it will hurt their business. But for it to really be a successful tool for you (if you're a man), you need to be exceptional across the board. And if you're a woman, you need to spend a lot of time filtering out the mountains of less than desirable guys.

 

2). It's only useful if you live in a large city. If you live in a small town, your dating pool on the ap might only be a dozen people or less, and God help you if you don't like any of those people.

[ChocolateRain]

To me OLD was like selling myself ... you put up your best pictures and write all the good things about you ...then you wait and see who comes by to shop

 

it's just endless misery imho ...

 

no one really wants to commit anymore , you look at peoples profiles and you ask them how long they have been on , and some really have been on for a very long time claiming '' looking for serious relationship '' ( ??? )

 

i think someone here mentioned this in a thread somewhere ... OLD is like being a Kid in a Toy store ...they can never decide what toy they want to play with and they may hang on to one toy till they get tired then off to the next one etc etc ... endless misery

 

it's not for me ... if it was meant to be to meet someone naturally so it shall happen but i got tired to present myself like i was at the meat market ... and that is exactly what it is .

 

i have skyped with a few and each time was asked to stand up and turn ...so i closed and hit delete ...

 

i could come up with thousand of reasons ... you either have to like it or you dont

for me its just a waste of precious time

[Toodaloo]

OLD is like anything in life.

 

You get out of it what you put in.

 

If you are lax and just flip through you will get nothing from it.

 

If you put in a bit of effort and time you will get something from it.

 

OLD is not the only way to find a date though. There are many ways but most important is to go out and meet people, talk to people and enjoy yourself in your hobbies and social life.

[central]

I haven't used the apps - most of my dating was pre-smartphone!

 

 

Yes, I think OLD has become more superficial, with greater expectation of (or at least hope of) instant gratification. It is harder to make a sincere connection - harder, but far from impossible.

 

 

Absolutely, initial attraction (photos) matters. It opens the door to learning more, but most of the time you find something early on that is a deal breaker. That's true now, and was true years ago. Finding compatibility is a lengthy process, and because of that, it's also a numbers game. There are many, many great people out there on OLD sites, but most aren't going to be compatible.

[Hyperion227]

Largely the problem is the shallowness. I was using POF for a few months and having very little luck. I put a photo up with me standing next to a mate of mine who is very good looking. I didn't think women would get confused because I had 5 other photos of just me, but as it was my profile picture I suddenly got loads of people looking at my profile. I also got a few messages asking which one I was. They disappeared when I told them. I even got a few women ask if my friend was single which I found really offensive. Probably men are just the same, but I think OLD can teach men a lot about how equally lookist women are.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It seems like so many people do OLD and most of them hate it.

From reading threads here the OP posts a problem they are having, whether its that no one is responding, or the person they were talking to ghosted, or whatever and most of the replies are somewhere along the lines of "that's OLD for ya...NEXT"

 

I have never done the apps, I just did the OLD sites and I too have found them very hit and miss. The other day my friend was scrolling through the "dating buffet" on Tinder or Bumble or whatever and it's just constant swiping without knowing much about the person.

 

It all seems so superficial and there is no real investment in getting to know anyone anymore. And he is complaining about not being able to find a good date.

 

So here are my questions:

1. To those that do OLD or the APPs - what are your major issues with it?

2. Since people are so accustomed to this fast paced Swipe right, Swipe left culture, can we ever go back to slowing things down?

 

I just find it so odd that everyone does it but almost everyone still has a hard time connecting with anyone for real.

 

Thoughts?

 

There's a good book out now called "Bowling Alone" which addresses how we've all become unattached in a society that's run electronically.

 

The main buzzword here is "social capital" and how much of it's degrading due to these technologies. It actually cheapens social interaction with others.

 

In fact, Meetup is kind of getting that way too with people joining TONS of meetup groups, but never once attending an event.

 

Putnam warns that our stock of social capital – the very fabric of our connections with each other, has plummeted, impoverishing our lives and communities.

 

no one really wants to commit anymore , you look at peoples profiles and you ask them how long they have been on , and some really have been on for a very long time claiming '' looking for serious relationship ''

 

Right, and sadly after taking a break from online dating for about year, I'd sign back in to see what's out there. Some of the same faces (quite frankly sick of seeing them) are coming up, across multiple online dating platforms.

 

Some are "returns", basically they've come back and announce it, sadly, in their profiles, "Hey, I'm back, trying this again! Didn't have luck last time!"

 

Me: "Well, if you've actually gotten to know me, maybe you would not have been in this situation."

Some put "amendments" to their profiles, complaining about the amount of perverse emails they've received. Of course, they'll not give the gentleman email message a reply.

 

They are rather limited in this small town, figured with their limited geography would make them less picky. Some only date within' their own area, which even further limits their options.

 

I guess they are waiting on a drifter to come in once a year? lol

Edited June 29, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[TigerCub]

Hi Normal_person,

 

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with you that people need to see what the other person looks like and that looks are important, and that then the info about them is considered as well. I think it's my friend's idea that the swiping has just become more of a game, like a time killer, people swipe and "like" people with no real follow up.

 

I really appreciate your feedback on this and I agree that no connection can really be made until people meet and see how they connect and if they have chemistry or not.

 

Fast is convenient but it seems like (from what I'm seeing from my friend and others) - it can just get to be a time killer. But here are people who manage to find their mates and that's good for them.

 

Thanks again. Really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this

[TigerCub]

Largely the problem is the shallowness. I was using POF for a few months and having very little luck. I put a photo up with me standing next to a mate of mine who is very good looking. I didn't think women would get confused because I had 5 other photos of just me, but as it was my profile picture I suddenly got loads of people looking at my profile. I also got a few messages asking which one I was. They disappeared when I told them. I even got a few women ask if my friend was single which I found really offensive. Probably men are just the same, but I think OLD can teach men a lot about how equally lookist women are.

 

I understand what you're saying - it is based on looks (but I kinda get it) since in the beginning there is nothing else initially. Like another poster replied - its like meeting someone at a bar, it will be based on physical attraction.

Not to criticize you, but I too find it weird when people have a profile pic of them and a friend, if I went to their profile and saw 5 pics of them alone, yes I'd figure it out ;P but overall, it's probably not the best way to start.

 

Sorry you got stupid and offensive replies from some of the guys.

 

Thanks so much for the feedback

[SwordofFlame]

Online dating is superficial because photos are all people have to go on when swiping or reading someone's profile. Sometimes even that is inaccurate with people using outdated or misleading photos. I don't believe the content in your profile even matters much. You can have the most interesting profile in the world, but if your real life persona doesn't back that up, you're still going to fail.

[TigerCub]

There's a good book out now called "Bowling Alone" which addresses how we've all become unattached in a society that's run electronically.

 

The main buzzword here is "social capital" and how much of it's degrading due to these technologies. It actually cheapens social interaction with others.

 

In fact, Meetup is kind of getting that way too with people joining TONS of meetup groups, but never once attending an event.

 

Putnam warns that our stock of social capital – the very fabric of our connections with each other, has plummeted, impoverishing our lives and communities.

 

Yes!! I haven't read the book but that is totally what is happening. Everyone is connected online but not in real life. The meetups is a good example or facebook and the amount of "friends" people have in that world and how it is completely not the same reflection of their real lives (for a lot of people)

 

Right, and sadly after taking a break from online dating for about year, I'd sign back in to see what's out there. Some of the same faces (quite frankly sick of seeing them) are coming up, across multiple online dating platforms.

 

Some are "returns", basically they've come back and announce it, sadly, in their profiles, "Hey, I'm back, trying this again! Didn't have luck last time!"

 

Me: "Well, if you've actually gotten to know me, maybe you would not have been in this situation."

Some put "amendments" to their profiles, complaining about the amount of perverse emails they've received. Of course, they'll not give the gentleman email message a reply.

 

They are rather limited in this small town, figured with their limited geography would make them less picky. Some only date within' their own area, which even further limits their options.

 

I guess they are waiting on a drifter to come in once a year? lol

Totally hear ya on the online thing - it gets to be so depressing because I know that somewhere someone out there looks at my pic and thinks to himself 'Oh she's still on here, a year or so older, but still on here too - man I'm sick of seeing her"

 

hehe, I think it's been almost a year now since I quit it, I just need to meet people in the real world.

 

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it

[ChocolateRain]

Online dating is superficial because photos are all people have to go on when swiping or reading someone's profile. Sometimes even that is inaccurate with people using outdated or misleading photos. I don't believe the content in your profile even matters much. You can have the most interesting profile in the world, but if your real life persona doesn't back that up, you're still going to fail.

 

^THis exactly ^

 

i'd say maybe 20% of people still read profiles the rest just look at your pictures .

 

As you have mentioned even most are outdated or even simply Fake !!!

 

i agree with post mentioned above , i think to many people it has just become a game of swipe&go ... some even admit to it ( in my experience ) .

 

Many are married and use the Dating sights for their own agendas

 

it's has become a fake world ...

[TigerCub]

Online dating is superficial because photos are all people have to go on when swiping or reading someone's profile. Sometimes even that is inaccurate with people using outdated or misleading photos. I don't believe the content in your profile even matters much. You can have the most interesting profile in the world, but if your real life persona doesn't back that up, you're still going to fail.

 

Sadly that is true, and most people (including myself to an extent) would argue that this is the way it is in real life - but the only difference is in real life if we get to know someone we may actually find something about them admirable, interesting, likable and that would give them a better chance than it would with the quick glance and not follow up of the OLD culture.

 

I know that people go to meetups and single events, and do OLD, but a lot of the time those things don't really pan out - I just don't know how those who have partners actually managed it.

 

Back in the university and school years, it was much easier to meet people, now it just all seems like a crap shoot.

 

Thanks for your input on this

[TigerCub]

People are usually attracted to someone's looks first. That's why people have pictures on their profiles. And that's why profiles with no pictures are usually ignored.

 

 

 

It's a prequalifier. You get to know them after they know you're not repulsive, you have a decent job, you can write a coherent sentence, etc. That's just the way it is.

 

I've never really had any issues with it. I've found most women to be open, reasonable, outgoing, sometimes aggressive, etc. They're are all women I never would have met otherwise, which is nice.

 

1). My only real gripe is that it's still time consuming. A person can write a novel about themselves but you don't really get a sense of them until you arrange to meet, get dressed up, and get down to the bar/restaurant. You'll probably know if you want to see them again or not within a few minutes but regardless (if you're a guy in America), you're still stuck with the $80+ bill just to figure it out. OLD will be a lot better once one of the sites allows you to include video of yourself.

 

I was re reading your post and I was wondering what did you mean by allow you to post a video of yourself?

Like a single's add video, or video chat?

I thought some sites had that?

 

just curious

[TigerCub]

 

i have skyped with a few and each time was asked to stand up and turn ...so i closed and hit delete ...

Wow!

Stand up and turn

 

Just as bad IMO are the guys that already see all the pictures you have in your profile and when you get to texting phase want another pic of you - it's like if you want to see what I look like (some more) here's a crazy idea, why don't we actually meet in person you tool?!

 

I understand that a lot of people are worried that the pics on the site are not as recent or whatever, but if you want to date this person, just ****in meet them for a cup of coffee instead of collecting pics.

 

As much as I understand attraction, I just don't get this attitude of I want to see you digitally some more instead of the instinct to meet someone and see if you connect in real life.

 

I really don't get it.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this - sorry I went off on a rant

[ChocolateRain]

 

Just as bad IMO are the guys that already see all the pictures you have in your profile and when you get to texting phase want another pic of you

 

Exactly ...same here !!! TBH , i kind of regret sending out pictures ...but i guess this is part of the game ...like facebook the more friends you have the better it looks ( i dont do facebook lol ) so i guess some guy's phones must be loaded with lord knows how many pictures

[MGX]

It seems like so many people do OLD and most of them hate it.

From reading threads here the OP posts a problem they are having, whether its that no one is responding, or the person they were talking to ghosted, or whatever and most of the replies are somewhere along the lines of "that's OLD for ya...NEXT"

 

I have never done the apps, I just did the OLD sites and I too have found them very hit and miss. The other day my friend was scrolling through the "dating buffet" on Tinder or Bumble or whatever and it's just constant swiping without knowing much about the person.

 

It all seems so superficial and there is no real investment in getting to know anyone anymore. And he is complaining about not being able to find a good date.

 

As was said earlier, looks are merely the entry point. You want to be attracted to the person you want to date. Once you get past that, the other things will fall into play.

 

When I was OLD dating on TUBB, my major bullet points were looks, personality and distance. Being attractive was great, but being a geek or gamer was a MAJOR plus in my book--damn near equal with attractiveness. Any woman that I was interested in had to be FUN. Distance too...I didn't like traveling too far. Maybe 15-20 minutes tops. I used to drive for 90 minutes for years. I hated it.

 

So here are my questions:

1. To those that do OLD or the APPs - what are your major issues with it?

I hated when people from 1000 miles away expressed an interest. Why couldn't they be closer? At least there were people out there who dug me. The farther I get from Jersey, the more appeal I had!

 

I also didn't get people (even women) who didn't put any information or pictures in their profiles. How were people going to respond if they didn't have anything to go off of? I would get winks and messages from chicks who had no information. How would I wink back?

 

2. Since people are so accustomed to this fast paced Swipe right, Swipe left culture, can we ever go back to slowing things down?

I didn't do swiping. I preferred the old fashioned method. Put up a profile and eventually you'll come across someone.

[TigerCub]

Hey MGX,

 

Totally hear ya on

looks

profile

distance

 

Oh and the people that say nothing are annoying because - 'where's the effort?'

what can you say back to nothing?

 

oyi

 

Thanks a lot for your input

 

I wish it was more like the "old days" where people actually had something to say and wanted to meet and get to know one another.

[TigerCub]

Exactly ...same here !!! TBH , i kind of regret sending out pictures ...but i guess this is part of the game ...like facebook the more friends you have the better it looks ( i dont do facebook lol ) so i guess some guy's phones must be loaded with lord knows how many pictures

 

Haha...exactly! Those guys aren't looking to meet someone and try for a real relationship, they're just weirdo collectors.

[phineas]

May on OLD - Nada.

June - NADA until literally last week.

But, results are one tinder girl who doesn't want to meet but wants my attention.

I've stopped initiating yet she keeps contacting me. this one will be fun as I pull away from her and take longer to respond. I believe i can get her to chase me.

 

One POF girl who does want to meet.

An okcupid girl i've just started talking too.

 

Granted i did just update my pics showing me at a tropical destination wedding and other recent pics of me in my best shape yet this summer.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I recall a long time ago, when certain dating sites that were popular, but now no longer in existence or "absorbed" by other companies, this one woman on a site that was a Christian seeking a Christian. At the time, online dating wasn't that popular, but there was a local large church that had a singles group that was pretty popular at the time and I would sometimes go to their events back in the day.

 

I mentioned this particular church to her, and she said she has been there, but found the men there to be...shy/awkward and/or unattractive. Or sometimes overwhelming when they approached her.

 

She just wasn't comfortable and said she found online dating to be a more viable option than those real life events at church, because you're a captured audience...and if you scan the room and see people that your'e not attracted to in attendance...well, just save the Bible studying for home I suppose and jump on board the online dating train.

 

No more getting caught at the refreshment table with a guy that you aren't attracted to, talking to you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I've also heard of situations where men were approached by women on these sites who were desperate for having their bills/rent paid. No joke, this does happen.

 

I had a woman from POF suggest she move in with me as she was desperately seeking a place to live. lol

 

You can kind of read between the lines the end game would be.

[LookAtThisPOst]

When I was OLD dating on TUBB, my major bullet points were looks, personality and distance. Being attractive was great, but being a geek or gamer was a MAJOR plus in my book--damn near equal with attractiveness. Any woman that I was interested in had to be FUN. Distance too...I didn't like traveling too far. Maybe 15-20 minutes tops

 

ONLY 15/20 mins? To me that's the vehicular equivalent to walking a few doors down to borrow some sugar.

 

If I could ONLY find a girlfriend that lived 15/20 mins away, that would be my salvation! lol

 

Geeks and gamer girls would be great, if they weren't already spoken for. Seems every convention or "geek themed' comic shop event I go to, couples are in attendance. If they are single, they are usually college-aged, not even old enough to buy them a drink.

[PegNosePete]

Online dating is superficial because photos are all people have to go on when swiping or reading someone's profile. Sometimes even that is inaccurate with people using outdated or misleading photos. I don't believe the content in your profile even matters much. You can have the most interesting profile in the world, but if your real life persona doesn't back that up, you're still going to fail.

I look at it like a horse race.

 

Pictures are the first fence they have to jump over. If you have bad pics, most will not get past the first hurdle. If you have great pics (ie. a low fence) then most will jump over it and move on to the next part.

 

Profile text is the second fence. If you have a bad profile text, even those who get past the first fence will fall here.

 

What you're saying is basically, if you have a tall first fence, it doesn't matter how low your 2nd fence is, because most won't get past the first fence anyway. That's true enough. But if your 2nd fence SUCKS, even if you lower the first fence (ie. improve your pics), they still won't get to the finish line, because they will still fall at the 2nd.

 

If you want anyone to get to the finish line, you need to have great pics AND great profile text.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If you have bad pics, most will not get past the first hurdle.

 

I hear this a lot, but I think there's some clarification needed here.

 

I can understand how grainy, low-light photos can get overlooked and "swiped" away. I've even seen people take pictures of their FRAMED photos sitting on a shelf. LOL

 

But, when if the person is actually unattractive in the picture. Say, a bald guy or has a big nose (just giving an example). Sure his/her double chins are seen nice and clearly, but doesn't mean it'll make others throw themselves at them.

 

If the person thinks you're ugly, picture quality won't matter.