hbpencils Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 OK, so this is hard for me to say, but i really could do with some advice. So, i'm over 40 and never had a boyfriend, i have guy friends, but they've never been interested in me, I go out with my girl friends and on holidays with them and when we're in bars, men just seem to go to my friends, i smile and try to be flirty, but nothing seems to happen. I've spent my life in specific job and recently a gentleman whom i've known for around 3 years has come back in to my life. 3 years ago this gentleman started visiting my pace of work to help out and i fell for him, at the time he had a partner, so wasn't available for me, but we struck up a friendship, 2 years ago he split with his partner, but is helping out at my place of work again and all the feeling i felt for him have come back, actually they never went away. We clicked sort of instantly, but i could never talk to him or hold any conversation, i would just stare at him and all my colleagues would giggle and laugh around him and i would be in the background, jealous and feeling possessive of him. During the first year of us knowing each other he did nice things, not just for where i work, but for me, he would wish me a nice lunch, he would buy me and my colleagues chocolates to share, he's a very good natured person, respectful and caring. He's travelled and helped the poorest people in the world, he's an academic and love the outdoors, he works hard and enjoys his leisure time, for me the perfect man. He was helping my place of work for 2 years and during that time he innocently asked me to lunch, i rejected him and the reason i rejected him was because he was talking to one of my colleagues before he asked me and i got very nasty and i was very jealous that he had talked to my colleague before me. After that he wouldn't try and talk to me, he would look away from me and basically ignore me, but he didn't talk to my colleagues either, he just did his job and i felt really sad, i could have had a lovely lunch, which was just lunch. when he split with his partner he went to work in another part of the country, i found out where he was from Facebook and i tried to visit him, but when i visited the town, i didn't see him, i would presume i wasn't there at the right time. After that another chance encounter came, my gentleman was having beers in a pub across the road from my house, i don't think he knew where i lived, he had friends that were local to me, i bottled going into the pub and talking to me. then a few months after he came back to my town to see friends and i found out from them when he would be there, so i got myself all dressed up and actually put make up on for him, i never usually wear make up, i saw him in the street as he was going to meet his friends, again there was a female friend with him and local people were talking to him, i got jealous and bottled it. Now he is back at my place of work, i still can't really talk to him, i freeze up and nothing comes out of my mouth, he's still the same lovely gentleman, although he has gained a few achievements, the most i've ever done is when he sat next to me is put my leg next to his for contact and i did try to hold his hand one time, but bottled it again. I don't know what to do and he's single, i think i need some advice on how to encourage him to ask me out again and not feeling jealous if he talks to other women? All my friends and colleagues say he firmly has his eyes on me, but i have not experience with men, so i don't know how to be with him, i get stressed and nervous when he is around, butterflies in my tummy and i just sit there frozen. If anyone can offer any advice, please do. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) [] Nothing works better than the truth. Just say these three simple sentences to him. Tell him that you were to shy to accept lunch with him in the past. You have regretted since then. Would he accept your late acceptance from you and take you out on a date. If I was single I would have no problem going on a date with a woman that I fancied if she asked me to take her out on a date. Edited April 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quote of preceding post ~6 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 What road said. Exactly that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 thanks, will it matter if i blush and seem quiet? I'm not very loud around him, compared to my other colleagues. i will give it a go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) No, it won't matter if you blush and appear shy. Just be yourself. You can be shy and quietly bold at the same time Edited April 12, 2016 by Satu 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 All my friends and colleagues say he firmly has his eyes on me If this is the case then you should say or do something. Blushing would be perfect - it's sweet and lovely to see from someone so don't worry about that at all! You gotta keep a check on jealousy though. He is just another human being like you are who likes to be nice and kind to people. If he has eyes for you like your friends say then he is likely nice to all around you so that you will see he is a friendly guy - but you won't have thought of it that way around. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 I hadn't thought of it that way Gemma, thanks. i thought he was being nice to my colleagues because he fancied them or wanted their attention. Anyway moving on, we had an opportunity at lunch today and despite me sitting their with my sandwich, my gentleman came over and sat next to me, our colleagues were all giggling and smiling, so i started blushing, he was quite relaxed, he seemed a bit nervous. I put my leg next to his so i could feel his leg on mine, he asked me how my morning was and i looked down and mumbled "fine thank you." He was being his usual chatterbox self, so whilst looking down i mumbled "sorry!", he then asked what for, so i said sorry for being nasty last time and i would like to go out for lunch sometime, if he still wanted to? He leaned a bit closer and said, yes that would be lovely. It didn't register for a moment, whilst he said yes, all i could think of was i look a mess, no makeup and why would you want to be with me. He did share his biscuit with me, which i thought was sweet. So we've arranged to go out tomorrow evening, now i don't know what to wear, since i've never had a boyfriend, i don't own lingerie or anything, i have some nice going out clothes. The nice thing he said was, i just need to relax and be myself with him. plus he said there is no expectations from him and sex is off the agenda, he wants something real and not a fling. Fingers crossed i don't blow the date with my jealousy! 16 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 hbpencils, Wow! You're doing great with him! I can imagine he was quite charmed when you told him sorry and that you'd like to go out with him! Please come back and update! I'm cheering for you and this man! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Good luck with the date. You have got to learn to contain yourself about the jealousy, though. It's too desperate, you know? Not becoming. Do start wearing some makeup. Maybe get someone at the cosmetic counter somewhere to show you how. And wear something feminine and showing some part but not every part!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 16, 2016 Author Share Posted April 16, 2016 Thanks everyone, the date was perfect, well almost. He was the perfect gentleman, he picked me up, we drove to the restaurant, on the way he sang along to some love songs, which i thought was nice and helped me relax. He opened my door for me and offered me his arm, which i took gladly, i was nervous as anything and didn't want to mess up. My outfit, i decided on trousers, heels and a silky top, not much cleavage, but he liked it, going into the restaurant, he lightly brushed his hand on my top as he held the door for me and sort of guided me in, i was happy. The waitress though after she showed us to our table, took our drinks order, then the food order, i didn't know where to put my hands, so i copied him and put them above the table, we chatted and when our food came that was nice, but after a while whilst we were eating the waitress kept coming over to ask if we were ok, every 2 minutes, which started to bother me. I took a deep breath, my gentleman kept looking at me, this whole waitress thing didn't seem to phase him and after the 6th time of her coming over, i could see he was starting to get agitated and he took my hands, locked his fingers into mine and stroked the side of my fingers, i started smiling and he smiled at me, looked into my eyes, which was nice. I contained my jealousy and tried not to let it boil over, once our meal was over, he suggested we go to a local beauty spot, outside the restaurant he said "he thought the waitress had been a bit rude and once or twice is enough to ask if everything is ok". this put my mind at ease, i thought she was trying to ruin my date. At the beauty spot, he took a blanket out of the car and put it around me, we talked and it was nice, we talked about his life and my life, i noticed though he would always look into my eyes, not staring, but nice and he listened to me. At the end of our date, he took me home, no cheesy stuff. i did ask if he would like to have coffee and chat some more and he said No, he would prefer to wait for another date, if that is what i would like. he kissed me on the cheek and i was smiling and it felt good. I did manage to put some make-up on for the date and most of my fears which were revolving around sex were alleviated. he was a lovely gentleman and we plan to have the day together this weekend. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron007 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Wonderful news hbpencils! Kudos to you for being bold enough to speak your mind to your gentleman, and great to hear your date went well! You're doing great...keep us posted, we will be here cheering you on!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I'm sorry, I take back what I said earlier OP, and yes I guess this whole thread goes to show you that women can end up never having a relationship, because I know I've said a thousand times before it seems men are more likely than women to end up as either a 25+, or 30+ year old person without having had a relationship before, either women advertise it less, who knows, but anyway I'm sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 16, 2016 Author Share Posted April 16, 2016 I didn't see your original post, what happened for me to not date up until this point was not because of not advertising myself, more my friends being more attractive or out going, when i was 20 i was wanting to find a man, that didn't happen and then i got to 30, still no man and now 40, i have a man, who i really like and have known him for a while. I guess when i rejected him the first time, he got me experiencing emotions and feelings that i had locked away and chosen to forgot about and i felt awkward, but i'm starting to relax with him. He's quite touchy, feely and i like it. But i never thought i would meet someone, it's luck or fate, i don't know or maybe his feelings never changed for me, i can't say. Over the years i just blocked out a relationship, concentrated on my job, dreaded going to parties and family gatherings when the dreaded words and questions would come up about boyfriends and why i don't have one. I'm looking forward to the future, that word "Virgin" will soon be no more, i hope and i can experience more things. But for me, this whole dating thing isn't as scary as i thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I'm sorry, I take back what I said earlier OP, and yes I guess this whole thread goes to show you that women can end up never having a relationship, because I know I've said a thousand times before it seems men are more likely than women to end up as either a 25+, or 30+ year old person without having had a relationship before, either women advertise it less, who knows, but anyway I'm sorry Right, never thought I'd see the day a post would show up here when I saw a woman having this kind of problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 OP: I'm really happy that your date went so well You made my day! He sounds like a true gentleman. Enjoy your upcoming dates 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 16, 2016 Author Share Posted April 16, 2016 You will probably find there is lots of women in the same situation as me, they just don't want to admit it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 I'm sure there are lots of women like you. And probably most older women are in the situation of being alone, and most just make the best of it. Glad it went well! You've got to stop worrying about waitresses. Their job is to come by and check on your frequently. I agree it can be too much and it will vary by restaurant. Feel free to speak up and say "I think we have everything we need" and maybe she'll take the hint. I hate the ones who top off my tea constantly, making me have to adjust the sweetening. I will put my hand over the glass if I see them coming. I'm curious. What female do you know who was so untrustworthy to make you so suspicious and jealous? Was it a parent or sibling or a friend or what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 16, 2016 Author Share Posted April 16, 2016 The problem I had with the waitress is that she kept smiling at my gentleman, she didn't really look at me, so I thought she was trying to grab his attention. My gentleman is a bit younger than me. The jealousy started with a sibling and some friends, if I liked a guy they would say they need to check him out, my sibling did this with my gentleman, a few years ago they met and he met my parents at a coffee morning, I tried to attend the coffee morning but I bottled it and hid in my car and wore sunglasses. My sibling tried to grab his attention and he wouldn't give it to her, she got quite nasty with him. Really with the checking the guy out, if he was what they wanted they would take the guy I liked for themselves. When I go on holidays with friends, they go off with guys and I end up on the beach on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 16, 2016 Share Posted April 16, 2016 Well, a couple of tips to help with that. First of all, if a waitress is paying more attention to the man, it's because she is after his money, not because she wants him. For all you know, she's either married or has a steady boyfriend. You can't let friends stick around who actively try to poach men from you. Now it's not their fault if men just naturally gravitate to them. Trust me, I had a big-boobed blond roommate once. No amount of jealousy or monitoring and checking up on can prevent a man from cheating if he is going to cheat, and all it will do is ruin the relationship if you are constantly on him about those things or checking up on him or worrying about it. You will create your worst fear, I promise you. You have to get to a point where if they stray that easily, you simply understand that this wasn't the right person for you. Because there will always be women everywhere he goes and men are not blind to beauty, no matter how attached they are, so the whole key is whether or not it is in their character to hurt or betray someone. It must be their principles that stop them, regardless of who you are. I think if you're honest you'll acknowledge that part of the problem in the past is that others around you have been more outgoing, whereas you have stepped back and been quiet, leaving interested men little choice but to gravitate toward the ones that look the friendliest and most at ease. If you'd learn to plaster a big smile on your face during those times, it will make you look approachable at least. Don't tell your siblings or friends about guys you are interested in. Keep it a secret until you are in a committed relationship. There are women who will move in on them, yes. But if you tell them some guy is great and nice, you're just asking for it. And don't keep friends who do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbpencils Posted April 17, 2016 Author Share Posted April 17, 2016 Thanks for the advice, i don't think this gentleman is the cheating type or anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 Didn't the OP say that she knows of other women in her situation as well? Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 Hehe, this is sweet. Just take everything at face value for now. Enjoy the process, don't fall too hard or deep yet. You're still learning. Jealousy is a problem...it stems from lacking confidence and not loving yourself. So work on that. If you're too needy, you can set yourself up to fail or to be messed around with. But...you've gotta think to yourself...I PULLED MY GENTLEMAN!!! Enjoy life now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 You will probably find there is lots of women in the same situation as me, they just don't want to admit it. really? you have known women around your age who have never had a relationship before? Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 really? you have known women around your age who have never had a relationship before? I hear there's a bunch in Japan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
suzyhodge Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 really? you have known women around your age who have never had a relationship before? I have known quite a few; however, it really isn't a contest. I am very glad for you, OP, that you took a risk and it seems to be going well. Just enjoy it moment by moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts