Crushing hard on a coworker

[Gary E]

I've been debating about writing this post for a while now. I've finally decided to just do it because I figure I can use all the help I can get.

 

Late last summer I started a new job (well, actually it's the second time I've worked there, long story, but anyway...) I was attracted to "Nicole" the first time I saw her, but due to the nature of the job it's hard to socialize with people at the office. However I found out there was a movie we both liked so I would occasionally send her an email with a little joke from that movie. However, when I "friended" some people at the job on Facebook I sent her a friend request, and she never responded. So I thought, "Well so much for that idea," though in all fairness she wasn't the only one who did that; and in fairness I myself generally don't "friend" someone I don't know that well either. Around this same time I came across her profile on an online dating site, so I took that as a hopeful sign she was single.

 

https://youtu.be/MmKUw0c_jMw

 

As time has gone on, I've found myself more and more attracted to her. She is just so cute and adorable, with a big heart. BUT when it comes to dating there is one hard and fast rule I always follow: I do NOT date (or even ask out) people I work with. I have a hard enough time being rejected by people I rarely see, so I can't imagine what it would be like getting rejected by someone I see on a daily basis. Call me immature (I'm almost 40,) call me too sensitive, call me Joe Pesci, I have never handled rejection well. Not to mention there are any number of things that can go wrong when dating or trying to date a coworker. And as if the situation weren't dangerous enough, she recently got promoted to a supervisor position in the department.

 

I recently interviewed for another job at a different company and I thought it would be the answer to everything. I'm not very fond of my current job and this other one was far more "up my alley" if you will; plus if I was at a different job I could ask Nicole out as I was leaving. However I didn't get the job . So now I just sit there every day, stealing looks at her every chance I get. There's been a few times that she gave me some additional attention that I thought were her way of sending me signals, but when I mentioned it to friends, some of them said, "Well if she's a supervisor now, she's probably trying to give everyone extra attention, so be careful what you read into it."

 

Some of my friends, on the other hand, tell me to just go for it. "So what if you work with her?" They think I'm crazy for not asking her out, even when I tell them what I said in the penultimate paragraph.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. From talking with her I've learned that we have some mutual interests, and I think even if we didn't wind up in a relationship it might be nice just to be friends with her outside of work. But I don't know how to ask her if she'd like to meet outside of work without it seeming like I'm asking her out... ugh. I'm probably just too sensitive in that regard, but I am what I am.

 

Another thing about it is, I know I shouldn't play the "what if?" game, but I'm not very fond of this job anyway and I want to move on, and I'm thinking that moving on will be literal - I think I need to move out of this area and get a fresh start. I got divorced a few years ago and this was supposed to be my "transitional point," I moved back here to be near friends and a built-in support network, but I never meant it to be permanent. And I can't help but think that, somewhere deep inside, I'm attracted to her because I want to have an "anchor" keeping me here so I have an excuse not to venture out into the big, bad world. That's kinda what happened in my marriage; or maybe I'm oversimplifying it too. Maybe I'm overthinking everything. But the truth is for years I've been trying to "find myself" and I don't think I can do it here. I should really be seeing a therapist but I have lousy insurance right now (another reason I want to find a different job.)

 

But I mean... I really have feelings for her. Yesterday I was sitting at my desk and I looked up and I saw her standing at someone else's desk nearby and oh MAN I wanted to just get up and walk over there and put my arms around her.

 

Thoughts?

[newmoon]

been down this road and it never ends well. you have your age - 40 - in your favor, so you KNOW that you need to be mature and careful in your situation. there is nothing wrong with starting a FRIENDSHIP with her while you are still there, but it is seriously best to leave any romantic interest until you (or she) departs the company. as a work-friend you can actually get farther anyway. by chatting w/her more frequently as a friend you might find she isn't all that (or confirm she is). start out with some 'let's get coffee on break together sometime' and then go get coffee and make her pay. it's co-workers, not a date keep it friendly and when you do get another position, you can express interest. and quit stalking her online.. digging up her online profile to determine whether you have a shot is creepy imo. that's the type of thing you could easily ask her/find out normally through friendly chats.

[Gary E]

I think you misunderstood, I was not "stalking her online." What happened was when I started working there and added new friends, she popped up in my "People You May Know" list because we now had some mutual friends, so I sent her a friend request. And finding her on the dating site was just coincidence, I was looking through listings of women in my area and she's in my area. Not too long after that I got frustrated with the online dating thing anyway and deleted all my accounts so I don't even know if she's still on there.

[Popsicle]

It's easy to feel lonely sometimes. I say #1 Definitely move someplace else, but not because of your crush, but because it good to have a change of scenery sometimes. I am due for one myself. And #2 it's harder for a superior to ask a subordinate out, than vice versa, due to sexual harassment policy and stuff. There is less risk for the subordinate. So politely ask her out, and more importantly, if she rejects you, take it well in front of her and move right on. Don't linger and keep trying or get pissy with her. Keep being professional and work well with her.

[Popsicle]

I think you misunderstood, I was not "stalking her online." What happened was when I started working there and added new friends, she popped up in my "People You May Know" list because we now had some mutual friends, so I sent her a friend request. And finding her on the dating site was just coincidence, I was looking through listings of women in my area and she's in my area. Not too long after that I got frustrated with the online dating thing anyway and deleted all my accounts so I don't even know if she's still on there.

 

You did nothing wrong. It's not stalking to look at someone's FB profile and even if you did look, every does it. (Looks)

[Gary E]

Definitely move someplace else, but not because of your crush, but because it good to have a change of scenery sometimes. I am due for one myself.

 

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. If I move away, I definitely won't be asking her out because I'm not into the long-distance thing.

 

Oh, and thanks for the response too.

[Popsicle]

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. If I move away, I definitely won't be asking her out because I'm not into the long-distance thing.

 

Oh, and thanks for the response too.

 

No problem.

 

Okay, then the best option is probably to move away

[truth_seeker]

You did nothing wrong. It's not stalking to look at someone's FB profile and even if you did look, every does it. (Looks)

 

I don't know why people make a big deal out of looking at someone's social media profile. If it's out there for all to see, then what's the problem? If I don't want someone looking at my profile, I wouldn't have one.

[Gary E]

Believe me, folks, there is a big line between looking at someone's FB page and cyber-stalking. A friend of mine is being cyber-stalked by her boyfriend's soon-to-be ex-wife and the harassment is getting so bad they've been collecting it and giving it to his lawyer.

 

Anyway, to get back to what Popsicle was saying, I spent hours last night looking at websites, etc., trying to figure out if I want to go back to school or just try to get a better job in what I'm already trained in and have a natural talent for anyways.

[preraph]

If she was the least bit interested in you, she would have accepted your Facebook friend request. Game over.

[Gary E]

If she was the least bit interested in you, she would have accepted your Facebook friend request. Game over.

 

Does anyone else concur with preraph?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Just from what you wrote, there is probably a 95% chance that she will never date you. When you see somebody on an almost daily basis like at work, it kind of comes out who you mesh with and who would want to hang out with after work, let alone date you. If you don't have that by now, you probably won't.

 

That said, you only live once. If you don't even like your job anyway, just do it. Who cares what people say? As long as she is the type you think will be mature about rejecting you.

 

I actually work with a woman that I asked out many years ago (very awkwardly I might add) at a training function for our industry. She never brought it up to anybody that we work with (as far as I know) and we co-exist fine.

Edited February 14, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[newmoon]

I don't know why people make a big deal out of looking at someone's social media profile. If it's out there for all to see, then what's the problem? If I don't want someone looking at my profile, I wouldn't have one.

 

where is the part where he said FB?... he said he ran across her while browsing a dating website and also on some other work-associated thing. i have yet to run across anyone i know locally on a dating website - he'd need to be looking exactly for someone who fits her general description, and putting in height/weight requirements and etc. i find it rather unrealistic that she just 'popped up' while he was browsing about in his zip code for dates... he's crushing hard, so he was looking hard for intel on her. we all do it, but own up to it...

[truth_seeker]

If she was the least bit interested in you, she would have accepted your Facebook friend request. Game over.

 

I tend to agree. She knows who you are from work - it's not like you're some random stranger she doesn't know at all.

 

The only way I could see her not accepting in your favor would be if she likes you and doesn't want you to know what's going on in her life, ie, there could be a guy in the picture right now.

 

Still, that's kinda rude to not accept since you are co-workers.

[truth_seeker]

where is the part where he said FB?... he said he ran across her while browsing a dating website and also on some other work-associated thing. i have yet to run across anyone i know locally on a dating website - he'd need to be looking exactly for someone who fits her general description, and putting in height/weight requirements and etc. i find it rather unrealistic that she just 'popped up' while he was browsing about in his zip code for dates... he's crushing hard, so he was looking hard for intel on her. we all do it, but own up to it...

 

I was responding to preraph's post. Also, OP mentioned she came up in his "People You May Know" list which is a FB feature.

[Chris2016]

Does anyone else concur with preraph?

 

I'd have to concur.

 

I'm currently crushing on a co-worker now--who I see/hear almost daily. But I know it's not going to happen--as much as I would like it to. It shouldn't be so difficult, if they like you. It doesn't matter if it's the facebook request or whatever, it shouldn't be so difficult.

 

I've also had it work out with a co-worker. I liked her, but wasn't crushing--because she reciprocated. Things felt easy with her. Sometimes I felt I was lame or said something lame but she still showed interest.

[elaine567]

If she was the least bit interested in you, she would have accepted your Facebook friend request. Game over.

 

If she is single and available and interested, a FB friend acceptance is an easy way to get closer to someone.

She has not responded, so I too guess she is NOT interested in getting to know you any better.

You don't mention if she is single, divorced, seeing someone, in a relationship.... etc. etc. Do you actually know?

[NYC-BigKat]

Uh...its gonna get really really weird so so fast if she says no or doesn't give u an answer u know. I've done stupid things like this before & had to leave jobs 'cause it got weird in there & I made girls uncomfortable after rejection & um...yea, so just don't do it & ask girls out that don't work so close to u.