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Firstly as always feel free to be really honest!

 

Went out with a friend tonight and met a few people. Am not looking to go on a date but thought doesn't harm to meet anyone.

 

I couldn't connect on a conversation level with any of them, there was just nothing, sure I did try very hard not to switch off to the mundane conversation. Was just extremely difficult to get in the conversation with 6 people. It's 1 am here and I just feel quite down, not sure why, maybe because I just felt like a total misfit.

 

Going forward should I try avoid these random social things, nobody was single baring one female but she was not interested in even talking to me.

 

Really don't know why I feel like such a looser, yes my confidence is totally gone around females, I should mention the conversation was better with the guys where I could find some common ground but even then it was just mundane.

 

Granted I have given up on dating but as far as trying to find female friends, how does a guy ever find common ground and easy conversation with females. Had it twice before but seems very hit and miss.

 

My mindset after this is very much just focus on work and other things I am busy with but maybe I am trying to cover a metaphorically huge hole with metaphorical wall paper.

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Granted I have given up on dating but as far as trying to find female friends, *how does a guy ever find common ground and easy conversation with females. Had it twice before but seems very hit and miss.

 

 

*Become a really good listener.

 

Clever talkers are ten a penny, but good listeners are rare.

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I don't usually like hanging out in groups that big for that reason.

 

 

 

This is just one evening. It's best if you don't even worry about whether or not some single girl is interested in you. That stress will shine through in your personality. Women are attracted to fun like a moth to a flame. If you are there having a great time, without a care in the world, that's when they will start to pay more attention to you.

 

Some good stuff here.

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I_Squared_R

Your biggest critic is yourself. No one went home and said "Hey that guy didn't have the best conversation".

 

Keep at it and get over that negativity you carry.

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Thanks for the advice everyone. Just really felt like a fish out of water.

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Do not avoid social outings. Go out as much as you can and meet as many people as you can.

 

As far as talking to women, just talk to them like you would talk to a man. It's not like women are a different species whose language you don't speak. You can find common ground with ladies, too.

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It's difficult I guess to try and clean the slate and I think what was worse in this instance is said friend then tells one of the in single females " oh he is a great guy just lacks confidence " while it is true I just felk really awkward from that point on.

 

One of things I do lately after the end of my poor dating career is just take the emotion out of everything, reduce it to logic. It's probably difficult to admit this but would be nice for a female to take interest in me on a pure friend basis, I'd simply just love some attention.

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It's difficult I guess to try and clean the slate and I think what was worse in this instance is said friend then tells one of the in single females " oh he is a great guy just lacks confidence " while it is true I just felk really awkward from that point on.

 

One of things I do lately after the end of my poor dating career is just take the emotion out of everything, reduce it to logic. It's probably difficult to admit this but would be nice for a female to take interest in me on a pure friend basis, I'd simply just love some attention.

 

Is this the same "helpful" friend again?

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Is this the same "helpful" friend again?

 

How did you guess haha. I may be in for a repeat of the above this evening, still deciding if I am going to go. The prelude was he saw one of these females the prior day and " I told her all about you" I already didn't like that and " she will look after you "_ fact is she said 3 words to me all evening.

 

He tried to get me to chat to the single one. She didn't interest me and vice versa. Talking in a friend context here.

 

Thing is I think the fundamentals are wrong, I don't really work in a club environment nor in large groups. Yes going out was of value but when it made me feel like I was on a different planet.

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I am starting to think I need a confidence boost somehow. Nevertheless it's a lovely sunny winters day I can go out and enjoy that and try not let this get to me.

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It's difficult I guess to try and clean the slate and I think what was worse in this instance is said friend then tells one of the in single females " oh he is a great guy just lacks confidence " while it is true I just felt really awkward from that point on.

.

 

...and I guess she also felt extremely awkward too, nothing worse that being the only two singles and being under scrutiny by the rest of the group who are checking to see if there are any signs of "romance".

From the attached side of the fence it is great fun, from the single side of the fence it can be mortifying.

I guess that is why she avoided talking to you, especially if she is shy or nervous of strangers anyway.

 

Recognise she is also under pressure here and try and alleviate the tension. Make an effort to talk to her, you are both in the same boat after all.

Are you going to dinner or is it going to be less formal?

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...and I guess she also felt extremely awkward too, nothing worse that being the only two singles and being under scrutiny by the rest of the group who are checking to see if there are any signs of "romance".

From the attached side of the fence it is great fun, from the single side of the fence it can be mortifying.

I guess that is why she avoided talking to you, especially if she is shy or nervous of strangers anyway.

 

Recognise she is also under pressure here and try and alleviate the tension. Make an effort to talk to her, you are both in the same boat after all.

Are you going to dinner or is it going to be less formal?

 

The joke and is the one he told all about me isnt single. The one who was single didn't so much as greet me. Deciding if I am going to go, last night was drinks, I don't drink so already was under scrutiny.

 

As I say and it sounds sad but this is why in some ways if I am going to go out I'd rather go on my own and just chill on my own, yes that paints me as a loner. For whatever reason I have seldom been able to relate to females.

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One woman wasn't interested, so you're ready to quit meeting people? Goodness. You need to toughen up.

 

To make yourself more interesting to talk to and to have more subjects on which you can connect, broaden your hobbies and interests. Take a basic cooking class. Take an art class of some sort. Take up a new physical passtime. Read different kinds of books. See more movies. Watch different things on tv. Try not to be narrow in your interests so you can connect with more people. And yes, as others said, ask questions and be a good listener. But you have to get over the notion that because there's you the only single guy and her the only single girl, that this alone makes any type of match. You need to meet more people, not less people. You need to approach meeting women as if the only thing on your mind isn't working up to having sex with them but just try to find out something about them before you make up your mind, Oh, she's reasonably pretty, she'll do. That attitude is insulting to women. We don't want you to only want us for how we look. We want you to like us for who we are AND like the way we look. So stop acting as if they're targets and potential sex partners and just talk to them like you talk to your male friends, without an agenda written on your forehead.

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One woman wasn't interested, so you're ready to quit meeting people? Goodness. You need to toughen up.

 

To make yourself more interesting to talk to and to have more subjects on which you can connect, broaden your hobbies and interests. Take a basic cooking class. Take an art class of some sort. Take up a new physical passtime. Read different kinds of books. See more movies. Watch different things on tv. Try not to be narrow in your interests so you can connect with more people. And yes, as others said, ask questions and be a good listener. But you have to get over the notion that because there's you the only single guy and her the only single girl, that this alone makes any type of match. You need to meet more people, not less people. You need to approach meeting women as if the only thing on your mind isn't working up to having sex with them but just try to find out something about them before you make up your mind, Oh, she's reasonably pretty, she'll do. That attitude is insulting to women. We don't want you to only want us for how we look. We want you to like us for who we are AND like the way we look. So stop acting as if they're targets and potential sex partners and just talk to them like you talk to your male friends, without an agenda written on your forehead.

 

Your post is so far off base I wonder if your read the initial post at all. Firstly I am not looking to have sex at all. Secondly I am not looking for a gf. Point is I can talk about many things just not mundane things, asking questions is largely pointless if they ask you nothing.

 

I never went to this meet up to find anyone, never my intention i went with a friend and he was trying to get me to talk to the females, who pretty much ignored me.

 

I enjoy current affairs, most people don't seemingly, I like debating, most people don't.

 

Point being I can sit at home working on my novel than trying to make small talk with people who don't interest me that much.

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I_Squared_R
Point being I can sit at home working on my novel than trying to make small talk with people who don't interest me that much.

 

There it is right there! You like writing novels. I learned a long time ago that people don't care about my hobbies and interest. People are selfish and they enjoy their hobbies and interests. To be relevant you need to talk about what they like. It would also help if you participated in activities that other people with your interests would be doing. I don't know what that is, but I am sure you would.

 

All through high school people would think that I was odd that I liked what I liked. It was very difficult to meet like minded people like myself. Fortunately there was forums online that like minded people would go on and I met a ton of my friends through that. You'd be surprised how many people are actually local to you.

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There it is right there! You like writing novels. I learned a long time ago that people don't care about my hobbies and interest. People are selfish and they enjoy their hobbies and interests. To be relevant you need to talk about what they like. It would also help if you participated in activities that other people with your interests would be doing. I don't know what that is, but I am sure you would.

 

All through high school people would think that I was odd that I liked what I liked. It was very difficult to meet like minded people like myself. Fortunately there was forums online that like minded people would go on and I met a ton of my friends through that. You'd be surprised how many people are actually local to you.

 

Local in south Africa...

 

I had similar problem through hs but at least then some remotely decent females were interested.

 

I do talk about what they like but one can only go so far with the mundane. Sure last night I could look around and there were attractive females, most paired up but again the whole thing is very cliquey.

 

Maybe I was just totally off form last night or maybe I looked around at people younger than me who had great pretty, intelligent partners.

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Elected not to go out and just had dinner with a business friend of mine, he knows my past issues with dating and as such its merely an elephant in the room we both choose to ignore.

 

 

What I did realise is I am not fantastic in groups, especially in a loud environment where its difficult to communicate but I also learnt there is a type of person I am not interested in at all on any level.

 

 

Besides that I just felt dam old!

 

 

A lot is made on this forum about going out and there being lots of people and one just needs to weed through them, all good advice in theory, reality is inexperience is akin to trying to fight with two hands behind your back. Did the one female genuinely want to help me, I prefer not to think of myself as someone's pity project.

 

 

I do have to admit she was very nice but very taken!

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Firstly as always feel free to be really honest!

 

Went out with a friend tonight and met a few people. Am not looking to go on a date but thought doesn't harm to meet anyone.

 

I couldn't connect on a conversation level with any of them, there was just nothing, sure I did try very hard not to switch off to the mundane conversation. Was just extremely difficult to get in the conversation with 6 people. It's 1 am here and I just feel quite down, not sure why, maybe because I just felt like a total misfit.

 

Going forward should I try avoid these random social things, nobody was single baring one female but she was not interested in even talking to me.

 

Really don't know why I feel like such a looser, yes my confidence is totally gone around females, I should mention the conversation was better with the guys where I could find some common ground but even then it was just mundane.

 

Granted I have given up on dating but as far as trying to find female friends, how does a guy ever find common ground and easy conversation with females. Had it twice before but seems very hit and miss.

 

My mindset after this is very much just focus on work and other things I am busy with but maybe I am trying to cover a metaphorically huge hole with metaphorical wall paper.

 

Considering that what seems like the main point of your post is you were downhearted because the one female wasn't interested and then followed by saying you're trying to find female friends and hard to have conversation with females, I don't think I misread your post at all. But I am beginning to see why you're having problems with people wanting to talk to you.

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Your post is so far off base I wonder if your read the initial post at all. Firstly I am not looking to have sex at all. Secondly I am not looking for a gf. Point is I can talk about many things just not mundane things, asking questions is largely pointless if they ask you nothing.

 

I never went to this meet up to find anyone, never my intention i went with a friend and he was trying to get me to talk to the females, who pretty much ignored me.

 

I enjoy current affairs, most people don't seemingly, I like debating, most people don't.

 

Point being I can sit at home working on my novel than trying to make small talk with people who don't interest me that much.

 

Go to places where you can find other people who like to debate and/or write. Get comfortable talking with and to them because they are out there. Listen more. Then, when you are more fluid in listening well and chatting to people extend your skills to other circles. This will extend your range of experience and skills and your confidence in them. If you still don't start to meet people within those circles that you connect with then extend a bit further. Laugh more, laughing is incredibly intoxicating. You *are* still very young (I don't mean to sound patronising) and it's evident from some of your more recent posts that you are trying to adjust your mindset. Keep going! If nothing else you'll hone your social skills which will help in all sorts of scenarios.

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Considering that what seems like the main point of your post is you were downhearted because the one female wasn't interested and then followed by saying you're trying to find female friends and hard to have conversation with females, I don't think I misread your post at all. But I am beginning to see why you're having problems with people wanting to talk to you.

 

None them were in my league anyway, single or not. That I established in 5 minutes.

 

The point was really that was just so difficult to find common ground.

 

Thanks for you honesty.

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Go to places where you can find other people who like to debate and/or write. Get comfortable talking with and to them because they are out there. Listen more. Then, when you are more fluid in listening well and chatting to people extend your skills to other circles. This will extend your range of experience and skills and your confidence in them. If you still don't start to meet people within those circles that you connect with then extend a bit further. Laugh more, laughing is incredibly intoxicating. You *are* still very young (I don't mean to sound patronising) and it's evident from some of your more recent posts that you are trying to adjust your mindset. Keep going! If nothing else you'll hone your social skills which will help in all sorts of scenarios.

 

Trust me I didn't feel young at all, guys younger than me with really nice gfs. There I sit never having had one.

 

I am trying much as possible to just keep my mind occupied so I don't feel lonely and such a pathetic looser. It works but on Fri evening it didnt, mostly because I looked around me at what everyone else had.

 

It's extremely difficult to find a common mindset, I have found it twice before but I just couldn't for whatever reason appeal to them at a friend level. Both of those were people who took some interest in me.

 

When I finish my novel I may dedicate it to all those who have never had a gf. It does have a romance element which is me living vicariously through writing.

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