LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > In Search Of...

Seeking guidance


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

Like Tree10Likes
  • 1 Post By Andra
  • 1 Post By d0nnivain
  • 2 Post By Toodaloo
  • 1 Post By Clarence_Boddicker
  • 1 Post By Andra
  • 1 Post By Andra
  • 1 Post By Andra
  • 1 Post By ZA Dater
  • 1 Post By preraph
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19th May 2015, 9:35 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Romania
Posts: 4
Red face Seeking guidance

Hi guys. I finally plucked up my courage and decided to write about my issues here.

Long story short I'm a 27 yo single woman. I've been single for almost ten years now, not necessarily because I chose to but because of a string of circumstances. Mainly though, it's because I lack confidence.

I'm not shy per se, but I'm not confident in speaking up either. I rarely share my opinions because I don't think what I think matters to anyone. And because of that, people tend to think I'm arrogant 'cause I don't have a friendly attitude. Truth is, I'm the most open-minded person one could ever meet. It's just that no one bothers to see behind this wall I've buit around myself and that I don't know how to take down all on my own. I'm an introvert and because of that I can barely make friends, let alone get guys to notice me.


I'm a bit chubby, but I don't think I'm ugly. I've met fatter or uglier women than me who are happily dating or even married, so I doubt my physical appearance has anything to do with me not dating. Though, of course, I don't particularly like my body.

I just have a very hard time talking to people. Platonically, I can have a conversation, but when it comes to guys I might be interested in, I get tongue-tied and awkward and they end up losing interest in me.
I'm so jealous of all these women who so easily flirt and aren't afraid of looking ridiculous even if they might get rejected.
I'm jealous of all my high school friends who's found their other halves. and the more time goes by the more I just want to dig a hole and hide in it so no one can see how pathetic I am.

My other issue is that I live in a very small town and own a legal business with my parents. I live with them too to save money. most of our clients are fairly old or already married and I don't know what to do to meet persons my age. I hate clubbing and I'd feel stupid going to clubs on my own anyway. Drinking coffee by myself in a cafe will only remind me of how lonely I am. There are no other things to do in my town beside visiting monasteries for God's sake and I definitely don't want become a nun.

*sigh* I need advice on how to get myself out there. I'm sick of being lonely. At the same time, I feel like I'll never meet a guy I could be comfortable with enough to get out of my shell. I'm awkward and have boring hobbies like painting and reading. Who the hell would ever find me interesting? bla... sorry for the ramble.

The ridiculous thing is I'm a romance writer (gay romance, but that's not any different). But in books something major always happens to get the hero and heroine together, whereas I can't do anything about that, now can I?
Satu likes this.
Andra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 12:33 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,245
Small towns can make things harder. Are you willing to drive to a nearby bigger town?

Check out MeetUp groups doing things that interest you. If you own a legal business talk to the lawyers. Lawyers can talk to anybody. Find out where the young lawyers hang out. Most bar associations run a YLD & sponsor happy hours. Go socialize. Hand out your business cards. Doing it as a networking thing may help you to feel more like you have a purpose rather than simply trolling for a date.

Do you have friends from childhood or college? Reconnect with them.

Find & join a Toastmasters class It's really about public speaking but can help with shyness & social anxiety.

Sometimes it's just about smiling & saying hello to someone. It's hard & scary to be the person who breaks the ice but if you can manage, you will make it easier for other people to connect with you.
Satu likes this.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 12:44 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6,756
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andra View Post
I'm so jealous of all these women who so easily flirt and aren't afraid of looking ridiculous even if they might get rejected.

My other issue is that I live in a very small town and own a legal business with my parents. I live with them too to save money.
Andra - currently your fear is holding you back.

You are afraid that you will make a fool of yourself. I can tell you now that some of the funniest stories are when you are making a fool of yourself! I am constantly making a complete pillock out of myself and I am just too old to care any more. You need to learn that the people who really honestly love you will still do so after you make a mistake. Save the pedantic behaviour for the office.

Small towns are always brimming with things to do because so many people are just like you and bored out of their brains. There will be am dram groups, walking groups, fitness groups, flower arranging, volunteer groups... Get on google and start looking for things to do. To be blunt I think that you should just concentrate on getting better at relaxing and talking to people before you start thinking about blokes. You just need to look. Ask around about volunteer work and things like that.

Lastly I am sorry to say but you are at the age where you really need to start thinking about getting a bit of distance from your parents. Working and living with them is not good for you. Hows the saving going/ Any chance of you getting your own place in the next couple of years???
d0nnivain and Satu like this.
Toodaloo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 2:08 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Clarence_Boddicker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Old Detroit United Police States of America
Posts: 1,865
You have to realize that you are beautiful & interesting, even if you don't fit the standards of society or outwardly show it. Nothing is unattractive to everyone, except self loathing. That is a universal turn off, except maybe for abusers.


Why don't you take up a hobby that is a social one? Go on blind dates just to get some experience.
Satu likes this.
Clarence_Boddicker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 2:23 PM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Romania
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Small towns can make things harder. Are you willing to drive to a nearby bigger town?

Check out MeetUp groups doing things that interest you. If you own a legal business talk to the lawyers. Lawyers can talk to anybody. Find out where the young lawyers hang out. Most bar associations run a YLD & sponsor happy hours. Go socialize. Hand out your business cards. Doing it as a networking thing may help you to feel more like you have a purpose rather than simply trolling for a date.

Do you have friends from childhood or college? Reconnect with them.

Find & join a Toastmasters class It's really about public speaking but can help with shyness & social anxiety.

Sometimes it's just about smiling & saying hello to someone. It's hard & scary to be the person who breaks the ice but if you can manage, you will make it easier for other people to connect with you.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'm already handing out business cards like mad XD

As for childhood/college friends that's a no go. Most of them live elsewhere and those left here are only ones I really can't stand. I only see those I like on holidays. but the rest of the time, real life gets in the way and we end up not talking again.

I'm really not scared of talking to people. I socialize just fine when I have to. Maybe I didn't express myself well. I'm not too shy to talk. I just don't do it, especially in big crowds. They intimidate me.
But I'll take your advice and try to find a hangout.

Thanks so much d0nnivain!
Satu likes this.
Andra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 2:36 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Romania
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toodaloo View Post
Andra - currently your fear is holding you back.

You are afraid that you will make a fool of yourself. I can tell you now that some of the funniest stories are when you are making a fool of yourself! I am constantly making a complete pillock out of myself and I am just too old to care any more. You need to learn that the people who really honestly love you will still do so after you make a mistake. Save the pedantic behaviour for the office.

Small towns are always brimming with things to do because so many people are just like you and bored out of their brains. There will be am dram groups, walking groups, fitness groups, flower arranging, volunteer groups... Get on google and start looking for things to do. To be blunt I think that you should just concentrate on getting better at relaxing and talking to people before you start thinking about blokes. You just need to look. Ask around about volunteer work and things like that.

Lastly I am sorry to say but you are at the age where you really need to start thinking about getting a bit of distance from your parents. Working and living with them is not good for you. Hows the saving going/ Any chance of you getting your own place in the next couple of years???
Toodaloo, your comment, as your nickname, made me smile. I agree. I had most fun when I made a fool of myself. I have absolutely no problem of making a fool of myself. As long as people laugh with me and not at me. See, that's a difference. it really depends on the antourage.

I'm kinda sorry for making a fool of myself and posting this thread here though. You make it sound like I'm an idiot who hasn't considered all the things you've mentioned.
I have googled things to do in my town and ended up on dating websites full of trolls. I don't know what key words to try in order to find normal people that hang out and do normal things in my town. The disadvantage of it being small is that people don't post what they do online.

As for living with my parents, honestly I don't give a s*** what people think of me living with my parents at my age. I don't see the point of living alone in an apartment when my folks have a perfectly big house with enough room for me to spare. yes, if i'll ever have friends and need to hold huge parties - which will never happen - I might feel the need for my own place.
I lived alone in uni and I hated it. After living alone for 4 years, I realized it's definitely not for me and living with strangers, as ocd and depressive as I get, is definitely not for me.


Thanks for the advice. I get that you meant well, and even though you were a bit judgmental, I asked for it
Satu likes this.
Andra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 2:38 PM   #7
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Romania
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clarence_Boddicker View Post
You have to realize that you are beautiful & interesting, even if you don't fit the standards of society or outwardly show it. Nothing is unattractive to everyone, except self loathing. That is a universal turn off, except maybe for abusers.


Why don't you take up a hobby that is a social one? Go on blind dates just to get some experience.
*hug* Thank you. You're a wonderful person. You know, you're kinda right. People who feel sorry for themselves turn me off too.
Satu likes this.
Andra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 3:26 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
Posts: 2,388
[QUOTE=Andra;6330745] At the same time, I feel like I'll never meet a guy I could be comfortable with enough to get out of my shell. QUOTE]

Trust me on this, you will get this part right, even if only once but the feeling is amazing.


As for writing its not a boring hobby, I do the same, in fact I tend to live vicariously though writing, 40 pages into writing a novel at the moment.
Satu likes this.
ZA Dater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 4:29 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,496
We are who we are, but when it comes to trying to meet people, first we need to master the art of making friends and being social in general. It's really difficult to go from not being social to finding a romantic partner. You need social skills for that. That means you have to push your envelope a little out of your comfort zone, and you also have to step out of your solitary rut and make yourself take up some activities other people also like to take part in. It can be anything: bowling, cooking class, riding lessons, volunteering at the zoo or other charitable activity where you are hands-on, joining a community garden or taking a small part-time retail job where you'll meet people.

You have to get out of the house to meet people. And to be social, you have to at least make the effort of faking it. How much effort does it take, after all, to smile and nod at people you encounter so as to make yourself look approachable? You can't just expect someone to beam in to your comfort zone!
Satu likes this.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th May 2015, 5:03 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Satu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: LV-426
Posts: 9,466
Journal Entries: 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andra View Post

I'm really not scared of talking to people. I socialize just fine when I have to. Maybe I didn't express myself well. I'm not too shy to talk. I just don't do it, especially in big crowds. They intimidate me.
But I'll take your advice and try to find a hangout.

Thanks so much d0nnivain!
You seem a delightful person to me.

Get into listening. Everybody loves a good listener.

I've often been thanked for a nice conversation, after saying nearly nothing and just listening.

Here's a nice quote:

"The first duty of love is to listen."

- Paul Tillich.

If that's true, and I think it is, you might find love that way.

Here's a snippet from my journal:

To be loved, be loving.
To find peace, be peaceful.
To find forgiveness, be forgiving.
To be cared about, be caring.
To be treated kindly, be kind.
To be understood, be understanding.
To have friends, be friendly.


You could add to that list for the rest of your life, and you'd never come to the end of it.

Welcome to LS.

All the best,

Satu.
__________________


"We fly to get high."
Satu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2015, 6:05 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 6,756
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andra View Post
Toodaloo, your comment, as your nickname, made me smile. I agree. I had most fun when I made a fool of myself. I have absolutely no problem of making a fool of myself. As long as people laugh with me and not at me. See, that's a difference. it really depends on the antourage.

I think, with that attitude, you would do wonderfully in an amateur dramatics group! Try speaking to your local theatre and ask if they know of any small groups that you might join. Have a look at those posters you see advertising their performances and ring them and ask!

I'm kinda sorry for making a fool of myself and posting this thread here though. You make it sound like I'm an idiot who hasn't considered all the things you've mentioned. I have googled things to do in my town and ended up on dating websites full of trolls. I don't know what key words to try in order to find normal people that hang out and do normal things in my town. The disadvantage of it being small is that people don't post what they do online.

Your point is EXACTLY why you need to talk to people and ask. Most towns have some form of charity "hub" where potential volunteers can go and find out how. Its that "hub" you need to find. Perhaps you could help with you local RDA group, or with a disabled childrens charity at one of their clubs or perhaps walking dogs and helping at the local animal shelter, or perhaps working with homeless people... Try phoning your local council as well as they often know what is going on and can give you some ideas so you can find something that fits with your beliefs and allows you to feel as though you are helping. You are far from stupid, just stuck, which is the PERFECT reason why you should post somewhere like this to get fresh ideas. Meeting new people when you are not into pubs and clubs IS HARD!

Thanks for the advice. I get that you meant well, and even though you were a bit judgmental, I asked for it
I wasn't judgmental at all. Just pointed out the pros and cons of your situation. There must be writers groups or book clubs etc. Heck in my parents village which consists of all of 500 people there are 2 am dram groups, a book club, 3 bands, a bell ringing group, a walking group, an OAP's luncheon club, a mothers club, a fete committee, several village project committees, a group that does an annual bonfire night, a group that organizes a ball every 5 years, a history group... these are all off the top of my head and none are on google searches. You get involved by talking to people and all of these groups are ALWAYS looking for extra help.

I think that you just have to get brave and start thinking about things that you may find fun and enjoyable. Then go and ask people about them. With your part ownership of the local legal firm you must have lots of really great connections who may be able to point you in the right direction. Perhaps start asking them if they know of activities and things to do. If you don't ask the question you are not going to get any answers.

I am actually quite excited for you. If you go about it right then this could be an amazing adventure for you. I am really looking forward to your updates. May even get some new ideas for myself!
Toodaloo is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
End of a 1.5 year long LDR relationship and seeking guidance Cradily Long-Distance Relationships 5 10th March 2015 9:29 AM
So fed up and seeking guidance. dreamingoftigers Marriage & Life Partnerships 54 19th February 2013 6:52 AM
Seeking , guidance, understanding? thegirl The Other Man / Woman 53 13th July 2009 10:31 PM
Seeking advice and guidance on rejection, closure and the confusing nature of love .. Vermicious Knid Coping 1 14th January 2004 11:28 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:08 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.