30 and still single

[TThang29]

For those who will take the time to read this, I need to vent because I'm suffering inside and see no relief in the near or distant future.

 

To put it bluntly, I'm turning 30 this year and am still single. In fact, I've never even had a girlfriend. To make matters worse, I haven't had sex in nearly two years either, and not by choice. The result of those embarrassing facts has caused me an immense amount of emotional suffering. The best way I can describe what I'm talking about would be a perpetual "burning" feeling throughout my entire core, it's almost like a physical pain.

 

So what's the deal? I mean, this is very clearly my own fault, right? However, I'm not able to pinpoint what it is exactly that makes women so disinterested without even making an attempt to get to know me, or show signs of mutual attraction.

 

A few facts/traits about myself: I've had a steady career in the military for the past 10.5 years, and have recently returned from serving a seven year tour in various parts of Europe. I work in a hospital, which means there are a decent amount of women that I come in contact with on a daily basis. I'm financially sound, and have progressed rather quickly in rank for my age/time in service. During my tenure in Europe I made a strong effort to travel the world (33 countries and counting), and go scuba diving in very remote and unique locations, it's my passion in life. I've taught myself how to cook pretty well over the past several years. I won't get into every hobby/interest I have, but I'll just leave it at "There's a lot"! I communicate well in both large and small groups, but I'm usually not funny until I get to know someone's sense of humor on a personal level. I also go to the gym Mon-Fri and work hard to stay fit. Due to the rank I hold for my age, I have absolutely no peers or friends here.

 

Okay, enough of the narcissistic self-descriptions.

 

The bottom line is I feel like I have many traits that would seem desirable to women, yet it never works out for me. Ever. Hell, I've been immediately blown off and dismissed by three separate ladies since Monday alone!!!

 

I'd love to describe everything much more in-depth, but this thread has become lengthy enough. I just don't understand what the problem is, and I'm genuinely concerned that I will be single, lonely, depressed, confused, and sexless for the rest of my life.

 

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Has anyone overcome a similar situation? I've fantasized about suicide more times than I care to admit, but I just don't have the guts to do it. Yet, I suppose. This never ending cycle has me just hanging on by a thread...

[rockstar135]

Do you have friends? What do they say?

[The Poster]

First of all, breathe. Breathe in the air.

 

I'm turning 30 this year too and I'm single. Haven't had sex in a while. And have no prospects on the horizon. You're not alone.

 

It sounds to me like you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to find someone. I understand the frustration and bitterness of it all. Really, I do, but that only makes it worse. Just relax. Breathe. Live your life and attempt to break away and do new things, and meet new people, without worrying about finding a partner. You'd be surprised at what can come your way when you stop thinking and start living.

[rockstar135]

Yay! 30 in the house!

 

(Sorry)

[Gloria25]

Well, first thank you for your service...

 

Now, sorry to hear that your dating situation has you to this point. But, I feel ya, dating kinda sucks. It's not "fun", IMO. It's like going on endless job interviews where you're stressed out instead of relaxing and/or having fun - even if you're not a "match" for the people you meet.

 

You do seem like an interesting guy, so not sure where to start, but I'll start with asking you where you're meeting these women? What are you doing to put yourself in social circles to meet women? Are you on OLD?

 

I ask this because, as we come out of high school and/or college, our ability to meet a variety of people and have a social life significantly diminishes and instead of just "showing up" to classes and having all these people to mingle with - now we have to literally "put" ourselves out there into social circles in order to meet people (i.e. hobbies, Salsa classes, volunteering, meet-ups, church).

 

Also, yes, the workplace can be a place to meet people - but sometimes not gonna find too many people interested in dating you because of the complications that come with dating co-workers.

 

Lastly, where you're meeting these women (especially the ones who rejected you) is important. Like OLD is full of fakes, flakes (and per a recent thread, some are even blue collar golddiggers) and you shouldn't take seriously the people you meet on there. If you're meeting them in bars - then again, gonna limit yourself to certain "types". By joining a meet-up group, hobby, volunteering - hopefully you can meet women who share like interests (i.e. scuba diving club) and hopefully cuz you already share similar interests you can meet like minded and quality people.

 

Lastly, old fashioned "word of mouth" is something to consider too. By expanding your social circle, you might meet someone who knows someone single and who can vouch for that person's character, etc. Church might be a good venue for that too.

 

Hope that helps...good luck

[TThang29]

First of all, thank you for the prompt replies, I appreciate it.

 

To address a few things above:

 

I do have a handful of close friends scattered around the world, but due to the nature of the job we move around frequently. Also, they are all married with kids, so I'm not very comfortable confiding this sort of information in them, and definitely not with anyone in my family.

 

I realize this is coming across as a bit extreme, but I don't display these thoughts/emotions around anyone. No one has a clue what's really going on inside, they only see the mask that wear on a daily basis. That's why I'm letting it out here because eats really eating me up, and has been for years.

 

I'm fairly certain that I get stamped as a "nice guy" with women because I treat them (all people, not just women) with respect and sincerity which could be falsely interpreted as weak. I'm not weak, but I can see how it may come across as such.

 

I hate that this is basically a thread about self-pity, and far worse situations are going on around the world that should make me/us feel fortunate, but regardless it seems like I'm stuck in my own personal hell. Isolation and social rejection really take their toll on the spirit.

[darkbloom]

I have a lot of friends that work in the military that have tried to date me at one point in time.

 

Biggest turn off from most military guys is that they are usually cocky and full of themselves. And they cannot tell a good story to save their lives. Everything is in military speak and "oh nine hundred hours" nonsense that I can't stand. And they constantly talk about the military. Drives me bananas and I could never date them.

 

You talking about your postion and rank does absolutely nothing for us ladies. We could care less.

[d0nnivain]

OK. You are single & you don't want to be. What are you doing to change that?

 

 

How often do you ask out a woman? Do you attend social events where you are more likely to meet women? When was the last time you took a cooking class? When was the last time you went diving? A friend of mine whenever she found herself single used to take a singles dive trip. She never failed to come home with a new man in her life.

 

 

Use some of the strategy & can go attitude you learned in the military & go after your objective with the same mental attitude like it was a hill you need to take in battle.

[bigbaby]

Okay, so what are you doing to try to meet women? Are you on any dating sites? Do you go to singles bars? Have you put the word out to friends/relatives that you'll be happy to be set up? Do you only approach model perfect looking women?

[TheArtist]

Okay, so what are you doing to try to meet women? Are you on any dating sites? Do you go to singles bars? Have you put the word out to friends/relatives that you'll be happy to be set up? Do you only approach model perfect looking women?

 

Yes, and more importantly what do you say to them? If you open with, 'I'm in the military, here's my list of qualifications', then it's unlikely to get you a girlfriend. Ask about them. Connect, not inform.

 

Tell us more and we'll advise!

[Httm]

Use online dating(okcupid and match) to go on 3+ dates a month and take it from there.

[SwordofFlame]

Join some meetup groups to do activities that you're interested in. Maybe you'll make some friends and meet women there.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

I'm fairly certain that I get stamped as a "nice guy" with women because I treat them (all people, not just women) with respect and sincerity which could be falsely interpreted as weak. I'm not weak, but I can see how it may come across as such.

...

It's funny you mention this; I can see how it could happen. My wife and I were watching some house show the other day and she comments that the husband of the couple seemed weak and a pushover. I was thinking, no this guy is clearly ex-military; it was in his demeanor, the way he made decisions, among other things. Sure enough, turned out he was a combat veteran with two tours of duty under his belt. (I am not ex-military myself but I have trained with quite a few who are for the last 10 years)

 

Sorry I can't provide any suggestions to address this particular point, it's a tough one.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

So you've only had one night stands?

[AMJ]

Contrary to what others have said, some women might be drawn to you because you're in the military. A close friend of mine was in the marines and attempted suicide, he still suffers from PTSD. I'm concerned about your own fantasies with suicide- don't take that lightly, and find someone who can help you sort this out. Preferably someone who can prescribe an anti-depressant so you can feel a little better about yourself day to day.

 

I was also single when I turned 30. I'm 33 and still single. Yeah, I hear where you're coming from. That pain is worse when you're a woman who wants to have children and people keep telling me I should freeze my eggs, meanwhile I keep planning baby showers for all of my friends' 2nd and 3rd children. It's not easy being left behind while everyone else moves into the marriage stage of life.

 

Your biggest problem is that it's not easy dating when you're deployed and don't really have a permanent home. You sound like you think your biggest problem is yourself and that you don't have anything to offer someone. That's not true at all - it sounds like you have a lot to offer someone. You just never stay in the same place long enough to build a relationship.

[angel.eyes]

There's more to being a good partner than military rank, career accomplishments and flat abs. Interpersonal skills...i.e. the softer people skills matter. How are yours? For example, are you empathetic, thoughtful, caring, etc.

 

Also, why aren't you letting your friends know that you're on the dating market and looking? Let them set you up. Married friends often love to play matchmaker.

[basil67]

I wonder if your O/S postings and travel are holding you back from finding a partner. One of the things I look for in a guy is that he's *here*. I would imagine that being a military partner is something which only a select few can manage.

[carhill]

OP, how do things go when you're out and about and nary a sign of your hospital job or military service?

[Anderlie]

I'm fairly certain that I get stamped as a "nice guy" with women because I treat them (all people, not just women) with respect and sincerity which could be falsely interpreted as weak. I'm not weak, but I can see how it may come across as such.

 

This right here flagged for me. Nobody disrespects a genuinely nice person - or thinks such a person is weak (unless they're a butthead but not everyone you meet would be) - but lots of people won't bother with a 'nice person' who doesn't see the difference between genuine niceness and niceness to achieve an end. The fact you even conflate the two shows you lack actual sincerity in your dealings with people.

[angel.eyes]

^^^^^^^This!!! I had a similarly negative reaction to much of the OP's statements.

 

He presents a fake facade of what he thinks people admire and "want." Most people have a sixth sense about when someone isn't genuine and authentic. They have a hard time trusting, let alone connecting, with such a person. I suspect that's a big part of the problem!

 

I realize this is coming across as a bit extreme, but I don't display these thoughts/emotions around anyone. No one has a clue what's really going on inside, they only see the mask that wear on a daily basis.

[tasev1]

Do you have ANY IDEA how much you have going for you? IMO - it is as simple as a few things that I am going to run assumptions on, due to lack of information. Attitude towards meeting people, and social intelligence. HOW you approach these girls, and HOW you speak to them is what makes the difference. Perhaps you come across to women in a way you don't realise (due to your military training) and that pushes them off?. Dude, you have so many sexy traits, and I'm a guy telling you this. Do some reading, and learn more about your way of communication.

 

Don't feel bad - I'm 34, never had a GF, and only been laid once in Amsterdam 5 years ago. But I am only now identifying the traits that have held me back, because everything I believed until now, and the values I grew up with, were WRONG.

[ZA Dater]

31 here, never had a gf and never been laid.

 

I can relate to that feeling your are feeling, its really not nice to live with.

 

My advice is more of a way to actually find a way to live with the problem as opposed to solving it.

 

Be happy with who and what you are, each day try to find positive things to focus on. Clearly you help people as part of your job, that on its own is something positive.

 

Embrace your interests and just enjoy them.

 

I found some success in doing the above, its made days somewhat better and I have simply resigned myself to the fact there is more to life than dating.

[TThang29]

I just want to add a few details that may clear up some of the assumptions stated above...

 

1) Regarding my career choice and its effect on my dating life, I don't ever use military verbiage outside of work, nor do I try to "impress" people with my rank or experience. That's not my personality at all, and I'm not just a "stone" or robot who can't show any emotion. If I didn't bring up the fact that I'm in the military (a crucial detail), then you would never know. Narcissism and arrogance are two of my biggest pet peeves.

 

2) It may sound contradictory to the general consensus here, but 95% of the people who have been in longer than 4 years are married. To make that even worse, the girl to guy ratio is horribly unbalanced.

 

Outside of these hidden feelings of low self worth, I consider myself to be a normal person that desires companionship with the right person. It just never happens, and endless rejection really wears you down physically and mentally.

[tasev1]

I just want to add a few details that may clear up some of the assumptions stated above...

 

1) Regarding my career choice and its effect on my dating life, I don't ever use military verbiage outside of work, nor do I try to "impress" people with my rank or experience. That's not my personality at all, and I'm not just a "stone" or robot who can't show any emotion. If I didn't bring up the fact that I'm in the military (a crucial detail), then you would never know. Narcissism and arrogance are two of my biggest pet peeves.

 

2) It may sound contradictory to the general consensus here, but 95% of the people who have been in longer than 4 years are married. To make that even worse, the girl to guy ratio is horribly unbalanced.

 

Outside of these hidden feelings of low self worth, I consider myself to be a normal person that desires companionship with the right person. It just never happens, and endless rejection really wears you down physically and mentally.

 

There doesn't seem to be ANY reason why you should not have success. It must be something quantifiable that you must discover and overcome on your own. If you can't find success, then I have no hope at all!!! Stop scaring me! Lol

[TThang29]

@ Anderlie. Angel.Eyes

 

"Nobody disrespects a genuinely nice person - or thinks such a person is weak (unless they're a butthead but not everyone you meet would be) - but lots of people won't bother with a 'nice person' who doesn't see the difference between genuine niceness and niceness to achieve an end. The fact you even conflate the two shows you lack actual sincerity in your dealings with people."

 

I never said I'm being disrespected, nor am I being insincere in my dealings with people. Just because I don't display the fact that I'm severely depressed on the inside does not mean my dealings with people aren't genuine. I don't have a secret agenda to "trick" someone into liking me, it's actually the opposite. I'm bothered by the fact that you interpreted what I said the way you did.

 

Angel.Eyes

 

No, I don't present a "fake facade" about what I think people want. I don't have anyone to confide my depression in, which is why I'm here. The entire reason I wrote this thread and feel this way is because me being myself around people has yielded such pathetic results. That's the problem.