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Not attracting the right type?


Strahatmak

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I've been told, mainly in this forum, to stop requesting men at the beginning, just have fun and let it flows, even if the man is obviously not paying some attention and caring. Just because I have no right to be assertive to a man I just started dating. Men have no responsibility to work on a relationship but women on the other hand have to adjust and further adjust.

 

That was what happened with my last date. After dating for 2 months, seeing each other for 10 times, when I asked for 10 minutes of his time for a little support from him, he said he could talk; but he hanged up on me right away when I called and asked me to text him instead because his "parents were sleeping". He then dropped dead in the middle of text. When I texted him that it was not cool to not at least letting me know he was tried, he sent me a beyond rude message the next morning that asking more of his caring made him "difficult to stay up" with me.

 

Oh ya now did I violate the rule of avoiding "needy" and "clingy"? I didn't ask for his care for office backstubbing or being offended by a b!!tchy girl friend or a family issue or even being warned by my manager at work. I was emtionally depressed because of a big downhill in my career and just needed a person to talk to.

 

I've been told though by my guy friends though that if a guy was truly looking for a serious relationship, he would start caring the girl from day one. There wouldn't be any "trial period". He wouldn't need to be told to take care of the girl. He wouldn't just let the relationship flows where it goes. He would be willing to communicate with me.

 

Where are those guys?

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Good people do support the people they are dating. However, you can't get all of your emotional support from somebody you are just trying to get to know. You need a support system that consists of friends & family. As your romantic relationship grows over time, you gradually shift more of your emotional life onto your partner but not instantly.

 

 

How old are you that you date men who still live with their parents & who can't talk late at night?

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Good people do support the people they are dating. However, you can't get all of your emotional support from somebody you are just trying to get to know. You need a support system that consists of friends & family. As your romantic relationship grows over time, you gradually shift more of your emotional life onto your partner but not instantly.

 

 

How old are you that you date men who still live with their parents & who can't talk late at night?

 

How do you know I asked for "all" emotional support from him? Quite a contrast, I'd never received more then 3 text convo from him every time we started texting. It also went from daily to every 2 days; fine to me because I looked for quality. Just to give you an example, I texted him before I boarded, but he didn't respond. The flight was only 4 hours, but I didn't hear from him after 16 hours later: "have you arrived?"

 

I don't really think you would count that "safe trip", "safely home yet" text "getting all my emotional support"?

 

With our ethnial backgrounds, living with parents is just a tradition. He's been working for 5 years already. Do you really think leaving with parents matter here? It was the reason that was lame. He got his own room. He has his freedom just like living in a hotel. There were hundred of possibilities that he didn't want to talk on phone, but anyway that only shows he was unwilling to give a slight support to me.

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Sorry to quote you here D0nn..it made most relevance to what I was thinking is all. :)

 

Good people do support the people they are dating. However, you can't get all of your emotional support from somebody you are just trying to get to know. You need a support system that consists of friends & family. As your romantic relationship grows over time, you gradually shift more of your emotional life onto your partner but not instantly.

Agreed and you also need your own support system within yourself so that you can rationalise and be aware of your own responsibilities when things go wrong. If you have that then you won't need to rely on another to support you as you will be able to support yourself (and therefore won't go on and on about a problem and bore them/bring them down).

 

 

 

 

How old are you that you date men who still live with their parents & who can't talk late at night?

Just a side note to this but I don't talk late at night, not if I want to sleep. (not that I live with my parents - they are both long gone!)

Sounds to me like it was pretty late to be having a big discussion to be honest.

Could it not have waited until you saw him if it was something you really needed to communicate to a new man OP?

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Sorry to quote you here D0nn..it made most relevance to what I was thinking is all. :)

 

 

Agreed and you also need your own support system within yourself so that you can rationalise and be aware of your own responsibilities when things go wrong. If you have that then you won't need to rely on another to support you as you will be able to support yourself (and therefore won't go on and on about a problem and bore them/bring them down).

 

 

 

 

 

Just a side note to this but I don't talk late at night, not if I want to sleep. (not that I live with my parents - they are both long gone!)

Sounds to me like it was pretty late to be having a big discussion to be honest.

Could it not have waited until you saw him if it was something you really needed to communicate to a new man OP?

 

With all due respect, I disagree. What you are talking about is a partnership life. One just looks for a partner to fill his boredom and sexual needs. Sorry for the offense but that's just IMO. I wouldn't even need the date if I can go to others - which I have others to go to already. If that's the case, I won't give in more - sex or even just affections - if I don't see a single action indicating that he is looking for a serious relationship. Sorry I dumped this guy because according to my sense and my friends, he's not respecting me and only taking me benefits.

 

If it wasn't a right time, then let me know. He was the one who said we could talk at that time. He could've told me it was late. It makes sense to respect others as a human being, okay? I think he couldn't because he played golf and hockey and softball and biking after work so he was late to home and set me aside for the past 4 days. Oh of course he could be seeing other girls, too, which just made him a bigger jerk because he's told me he wasn't seeing other girls and he was single.

 

But just ends talking about this particular guy. I was told, and by my own past experience, it shouldn't be like that. Just what happened that recently I keep bumping into men who just sign up for fun?

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I didn't say you were getting all of your emotional support from him. It was a generalized statement for you and anybody else lurking on this board.

 

 

If you want more communication then you are getting & having asked for it, you still aren't getting it, at the 2 month mark it's probably a good time to decide if you want to go for 3 months of not getting your needs met or if you want to change directions.

 

 

I can share with you that one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband is that about 6 weeks in, when I learned that an EX had died, DH was incredibly supportive. He let me cry on his shoulder the day it happened and he offered to go to the funeral with me.

 

 

I don't think I would stay with a man who hung up on me in the middle of a conversation.

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I'm with Donnivain on this one.

 

1) Forget this guy. He's rude.

 

2) Build yourself a support network full of close friends and confidants, mostly other women. Looking for too much emotional support from a new date is sort of dangerous: it makes you easy to manipulate and can also cause heartbreak when you meet a man who won't reciprocate.

 

You have to look out for yourself first; strive to stop mixing the search for a mate with pursuing your sounding board.

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Cupid's Puppet

 

I've been told though by my guy friends though that if a guy was truly looking for a serious relationship, he would start caring the girl from day one. There wouldn't be any "trial period". He wouldn't need to be told to take care of the girl. He wouldn't just let the relationship flows where it goes. He would be willing to communicate with me.

 

Where are those guys?

 

Listen to those guys friends! It is true. I didn't think it was possible they existed either. This guy I am talking to (new guy every week for me lol) cared about me from day 1. He wanted to get to know me from Day 1. He stated he was looking for a committed relationship on Day 1. I needed someone to pinch me because I thought his type was extinct. Only time will tell if he really is serious or just another guy.

 

But keep taking advice from your guy friends because they know what they are talking about. My ex who I am still in love with took 7 years to warm up to me and he still didn't want me. Like Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

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I'm with Donnivain on this one.

 

1) Forget this guy. He's rude.

 

2) Build yourself a support network full of close friends and confidants, mostly other women. Looking for too much emotional support from a new date is sort of dangerous: it makes you easy to manipulate and can also cause heartbreak when you meet a man who won't reciprocate.

 

You have to look out for yourself first; strive to stop mixing the search for a mate with pursuing your sounding board.

 

I understand. It was just the one and the first time after 2 months in our dating. It wasn't as bad as a pass away of a once closed person, but I so wanted to cry that day because of a very desparate and depressed emotion.

 

I ditched him. The flaw he has is too big to be ignored.

 

Maybe I shouldn't make it too easy for men anymore.

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I agree with Donnivan et al that people need a wide support system so that all your needs do not fall on one person.

 

 

And there is also the issue of the general appropriateness of calling someone in the middle of the night for help.

 

If it's 10 degrees below zero and your house has just burned down and you are calling from the front seat of the fire truck, it's ok to call around looking for a place to stay for a few nights.

 

If you call me in the middle of the night because your car is broke down in a bad part of town and there are some scary people starting to gather around, I'll come and get you..........the first time. After that, I'll question why you are in a bad part if town in the middle of the night, why you arent keeping your car in better working order and is there someone else you can call this time.

 

This is kind of a matter of degrees. Did you call him at 8 o'clock at night to talk about work issues or did you call at 2 in the morning?

 

If you called at 2 in the morning to whine about work problems, you were out of line no matter what your relationship with him was or whether he had his own room in the house or not.

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I ditched him. The flaw he has is too big to be ignored.

 

Maybe I shouldn't make it too easy for men anymore.

 

Glad you ditched him. But don't be too eager to learn the wrong lesson here. I don't know precisely what you mean by "maybe I shouldn't make it too easy," but it's usually a mistake to take one bad experience and turn it into a reason to become guarded around all men.

 

You had a rough interaction with a man. It happens. But next time won't be the same thing. You'll see. :)

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There's a difference between being supportive of someone who had something unexpected and bad happen to them through no fault of their own in spite of acting with due diligence and in good faith - vs being someone's emotional tampon that always has a lot of problems and dramas.

 

Emotional tampon is not in the job description for a BF, lover or spouse.

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I find this thread super interesting as I always saw a potential partner as someone who is the person for me to go to for emotional support. Mostly I saw friends and family as temp support until I found the right person who would be the one I can trust with everything.

 

I wonder whether what everyone is saying here is cultural, personal or universal. As in, in the US your partner is only your lover and partner in life but not your "emotional tampon" as some said, versus in another country it's okay to share all your issues with your partner as in a "soulmate" relationship. (Americans love to consider themselves "independent").

 

I have lived in a few countries and sometimes I feel this varies per background.

 

I am actually quite intrigued by the responses.

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Why would someone still questioned what'd happened?

 

I had an unexpected incident on that day.

I texted him way before bed time at 10ish. He'd texted me past 1am many times before.

He finally got home at 11:30, not from work but from some fun activity, and texted back.

I asked if he had a few minutes to talk (I perfectly knew that his bed time was way past 1am) because something striked me that day, he said YES.

I called but he hanged up. I texted him instead.

He then dropped dead on me around 12am.

 

Oh why am I explaining myself? I feel stupid now. I shouldn't go with the US washed (no offence) Asian guys (again no offence) anymore, if edgygirl is true. Just not suitable to me then.

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Glad you ditched him. But don't be too eager to learn the wrong lesson here. I don't know precisely what you mean by "maybe I shouldn't make it too easy," but it's usually a mistake to take one bad experience and turn it into a reason to become guarded around all men.

 

You had a rough interaction with a man. It happens. But next time won't be the same thing. You'll see. :)

 

The reason I said "I shouldn't make it too easy" for him was that I was being too nice to him. I wasn't assertive enough to request and to set boundaries. Such as, I let him became too affection on me even I felt not quite comfortable, I let him to be irrespectful to me, I made myself too available to him even he never opened his schedule for me, etc.

 

Maybe I'm still affected by my bad break up half a year ago; I lost my ex because he had emotional issue, and stressed me to a point that I almost had emotional problem as well so I had to let him go. Maybe I'm too afraid to lose again.

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Cupid's Puppet
I agree with Donnivan et al that people need a wide support system so that all your needs do not fall on one person.

 

 

And there is also the issue of the general appropriateness of calling someone in the middle of the night for help.

 

If it's 10 degrees below zero and your house has just burned down and you are calling from the front seat of the fire truck, it's ok to call around looking for a place to stay for a few nights.

 

If you call me in the middle of the night because your car is broke down in a bad part of town and there are some scary people starting to gather around, I'll come and get you..........the first time. After that, I'll question why you are in a bad part if town in the middle of the night, why you arent keeping your car in better working order and is there someone else you can call this time.

 

This is kind of a matter of degrees. Did you call him at 8 o'clock at night to talk about work issues or did you call at 2 in the morning?

 

If you called at 2 in the morning to whine about work problems, you were out of line no matter what your relationship with him was or whether he had his own room in the house or not.

 

If she called the same time of night and asked him for some sex he would have been by her in a jiffy. He was making excuses and she doesn't need that type in her life. A boyfriend should be a friend too. He should be available for emotional support point blank period.

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If she called the same time of night and asked him for some sex he would have been by her in a jiffy. He was making excuses and she doesn't need that type in her life. A boyfriend should be a friend too. He should be available for emotional support point blank period.

 

So my subject is saying i'm not attracting the right type recently. I won't deny that there are benefit type of partnerships.

 

My ex rushed to the pub when I texted him that I was tipsy and sent me home. It was just 3 dates in at that time. Another time I had a big issue at work, an ex date of mine drove an hour just to buy me a shortbread from a place that I loved. We were just 2 weeks in. Another ex date came out 3 evenings a week to accompany me when my grandma had a stroke at that time. I thought dates were a bit more than friends.

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