He seems to have given up on dating. But I'm interested!

[HansonGirl]

If there is a guy who has more or less given up on dating (obviously i am only speculating) , and is "content," more or less with being single, how would he approach someone, if at all? Would he have to REALLY like her?

The thing is this guy I know I really get the impression that he is "content" with being single. He got a dog recently and is practically obsessed with the dog. Nothing wrong with that. I actually love that he loves his dog, But I highly suspect he got the dog out of loneliness, and he posts pictures of the dog all the time on facebook and treats it like it's his child. I am not saying this in a judging way whatsoever. i know he was really hurt in a past relationship a few years ago and got frustrated with trying to date, because it wasn't going anywhere. I honestly think his confidence was shattered. because he generally seems normal and confident, and around his friends he is loud and outgoing, but around certain people he becomes really really shy and stumbles over his words.

He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and I don't know if he's being particularly nice to me or if that's his natural personality, in either case, I am very interested in him.

 

And since I really get the impression that he's not the type, at least at this point in his life, to go out of his way to try to court a girl, or put much of an effort in, just because he is "content" with where things are, AND I don't know if he's interested, I am not sure what to do.

 

I don't want to waste a chance to see if he might be interested in trying something. At least FINDING OUT (because if he says no, then at least I have my answer). So i am willing to put myself out there and get rejected by him. I am ok with that. But the other consideration would be that it might be nice to stay friends - if it's possible to stay friends, that'd be ideal too..

 

Anyways what do you guys think? is this a waste of time to even think about? Am i being foolish? tell me!

[preraph]

So you know some of his friends? Why don't you ask them if he dates. Someone who is loud and outgoing with a group of friends isn't shy, though, so get that idea out of your head. A shy person is more likely to come out around just one person instead of a group not the other way around. So he may be being standoffish to those certain people on purpose. He may feel "put on the spot" by whoever he's talking to that is making him act funny.

 

As long as you're willing, nothing wrong with calling him and asking him out. I say call him because you can tell a lot more about his tone. Or if you see him regularly, ask him in person, and then you can tell for sure if he's happy or uncomfortable about it. Don't text him. Get inexpensive tickets to something you have reason to believe he might like, and say "Hey, I have two tickets to ____ and wanted to ask if you'd go with me."

 

If you really don't want to call him, then don't ask him on a date. Have a smallish coctail party or dinner party or backyard barbecue and invite him along with a few other singles. You can't invite couples or it will be awkward. He may want to bring someone if you do that, though, so it could backfire. Or invite him and a handful of others just very casually over to watch a game on tv. "We're all getting together at my house for the game. Here's my phone number and address. Let me know!"

[HansonGirl]

So you know some of his friends? Why don't you ask them if he dates. Someone who is loud and outgoing with a group of friends isn't shy, though, so get that idea out of your head. A shy person is more likely to come out around just one person instead of a group not the other way around. So he may be being standoffish to those certain people on purpose. He may feel "put on the spot" by whoever he's talking to that is making him act funny.

 

As long as you're willing, nothing wrong with calling him and asking him out. I say call him because you can tell a lot more about his tone. Or if you see him regularly, ask him in person, and then you can tell for sure if he's happy or uncomfortable about it. Don't text him. Get inexpensive tickets to something you have reason to believe he might like, and say "Hey, I have two tickets to ____ and wanted to ask if you'd go with me."

 

If you really don't want to call him, then don't ask him on a date. Have a smallish coctail party or dinner party or backyard barbecue and invite him along with a few other singles. You can't invite couples or it will be awkward. He may want to bring someone if you do that, though, so it could backfire. Or invite him and a handful of others just very casually over to watch a game on tv. "We're all getting together at my house for the game. Here's my phone number and address. Let me know!"

 

Yeah maybe you are right about the shy thing. Preraph, here are a couple details i'd prefer to send privately. is there a way to private message on here? if so do you mind if i message you?

 

if i end up asking him to do something, i'll do it in person. agreed that I want to see the reaction. I think i might have an idea of what i'd ask him to do.

 

additionally -- i am also just generally interested in a guy who has been hurt and had no luck with dating, how he would react to being the subject of someone's interest. I know myself, when i wasn't really interested in dating, i'd probably either accept the invitation and go out (nothing wrong with going on one date) or I'd just make some excuse. not because I was totally against it or totally not into the person, i just wasn't interested enough to find out. One of those times resulted in a boyfriend. not sure though if it's the same with everybody or with guys. I mean my disinterest in dating wasn't really about me being hurt either, so i wouldn't relate to that - it was just that I was never ever interested in dating until late 20s when i realized i'd like to get married some day. and before that it was because of having sex. i blame sex lol.

[salparadise]

I don't want to waste a chance to see if he might be interested in trying something. At least FINDING OUT (because if he says no, then at least I have my answer). So i am willing to put myself out there and get rejected by him. I am ok with that.

 

Don't make it more complicated than it is. It's pointless to speculate as to whether he may or may not be receptive. If he's like most red-blooded guys, regardless of past disappointments or a laid-back attitude, if he finds you attractive then you'll almost certainly be able to flip his switch... flirt, touch, eye-contact, smile, compliments to warm him up. If he doesn't ask you out in response to subtle cues, then you ask him. Being willing to put yourself out there and take a little chance is a powerful thing that will change your life... if not with this guy, then the next one... and other kinds of opportunities too.

[HansonGirl]

Don't make it more complicated than it is. It's pointless to speculate as to whether he may or may not be receptive. If he's like most red-blooded guys, regardless of past disappointments or a laid-back attitude, if he finds you attractive then you'll almost certainly be able to flip his switch... flirt, touch, eye-contact, smile, compliments to warm him up. If he doesn't ask you out in response to subtle cues, then you ask him. Being willing to put yourself out there and take a little chance is a powerful thing that will change your life... if not with this guy, then the next one... and other kinds of opportunities too.

 

Yes I agree. I am definitely ready to like show interest (I realized I missed some cues and definitely had NOT been showing interest before. that is my default. but i paid him a compliment recently and noticed it was like his ears perked up and he was really nice to me after that.) so I am going to try to show more and more interest, and then if he hasn't asked me out, i am going to put myself out there, like you said. It'll make it easier and easier with future guys. I've been rejected so much for jobs, that a rejection in that arena doesn't affect my self-esteem. I feel it should be the same with guys. But i am sort of not sure how i'd ask him out if it got to that!

 

PS, he seemed nervous talking to me before (it's better now, more comfortable) but it was palpable, and i felt almost bad for him. it was just awkward but also adorable. I don't know if i'd expect him, if he's getting that nervous around me combined with my lack of any signs of interest to just ask me out :-P so now i am going to show interest and ask him to do something if he doesn't.

Edited May 16, 2015 by HansonGirl

[elaine567]

Someone who is loud and outgoing with a group of friends isn't shy, though, so get that idea out of your head. A shy person is more likely to come out around just one person instead of a group not the other way around. So he may be being standoffish to those certain people on purpose. He may feel "put on the spot" by whoever he's talking to that is making him act funny.

 

I don't think that is always the case, some people do well in groups of their friends and people thy know well and get all in knots with strangers, one to one's or in dating scenarios. Going out with friends also mostly includes alcohol and that can transform shy people into extroverts.

He may be shy.

[salparadise]

But i am sort of not sure how i'd ask him out if it got to that!

 

PS, he seemed nervous talking to me before (it's better now, more comfortable) but it was palpable, and i felt almost bad for him. it was just awkward but also adorable.

 

I don't know if i'd expect him, if he's getting that nervous around me combined with my lack of any signs of interest to just ask me out :-P so now i am going to show interest and ask him to do something if he doesn't.

 

The nervousness is a sign that he likes you. I was like that in my younger days too––if I was really crushing on a girl I'd go all to pieces. And... if she had the insight to see it for what it was, the maturity to not judge me because of it, and took the initiative... I would've been hers. For some reason women tend to either not understand or they just lose interest. There are some great guys who just need a little assist to gain their confidence. It's great that you're one of those special people who can see it from more than one perspective. You will be rewarded!

 

As to how to ask him out if it comes to that... the same way you'd like a guy to ask you out. Tickets to something you know would interest him is ideal. Be direct enough that he knows it's a date and not a "just friends" deal. Just assume you know for a fact that this is what he wants and if you can subtly communicate that there's no need for him to be nervous anymore because you're taking the pressure off, all the better. Good Luck!

[HansonGirl]

The nervousness is a sign that he likes you. I was like that in my younger days too––if I was really crushing on a girl I'd go all to pieces. And... if she had the insight to see it for what it was, the maturity to not judge me because of it, and took the initiative... I would've been hers. For some reason women tend to either not understand or they just lose interest. There are some great guys who just need a little assist to gain their confidence. It's great that you're one of those special people who can see it from more than one perspective. You will be rewarded!

 

As to how to ask him out if it comes to that... the same way you'd like a guy to ask you out. Tickets to something you know would interest him is ideal. Be direct enough that he knows it's a date and not a "just friends" deal. Just assume you know for a fact that this is what he wants and if you can subtly communicate that there's no need for him to be nervous anymore because you're taking the pressure off, all the better. Good Luck!

 

 

When you say "younger days" how young are you talking about? :-)

[salparadise]

When you say "younger days" how young are you talking about? :-)

 

Teens and early twenties. I started having some success with women around age 21-22 and learned to push through it. I still got nervous but not as much. A late bloomer as they call it. How old is the guy you're talking about?

[HansonGirl]

Teens and early twenties. I started having some success with women around age 21-22 and learned to push through it. I still got nervous but not as much. A late bloomer as they call it. How old is the guy you're talking about?

 

older than that. 30's.