LookAtThisPOst Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I kind of know this woman from the Meetup site as she was intending on going to an event today for the 4th of July. Then, she changed her RSVP to no...so there'd be no getting to know her...however, I did see that she was on OK Cupid, so figured I had a shot at getting to know her there. I mentioned that I had seen her around on the RSVP list, but as of yet to meet her, but figured since she was on OK CUpid, I'd corresond with her that way. She mentioned that she changed her RSVP to "No" because a family emergency came up. Also, she said she was taking down her profile because she was struggling with online dating. Men wanting to just do the FWB thing. The most commonly expressed criticism from women when it comes to online dating. Usually I think some people are full of it when they reply, "Yeah, I've been on this site, but got tired of the pervs and weirdos wanting to bang me. As soon as I went to reply, her profile vanished. Though I wanted to reply, "You won't have to worry about that with me, people in the Meetup can vouche I'm not in it for the sex." The profile went "Bye-bye". Funny, how my timing is perfect when they decide delete their profile at the time where I could prove "I'm not like the others." Link to post Share on other sites
NinjaTurtlesAreCool Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 That's unfortunate but a lot of that does go on, sadly. I know women who have taken their profiles down because of similar things. The really unfortunate thing is that, while you are a genuine person, there are an awful lot that say they are but turn out not to be. I can see why some people do get so jaded and cynical about dating sites! While my own experiences have been mostly positive, I have experienced similar things - when I was about 6 months into using dating sites, I think the thing that surprised me was the number of women also looking for FWB type arrangements or threesomes. I remember one who sounded great and we got talking on there and she suddenly said "I have something to confess - I have a boyfriend". at which point, I wondered where that was going! It turned out they were into threesomes and they thought I looked like I'd be up for it (this is despite my profile always being very clear that I want no such thing). On another occasion I got plagued with texts and messages from someone who told me she had a "lust crush" on me, this was without even meeting me first! And let's not get started on the American lady who stalked me for months, when I told her to leave me alone and that I wasn't interested she told me that she knew me better than I knew myself... this was without having ever met me in person! I have had times when I've been cynical about the whole thing myself but I've taught myself that if I'm a decent, honest person, genuinely looking for a proper meaningful relationship then there's absolutely no reason that there wouldn't be a woman who is the same, buried in amongst all the weird, pervy and just unsuitable women. The odds are that she is feeling the same about guys! It's sad as it sounds like that lady you were talking to has missed out on someone by assuming everybody is the same. All you can do is resolve to keep looking and not fall into the same trap yourself, pushing away someone who could be a great match. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Good point Ninja, I think the online dating sites, esp. the free ones, are an asylum to the "discrete". Like if someone is on the "outs" with their b/f or g/f...they use it as some kind of an escapism when things go wrong on the homefront with their current sig. other. Some use it as an ego boost and nothing more. It's an extension of Facebook/social media for the purpose of attention seeking. Some even throw in screen names to their Instagram accts. It's quick access to sex, so even if the sex seeker gets rejected , it's easy to point and click rather quickly. Why go to a bar, chat up a woman, get t know her, etc....put in ALL that work, get rejected at the bar...when it's more efficient to get rejected online. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Usually I think some people are full of it when they reply, "Yeah, I've been on this site, but got tired of the pervs and weirdos wanting to bang me. Why do you think people are full of it when they say that? Most women I have met say the same thing. Especially the real hot ones. Most of them go on for a bit then they get burnt out from all the messages many of which are written by dysfunctional loser guys that get off on sending messages laced with sexual content. The key is to get to them before they become jaded. Or when they're back online to give it another chance. Its all about the timing, and some good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Why do you think people are full of it when they say that? Most women I have met say the same thing. Especially the real hot ones. Most of them go on for a bit then they get burnt out from all the messages many of which are written by dysfunctional loser guys that get off on sending messages laced with sexual content. The key is to get to them before they become jaded. Or when they're back online to give it another chance. Its all about the timing, and some good luck. Yeah, I've had a better response rate with brand new faces to the site, even dates. Veterans are jaded. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Discrete = individual, individual parts Discreet = private, on the low 6 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I don't think it's a great idea to contact someone on a dating site to ask her why she changed her RSVP to a meetup event. I understand that you mean no harm, but it comes across as cyberstalking. Most women won't respond positively to that. I, for one, would have blocked you on both sites as soon as that happened. In fact, many women wouldn't respond well even if you had kept it to the same site. Why is some random guy monitoring their RSVP and quizzing them about their reasons for declining? I would just go to the Meetup event today, see who shows up, and chat with those people. That's most likely to yield a positive outcome. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I don't think it's a great idea to contact someone on a dating site to ask her why she changed her RSVP to a meetup event. I understand that you mean no harm, but it comes across as cyberstalking. Most women won't respond positively to that. I, for one, would have blocked you on both sites as soon as that happened. In fact, many women wouldn't respond well even if you had kept it to the same site. Why is some random guy monitoring their RSVP and quizzing them about their reasons for declining? I would just go to the Meetup event today, see who shows up, and chat with those people. That's most likely to yield a positive outcome. Actually, I had seen her OK Cupid prior to the event, but decided not to contact her on OK Cupid and just wait for the event, until she changed plans. I never asked her why she RSVP'ed, "No." Never "Quizzed" her. Just said I had noticed that she changed her RSVP as we were kind of bantering back and forth in the chat section about what to bring for food/paper plates/hot dogs, etc, but that luckily that I had seen her on OK Cupid as a kind of a second chance to get to know her. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Yeah, the bad ones ruin it for everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 ...but that luckily that I had seen her on OK Cupid as a kind of a second chance to get to know her. Has this tactic ever worked with women you initially contacted on Meetup? Or does it result in excuses? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Usually I think some people are full of it when they reply, "Yeah, I've been on this site, but got tired of the pervs and weirdos wanting to bang me. As soon as I went to reply, her profile vanished. Though I wanted to reply, "You won't have to worry about that with me, people in the Meetup can vouche I'm not in it for the sex." The profile went "Bye-bye". Funny, how my timing is perfect when they decide delete their profile at the time where I could prove "I'm not like the others." So if you already thought she was full of it by then why did you even want to reply? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 So if you already thought she was full of it by then why did you even want to reply? I didn't think she was full of it, I was just speaking generally SOME women are full of it...but she proved otherwise when she deleted her profile. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I didn't think she was full of it, I was just speaking generally SOME women are full of it...but she proved otherwise when she deleted her profile. She probably deleted mid convo as you were a being a bit cyber stalky there... That would creep me out, and has done in the past. It's kinda weird to not give a person space when they have obviously chosen not to attend something for whatever reason. I wouldn't have mailed her if I were you. Had she wanted further contact with you she would have passed on her details via meet up - it's what you do if you are interested but leaving a site/meet up for whatever reason. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 If some woman that I've never met before contacted me on a dating site about a meetup event that I decided to no longer attend, I would feel the same way the women posting here said they would feel. First I would think, why is this woman contacting me here instead of meetup? And then I'd think, what business is it of hers why I decided not to go to the event? I think you overstep boundaries that you aren't even aware exist. And then when posters here tell you that you are overstepping boundaries, you don't try to understand why they might say that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I think you overstep boundaries that you aren't even aware exist. And then when posters here tell you that you are overstepping boundaries, you don't try to understand why they might say that. Precisely this. Again, I'm sure you mean well. But this type of behavior is totally counterproductive to getting women to date you. If you can't recognize social boundaries while you're still essentially strangers, imagine the potential difficulty if she ever agreed to a date and then lost interest. Many women aren't going to risk that potential nightmare. You aren't coming across as someone who understands "no" or "no longer interested." You think it's banter, but this woman was not your friend. Why are you commenting on her RSVP then following her to a different site? Lots of people cancel at the last minute. Why did you single her out? Just go to your meetup events. Chat with the people who show up, and take it from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) It's sad when someone has to delete a profile because ONE person can't take a hint, or gets creepy. You were so far out of line. Perhaps she blocked you vs deleting her profile? I hope. You have a huge problem with social cues/interactions - what's acceptable and what's not. Who do you think she means she she refers to 'weirdos'? Edited July 4, 2015 by MidwestUSA 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 It's sad when someone has to delete a profile because ONE person can't take a hint, or gets creepy. You were so far out of line. Perhaps she blocked you vs deleting her profile? I hope. You have a huge problem with social cues/interactions - what's acceptable and what's not. Who do you think she means she she refers to 'weirdos'? Don't turn this around on me, she explicitly meant people just looking for casual sex. She didn't block me, the message says "<user> no longer has an an account", which means she deleted it. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Definitely seems a bit stalkerish to me, I would flee too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 What is the chat feature on Meet Up like? Is it a group chat visible to all or is it a private chat thing? My only other thought is whether she pulled out of the event if she was feeling too pressured when you were chatting to her on there. Being singled out is awkward when you're on the receiving end. I had a thing before dating site meets a few times where guys would focus conversation just on me and a coupe of times it was like they were taking all the fun out of going to the event for me by kinda 'claiming me' before I had a chance to go along, meet people and figure whether I was interested in anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I kind of know this woman from the Meetup site as she was intending on going to an event today for the 4th of July. Then, she changed her RSVP to no...so there'd be no getting to know her...however, I did see that she was on OK Cupid, so figured I had a shot at getting to know her there. I mentioned that I had seen her around on the RSVP list, but as of yet to meet her, but figured since she was on OK CUpid, I'd corresond with her that way. Let's keep this simple, since you're resistant to the feedback you're getting. You've never met this woman. She's not a friend. She's a stranger who happens to belong to the same meetup group. Commenting on her RSVPs and inquiring about her choice not to attend? Inappropriate. Following her online to another site to "connect" because that's no longer an option on the first site? Highly inappropriate. You've gotten the reverse of what you wanted because of your approach. Please consider that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Don't turn this around on me, she explicitly meant people just looking for casual sex. She didn't block me, the message says "<user> no longer has an an account", which means she deleted it. Women get offers for casual sex all the time. Sure, we'll talk about it. You can read all you want right here in the dating section. Hunting someone down as you did is a whole different level of weird. I'm not turning it around on you; you're the one that did the deed. Rester said it best, and he's a GUY! Go read it again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 OP, I feel like you meant well and are sincere but I ditto what the others are saying about feeling stalkerish. I don't mean as a true dangerous stalker, but more being too forward and not just allowing things to evolve in an organic and natural process. For me, and many others, I enjoy Meet up groups because even though some of them are singles groups, they aren't intended as a dating group (unless thats the mission of that particular group, and I don't join those.) I feel like its a nice reprieve and excellent way to get to know people in general, and the most likely place for me to get to know a man of special interest and start a relationship. The reason for this, is that I can get to know them *over time* in natural social environments, and see how they are in general, before growing a genuine mutual interest and then going out together. Rather than a 2-D cyber profile that tells me absolutely nothing, and many times is a hotbed of falsehoods and waste of time. Since I feel the meet ups are a sheltered environment, I don't like it when a guy immediately asks me out after one meet up when I talked to him 10 minutes. This isn't his fault. Its not my fault either. Its about personal comfort levels. I am not a shy person at all and I have dated a lot, so I suspect there are many others who feel as I do. I haven't always been this guarded at all, and I am also not jaded at all. Right before I went off OLD (for the last time!!!) I had a similar experience as you describe. I was chatting here and there with someone from OLD site, but wasn't on it much b/c I wanted to drop the site anyway. Near the same time I joined a Meet up. I had seen his pic on the groups roster. So I hoped it wouldn't be a problem and I could just enjoy the group the way I wanted to, at a slow and natural pace. But he also recognized me and started to be really aggressive chatting me up and following me around making it awkward for me to talk to other people. I think he is a good guy, just misguided. I think that he felt that since I was on a dating site, I was actively seeking a dating partner everywhere I went. In actuality, I don't see meet ups as dating applications, I see them as avenues to get to know people. So in summary, he wasn't a creep and he is a good guy, but I was turned off by what I felt was aggression and I ended up dropping the group so I could avoid him (I am in a bunch of others) and dropped the OLD site which I was going to do anyway. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) I hate to pile on but, yeah. Asking a woman for casual sex is one thing, telling a woman you just made contact with that you've been keeping tabs on her e.g., her Meetup RSVPs is another thing on a different much worse level. Good news and bad news: The other "weirdos" didn't ruin it for you with this woman. If she were interested she would have seen you as a refreshing change and she would have furthered things along instead of deleting her profile. I agree with what rester and the others say. You are probably well-intentioned but socially clueless, and you are clumsily stepping across women's boundaries in ways that you aren't understanding. What is frustrating is that you seem unwilling to consider what we all have been saying, hence all your threads which seem like repeats. Thing is, if you start considering what you are being told in your threads, you can improve things. Edited July 6, 2015 by Imajerk17 6 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Woman says she's taking her profile down bc of weirdos. OP stalks her on a different site to ask why she changed her rsvp. Fails to see how weird he's being. Classic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts