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Married twice...red flag?


LookAtThisPOst

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LookAtThisPOst

There had been a few women so far that I had dated or talked to that, probably had been in their mid to late 40's that had been married twice.

 

Could this be a red flag to you? Or does it depend on the situation?

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There had been a few women so far that I had dated or talked to that, probably had been in their mid to late 40's that had been married twice.

 

Could this be a red flag to you? Or does it depend on the situation?

 

Maybe.... depends. Try to find out why... look for personality traits or actions that you either like or don't like.

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salparadise

I've run into a bunch that have been married twice. Typical scenario is a very short first marriage (months) when she was very young, then a 10+ year marriage w/ kids, and a second divorce in late 40s or early 50s. Not sure I'd call it a red flag, but it certainly does not escape my attention.

 

If I were to marry again I'd prefer to be with someone who is serious about the 'til death do us part, for better or worse, richer or poorer clause. But on the other hand, if I were to really fall in love, compatibility factors were pretty well aligned, and she has a low-conflict, high attention way of interacting... I would not consider it a deal breaker. I do have a bit of angst thinking about being husband #3, whereas #2 seems completely normal.

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Art_Critic

Who is to know why someone gets divorced, could very well be 100% out of their control.. ie: cheating husband so why hold 2 marriages against someone.. now 5... then I think you have a pattern but 2 still falls into the give them the benefit of the doubt area.

 

I would ask them though about their marriages/divorces.. I've been divorced once.. is that a red flag ? I divorced her for reasons of my own personal safety and well being and I could not do the roller coaster anymore.. did I carry some baggage from it, sure.. for a while but red flag.. no way.

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Personally, for me, I couldn't do it. I take marriage very seriously and provided that I do get married sometime in the near future, she would have to be a psychopath for me to consider getting a divorce.

 

But, then again, I also screen out the ladies very heavily before I decide to marry someone and I feel those who gets married and divorced twice already in their lives hasn't did this enough. It is even worse when it becomes easier to screen out the people as you get older.

 

So being a woman's 3rd husband would be outside of my range. If I get divorced twice, I am certainly not getting married again.....and I certainly can't feel like I am special to her when I am her 3rd husband.

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Art_Critic
and I certainly can't feel like I am special to her when I am her 3rd husband.

 

Those are the reality's of life.. once you have lived more of it.. meaning gone thru a divorce or even 2 then your reality changes and you take life as it comes.. you would find someone special again.. that is why people re-marry over and over..

 

I know people who are divorced for not reason of their own, a husband who announced 6 months into the marriage he was gay, or someone who says they no longer love you, you drift apart...

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For me it would be a red flag. I just don't buy into "young and dumb" stuff, if you aren't able to control your actions and actively shape your own future with at least minor awareness for reality... I definitely wouldn't commit to such a person. Casual dating yes, but not serious.

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GorillaTheater

I can see it being a red flag, but the way I define it, a red flag is simply something that merits inquiry. You would rightly wonder how the first two marriages went down, and it's worth your time to make sure you're okay with the circumstances.

 

It's not the same thing as a deal-breaker. And no, simply having two prior marriages should not be an automatic deal-breaker. I mean, unless that person is 22 or something.

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LookAtThisPOst
For me it would be a red flag. I just don't buy into "young and dumb" stuff, if you aren't able to control your actions and actively shape your own future with at least minor awareness for reality... I definitely wouldn't commit to such a person. Casual dating yes, but not serious.

 

casual dating maybe I knew a man who was dating a woman exclusively as his girlfriend for about 3 years she was married 2 times and he was counting on never getting married because he was a confirmed bachelor and by dating her specifically would mean her not pushing for marriage but unfortunately she was hinting at marriage about three years down the road needless to say he took off.

 

I am thinking that such a woman may be good for casual dating meaning having fun if you know what I mean and companionship when going on excursions like traveling companion or anything similar but if you're okay with not having a future with this person and they are the same view and kind them both more than likely will be okay with this.

 

this also may apply to some this person will be more like a friends with benefits situation on a more exclusive level a girlfriend or boyfriend but with no toll mean however.

 

I do know my neighbors who are living together where the woman has been married twice and divorced twice any idea how are getting married a third time makes her cringe but she is okay with cohabitating with no end in sight

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Having been divorced twice is definitely a red flag. Everyone no doubt has a story as to why it was their spouse's fault, but realistically, if you look at the statistics, the failure rate of second marriages is much higher than that of firsts, and the failure rate of third marriages is significantly higher even than that of second marriages, so people who've been divorced twice likely have problems that impede their relationship.

 

So I'd say having two divorces under their belt is reason to consider caution in evaluating the potential viability of their future relationships, whoever with.

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LookAtThisPOst

I would ask her why. If it's the "we grew apart" or "I had to go find myself" bullcrap answer, I may just date her casually and not consider marriage with her.

 

Funny thing, I must have known a dozen women in their mid-40's that have been married/divorced twice.

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If it means a lot to you, avoid women with two divorces in their history. It depends upon you and what you consider important.

 

I’m divorced twice and you bet it means I made some horrendous decisions! And I mean real doozies. Well, one was a HUGE mistake, the other kind of a medium mistake. :laugh: My BF has had two divorces too, so we’re on a level playing field in the regard. We’re mutually flawed! :)

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each successive marriage has a higher divorce rate. yes 2 failed marriages would be a red flag.

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There had been a few women so far that I had dated or talked to that, probably had been in their mid to late 40's that had been married twice.

 

Could this be a red flag to you? Or does it depend on the situation?

Not uncommon in my demographic. Married first time to get out of parent's house, then D'd in late 20's and remarried and got another D in late 30's/early 40's. Similar circumstances for single mothers who didn't marry the father(s) of their children. My concentrated periods of dating women my own age occurred in my late 20's and again in late thirties, coinciding with more women coming on the dating market due to marital breakups and, to a lesser degree, LTR breakups. I married a twice divorced woman shortly after age 40.

 

I never saw it as a red flag and, if I had, I'd never have been married, nor dated much.

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It's absolutely a red flag to me. I consider one failed marriage a red flag and always try to find out what caused it to fail. Depending on the reasons, I might not date her.

 

You'll just get a one sided story.

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casual dating maybe I knew a man who was dating a woman exclusively as his girlfriend for about 3 years she was married 2 times and he was counting on never getting married because he was a confirmed bachelor and by dating her specifically would mean her not pushing for marriage but unfortunately she was hinting at marriage about three years down the road needless to say he took off.

 

Pretty harmless story these days; read once about a woman in her mid-30s who had 6 marriages under her belt, always ending due to her infidelity - and still she found a new doormat to marry her.

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You'll just get a one sided story..

Which is why I guess how the divorced person describes their marriage and their spouse are key. If, say, the divorce was amicable, they take some blame for its failure, and retain a positive opinion of the former spouse, then they may be a mature exception. But if it's the standard 'all my spouse's fault' spiel then even if they are being completely honest (which is probably close to never), they are still telling you that they likely make poor choices. And it rarely ever is entirely the other's fault, usually they are part of the problem. .

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Pardon, the Op said "married twice" never said divorced twice.

 

My aunt was married thrice. first hubby killed in vietnam, second husband died of cancer, she is now on her third marriage and never once did she stray. She is one tough cookie! So if someone can tell me that is a red flag or that I misread the original scenario as stated by the Op, then perhaps we need to take into account various scenarios and character traits.

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LookAtThisPOst
Pardon, the Op said "married twice" never said divorced twice.

 

My aunt was married thrice. first hubby killed in vietnam, second husband died of cancer, she is now on her third marriage and never once did she stray. She is one tough cookie! So if someone can tell me that is a red flag or that I misread the original scenario as stated by the Op, then perhaps we need to take into account various scenarios and character traits.

 

That's what I meant, divorced twice as well. Every woman I've met so far that has been married twice had also been divorced twice...could only fit so much in the headline.

 

Interestingly the last woman I went out with kept the last name of her first husband only because she shares said last name of her adult daughter.

Edited by LookAtThisPOst
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sportygirl89

My mom is my dad's third wife. It can work. I think it helped since my parents were in their 30's and 40's not 20's. My parents have been together for 28 years. Depends on the maturity of the couple.

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The older a person is when they marry ( despite their number of marriages), the less likely they are to divorce. Age is the big factor. There are plenty of stats on this. Older people just want to chill and be settled.

Edited by Popsicle
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Arieswoman

OP,

It isn't necessarily a red flag.

 

There is a difference between someone who realised they were in an unsatisfying marriage and got out, or someone who stayed there, cheated and then got thrown out.

 

All the divorced women I know didn't want to get divorced, but were pushed into it by their husband's bad behaviour, drink/cheating/abuse etc. So you can't say that it was their fault or that they made poor choices necessarily. We all know we can't control anyone else's behaviour, only our own.

 

One of my friends was married for 35 years when her husband told her he wanted to become a woman. She is now divorced. No-one could say it was her fault.

 

Just take your time if you aren't sure.

Edited by Arieswoman
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It's entirely possible that the problem is with the social construct of marriage. I mean, this forum alone is testament to the difficulties that we humans encounter in finding and maintaining relationships. Jut because someone felt strongly enough about another person in order to marry (and then divorce) them does not necessarily mean that alarms should be blaring and the red flags-a-waving.

 

We're all perfectly flawed, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

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PrettyEmily77

What if it was 2 divorces out of only 2 LTRs? My uncle is twice divorced but has only been with 2 women in his life, and he married them both because he does feel strongly about marriage. The first one died in childbirth and the second left him for someone else.

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