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Inexperienced guy in need of guidelines (Updated)


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Hi, I'm new here so first something about me:

I'm a 20 year old forever alone guy, never had a gf or any relationship so I obviously know very little about dating and girls... I'm very self-conscious, I have an athletic body but my face just isn't pretty, I hate seeing photos of myself:( This is always on my mind whenever I talk to any girl and it definitely shows. It's really hard for me to write this but someone might just have a piece of advice for me if anyone has the patience to read all this. Sorry for this confession so let's get to the point.

 

There's this girl that I've known for a long time. We were schoolmates since 1st grade and last year we danced together at the prom. Last year she once asked me if I want to go drinking with her and some other friends and since then we talked sometimes but I saw her as a friend. One day when we were at her friend's house and went out after a few drinks she said she's moving to a new place and that I had to visit her when she's alone. That's the first time I thought she might want something with me. Right now we're both back home over the summer and I saw her walking her dog one day and she said we could go for a walk sometime. Well, we do that more and more often now but there's my problem: being the inexperienced guy I am I just don't know what to do next, is she even attracted to me or am I being friendzoned? About one month ago we went out (made sure it was only us), got nicely drunk together but there was another guy who tried to get her attention so I couldn't really do anything about it until the two of us went home (we live close). She is the type of girl that had quite some guys (don't know if they were serious relationships or not but she has experience) On our way she sat down on some stairs to 'rest' so I thought maybe she wants something but I was just way too unsure about myself to do anything so we just sat there with her head on my shoulder and talking like just friends. In front of her house she hugged me before going home and the moment she left I regretted not saying or doing something more. I'm just retarded about these things it seems. So now we still go for a walk every few days and sit down for almost an hour before going home. But I have no idea how she feels about me, everytime I had a feeling she wants me we were drinking together so I'm really unsure. Yesterday we went out to eat and she said she had a good time. I'm just stuck, what the hell to do when sitting side by side at night, seems like a good place to take things further but I just don't know what to do. Is she wanting me to do everything or is she just not interested?

What should I do? It's nice to have a female friend but I'd really want something more. Reading these forums I see I've achieved nothing yet:(

 

I have a good life; succes at sports and school, most things I wish for but my social life is just not great at all and I think about it every day. I also have no idea how to meet any new girls. Any help would be greatly appreciated, also sorry for any grammar mistakes as I'm not a native english speaker.

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La.Primavera

Ask her if she would like to go out on a date. If she says yes, great! If not then at least you won't be left wondering.

 

Good luck.

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bro.. my face has scars all over... I still have some women interested in me....

 

It's not so much the face... it's about being happy with your face and who you are. Once you accept you for you.. I swear things will get so easy.

 

But you gotta accept your awesome the way you are. And someone will also see that sooner or later.

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bro.. my face has scars all over... I still have some women interested in me....

 

It's not so much the face... it's about being happy with your face and who you are. Once you accept you for you.. I swear things will get so easy.

 

But you gotta accept your awesome the way you are. And someone will also see that sooner or later.

 

I agree with the first part, totally disagree with the last part.

 

Each to his own.

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La.Primavera
bro.. my face has scars all over... I still have some women interested in me....

 

It's not so much the face... it's about being happy with your face and who you are. Once you accept you for you.. I swear things will get so easy.

 

But you gotta accept your awesome the way you are. And someone will also see that sooner or later.

 

Totally agree!

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I agree with the first part, totally disagree with the last part.

 

Each to his own.

Why, if I may ask?

 

I have found LostOne1's advice to be true in my own life.

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Why, if I may ask?

 

I have found LostOne1's advice to be true in my own life.

 

I disagree because it amounts to nothing more than pure speculative fantasy at best and is about as far removed from reality as one can get.

 

"Awesome the way you are and sooner or later someone will realise that"

 

I am sorry but that amounts to pure speculation, there are MILLIONS of people who never find anyone, hence this "utopia" advice to me is not only misleading but totally meaningless too.

 

Yes, accept you for you but also then be realistic as to how good "you' actually are, look at facts

: the sort of people you attract versus the ones you want

: dating history

: number of friends you have.

: number of past relationships.

 

I fully understand the need to advise people to be positive but you also need to be REALISTIC.

 

Saying you will definitely find someone who wants you is not realistic in my opinion.

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A positive attitude and confidence are very attractive qualities!

 

The majority of people do find a partner.

 

Majority being 6 out of 10?

 

Still leaves he possibility that a person can be one of the other 4.

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I see, maybe the wording wasn't the best but in my mind your view is fully compatible with the gist of the statement.

 

I mean, you'll probably agree that when someone has a low self-esteem for whatever reason, it usually translates in a negative outlook on reality. Then, to be realistic in that context requires adding optimism to the mix so you stop overlooking the good things about yourself and your life.

 

Simply acknowledging does not mean believing you're totally 'awesome' in all areas of your life, but precisely looking at things more realistically.

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I see, maybe the wording wasn't the best but in my mind your view is fully compatible with the gist of the statement.

 

I mean, you'll probably agree that when someone has a low self-esteem for whatever reason, it usually translates in a negative outlook on reality. Then, to be realistic in that context requires adding optimism to the mix so you stop overlooking the good things about yourself and your life.

 

Simply acknowledging does not mean believing you're totally 'awesome' in all areas of your life, but precisely looking at things more realistically.

 

 

Lets look at the bold part.

 

 

I can speak out of considerable experience on this, I'd be that person you describe in the above. Why do I think nothing of myself, well because each time I try this thing called dating I am reminded just how pathetic I am, 31yo no girlfriend EVER.

 

 

You find the positive there.

 

 

Add to that every person I pursue rejects me irrespective of what I project, how nice I am.

 

 

You find the positive there.

 

 

Thus I'd contend being realistic has nothing to do with optimism at all but rather assessing a set of facts and seeing exactly where one is when measure against a predetermined set of objectives.

 

 

Me, I hope to have at least been kissed by 25, here I am at 31 no closer to that than I was at 20.

 

Good things, sure, but good to who? Me or the people I am attempting to date.

 

 

I'd say a good job, diverse interests, the expensive lunches, supercars, the fact I write and speak well, the fact I don't treat ladies like objects, the fact I have a huge capacity to care, the fact I am generous or perhaps the fact I am tall, athletic, have published writing in some major magazines and I am busy writing a novel. Oh and add in a sense of world affairs and world politics.

 

 

Those are my good things but they aren't good to anyone else in the dating context, they are about as worthless as Vietnamese Dong would be at a department store on Park Avenue.

 

 

My point is this a large % of reality is defined by past experiences and how they shape today, positive experiences give a positive outlook, negative ones merely fuel self loathing and drain confidence.

 

 

As I mentioned in another thread, anyone who has found love, cherish it, I'd give anything to wake up with someone amazing next to me, to send them surprise flower, take them to dinner and be intellectually challenged, be that shoulder to cry on and that pillar of support.

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I guess I'll just have to find my balls and do something about it :p Probably wouldn't be smart to mention to her that I was never with any girl before, right? Also telling her directly how much I like her might not be ok? This is something so new to me it's really weird and scary. Generally I'm afraid of almost nothing but...

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Well, it looks to me like she is interested in you. Her telling you to visit when she's alone, resting her head on your shoulder and hugging you in front of her house are all good signs! You don't have to mention your experience unless she asks you about it, but I wouldn't dodge the question either if she does ask.

 

I didn't go on my first date or get my first girlfriend until I was 20 myself so I definitely know how unfamiliar it feels for you. My advice to you is to ask her out on a date. Pick a restaurant, movie, or event to bring her to and ask her if she would like to come with. And keep us posted!

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La.Primavera
Majority being 6 out of 10?

 

Still leaves he possibility that a person can be one of the other 4.

 

No, more like upwards of 8 out 10.

 

I'm sorry for anyone who doesn't find love at least once in their life but the truth is most do eventually.

 

 

I guess I'll just have to find my balls and do something about it :p Probably wouldn't be smart to mention to her that I was never with any girl before, right? Also telling her directly how much I like her might not be ok? This is something so new to me it's really weird and scary. Generally I'm afraid of almost nothing but...

 

I think you need to be less hard on yourself. You don't need to refer to yourself as forever alone, you are only twenty. Not everyone has a lot of dating experience during their teenage years. Your twenties are the best time to start dating. It is all about new experiences and getting to know yourself and what you want out of life. Yes, putting yourself out there is new and scary but so are many things in life which become easier the more you practice.

 

You don't need to tell her anything that makes you feel more vulnerable than you already do. Just spend time with her. If you are unsure just take it slowly until you build up more confidence. She obviously feels comfortable around you and likes your company so I think you are already off to a good start!

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No, more like upwards of 8 out 10.

 

I'm sorry for anyone who doesn't find love at least once in their life but the truth is most do eventually.

 

 

 

 

I think you need to be less hard on yourself. You don't need to refer to yourself as forever alone, you are only twenty. Not everyone has a lot of dating experience during their teenage years. Your twenties are the best time to start dating. It is all about new experiences and getting to know yourself and what you want out of life. Yes, putting yourself out there is new and scary but so are many things in life which become easier the more you practice.

 

You don't need to tell her anything that makes you feel more vulnerable than you already do. Just spend time with her. If you are unsure just take it slowly until you build up more confidence. She obviously feels comfortable around you and likes your company so I think you are already off to a good start!

 

Really superb advice, if I were the OP I would read this a few times before I actually meet up with this person to put one in the right frame of mind.

 

As for finding love, its far easier to find bitterness and cynicism.

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La.Primavera
As for finding love, its far easier to find bitterness and cynicism.

 

I know it must be incredibly frustrating. For some people it happens so easily they barely have to lift a finger but that doesn't mean they have found a love that will last the test of time. Call me a romantic, but I like to believe the longer it takes to find, the more special it will be when it does. That is what I wish for you anyway ZA Dater.

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I know it must be incredibly frustrating. For some people it happens so easily they barely have to lift a finger but that doesn't mean they have found a love that will last the test of time. Call me a romantic, but I like to believe the longer it takes to find, the more special it will be when it does. That is what I wish for you anyway ZA Dater.

 

Thanks for the wishes, though I suspect I have long since passed the point of bitterness with no prospect of return.

 

The point of frustration for me it just nothing changes, the matches I get are NOT what I want, what I want doesn't want me and that's incredibly frustrating and demotivating.

 

I went out and spent $2k on clothes for a meet up last week, didn't make any difference at all, sure I felt a bit more confident but the end result was the same.

 

Its not like I am asking for someone to sleep with me, all I am asking for is a chance, nothing more, friend zone me, fine I'd be happy with that but flatly ignoring me is tough.

 

After a more than a decade of no success at all the only thing that's really left is bitterness and some resentment.

 

This last one had the makings of everything I wanted, I tried to sell myself as best I could, did what I thought was right but still no.

 

Maybe the worst thing of all is this

 

"maybe if I had said that she would have liked me" "maybe if I had done that she would have liked me"

 

More advice to the OP, don't second guess yourself no matter what the outcome is.

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Lets look at the bold part.

 

 

I can speak out of considerable experience on this, I'd be that person you describe in the above. Why do I think nothing of myself, well because each time I try this thing called dating I am reminded just how pathetic I am, 31yo no girlfriend EVER.

 

 

You find the positive there.

 

 

Add to that every person I pursue rejects me irrespective of what I project, how nice I am.

 

 

You find the positive there.

 

 

Thus I'd contend being realistic has nothing to do with optimism at all but rather assessing a set of facts and seeing exactly where one is when measure against a predetermined set of objectives.

 

 

Me, I hope to have at least been kissed by 25, here I am at 31 no closer to that than I was at 20.

 

Good things, sure, but good to who? Me or the people I am attempting to date.

 

 

I'd say a good job, diverse interests, the expensive lunches, supercars, the fact I write and speak well, the fact I don't treat ladies like objects, the fact I have a huge capacity to care, the fact I am generous or perhaps the fact I am tall, athletic, have published writing in some major magazines and I am busy writing a novel. Oh and add in a sense of world affairs and world politics.

 

 

Those are my good things but they aren't good to anyone else in the dating context, they are about as worthless as Vietnamese Dong would be at a department store on Park Avenue.

 

 

My point is this a large % of reality is defined by past experiences and how they shape today, positive experiences give a positive outlook, negative ones merely fuel self loathing and drain confidence.

 

 

As I mentioned in another thread, anyone who has found love, cherish it, I'd give anything to wake up with someone amazing next to me, to send them surprise flower, take them to dinner and be intellectually challenged, be that shoulder to cry on and that pillar of support.

Sorry, I was busy yesterday, but I think your post deserves an answer.Ideally I would love to engage in an extended discussion, but you may hate it and I value yours and my own time. So I will summarize in the hope it can be understood. There will be mistakes, misconceptions and whatnot, but hey, I'm only human.

 

I think most would agree one should firstly focus in healing/improving oneself before dating. Although plenty forget it, expecting the other person to heal or complete them (codependency). The problem is one cannot create a common space to be shared that is key for true intimacy to grow. So hosting unresolved issues at the core of your inner-self is a no go. Besides, women are usually more attuned to emotions and feelings (different socialization pressures there) and usually can smell these things better.

 

Plenty of boys have been socialized into the stoic role model, and suffer from a form of dissociation that withdraw from emotions/feelings perceived as feminine. This varies on degree, of course, but it's undeniably widespread.

 

These kids' identities are construed and based on a negation as a premise. Being a male is NOT being female, as opposed to being someone of an intrinsically value and unique qualities. In other words, someone deserving to being loved and cherished. Boyhood is rarely explained to these kids, either cos their fathers are just as clueless or simply cos it's the boy's job to find his place like with everything else he attempts. Boyhood seems then a ridicule and rigid stereotype...many end up with the pathological belief they are unimportant or an extension to support the girls (the latter group risk resenting them more).

 

Of course, to those kids who bought the lie, life has not much to offer beside work and sacrifice....kind of a variation from the American police slogan 'to protect and serve' (provide' would be more accurate than 'serve', though).

 

BTW an accepted explanation for a man having aggressive fantasies of women enjoying being 'used' with a big smile, as a way to give themselves permission to approach women, overcoming his excessive caring for a woman's safety. Unfortunately, some men fall by the slope, and end up so disconnected from their feelings that reject the natural appeal for women, they read it as weakness, they loathe themselves and resent women in varying degrees. Plenty of women misunderstand this. Having a hard time telling the difference between a healthy fantasy and a real abusive tendency.

 

This pathological belief can mount over the years/decades and finally numb when withdrawal -especially- from all positive input occurs (no joy and no cry, most get just angry). They also become emotionally resonant i.e having a hard time controlling/avoiding anger burst over minor things due to unresolved issues/traumas. At some point, it gets so bad that naturally the person makes the call to fix it. This requires a new attitude. Essentially, as with anything inner-self related, it takes being kind and honest by shifting the focus to introspection instead of the usual repression/nagging/self-loathing. Allowing themselves to be gentle as a starting point of the self-learning/healing process.

 

Regarding those realistic items/feats you listed. The importance you give them is all that matters. To me I see no reason in there for you to feel a failure. Heaps of unworthy men have girlfriends and the the opposite also holds true.

 

Love and intimacy are so called emergent phenomena (complexity/systems theory). Meaning, that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts/constituents combined. Growing love or building up intimacy in this context equals increasing its level of complexity...Ok not very clarifying, but what I try to say is we should stop fooling ourselves pretending to analyze under oversimplifications and overly biased premises.

 

In practice, everyone should rely more on building up something better for their lives through the old try and error method. Simply becoming more gutsy and doing what it feels right avoiding over the top expectations. That is because our emotions/feelings are like a compass, quite literally. Analytical thinking has its limitations and emotions complements them by 'guiding' us toward happiness (believe it or not I'm not making this up, nor I'm high on weed. Heck I don't even drink, simply avoiding scientific gibberish).

 

Every time we enjoy an experience, that adds up for better motivation and focus (reward system), improving our capacity to go further on. Those with self-esteem issues become a little more aware of their true possibilities, instead of holding on to the habit of their negative bias. Doing the things we enjoy, also puts us in a better position to acknowledge flaws and change them too (awareness). The key is to be kind to ourselves, and stop undervaluing our positive traits while shifting the focus in changing our flaws. Improving where there is room for it and simply accepting when that's not possible. Acknowledging, valuing and appreciating what is good, leads to a more balanced and realistic sense of self.

 

Finally, I know for experience that loosen up and trust -or even listen- our guts can be the most difficult thing to do. especially for some type of 'robotic' personalities (me here, I am so guilty of this). But as simple/easy/poor of a remedy as it seems, it is also the right thing to do. At least until we know more about the underlying system involved...I'm hopeful but won't hold my breath.

 

The goal in this journey, seems to 'know thy self' to improve your life. Summarizing, It all boils down to adding more to the mix!

 

Oh, and is never too late unless you're dead already!...the couple more alive that I know met at their 60s.

 

Best of Luck.

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I know it must be incredibly frustrating. For some people it happens so easily they barely have to lift a finger but that doesn't mean they have found a love that will last the test of time. Call me a romantic, but I like to believe the longer it takes to find, the more special it will be when it does. That is what I wish for you anyway ZA Dater.

 

I'd love to believe that, but after having been single for 3,5 years my heart has stabbed so many times by women, and poisoned by the associated bitterness, cynicism and countless times of having been rejected.

 

Seeing a friend who was single for 3 months suddenly get into a perfect relationship is extremely frustrating.

Especially when they got it handed to them on a silver platter without having to experience the pain, anger, disappointment, etc. of everything associated with dating.

The most demoralising thing is that I CONSTANTLY get rejected right off the bat based on age. Although I'm "only 23", I'm mentally equal to someone in their 30s.

Yet his gf is 31, and he's 26. I'd like to believe there's still some hope left for women, but I'm honestly starting to doubt it. :/

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La.Primavera
I'd love to believe that, but after having been single for 3,5 years my heart has stabbed so many times by women, and poisoned by the associated bitterness, cynicism and countless times of having been rejected.

 

Seeing a friend who was single for 3 months suddenly get into a perfect relationship is extremely frustrating.

Especially when they got it handed to them on a silver platter without having to experience the pain, anger, disappointment, etc. of everything associated with dating.

The most demoralising thing is that I CONSTANTLY get rejected right off the bat based on age. Although I'm "only 23", I'm mentally equal to someone in their 30s.

Yet his gf is 31, and he's 26. I'd like to believe there's still some hope left for women, but I'm honestly starting to doubt it. :/

 

The right woman will not judge you by your age but your heart. Please don't let these negative thoughts win. You deserve all the things your friend has, and will likely appreciate it even more when you get it.

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wow.. some of the biggest whiners I have seen....

 

Oh... I've been backstabbed... Oh.. no one likes me..

 

You know women do NOT want men who act like this. If you THINK it.. it SHOWS.

 

What... you think I didn't go through the same struggles. You don't see me complaining. Sure my friends easily get women.. so what? I'm not going head to head with my buddies. If anything, I'm going head to head with MYSELF.

 

Loved a girl and got backstabbed? Big deal.. you'll love again and do it all over till it finally works with one. Been there.. done that.. I got stronger when I got backstabbed and I'm happy about being stronger.

 

As soon as I started acting positive, happy and confident loving myself... I had no problem attracting all types of people in general. I'm an assole at times... but people still respect me. Why? because I don't give a **** if I come across being nice or an assole. I am who I am and people will accept me for that.

 

That's why I am happy and don't complain. I know **** will work out as long as I also take action. As in go on tons and tons of dates... and meet lot's of people. Dating isn't meant to be easy just as life it's tough. So toughen up, smile and keep trying till **** works.

 

One thing that really worked for me was working on myself. Getting my degree, going to the gym 4 times a week, further training and taking music lessons. Women LOVE that ****, because it shows you care about yourself and aren't a boring guy. I instantly got so many more dates because of my new change in lifestyle. It's hard to make the changes but so far I did it and it's working well for me.

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wow.. some of the biggest whiners I have seen....

 

Oh... I've been backstabbed... Oh.. no one likes me..

 

You know women do NOT want men who act like this. If you THINK it.. it SHOWS.

 

What... you think I didn't go through the same struggles. You don't see me complaining. Sure my friends easily get women.. so what? I'm not going head to head with my buddies. If anything, I'm going head to head with MYSELF.

 

Loved a girl and got backstabbed? Big deal.. you'll love again and do it all over till it finally works with one. Been there.. done that.. I got stronger when I got backstabbed and I'm happy about being stronger.

 

As soon as I started acting positive, happy and confident loving myself... I had no problem attracting all types of people in general. I'm an assole at times... but people still respect me. Why? because I don't give a **** if I come across being nice or an assole. I am who I am and people will accept me for that.

 

That's why I am happy and don't complain. I know **** will work out as long as I also take action. As in go on tons and tons of dates... and meet lot's of people. Dating isn't meant to be easy just as life it's tough. So toughen up, smile and keep trying till **** works.

 

One thing that really worked for me was working on myself. Getting my degree, going to the gym 4 times a week, further training and taking music lessons. Women LOVE that ****, because it shows you care about yourself and aren't a boring guy. I instantly got so many more dates because of my new change in lifestyle. It's hard to make the changes but so far I did it and it's working well for me.

 

Your reply did crack me up for a moment. :p

 

I meant to say: stabbed by women I've dated. Not necessarily loved.

What irks me isn't necessarily the fact of "being backstabbed" or "Loved a girl and got backstabbed", but rather having met several women with whom I clicked very well and even had matching hobbies at times...only for them to ghost on me or ultimately reject me because "they were too busy for a relationship, etc. etc." On the other hand, my friends...they practically got into a relationship after the 1st date lol.

 

Contrary to what you might think, for me it's considerably easier to talk about these things via a forum such as this.

In daily life, I think these things but I don't show them.

My friends always did say that I was a master at concealing things.

 

I've had the misfortune of being diagnosed with cancer several years ago.

I've already been forced to rebuild my personality and confidence twice from the ground up.

1st time from being cheated on, and 2nd time from cancer.

 

Everyone's different. Personally I'm not wired to be a douche due to being raised as an English gent with "old world values" which society throws out the window these days.

At this point in time I've just been rendered emotionally numb as a result of so many rejections.

The fact that I'm years ahead mentally compared to other guys my age also seems to be a detriment for my dating age bracket.

Women my age don't seem to be looking for this in a partner at all, and are just shocked to see that such guys do exist.

When they are confronted with that, all seem to have had the "too good to be true" mentality lol. xD

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I think she is interested in you. I wouldn't hang around a guy like she does if I wasn't interested in.

Just tell her how you feel and take things slowly? Even if she didn't feel anything about you before once you tell her how you feel towards her it might change something.

 

Good luck!

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Sorry, I was busy yesterday, but I think your post deserves an answer.Ideally I would love to engage in an extended discussion, but you may hate it and I value yours and my own time. So I will summarize in the hope it can be understood. There will be mistakes, misconceptions and whatnot, but hey, I'm only human.

 

I think most would agree one should firstly focus in healing/improving oneself before dating. Although plenty forget it, expecting the other person to heal or complete them (codependency). The problem is one cannot create a common space to be shared that is key for true intimacy to grow. So hosting unresolved issues at the core of your inner-self is a no go. Besides, women are usually more attuned to emotions and feelings (different socialization pressures there) and usually can smell these things better.

 

Plenty of boys have been socialized into the stoic role model, and suffer from a form of dissociation that withdraw from emotions/feelings perceived as feminine. This varies on degree, of course, but it's undeniably widespread.

 

These kids' identities are construed and based on a negation as a premise. Being a male is NOT being female, as opposed to being someone of an intrinsically value and unique qualities. In other words, someone deserving to being loved and cherished. Boyhood is rarely explained to these kids, either cos their fathers are just as clueless or simply cos it's the boy's job to find his place like with everything else he attempts. Boyhood seems then a ridicule and rigid stereotype...many end up with the pathological belief they are unimportant or an extension to support the girls (the latter group risk resenting them more).

 

Of course, to those kids who bought the lie, life has not much to offer beside work and sacrifice....kind of a variation from the American police slogan 'to protect and serve' (provide' would be more accurate than 'serve', though).

 

BTW an accepted explanation for a man having aggressive fantasies of women enjoying being 'used' with a big smile, as a way to give themselves permission to approach women, overcoming his excessive caring for a woman's safety. Unfortunately, some men fall by the slope, and end up so disconnected from their feelings that reject the natural appeal for women, they read it as weakness, they loathe themselves and resent women in varying degrees. Plenty of women misunderstand this. Having a hard time telling the difference between a healthy fantasy and a real abusive tendency.

 

This pathological belief can mount over the years/decades and finally numb when withdrawal -especially- from all positive input occurs (no joy and no cry, most get just angry). They also become emotionally resonant i.e having a hard time controlling/avoiding anger burst over minor things due to unresolved issues/traumas. At some point, it gets so bad that naturally the person makes the call to fix it. This requires a new attitude. Essentially, as with anything inner-self related, it takes being kind and honest by shifting the focus to introspection instead of the usual repression/nagging/self-loathing. Allowing themselves to be gentle as a starting point of the self-learning/healing process.

 

Regarding those realistic items/feats you listed. The importance you give them is all that matters. To me I see no reason in there for you to feel a failure. Heaps of unworthy men have girlfriends and the the opposite also holds true.

 

Love and intimacy are so called emergent phenomena (complexity/systems theory). Meaning, that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts/constituents combined. Growing love or building up intimacy in this context equals increasing its level of complexity...Ok not very clarifying, but what I try to say is we should stop fooling ourselves pretending to analyze under oversimplifications and overly biased premises.

 

In practice, everyone should rely more on building up something better for their lives through the old try and error method. Simply becoming more gutsy and doing what it feels right avoiding over the top expectations. That is because our emotions/feelings are like a compass, quite literally. Analytical thinking has its limitations and emotions complements them by 'guiding' us toward happiness (believe it or not I'm not making this up, nor I'm high on weed. Heck I don't even drink, simply avoiding scientific gibberish).

 

Every time we enjoy an experience, that adds up for better motivation and focus (reward system), improving our capacity to go further on. Those with self-esteem issues become a little more aware of their true possibilities, instead of holding on to the habit of their negative bias. Doing the things we enjoy, also puts us in a better position to acknowledge flaws and change them too (awareness). The key is to be kind to ourselves, and stop undervaluing our positive traits while shifting the focus in changing our flaws. Improving where there is room for it and simply accepting when that's not possible. Acknowledging, valuing and appreciating what is good, leads to a more balanced and realistic sense of self.

 

Finally, I know for experience that loosen up and trust -or even listen- our guts can be the most difficult thing to do. especially for some type of 'robotic' personalities (me here, I am so guilty of this). But as simple/easy/poor of a remedy as it seems, it is also the right thing to do. At least until we know more about the underlying system involved...I'm hopeful but won't hold my breath.

 

The goal in this journey, seems to 'know thy self' to improve your life. Summarizing, It all boils down to adding more to the mix!

 

Oh, and is never too late unless you're dead already!...the couple more alive that I know met at their 60s.

 

Best of Luck.

 

Really interesting post, thanks for taking the time to type it.

 

 

The parts which resonated strongest for me I have highlighted. From my perspective its near to impossible to heal from constant rejection in the dating arena. In reality the only really viable solution appears to remove myself completely from the dating arena so to speak.

 

 

I loathe myself to some degree but I don't harbour much resentment towards women, probably because I cannot change the very fabric of what women like.

 

 

Bold point three is particularly relevant for me, I am a passive person but the latest bout of rejection lead to exactly what you typed above, I had and still have the tendency to get angry about small things.

 

 

Over time I have been proven to be better off when I just apply analytical thinking, there was ONE exception where both merged and that was with the person I keep going on about here, call her K. Analytically she was/is the perfect match, emotionally the perfect match so I sailed along on the great huge hope, I then got smacked to the ground about as hard as bungee jumper with a snapped cable. The problem which nobody understands is each time I see her I just feel something, no sure what it is but maybe its the merging of emotional and analytical liking.

 

 

Each time (these don't happen often enough) I spend time with her I re motivated, my mind is stimulated and a part of me says "you can do this", but the reality knocks, the reality is she wont even friend zone me and I end up with an emotional "hangover" which lasts for weeks on end, accompanied by the aforementioned short temperedness.

 

 

Improving, friend sent me for a makeover, nice gesture but to be honest rather meaningless, I didn't feel any better, if anything all I felt and still feel is pitied. A new hair style and clothes aren't suddenly going to make me more attractive to K mentioned above.

 

 

I am often accused of being negative but how is being realistic deemed to be negative, same friend is now trying to set me up with a model, someone most of the guys on this forum would go mad over, me, I am not interested. I have spent time with her and there isn't collision of analytical and emotional attraction. People will say "oh go try" but for me if there is no attraction to the persons personality then there is no attraction at all, as shocking as that may sound.

 

 

Perhaps I have been wrong all these years, perhaps I traded too heavily on how nice I can be and neglected everything else, perhaps I resent that my worth is in how I dress and how my hair looks rather than in my personality, perhaps I resent years spent studying with no friends at all, perhaps if I had I'd be a better more attractive person for people like K.

 

 

The reality is and I don't really care who doesn't agree with me, its next to impossible at the age of 31 to acquire experience, EVERY female is going to want to know why one hasn't dated, inexperience smells from miles away and ultimately I have reached the stage where I have simply run out of any tangible options. Clubs don't interest me, nor do dating sites which proved to be an unmitigated disaster these past 7 years.

 

 

Once again those who have been lucky to enough that feeling of going on a special date with someone they like, cherish that.

 

 

I am out.

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Your reply did crack me up for a moment. :p

 

I meant to say: stabbed by women I've dated. Not necessarily loved.

What irks me isn't necessarily the fact of "being backstabbed" or "Loved a girl and got backstabbed", but rather having met several women with whom I clicked very well and even had matching hobbies at times...only for them to ghost on me or ultimately reject me because "they were too busy for a relationship, etc. etc." On the other hand, my friends...they practically got into a relationship after the 1st date lol.

 

Contrary to what you might think, for me it's considerably easier to talk about these things via a forum such as this.

In daily life, I think these things but I don't show them.

My friends always did say that I was a master at concealing things.

 

I've had the misfortune of being diagnosed with cancer several years ago.

I've already been forced to rebuild my personality and confidence twice from the ground up.

1st time from being cheated on, and 2nd time from cancer.

 

Everyone's different. Personally I'm not wired to be a douche due to being raised as an English gent with "old world values" which society throws out the window these days.

At this point in time I've just been rendered emotionally numb as a result of so many rejections.

The fact that I'm years ahead mentally compared to other guys my age also seems to be a detriment for my dating age bracket.

Women my age don't seem to be looking for this in a partner at all, and are just shocked to see that such guys do exist.

When they are confronted with that, all seem to have had the "too good to be true" mentality lol. xD

You don't have to be a jerk or be nice..

 

Your friends are giving you the RIGHT advice. And, that is NOT to be so concealing about things. Just say them as they are... people respect straight up people.

 

Once I started to speak up with how I felt. It improved many relationships, professional relationships and even ones with my friends and family. Sometimes, we as people need to HEAR what someone else wants or is going through.

 

If you want to work on one thing. I would say start working on being more expressive.

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