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Is it overwhelming for ladies in bars?


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When guys try to talk to you is it just too much with all the people around? Is it too loud for you? Are there too many guys coming at you all at once?

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The few times I manage to get to a bar with a girlfriend, we've generally left our husbands at home and are out for a gossip and catch up. We're not looking for men, so it's simply annoying to have men approaching us - especially men who want to continue talking after we've indicated a complete lack of interest.

 

At the very least, you'd think a guy would wait for eye contact and a smile before making an approach. But apparently not.

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When guys try to talk to you is it just too much with all the people around? Is it too loud for you? Are there too many guys coming at you all at once?

IME, over the decades, ladies in those situations, mostly, handle men pretty well. I'd kind of stand back and smile and watch my exW handle them. She was a pro :D

 

I recall a female friend taking me out for my BD and we ended up closing a bar after and was surprised, considering how hot she was considered around these parts and real life didn't disappoint, that no men, not a single one, came up to her while we were there. I mean we were there for probably two hours and it was a blue collar bar so a bit coarse. Fascinating. Completely underwhelming. I figured I'd be flicking them off with a stick :D

 

I've pretty much seen the same thing at bars and pubs I've gone to around the world. No big deal. For some, maybe. I just never experienced it.

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The few times I manage to get to a bar with a girlfriend, we've generally left our husbands at home and are out for a gossip and catch up. We're not looking for men, so it's simply annoying to have men approaching us - especially men who want to continue talking after we've indicated a complete lack of interest.

 

At the very least, you'd think a guy would wait for eye contact and a smile before making an approach. But apparently not.

 

I figured as much.

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LookAtThisPOst
IME, over the decades, ladies in those situations, mostly, handle men pretty well. I'd kind of stand back and smile and watch my exW handle them. She was a pro :D

 

I recall a female friend taking me out for my BD and we ended up closing a bar after and was surprised, considering how hot she was considered around these parts and real life didn't disappoint, that no men, not a single one, came up to her while we were there. I mean we were there for probably two hours and it was a blue collar bar so a bit coarse. Fascinating. Completely underwhelming. I figured I'd be flicking them off with a stick :D

 

I've pretty much seen the same thing at bars and pubs I've gone to around the world. No big deal. For some, maybe. I just never experienced it.

 

A town like that it makes she didn't get approached. Those towns are more "settle down and raise a family" town. That's the mindset.

 

In a bigger city she'd likely be approached.

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Girlfromcali

If you are there to gossip with a girlfriend and not looking for any hookups, then yes it's annoying.

 

However, if you're single and having fun, then it's o.k.

 

But how are the guys supposed to always know? I wouldn't hold it against them for approaching. More power to them if they feel confident enough to approach. I know it's not easy for guys so I try to be nice regardless.

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When guys try to talk to you is it just too much with all the people around? Is it too loud for you? Are there too many guys coming at you all at once?

 

 

The answer to this will vary from woman to woman. Some people do not like the bar scene or talking to strangers. Others thrive on it. Most women I knew when I was 18 -- 24 got off on the attention. The more the better. It was like a competition to see who could commandeer the most attention from the most men.

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I think it's not hard to tell who wants to be approached. Women who look around a lot, perhaps with more than one other woman (ie they might be out to party rather than catch up), if the venue is more of a party venue, etc. If you can see that they keep looking at men. Try to move within their line of vision.

 

When it's a quieter setting, the women are focused on a conversation and don't seem to notice much of the rest of the world are not the times to approach.

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If you are there to gossip with a girlfriend and not looking for any hookups, then yes it's annoying.

 

However, if you're single and having fun, then it's o.k.

 

But how are the guys supposed to always know? I wouldn't hold it against them for approaching. More power to them if they feel confident enough to approach. I know it's not easy for guys so I try to be nice regardless.

 

The clue in knowing that a girl is open to being approached is her response when he catches her eye. If she smiles and perhaps says Hi then she's interested. If she registers nothing and goes back to whatever she was doing, then it's a No. Or at least, that's how I am.

 

My degree of rudeness would directly correspond to how assertive I needed to be to get rid of them. Generally speaking, if he takes a (smiling) 'no - sorry' for an answer then I agree that there's no need for rudeness. However, a more blunt refusal can be required if they don't back off.

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hasaquestion
I think it's not hard to tell who wants to be approached. Women who look around a lot, perhaps with more than one other woman (ie they might be out to party rather than catch up), if the venue is more of a party venue, etc.

 

The clue in knowing that a girl is open to being approached is her response when he catches her eye. If she smiles and perhaps says Hi then she's interested. If she registers nothing and goes back to whatever she was doing, then it's a No. Or at least, that's how I am

 

In other words...

(1) Does she want to be approached in general, yes or no?

(2) If so does she want to be approached by you in particular, yes or no?

It's not rocket science.

 

You often hear talk about how the human body is designed to perform athletically, and how modern shoes and desks warp our bodies and develop muscle imbalances. People are born flexible and are conditioned to be inflexible as they get older.

 

I think you see the same atrophy in social situations. The complexities of etiquette, technology, self-esteem, navel-gazing, etc. make people lose sight of the most simple human interaction. People are born to understand each other and are conditioned not to. They can't talk to each other and can't even look for a smile.

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hasaquestion
I think it's not hard to tell who wants to be approached. Women who look around a lot, perhaps with more than one other woman (ie they might be out to party rather than catch up), if the venue is more of a party venue, etc. If you can see that they keep looking at men. Try to move within their line of vision.

 

When it's a quieter setting, the women are focused on a conversation and don't seem to notice much of the rest of the world are not the times to approach.

 

I'd suggest that if someone is trying to meet women at a party venue the best place to be, other than the dance floor, is chatting as close to the drink line as possible without actually being in line or being obnoxious. Crowd the bar area. It doesn't help the bar run smoothly but there's always people milling there and back. And for some strange reason, being in the way makes for a good icebreaker.

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LookAtThisPOst

I'd be kind of curious as to why a someone would go to bar venue and NOT be open to being approached? I mean, all you are all doing is sitting around and drinking? Why not also get to know each other while you're there?

 

If you're not wanting to be sociable, just invite your friends over to your house to drink and listen to music.

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hasaquestion
I'd be kind of curious as to why a someone would go to bar venue and NOT be open to being approached? I mean, all you are all doing is sitting around and drinking? Why not also get to know each other while you're there?

 

If you're not wanting to be sociable, just invite your friends over to your house to drink and listen to music.

 

Because you want to socialize with the person you came with and not anyone else, and the bar is a nice place to do it? I don't know about you but most bars have a much nicer ambiance than my kitchen.

 

To add to the thought in that last post - that particular location is a good 'eye contact farming' spot for lack of a better word.

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LookAtThisPOst
Because you want to socialize with the person you came with and not anyone else, and the bar is a nice place to do it? I don't know about you but most bars have a much nicer ambiance than my kitchen.

 

To add to the thought in that last post - that particular location is a good 'eye contact farming' spot for lack of a better word.

 

I never do bars anyway as most bars I've been in when I was younger, people weren't making eye contact and focused on their circle of friends they came with.

 

Now, unless you actually become bar regular there, you may find yourself welcomed to their group based on familiarity.

 

I think this is how Meetup.com came into being, as with bars, people aren't in the frame of mind to be approached, whereas with arranged, scheduled gatherings people are there as well as women there expect to be approached.

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A town like that it makes she didn't get approached. Those towns are more "settle down and raise a family" town. That's the mindset.

 

In a bigger city she'd likely be approached.

It was a suburb of Philadelphia, PA. The commuter train station was around the corner. I assessed as blue collar based on the clientele, barkeeps and who was hanging out at the many pool tables. It was like The Hustler (movie) without suits. :D

 

Come to think of it, the whole place was pretty relaxed, not a lot of heavy hitting going on at all, and there were a bunch of ladies there. The lady I was there with was a regular, she said. It was the usual hangout near her apartment. Heh, she had no problem handling men either. If anything, it would be the guys who were overwhelmed.

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hasaquestion
I never do bars anyway as most bars I've been in when I was younger, people weren't making eye contact and focused on their circle of friends they came with.

 

Now, unless you actually become bar regular there, you may find yourself welcomed to their group based on familiarity.

 

I think this is how Meetup.com came into being, as with bars, people aren't in the frame of mind to be approached, whereas with arranged, scheduled gatherings people are there as well as women there expect to be approached.

 

"Bars" is a very general term. I think we have different types of establishment in mind. There are bars that are "going out" bars and there are bars you go to sit down.

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LookAtThisPOst
"Bars" is a very general term. I think we have different types of establishment in mind. There are bars that are "going out" bars and there are bars you go to sit down.

 

I've been to both types, both of which had the same characteristics, regardless.

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hasaquestion
I've been to both types, both of which had the same characteristics, regardless.

 

Maybe it's a geographical thing. The notion of someone walking into Ned Devine's or the Lansdowne Pub and finding no one who wants to be approached is mind-bending to me.

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All the guys in random bars (like that don't have a regular crowd who all know each other) are just looking at the two hottest girls in the room and the rest get ignored unless they're foolish enough to still be standing around or are so drunk they're easy to stuff into a car. It's pretty much a myth that girls are swarmed on in bars.

 

I have only see it happen literally twice. One was a college-aged very stiff kind of Hitchcock blond, very odd body language, and I saw an old guy I know twice her age trying to lead her out once she got so drunk she wasn't dancing well. Fortunately her friends swooped in and snatched her before I had to call the police on that deluded old geezer.

 

The other was when there was one petite but certainly not particularly attractive woman who was the ONLY person in front of the band dancing like she had the heebie-jeebies, and that time, which was late, I saw a bunch of sneaky looking beta males begin to encircle her like a pack of wolves, hoping she'd tip their way and they'd catch her, I guess. It was obnoxious all around. It's sad that there are so many men who know they are too fearful to talk to a girl who isn't yet unconscious. Seriously. That's pathetic and necro.

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I'd be kind of curious as to why a someone would go to bar venue and NOT be open to being approached? I mean, all you are all doing is sitting around and drinking? Why not also get to know each other while you're there?

 

If you're not wanting to be sociable, just invite your friends over to your house to drink and listen to music.

 

I go to this bar/club pretty regularly. My best friend works there and I go to meet up with him. A lot of the time, he has to do his job and I'm left alone, which is absolutely fine. I chat to the staff or other people I know. But there are times when I am on my own and almost inevitably, I'm approached by someone. And I find it uncomfortable, because I'm there to hang out with my friend, not to be chatted up by some guy.

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When guys try to talk to you is it just too much with all the people around? Is it too loud for you? Are there too many guys coming at you all at once?

 

Bit of a tangent but a pet peeve of mine is when guys do this when I'm out with women. It's not that they don't understand I'm with them - we give off all the obvs couple/date body language - it's because of it. As if two women together is a clear indication of wanting the involvement of a third party guy. :rolleyes:

 

My degree of rudeness would directly correspond to how assertive I needed to be to get rid of them. Generally speaking, if he takes a (smiling) 'no - sorry' for an answer then I agree that there's no need for rudeness. However, a more blunt refusal can be required if they don't back off.

 

Ha - sometimes I have to go to great lengths to chase them off in the circumstances I mentioned above. ;)

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LookAtThisPOst
And I find it uncomfortable, because I'm there to hang out with my friend, not to be chatted up by some guy.

 

But yet, your'e friend is working. That makes no sense. Hanging out with a friend that's working, but yet don't like people approaching as you're stuck there alone anyway?

 

I don't get it.

 

You're better off staying at home and waiting until your friend gets off work and then you could go hang.

 

This is another reason I don't do bars, because the contradictory nature of people in public/social situations. This is why Meetups are more favorable, because people are actually THERE to make friends. You hardly ever go to a Meetup to be left alone. You'll get very little attitude at events where people are actually THERE to make friends/get to know each other.

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hasaquestion
But yet, your'e friend is working. That makes no sense. Hanging out with a friend that's working, but yet don't like people approaching as you're stuck there alone anyway?

 

I don't get it.

 

You're better off staying at home and waiting until your friend gets off work and then you could go hang.

 

This is another reason I don't do bars, because the contradictory nature of people in public/social situations. This is why Meetups are more favorable, because people are actually THERE to make friends. You hardly ever go to a Meetup to be left alone. You'll get very little attitude at events where people are actually THERE to make friends/get to know each other.

 

I guess I just fail to see what's so hard about approaching people who are there to be approached, not approaching people who aren't there to be approached, erring on the side of hello, and cutting the conversation off if they aren't interested. ASG probably sits at the bar, it's not like she's milling around where everyone is dancing or something.

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I guess I just fail to see what's so hard about approaching people who are there to be approached, not approaching people who aren't there to be approached, erring on the side of hello, and cutting the conversation off if they aren't interested. ASG probably sits at the bar, it's not like she's milling around where everyone is dancing or something.

 

Or sitting there with her legs spread and wearing a smile. ;)

 

You're right about basic perception - if you (anyone) opens there eyes, it's not actually hard to see if someone's approachable or not. And why would you want to approach someone who isn't?

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LookAtThisPOst
Or sitting there with her legs spread and wearing a smile. ;)

 

You're right about basic perception - if you (anyone) opens there eyes, it's not actually hard to see if someone's approachable or not. And why would you want to approach someone who isn't?

 

It's been my experience that most people I've encountered in such venues don't want to be approached. Perhaps it's my community I suppose. That's why I seek out events where people ARE opened at all times to being approached.

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