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31 and never dated


4ever8lone

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Im a 31 year old male who has never been on a date. Add to that im a virgin in every sense of the word. As in never kissed, held hands etc. I really struggle when it comes to talking to girls i find attractive, which are few and far between. I just dont have any motivation most of the time. The only time i do is when i have a crush on a girl, but crushing on someone is game over. So im in a never ending loop of feeling lonely but not having the motivation or socail skills to do anything about it. I dont know any girls outside of my work so thats the only place that i encounter them. Any advice we be appreciated.

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You need to get your pickle wet dude.... I don't care what it takes or with who.

Once you get over that hurdle then you can work on dating.

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You need to get your pickle wet dude.... I don't care what it takes or with who.

Once you get over that hurdle then you can work on dating.

 

 

lol, if only it were that easy. A few years ago there was a girl i had a crush on, whenever i saw her my heart would start pounding, i would feel light headed, my mouth dried out and i was paralysed and couldnt move. Thats what i have to put up with.

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That's why he said not to be so picky. Don't start out with your crush. Just go for some average girls and try and get some experience.

 

Im not sure how i could do that. If i thought someone was average i would have no motivation to approach them or have any attraction towards them.

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Im not sure how i could do that. If i thought someone was average i would have no motivation to approach them or have any attraction towards them.

 

Virgin ---> not virgin. That's your motivation. You need experience.

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You say you don't have any motivation to pursue women. Why do you think that is? What are things you DO feel motivated to pursue?

 

Asking a lot of questions of you to suss out a bit of what's really going on. You obviously were motivated to write this thread, so in your eyes what's holding you back?

 

Do you have any women in your social circle--women whom you already have easy conversational access to, like at work, or friends of friends?

 

What kind of woman sparks your interest?

 

Just so you know, I relate to some of what you're feeling right now. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25. I just didn't encounter anyone before that who seemed intelligent enough or nice enough to want to get involved with. But especially in my early twenties, I wondered whether there was something wrong with me, that I never had a boyfriend. And then poof!--I met J., and felt a strong attraction and interest that was reciprocated, and we began a relationship, and suddenly I went from The Girl Who'd Never Had a Boyfriend to The Girl Just Like Everyone Else. It instantly became a non-issue.

 

The virginity bit I took care of by finally responding to the highly sexual innuendos one of my coworkers kept dropping when he was around me. He was hot and someone for whom I knew I'd not get tangled up in feelings, so it seemed like a safe bet. We slept together; I was 22; it felt great; I felt like I'd finally thrown off the mantle of Virgin and was proud that I was proactive in getting that over with. Then the guy started to say he was falling in love with me; I had zero interest in him in that way; and I stopped seeing him. I then got super-creative with every masturbatory practice I could think of so that I knew exactly what made me feel the most good and gave me the best orgasms. What I got from that experience was that when I met my first bf, J., I had the whole virginity thing out of the way, I knew how my body responded to certain sexual stimuli, and so I entered that relationship sexually informed and excited to bring that knowledge to a sexual intimacy with someone I truly cared about.

 

All that to say: don't worry; you're not alone. There are a lot more people out there in your situation, they just probably will never come out and admit it. :bunny:

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Do you want to succeed? You do. You don't start out just going for the top girls. I once went out with a girl who was way overweight. I wasn't attracted. But at the date she grew on me and we were together a year. I'm not even saying do what I did but at least try average girls. Being so picky is not a good move at all.

 

 

How do i get over this mindset of being picky?. Ive been doing it my entire adult life. Also i dont seem to see many girls around my age where i live. Its mostly 18-23 year olds. Especially where i work.

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How do i get over this mindset of being picky?. Ive been doing it my entire adult life. Also i dont seem to see many girls around my age where i live. Its mostly 18-23 year olds. Especially where i work.

 

Are you sure your "pickiness" is not a ruse for being, in fact, afraid? Our minds can conjure up all kinds of perfectly valid-seeming reasons to not do something we're afraid of doing....

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You say you don't have any motivation to pursue women. Why do you think that is? What are things you DO feel motivated to pursue?

 

Asking a lot of questions of you to suss out a bit of what's really going on. You obviously were motivated to write this thread, so in your eyes what's holding you back?

 

Do you have any women in your social circle--women whom you already have easy conversational access to, like at work, or friends of friends?

 

What kind of woman sparks your interest?

 

Just so you know, I relate to some of what you're feeling right now. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25. I just didn't encounter anyone before that who seemed intelligent enough or nice enough to want to get involved with. But especially in my early twenties, I wondered whether there was something wrong with me, that I never had a boyfriend. And then poof!--I met J., and felt a strong attraction and interest that was reciprocated, and we began a relationship, and suddenly I went from The Girl Who'd Never Had a Boyfriend to The Girl Just Like Everyone Else. It instantly became a non-issue.

 

The virginity bit I took care of by finally responding to the highly sexual innuendos one of my coworkers kept dropping when he was around me. He was hot and someone for whom I knew I'd not get tangled up in feelings, so it seemed like a safe bet. We slept together; I was 22; it felt great; I felt like I'd finally thrown off the mantle of Virgin and was proud that I was proactive in getting that over with. Then the guy started to say he was falling in love with me; I had zero interest in him in that way; and I stopped seeing him. I then got super-creative with every masturbatory practice I could think of so that I knew exactly what made me feel the most good and gave me the best orgasms. What I got from that experience was that when I met my first bf, J., I had the whole virginity thing out of the way, I knew how my body responded to certain sexual stimuli, and so I entered that relationship sexually informed and excited to bring that knowledge to a sexual intimacy with someone I truly cared about.

 

All that to say: don't worry; you're not alone. There are a lot more people out there in your situation, they just probably will never come out and admit it. :bunny:

 

I guess i have a fear of the unknown, or maybe feeling uncomfortable letting others know my feelings about anything. There have been a few girls i worked with in the past who were interested in me, but they were all in relationships, which i dont get. But now the girls i work with are all too young.

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I guess i have a fear of the unknown, or maybe feeling uncomfortable letting others know my feelings about anything. There have been a few girls i worked with in the past who were interested in me, but they were all in relationships, which i dont get. But now the girls i work with are all too young.

 

You might hate this suggestion but: consider seeing a good psychodynamically oriented therapist to work on being more communicative with your feelings. A therapist can also help you pinpoint what holds you back from communicating. Because I promise you that getting a girlfriend is just one small hurdle compared to the hurdle of actually sustaining an intimate relationship. More relationships end because one or both partners don't know how to communicate their fears, reservations, issues about the relationship with their partner. It's also very possible that your relationship with the unknown and your difficulty communicating your feelings is precisely the reason why you are 31 and have never had a romantic relationship. Therapy would be a very, very worthy investment in your life's happiness.

 

So, you have had women interested in you, which means you must come across as a relatively nice guy and decent-looking. That's a great start...but it suggests that YOU are the one keeping women at arm's length. Yet another reason to consider therapy for communication.

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Im a 31 year old male who has never been on a date. Add to that im a virgin in every sense of the word. As in never kissed, held hands etc. I really struggle when it comes to talking to girls i find attractive, which are few and far between. I just dont have any motivation most of the time. The only time i do is when i have a crush on a girl, but crushing on someone is game over. So im in a never ending loop of feeling lonely but not having the motivation or socail skills to do anything about it. I dont know any girls outside of my work so thats the only place that i encounter them. Any advice we be appreciated.

 

I think as long as you're not bedridden you always have a chance. But you have a lot of psychological issues you need to work through. You put women on a pedestal and you have zero self confidence. That's not how real men behave. You need to read some books or articles on improving your conversation skills. Find some hobbies/activities that at least put you in proximity to women, so you have something going on in your life outside of work. Work out and develop a personal style. Expand your age range. All these things will help. I'm 29, and although I've never had a long term relationship, I've at least gotten dates and had sex. I've dated more women this year than I can remember.

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Im a 31 year old male who has never been on a date. Add to that im a virgin in every sense of the word. As in never kissed, held hands etc. I really struggle when it comes to talking to girls i find attractive, which are few and far between. I just dont have any motivation most of the time. The only time i do is when i have a crush on a girl, but crushing on someone is game over. So im in a never ending loop of feeling lonely but not having the motivation or socail skills to do anything about it. I dont know any girls outside of my work so thats the only place that i encounter them. Any advice we be appreciated.

 

Idk exactly whats the best thing to say hear but i can try. first of all your a man. most important thing for a man CONFIDENCE... be brave and be confident. what i saw in your thread is that u were talking bout holding hands and all that. seems your looking for more of an intimate relationship with the sex and all that. dont look for that. thats kinda hard to look for from the get go and may leave you hurt and dissapointed. if the virgin things a problem and the kissing, hell find a pretty prostitute. i know no one threw it out but its a start to get your sexual feelings fulfilled and some experience with a woman. use protection tho lol. ik it sounds extreme but you gotta be a man and go for everything. take women out to dates, ask them out theres nothing to lose. its ok if there young, there looking for a good time just as yourself, and when you keep going out and hanging out with women you get more experience and more confidence. no need to be shy my friend, be brave and be confident. you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. goodluck :)

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I think as long as you're not bedridden you always have a chance. But you have a lot of psychological issues you need to work through. You put women on a pedestal and you have zero self confidence. That's not how real men behave. You need to read some books or articles on improving your conversation skills. Find some hobbies/activities that at least put you in proximity to women, so you have something going on in your life outside of work. Work out and develop a personal style. Expand your age range. All these things will help. I'm 29, and although I've never had a long term relationship, I've at least gotten dates and had sex. I've dated more women this year than I can remember.

 

 

I suppose seeing a professional is an option. I have several hobbies and i also work out. One thing i cant stand is when i hear guys in the gym talking about girls as if they are a piece of meat. Plus when i see guys chatting girls up i just think is so cringy. Maybe i dont approach girls because i dont want to appear cringy also.

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The solution is simple.

 

1. Pay someone to lose your virginity and to gain experience. If needed, multiple times.

2. Become more self confident.

3. Start dating.

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BronzeAgeJaeger217

seems to be much more common for guys to go this long being single and sexless in this generation, as annoying as it is, and as much as I detest it, too many people say men have become feminized in this generation, or people have just become less social in this generation due to the Internet and texting, etc.

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seems to be much more common for guys to go this long being single and sexless in this generation, as annoying as it is, and as much as I detest it, too many people say men have become feminized in this generation, or people have just become less social in this generation due to the Internet and texting, etc.

 

 

It's more than that:

 

 

  • feminism
  • hypergamy
  • 80/20

 

These are just a few; I could keep going.

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Are you sure your "pickiness" is not a ruse for being, in fact, afraid? Our minds can conjure up all kinds of perfectly valid-seeming reasons to not do something we're afraid of doing....

 

It's always easier to say "yea she's cute but not really my type" about a girl who is very attractive just not a Victoria secret model, than it is to approach her and get rejected. By only focusing on "10's" it allows him the excuse to validate why he doesn't bother approaching the average to good looking girls.

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I suppose seeing a professional is an option. I have several hobbies and i also work out. One thing i cant stand is when i hear guys in the gym talking about girls as if they are a piece of meat. Plus when i see guys chatting girls up i just think is so cringy. Maybe i dont approach girls because i dont want to appear cringy also.

 

The guys at the gym talk about girls like they're a piece of meat.... Yet you yourself say you're not interested in any girl unless she's extremely good looking/ drop dead gorgeous. So there's a bit of hypocrisy right there. They might vocalize it, but you're thinking similar thoughts.

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This is funny to me because it reminds me how nerves I was when I first slept with my gf at the time. I was so nervous that I honestly went from hard to soft in a few seconds.. and we had done everything else before with no issues but intercourse.

The guys on here are right. The place you put your mind into, is all you need to master. Don't think of "OMG I am 31 and a virgin" what should I do. Actually you don't even have to say or let any women know that. You simply need to find someone you are close enough with that you find them attractive. Get to know them, go on dates and explore your sexual needs with each other.

 

It sounds like you haven't talked to many women on that level. There is actually a difference between talking to women or getting to know them...then getting down to doing the dirty dirty. You can be a good talker, say the right things and mean what you say. But when things start to get hot during 1on1, you can't start freaking up because you don't know what you're doing. Once you break the barrier of being self-conscious you will have it much easier.

 

To put it in a better term...the day you can whip your dong around in front of a woman without doubting yourself, that is when you know you're ready.

 

Unfortunately for you; you'll have to get a girlfriend first then move along to the next level taking baby steps...but honestly dude, it is not a space shuttle launch.

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There is some frankly terrible advice in this thread.

 

Where do I start, ok, paying for sex, don't do that EVER. I fail to see how paying for sex and loosing virginity to some stranger is going to help the OP at dating, in fact it wont help him at all and if anything probably just make him feel even worse. Worse still that could lead him into a cycle of just paying as opposed to trying to actually date.

 

OP, to an extent I am you, also 31, also dateless and also a virgin. What has worked for me is to find some inner peace, change my look, change my style and mostly to just be happy being me, sure I am no closer to either being kissed or laid but at least for me I don't go through each day with a massive degree of self loathing.

 

Like you I don't meet many people, like you I am extremely fussy as to what I like and like you I tend to reduce myself to a nervous mess around those rare people I do like. On the last point, I have found a way to be better at this, focus and tell yourself how good you are, keep telling yourself you can do it and don't fall into the trap of self doubt.

 

In all probability you have the same issues I have which took me years to identify and is still process of being fixed, you probably radiate some negativity without actually realising it. You know this is fixed when people start to respond to you differently.

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There is some frankly terrible advice in this thread.

 

Where do I start, ok, paying for sex, don't do that EVER. I fail to see how paying for sex and loosing virginity to some stranger is going to help the OP at dating, in fact it wont help him at all and if anything probably just make him feel even worse. Worse still that could lead him into a cycle of just paying as opposed to trying to actually date.

 

OP, to an extent I am you, also 31, also dateless and also a virgin. What has worked for me is to find some inner peace, change my look, change my style and mostly to just be happy being me, sure I am no closer to either being kissed or laid but at least for me I don't go through each day with a massive degree of self loathing.

 

Like you I don't meet many people, like you I am extremely fussy as to what I like and like you I tend to reduce myself to a nervous mess around those rare people I do like. On the last point, I have found a way to be better at this, focus and tell yourself how good you are, keep telling yourself you can do it and don't fall into the trap of self doubt.

 

In all probability you have the same issues I have which took me years to identify and is still process of being fixed, you probably radiate some negativity without actually realising it. You know this is fixed when people start to respond to you differently.

So you are saying this advice is horrible..Yet you too are a 31 year old virgin? Not that there is anything wrong with that..Lifes too short to wait for perfection...

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So you are saying this advice is horrible..Yet you too are a 31 year old virgin? Not that there is anything wrong with that..Lifes too short to wait for perfection...

 

I really don't see a 5 min pay lay sorting out of the problems the OP is having.

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LookAtThisPOst
There is some frankly terrible advice in this thread.

.

 

Where do I start, ok, paying for sex, don't do that EVER. I fail to see how paying for sex and loosing virginity to some stranger is going to help the OP at dating, in fact it wont help him at all and if anything probably just make him feel even worse.

 

Exactly...I mean, someone suggested prostitution for this guy? Paying for sex? Really? I mean, if you're going to suggest something, be realistic and, even though I'm not for it, at least suggest a FWB situation as a more realistic option, not a prostitute.

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I really don't see a 5 min pay lay sorting out of the problems the OP is having.

 

Sometimes you have to think outside the box...Hows your own advice working for you?

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