What’s Wrong With Wanting a Lover?

[Lovelorn00]

Wasn’t sure where to post this, so feel free to move…

 

I recently read a magazine article in which a popular recording artist gushed about her married life and new baby and bragged about the fact that she never considered herself someone who “needed a man” or sat around envisioning her wedding. Her dream life just “fell into place” easily and without any effort on her part (yes, the words in quotes are hers).

 

Now, I can’t help but pick up on this underlying judgment in her words. These are the words that are bashed into the minds of single women everywhere, and I’m kind of tired of folks making us feel bad for actually desiring a meaningful relationship, especially since these words are often uttered by people who are already in happy relationships. “You can’t want it. That’s the secret.” What the what?

 

I was raised in a family of extremely strong, independent women, so I wouldn't consider myself someone who NEEDS a man either. I make my own money, I pay my own bills, and I know how to take care of myself. I also know how to enjoy my own company, and I often go on kick-a** adventures alone and have an awesome time. I volunteer regularly, I go to concerts, festivals, hang out with friends. I have a full life, but you know what? I’d love to share my full life and kick-a** adventures with a significant other, and I’m tired of being made to feel ashamed or guilty for wanting that.

 

So, what’s the deal? Why is it so wrong for one human being to desire a meaningful, romantic relationship with another human being?

[Woggle]

There is nothing at all wrong with it. It is part of human nature to desire love and also great sex with somebody you love.

[Redhead14]

Wasn’t sure where to post this, so feel free to move…

 

I recently read a magazine article in which a popular recording artist gushed about her married life and new baby and bragged about the fact that she never considered herself someone who “needed a man” or sat around envisioning her wedding. Her dream life just “fell into place” easily and without any effort on her part (yes, the words in quotes are hers).

 

Now, I can’t help but pick up on this underlying judgment in her words. These are the words that are bashed into the minds of single women everywhere, and I’m kind of tired of folks making us feel bad for actually desiring a meaningful relationship, especially since these words are often uttered by people who are already in happy relationships. “You can’t want it. That’s the secret.” What the what?

 

I was raised in a family of extremely strong, independent women, so I wouldn't consider myself someone who NEEDS a man either. I make my own money, I pay my own bills, and I know how to take care of myself. I also know how to enjoy my own company, and I often go on kick-a** adventures alone and have an awesome time. I volunteer regularly, I go to concerts, festivals, hang out with friends. I have a full life, but you know what? I’d love to share my full life and kick-a** adventures with a significant other, and I’m tired of being made to feel ashamed or guilty for wanting that.

 

So, what’s the deal? Why is it so wrong for one human being to desire a meaningful, romantic relationship with another human being?

 

She is talking about not being desperate. Being happy and content as a single, independent woman and not being on the look out for a mate all the time or not being able to be alone.

 

For her, it "just happened" when she probably least expected it. And, that is often how "it happens". You aren't thinking about it.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting it. Needing it to be happy or complete your life isn't good.

 

A woman doesn't need a man in her life to make her happy. She should be able to make herself happy. A man should only enhance the happiness she already has.

[mineral27]

I’d love to share my full life and kick-a** adventures with a significant other, and I’m tired of being made to feel ashamed or guilty for wanting that.

 

I agree, I'd love to share my life adventures with a significant other and I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

 

 

When she said "You can't want it" she probably meant more "you can force it", as in you can't be desperate or needy about it.

 

Some people try way too hard to find someone and will try to force things even with people they know in advance, they're incompatible with, then they'll be disappointed.

 

Other times they will have too big expectations, too soon, and act all hungry for love, thus repelling someone they could be potentially very compatible with.

 

Desperation never works. Being happy on your own and content with yourself, that is the secret that helps you eventually find a great person to share your life with.

Edited November 30, 2015 by mineral27

[RecentChange]

I don't think she, or most others are trying to shame single women who want a relationship.....

 

Like others have touched on, being desperate, or "needing" a relationship can often have the opposite effect on finding that someone.

 

I know it "just happened" for me. In fact when I met him I said I wasn't looking for a relationship. Was having too much fun living life at the moment, and didn't want to be bogged down by a boy friend!

 

There is something about not looking that seems to make the stars align for many.

[GingerVixen]

Nothing wrong with it.

 

Don't worry about the narrow minded ones. Most of them are unhappy in their Married.lives

[Beatles4]

Ive been single for 10 years now, am a guy and a mate of mine tried telling me to concentrate on life rather then women, made me to feel like finding a women shouldn't be for me etc, I agree with you, we are all human at the end of the day and we all want to feel loved and have a significant other to go out with, like cinema or going out for a meal, days out etc, cant really do that unless one of your couple mates asks you out with them, if that makes sense.

 

All my couple mates, always ask me if I got a girlfriend yet, but I sometimes think people get wrapped up in trying to get into a relationship, especially with online dating to the point it is fake.

 

Ive always thought that your girlfriend (or boyfrined) should be your best friend first then relationship after??

 

But what do I know?

 

I don't know what to else to say, I wish we were all had lovers, I wish I could be more relationship material, we all deserve it :-)

[Myragal]

I need a man to feel fully content. I don't need 'any' man but I do need a man. I have always only been fulfilled when in a relationship. I prefer to be a 'we' rather than 'I'.

 

Others may be completely happy on their own. That's fine. I can be 'ok' when on my own. I can date, work, enjoy times with friends, etc. However, at the end of the day I have a yearning to be part of a couple. I am very selective when it comes to finding a partner because it become central to my life...my identity.

[central]

I wanted a good relationship, and set out to find one with a compatible woman. Some element of luck is involved, of course, but I "fell into" what I'd planned and worked for.

 

There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and working to reach your goals. I am happier in a good relationship, but would rather be single than in a poor one.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm with you OP. I've always said that I don't need a man, I want a man. There is a huge difference between needing someone and wanting them. One is out of desperation while the other is a choice.

 

I love being in a relationship and having a partner in crime but I'm equally content being on my own. I have a very fulfilling life between work and family and friends. If and when it happens it's wonderful and life doesn't end just because I don't have a boyfriend. That would be ridiculous

[Lovelorn00]

I need a man to feel fully content. I don't need 'any' man but I do need a man. I have always only been fulfilled when in a relationship. I prefer to be a 'we' rather than 'I'.

 

Others may be completely happy on their own. That's fine. I can be 'ok' when on my own. I can date, work, enjoy times with friends, etc. However, at the end of the day I have a yearning to be part of a couple. I am very selective when it comes to finding a partner because it become central to my life...my identity.

 

Thank you for your honesty! I do indeed understand that this particular celebrity was mostly referring to not being desperate or needy. I understand that the "desperation" mentality repels people and is a huge turn off. However, I read another article a bit later where another celebrity fully admitted that she didn’t feel complete in her life until she found her husband (at 36). This particular celebrity admitted to feeling bouts of loneliness and feeling like an outcast, because most of her friends were married or in LTRs. This article was written by a feminist who identified with this celebrity’s statement. Her friends made her feel bad for it, because somehow, admitting that we want companionship in our lives from the opposite sex has somehow translated into a sign of weakness.

My problem is that whenever I go through these bouts of loneliness or feelings of being incomplete or unhappy, I’m chided for feeling this way. I’m no longer going to apologize for it. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I’m sometimes sad about not having a boyfriend in my life. Why? Because I’m human. Because you’re human. And I applaud you for admitting this very human part of yourself.

[Lovelorn00]

I wanted a good relationship, and set out to find one with a compatible woman. Some element of luck is involved, of course, but I "fell into" what I'd planned and worked for.

 

There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and working to reach your goals. I am happier in a good relationship, but would rather be single than in a poor one.

 

I completely agree, and this is excellent advice.

[Lovelorn00]

She is talking about not being desperate. Being happy and content as a single, independent woman and not being on the look out for a mate all the time or not being able to be alone.

 

For her, it "just happened" when she probably least expected it. And, that is often how "it happens". You aren't thinking about it.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting it. Needing it to be happy or complete your life isn't good.

 

A woman doesn't need a man in her life to make her happy. She should be able to make herself happy. A man should only enhance the happiness she already has.

 

I do understand that desperation is a turn off, but I'm also not allowed to think about it? I'm also not allowed to focus on it WHILE fully living my life at the same time? I'm not allowed to feel lonely or sad sometimes because of it? Because I do think about it. Often. And I'm made to feel bad about it. Often.

 

I recently took a solo vacation to a little island where I learned to kayak in the Atlantic ocean. None of my friends could go, and I'm currently single, so I went alone. It was a beautiful experience. The whole time, I felt like I was dreaming, it was so beautiful. I was happy and content, running my fingers through the pristine sand and soaking up the sunshine. I would've LOVED to have shared that experience with someone, but the underlying message I'm getting from this celebrity in this article (and from many others in my life) is that it's somehow wrong to want that. "Just be happy!" is the message. My kayaking experience made me extremely happy, but I know that I would be happier doing these things WITH a significant other.

[stillafool]

My problem is that whenever I go through these bouts of loneliness or feelings of being incomplete or unhappy, I’m chided for feeling this way.

 

No wonder you feel the way you do. Your friends should not treat you that way. I know it's easier said than done but I would make other friends.

[Lovelorn00]

No wonder you feel the way you do. Your friends should not treat you that way. I know it's easier said than done but I would make other friends.

 

Hi, stillafool. Yes, this is something that I'm slowly starting to realize, as unfortunate as it is.

 

I actually got into an argument with a friend a few weeks ago about this. She's been married for 5 years. Only ever had one other relationship. She began bashing me for "trying too hard" and whatnot. Said that I need to be happy on my own and to get out there and live my life. When I told her I was already doing those things and that I wasn't going to apologize for wanting a relationship, she got angry with me. I can't fault her too much, though. She just doesn't understand.

[Truth34]

A pattern i've noticed is that when someone puts on the macho front of "Don't need this", "Don't need that", blah blah, they are more inclined to feel superior. It's obviously a facade more than most of the time, but by being somewhat defensive to the status quo of regular relationships and roles, they stand out. Some of it comes down to ego, but I'd say more often than not someone does this sort of thing to try and make up for what they don't have. What is an easier thing for someone to do, lie or tell the truth?

 

Why aren't you married yet?

 

A) I've been trying to find someone for years, but it's just not working. I don't know if I'll ever find someone.

 

B) I don't need a significant other to be happy. I don't even like people, I honestly don't know why anyone gets married. etc. etc.

 

Being honest about things with people makes you look weak more often than it doesn't, which is a sad thing to me. My era loves to detach themselves from real things, real people, and real emotion. Casual sex, less love songs, more false portrayal on social media to make everyone look happy and thoughtful. I'm probably going way overboard, but you get the gist.

 

I'm not jaded yet I swear.

[Lovelorn00]

A pattern i've noticed is that when someone puts on the macho front of "Don't need this", "Don't need that", blah blah, they are more inclined to feel superior. It's obviously a facade more than most of the time, but by being somewhat defensive to the status quo of regular relationships and roles, they stand out. Some of it comes down to ego, but I'd say more often than not someone does this sort of thing to try and make up for what they don't have. What is an easier thing for someone to do, lie or tell the truth?

 

Why aren't you married yet?

 

A) I've been trying to find someone for years, but it's just not working. I don't know if I'll ever find someone.

 

B) I don't need a significant other to be happy. I don't even like people, I honestly don't know why anyone gets married. etc. etc.

 

Being honest about things with people makes you look weak more often than it doesn't, which is a sad thing to me. My era loves to detach themselves from real things, real people, and real emotion. Casual sex, less love songs, more false portrayal on social media to make everyone look happy and thoughtful. I'm probably going way overboard, but you get the gist.

 

I'm not jaded yet I swear.

 

Haha! Me either! I see what you're saying, and that's an extremely astute observation. One that I never considered. I thought the same thing when I read the article. "If you really never considered yourself someone who needed a man," I thought, "then why did you get married?" If one is perfectly sound and truly happy being alone, then why even bother? Why even engage with someone who is pursuing you? It just reeked of false confidence, like you've stated above.

 

And you're right - we live in a society that's becoming so disconnected from reality, despite the fact that we're digitally more connected than ever before. It's easy to manipulate one's digital story to be perceived a certain way, and this type of behavior is rewarded with likes and followers. "Good for her!" they'll say. "Go on, girl!" they'll clap. No one will applaud the girl who says she has a great life, but also wants a boyfriend or the guy who wants a girlfriend. That's a little TOO honest for this day and age. "That's pathetic," they'll say. "Be happy being alone," they'll say. Living creatures have been getting together with other living creatures since... well, the dawn of living creatures, and I'm no different for wanting that.

[Truth34]

"That's pathetic," they'll say. "Be happy being alone," they'll say.

 

True. A lot of people lie to themselves, and when they try to tell other people how to be it is extremely frustrating. I have myself been more observant of my mood, and I have been actively DECIDING to be positive. It really helps overall, but I am still very well aware of my aspirations and my current situation. I just choose to feel as good as I can about it, instead of denying that I am indeed missing someone special to share my life with.

[Myragal]

A pattern i've noticed is that when someone puts on the macho front of "Don't need this", "Don't need that", blah blah, they are more inclined to feel superior. It's obviously a facade more than most of the time, but by being somewhat defensive to the status quo of regular relationships and roles, they stand out. Some of it comes down to ego, but I'd say more often than not someone does this sort of thing to try and make up for what they don't have. What is an easier thing for someone to do, lie or tell the truth?

 

Why aren't you married yet?

 

A) I've been trying to find someone for years, but it's just not working. I don't know if I'll ever find someone.

 

B) I don't need a significant other to be happy. I don't even like people, I honestly don't know why anyone gets married. etc. etc.

 

Being honest about things with people makes you look weak more often than it doesn't, which is a sad thing to me. My era loves to detach themselves from real things, real people, and real emotion. Casual sex, less love songs, more false portrayal on social media to make everyone look happy and thoughtful. I'm probably going way overboard, but you get the gist.

 

I'm not jaded yet I swear.

 

Very thoughtful analysis.

 

I am not going to deny being a female. A human female. Our biology and social needs are not detached from each other. I'm not 'above' what just about all of Nature is about. Procreation. Pass on our genes. We can use a variety of words ..want, need, etc.a man. It's all about being the product of 'x ' millions of years of evolution: Me Tarzan, You Jane.

[Lovelorn00]

True. A lot of people lie to themselves, and when they try to tell other people how to be it is extremely frustrating. I have myself been more observant of my mood, and I have been actively DECIDING to be positive. It really helps overall, but I am still very well aware of my aspirations and my current situation. I just choose to feel as good as I can about it, instead of denying that I am indeed missing someone special to share my life with.

 

I've been doing the same thing, Truth34. I've really been trying to observe my emotions as if they were separate entities. They're there for a reason, and they should be acknowledged, but they don't have to define who I am. Sometimes I feel sad about being single. Sometimes I feel okay about it. Either way I feel about it is okay. I'm allowed to feel those things, and it's normal to feel those things in this situation.

 

This celebrity - I don't know - her statement just rubbed me the wrong way. "I never needed a man." BS. Anyone who claims to "never" need someone or something 100% of the time is lying. This is coming from someone who is famous for singing songs about heartache and lost love. Such BS.

[Lovelorn00]

Very thoughtful analysis.

 

I am not going to deny being a female. A human female. Our biology and social needs are not detached from each other. I'm not 'above' what just about all of Nature is about. Procreation. Pass on our genes. We can use a variety of words ..want, need, etc.a man. It's all about being the product of 'x ' millions of years of evolution: Me Tarzan, You Jane.

 

EXACTLY. Thank you!

[Vilgefoz]

Wasn’t sure where to post this, so feel free to move…

 

I recently read a magazine article in which a popular recording artist gushed about her married life and new baby and bragged about the fact that she never considered herself someone who “needed a man” or sat around envisioning her wedding. Her dream life just “fell into place” easily and without any effort on her part (yes, the words in quotes are hers).

 

Now, I can’t help but pick up on this underlying judgment in her words. These are the words that are bashed into the minds of single women everywhere, and I’m kind of tired of folks making us feel bad for actually desiring a meaningful relationship, especially since these words are often uttered by people who are already in happy relationships. “You can’t want it. That’s the secret.” What the what?

 

I was raised in a family of extremely strong, independent women, so I wouldn't consider myself someone who NEEDS a man either. I make my own money, I pay my own bills, and I know how to take care of myself. I also know how to enjoy my own company, and I often go on kick-a** adventures alone and have an awesome time. I volunteer regularly, I go to concerts, festivals, hang out with friends. I have a full life, but you know what? I’d love to share my full life and kick-a** adventures with a significant other, and I’m tired of being made to feel ashamed or guilty for wanting that.

 

So, what’s the deal? Why is it so wrong for one human being to desire a meaningful, romantic relationship with another human being?

 

 

you must be reading some very weird stuff because I can't imagine man who would agree on "strong indipended woman who needs no man" as you just described. Everybody needs significant other and if there are people who claim otherwise, most likely they are simply butthurt and seeking for attention.

 

 

Yeah, find yourself love and enjoy! That's what we are meant for!

[Beatles4]

Hi, stillafool. Yes, this is something that I'm slowly starting to realize, as unfortunate as it is.

 

I actually got into an argument with a friend a few weeks ago about this. She's been married for 5 years. Only ever had one other relationship. She began bashing me for "trying too hard" and whatnot. Said that I need to be happy on my own and to get out there and live my life. When I told her I was already doing those things and that I wasn't going to apologize for wanting a relationship, she got angry with me. I can't fault her too much, though. She just doesn't understand.

 

I had a similar conversation with my mate although he is single too, says am trying to much that is why it aint happening, what are we supposed to do then??

[dreamingoftigers]

I had a similar conversation with my mate although he is single too, says am trying to much that is why it aint happening, what are we supposed to do then??

 

I always find statements like this to be weird and not very encouraging.

 

Essentially its saying something like "you've got the wrong energy to attract the special purple aura" or some such nonsense.

 

Everyone that isn't you is a "relationship expert."

 

I'm sure you aren't standing on a street corner handing out your phone number begging random passerbys to "take you out for just one coffee." That would be 'trying too hard.'

 

And honestly, sitting back and just "letting it happen" can be a way to end up staying single for quite awhile.

 

In fact many of the dateless guys on here whinge about not getting female attention but they also aren't asking girls out!

 

I'm not an attractive woman. This doesn't often bother me, I have other qualities. However, rarely was I single. I am not shy and I am fairly extroverted.

 

As well, if I liked a guy, then I did the asking.

 

Luckily the "special airy-fairy purple aura" Universe sent me a similar personality type in my husband who chased me down. The chemistry was amazing. But it didn't come after years of just sitting back and letting life dictate the current.

 

My "aura theory:" its mostly a numbers game and the game is tougher for women now that gender norms have been turned on their ear & media & internet porn have given many young men unrealistic expectations. As well, the general suggestion with many young men is that women will practically drop their tops in front of them if they are interested vs. The little hints we tend to actually give.

 

I think now women have to do more of the obvious trying.

[StBreton]

I agree, I'd love to share my life adventures with a significant other and I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

 

 

When she said "You can't want it" she probably meant more "you can force it", as in you can't be desperate or needy about it.

 

Some people try way too hard to find someone and will try to force things even with people they know in advance, they're incompatible with, then they'll be disappointed.

 

Other times they will have too big expectations, too soon, and act all hungry for love, thus repelling someone they could be potentially very compatible with.

 

Desperation never works. Being happy on your own and content with yourself, that is the secret that helps you eventually find a great person to share your life with.

 

Yes yes yes! Well said. I'm right here after divorce (LT marriage). Took me a while to be ok alone ...like a long dark tunnel and I'm seeing the light...scary in that tunnel. Looking forward to just being single and ok with it. No more fitting a square peg into a round hole.

 

It's ok LL ... It'll happen. You're far too wonderful of a person for it not to happen for you. Someone's out there for you