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Does anyone else sometimes believe they are not meant to be in a LTR?


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Ordinaryday

After having a number of Relationships fail I have been out of the game for awhile and a friend asked me why I am not currently doing everything in my power to meet someone new.

 

I told them that the active steps required to meet someone, start courting them and dating and so on is very time consuming and intense and at the moment I am just not up to it

 

I'm not saying I have no interest at all, I do, but right now I'm doing nothing to look for a partner.

 

I was thinking about it and realised that even my longest relationship was only ever six months duration. You reach a point where you get so used to being single that you almost feel you couldn't handle a proper relationship. I've been single for so long now that the idea of meeting someone and getting married and having babies seems foreign to me.

 

I'm not saying I have completely given up, I'm saying that I'm so used to the single lifestyle that I would have trouble adjusting to a proper relationship.

 

Some of it also comes down to inexperience as well. People who have been in longterm relationships for years learn to pick up Clues and signals that go over inexperienced people's heads. For example, I posted yesterday about a woman I dated for five dates. She seemed to be having a good time and at the end if date five she told me she wanted to see me again and she would call me to arrange it - I never heard from her again.

 

I asked my experienced friend about it and he said it was obvious the way she said that she would call me that I wasn't going to hear from her again. He said if she was really interested she would have committed to the next date with you in person or told you to call her.

 

What she did was basically the equivalent of a company saying 'dont call us we will call you' to get rid of you, my friend said.

 

Sometimes I think I am just meant to be alone. Anyone else feel this way?

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DatingDirection
After having a number of Relationships fail I have been out of the game for awhile and a friend asked me why I am not currently doing everything in my power to meet someone new.

 

I told them that the active steps required to meet someone, start courting them and dating and so on is very time consuming and intense and at the moment I am just not up to it

 

I'm not saying I have no interest at all, I do, but right now I'm doing nothing to look for a partner.

 

I was thinking about it and realised that even my longest relationship was only ever six months duration. You reach a point where you get so used to being single that you almost feel you couldn't handle a proper relationship. I've been single for so long now that the idea of meeting someone and getting married and having babies seems foreign to me.

 

I'm not saying I have completely given up, I'm saying that I'm so used to the single lifestyle that I would have trouble adjusting to a proper relationship.

 

Some of it also comes down to inexperience as well. People who have been in longterm relationships for years learn to pick up Clues and signals that go over inexperienced people's heads. For example, I posted yesterday about a woman I dated for five dates. She seemed to be having a good time and at the end if date five she told me she wanted to see me again and she would call me to arrange it - I never heard from her again.

 

I asked my experienced friend about it and he said it was obvious the way she said that she would call me that I wasn't going to hear from her again. He said if she was really interested she would have committed to the next date with you in person or told you to call her.

 

What she did was basically the equivalent of a company saying 'dont call us we will call you' to get rid of you, my friend said.

 

Sometimes I think I am just meant to be alone. Anyone else feel this way?

 

 

 

Wow, I do feel this way at times too! I have been on my own since I was 19 years old, im now 31. I had my first serious RL at 26. Before I met him, I also never imagined meeting someone who I would love that intensly, and who I wanted to carry on a serious RL with, for two years that went on. Now, im single again, and it's very hard for me to picture myself with someone new, or with someone altogether for that matter, as im so self sufficient, I pay the bills, food shop, plan my own days, and have my routine and do it all with myself. At the same time, sometimes I find myself laughing so hard at the silliest things throughout my day, it would be so nice to share those laughs with someone, and have some real connection in my life. But I hear what your saying.

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ballycastle

Yes I am the same, I am older than you (mid forties) and over 12 years of failed relationships makes me realise I am not supposed to be in a relationship. It happens, I am prob too sensitive/out there/deep/spiritual for a man to understand me. I have been abandoned so many times to realise the problem is not so much with them but with me.

 

Also I have a child and not much money so most men I meet or have met just don't want to be lumbered. Sounds shallow but its my experience.

 

With that i am not, or will, ever put myself out there. I have been betrayed so much over the years I cannot Trust.

 

One thing I struggle with is the notion 'you will love again'. It's like telling a woman who's infertile she will have children. Nothing is guaranteed. Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship, me included. I am having hypnotherapy to get to a place of Singledom acceptance but still my therapist is adamant I am 'not finding the right man'.

 

Why is there this universal held belief that relationships are the majority and being alone just unfathomable?

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I tend to agree.

 

I'm usually happiest in general when i'm single.

 

Thing is I need sex eventually & to have sex I need a woman & that's when I start to get emotionally attached to someone eventually.

 

It's like a circle. Then we eventually breakup & i'm back to square one again.

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DatingDirection
I tend to agree.

 

I'm usually happiest in general when i'm single.

 

Thing is I need sex eventually & to have sex I need a woman & that's when I start to get emotionally attached to someone eventually.

 

It's like a circle. Then we eventually breakup & i'm back to square one again.

 

I forgot to add, isn't the reason for our existence as human beings, to connect with other human beings, pro create and have meaning in our life, share our unique experiences with one another? I understand how work life, can take this away from us, but don't let it! It's more of a philosophical point im making here, but Carl Marx once said, something to the effect of....make no mistake about capitalism, is creates disconnect from ourselves (our true authentic self), from nature, and from each other, as a community. From this we have OP's like ourselves, explain how we much prefer to be on own on, do you ever stop and ask yourselves why that is? I personally tie it to the complexities of life now a days, selfishness and lack of time in general we have to really know ourselves, and each other.

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ballycastle
I forgot to add, isn't the reason for our existence as human beings, to connect with other human beings, pro create and have meaning in our life, share our unique experiences with one another? I understand how work life, can take this away from us, but don't let it! It's more of a philosophical point im making here, but Carl Marx once said, something to the effect of....make no mistake about capitalism, is creates disconnect from ourselves (our true authentic self), from nature, and from each other, as a community. From this we have OP's like ourselves, explain how we much prefer to be on own on, do you ever stop and ask yourselves why that is? I personally tie it to the complexities of life now a days, selfishness and lack of time in general we have to really know ourselves, and each other.

 

 

 

A few years ago one of my biggest things I loved to do was to connect with others. I am Myers Briggs type ENFJ so essentially I get my energy from those around me. I am 'the life and soul' of the party so to speak.

 

 

Unfortunately life events have changed all of this for me. Whereas I was open I am now closed. I do not share my thoughts with others (friends even because I have been judged) and also being hurt by those who professed to love me has really scarred me into sharing anything remotely intimate with anyone. I realise through laws of attraction puts me at a distinct advantage at potentially meeting someone, but after years of being on these threads I rarely see any discussion about to trust people again. I know I certainly cannot trust anyone anymore and that is very sad.

 

 

I do still socialise but now I hide myself away more often because essentially I need to feel safe. I used to wonder years ago why people who seemed so lovely ended up alone. I now know why. I am now one of them.

 

 

Heartache changed that for me.

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Same here...every relationship ends in failure.

 

I have been on my own since 16. I have a strong sense of self worth and pride but also had a crappy upbringing so there are issues with that. Not outward issues. On the outside I am fun, outgoing, lets have a laugh and a party. When I get close with someone I have trouble with being told what to do and being yelled at. I am very easy going but I dont take crap from anyone either.

 

I am awesome in many respects...just not long term relationship material. Of course part of it is NOT finding the right person.

 

I am not giving up but realizing it may not be something I am good at.

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Itspointless

INFJ and very used to being alone. But I can't imagine ending up alone. I know many people shiver when people say it, but I felt happier with my ex than alone. I can be very happy and pleased alone, but is is a different kind of happy. I like to share and most moments in life this far I couldn't share.

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I tend to agree.

 

I'm usually happiest in general when i'm single.

 

Thing is I need sex eventually & to have sex I need a woman & that's when I start to get emotionally attached to someone eventually.

 

It's like a circle. Then we eventually breakup & i'm back to square one again.

 

That's because this:

 

Thing is I need sex eventually & to have sex I need a woman & that's when I start to get emotionally attached to someone

 

will more often than not, lead to this:

 

Then we eventually breakup

 

You are in a circle, a vicious and predictable one. The way out? You need to learn to have sex but not get emotionally attached. That way, you can become emotionally attached to women for whom you have a genuine attraction.

 

If you want to get there, date many women at once, and have sex with all of them. You'll go through some confusion at first, but then your head will clear, and the association between sex and emotion will go away. Then you will have shed this adolescent behavior that's holding you back.

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. I know I certainly cannot trust anyone anymore and that is very sad....Heartache changed that for me.
Aw, bc... let me try to help you with that.

 

It isn't about trust. You can never trust someone's feelings, not even your own. Nobody is in control of who they love or for how long. Nobody wakes up one day and decides

I'm going to fall in/out of love today!
It is not about trust at all.

 

I figured that out in my first heartbreak. I used to hold back emotionally, for fear that she might not like the overly emotional me, and I would be able to keep her more easily. After she dumped me most unceremoniously, I saw the folly of this. It was me who did not trust her, in reality, for if I had, I wouldn't have been fearful. Then I wondered about her feelings after, how she could just turn them off like a switch. It occurred to me that I was helpless, because, just as I could not change my feelings for her, she could not change her feelings for me. It dawned on me that nobody would choose to leave love... it feels too good to want to abandon it. Rather, something changed that she had no control over. She dumped me because she was responding to a change in heart that she did not decide to make...which was the way we got together. Not because of decisions we made, but rather as responses to the feelings that each of us developed. When she dumped me, it wasn't personal. It sure as hell felt personal, but it wasn't. It wasn't me. It was her.

 

That was half of my epiphany... I understood it intellectually, but it wasn't until I fell out of love with the next one that I completely understood. It is not about trust, because love is not within our control.

 

The issue is risk. You are now unwilling to take risk. I suppose that the reason is that in the past, you paid a heavy price. I'd ask you, what did you pay for?

 

In my case, I decided to risk afterwards, and after a few disappointments, I found my reward. In hindsight, I think I consider all the pain I experienced and all the things I learned from it to be the payments I made in order to have what I now have. Using that same metaphor, you decided to drop out before finishing your learning.

 

You've sold yourself short, and wasted some time. The good news is you're still young enough for probably two great loves in your life. I'd counsel you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out there and risk your heart. Even if you lose a couple times, you'll be better for it in the long run. You shouldn't live your life in fear, because once you're old enough to know better, your reward will be regret. You don't want that. Regret is like poison in your life.

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Aw, bc... let me try to help you with that.

 

It isn't about trust. You can never trust someone's feelings, not even your own. Nobody is in control of who they love or for how long. Nobody wakes up one day and decides

It is not about trust at all.

 

I figured that out in my first heartbreak. I used to hold back emotionally, for fear that she might not like the overly emotional me, and I would be able to keep her more easily. After she dumped me most unceremoniously, I saw the folly of this. It was me who did not trust her, in reality, for if I had, I wouldn't have been fearful. Then I wondered about her feelings after, how she could just turn them off like a switch. It occurred to me that I was helpless, because, just as I could not change my feelings for her, she could not change her feelings for me. It dawned on me that nobody would choose to leave love... it feels too good to want to abandon it. Rather, something changed that she had no control over. She dumped me because she was responding to a change in heart that she did not decide to make...which was the way we got together. Not because of decisions we made, but rather as responses to the feelings that each of us developed. When she dumped me, it wasn't personal. It sure as hell felt personal, but it wasn't. It wasn't me. It was her.

 

That was half of my epiphany... I understood it intellectually, but it wasn't until I fell out of love with the next one that I completely understood. It is not about trust, because love is not within our control.

 

The issue is risk. You are now unwilling to take risk. I suppose that the reason is that in the past, you paid a heavy price. I'd ask you, what did you pay for?

 

In my case, I decided to risk afterwards, and after a few disappointments, I found my reward. In hindsight, I think I consider all the pain I experienced and all the things I learned from it to be the payments I made in order to have what I now have. Using that same metaphor, you decided to drop out before finishing your learning.

 

You've sold yourself short, and wasted some time. The good news is you're still young enough for probably two great loves in your life. I'd counsel you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out there and risk your heart. Even if you lose a couple times, you'll be better for it in the long run. You shouldn't live your life in fear, because once you're old enough to know better, your reward will be regret. You don't want that. Regret is like poison in your life.

 

Your first relationship reminds me a lot of my recent relationship. I was too scared to let my guard down with her and allow her be her own person, that I got too caught up in trying to control every aspect of our relationship. It makes me sad knowing this is what pushed her away, she met new friends and I was holding her back from growing as an individual. She finally saw the light and decided to end it with me, my behavior was too toxic. My anger and insecurities about me not being able to control things I had no control over was the evident downfall of my relationship. This is why I'm now in therapy, I must learn to be at peace with myself, and allow life to make it's twist and turns. I did have my soft moments when I would let her into my heart, but I would go back and forth, being very volatile. I want to change so bad. I wish I could possibility make it work with her one day when I've grown, but that ship has probably shipped and isn't returning. :(

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Itspointless
It dawned on me that nobody would choose to leave love... it feels too good to want to abandon it.

Hi mightycpa, that was a nice post, yes it is about risk and knowing the balance.

 

One point though on something ballycastle and I apparently both have experienced. My ex told me when I asked that she had pushed her feelings for me away. It is what she does when she is stressed and when someone comes to close to her: it triggers her fears of abandonment. Not conscientiously but it is what her parents did to her and what she is repeating now. She told herself, I do not need anybody, I am just as happy alone. For some people love is so scary that they believe that they do not need it. It is hard to accept when somebody tells you that their feelings about you actually haven't changed, but they still break with you because it is better for both.

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Hi mightycpa, that was a nice post, yes it is about risk and knowing the balance.

 

One point though on something ballycastle and I apparently both have experienced. My ex told me when I asked that she had pushed her feelings for me away. It is what she does when she is stressed and when someone comes to close to her: it triggers her fears of abandonment. Not conscientiously but it is what her parents did to her and what she is repeating now. She told herself, I do not need anybody, I am just as happy alone. For some people love is so scary that they believe that they do not need it. It is hard to accept when somebody tells you that their feelings about you actually haven't changed, but they still break with you because it is better for both.

Point taken. Nevertheless, what's the difference in the end? Once the decision is made, what difference does it make if the reason is because of falling out of love, or fear, or incompatibility, or because the sky is blue?

 

The end result to you is the same, and that should be your focus, because that is the only thing that matters. You can't control the other person's thought process either. Rational or irrational, you're stuck with it.

 

For you to judge those reasons is a masturbatory exercise in many ways. I know it is natural to do that, but at some point, you might have to be able to accept the decision without actually understanding it or agreeing with it. There's no profit in revisiting the topic repeatedly, even if you disagree with it. Acceptance means you know that you can't change something, and you've learned to live with that, even if you don't understand or agree.

 

To me, it's the same thing. It's not you. It's them.

 

So after that, you're back to deciding to risk again, or not.

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Jimmyjackson
Point taken. Nevertheless, what's the difference in the end? Once the decision is made, what difference does it make if the reason is because of falling out of love, or fear, or incompatibility, or because the sky is blue?

 

The end result to you is the same, and that should be your focus, because that is the only thing that matters. You can't control the other person's thought process either. Rational or irrational, you're stuck with it.

 

For you to judge those reasons is a masturbatory exercise in many ways. I know it is natural to do that, but at some point, you might have to be able to accept the decision without actually understanding it or agreeing with it. There's no profit in revisiting the topic repeatedly, even if you disagree with it. Acceptance means you know that you can't change something, and you've learned to live with that, even if you don't understand or agree.

 

To me, it's the same thing. It's not you. It's them.

 

So after that, you're back to deciding to risk again, or not.

 

I'm 7 months post break up, I've healed a fair amount but you're giving me some food for thought also.

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Itspointless
Point taken. Nevertheless, what's the difference in the end? Once the decision is made, what difference does it make if the reason is because of falling out of love, or fear, or incompatibility, or because the sky is blue?

 

The end result to you is the same, and that should be your focus, because that is the only thing that matters. You can't control the other person's thought process either. Rational or irrational, you're stuck with it.

 

For you to judge those reasons is a masturbatory exercise in many ways. I know it is natural to do that, but at some point, you might have to be able to accept the decision without actually understanding it or agreeing with it. There's no profit in revisiting the topic repeatedly, even if you disagree with it. Acceptance means you know that you can't change something, and you've learned to live with that, even if you don't understand or agree.

 

To me, it's the same thing. It's not you. It's them.

 

So after that, you're back to deciding to risk again, or not.

Yes, the end result is indeed the same. The points you are highlighting are things I am working on with a professional and I agree that is the best way to deal with it. Unfortunately for me that means that I have to overwrite some very old deep engraved primary reactions that most of time are not cognitive at all. I have to be patient with myself and constantly aware.

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Yes, the end result is indeed the same. The points you are highlighting are things I am working on with a professional and I agree that is the best way to deal with it. Unfortunately for me that means that I have to overwrite some very old deep engraved primary reactions that most of time are not cognitive at all. I have to be patient with myself and constantly aware.

I hear you. It wasn't an easy journey for me either. I think the tide turned when I stopped thinking in terms of "she hurt me" and began to deal with "I feel hurt, and that was unavoidable". Somehow, the responsibility for how I felt became more "mine", if that makes any sense to you. It was just easier to let go of the hurt that way.

 

Good luck with it.

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Strain he, I do think in destined to be on my own, collectively I've been in relationships for around 11 years with 5 different women, and I wonder I'd there is anyone really for me.

 

I wish there was, but to be honest, all the wild emotions, hurt, jealousy and angst sometimes doesn't feel worth it.

 

While being single is when I usually feel at my most level headed.

 

Funny old world.

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ballycastle
Strain he, I do think in destined to be on my own, collectively I've been in relationships for around 11 years with 5 different women, and I wonder I'd there is anyone really for me.

 

I wish there was, but to be honest, all the wild emotions, hurt, jealousy and angst sometimes doesn't feel worth it.

 

While being single is when I usually feel at my most level headed.

 

Funny old world.

 

I am glad this has sparked up a really good thread, I read the contributions with interest. I share members thoughts, I have had many relationships over the years which start well as always but none of them really want to be in a committed relationship. (with me)

 

Also I think that my personality is a big one, I am a deep thinker, am very creative, impulsive, artistic and deep. Many men I have met aren't so I am left with 'switching that side of my brain off' or getting upset when they stop communicating when I want a conversation involving self reflection.

 

Either way it leads me to believe there isn't that person out there prepared to be real/self reflecting, rather I get 'I'm not changing/why do you overthink things?' I've heard that so often it has made me enter therapy as having something wrong with me. I have never met a man prepared to sacrifice any part of his life for me, always me moving across country to be with them. Truth is I am just someone they want to f**k.

 

I would rather spend the rest of my life coming to terms with the fact it's OK to be me (which I still dont) than trying to get a man to like me. Clearly after 20 years of trying they don't.

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If you want to get there, date many women at once, and have sex with all of them. You'll go through some confusion at first, but then your head will clear, and the association between sex and emotion will go away. Then you will have shed this adolescent behavior that's holding you back.

 

 

I was dating multiple women (4 or 5) including my ex before I went exclusive with her. I didn't rush into anything with the first women that gave me attention. She was the one I eventually felt emotionally attached too.

 

She was also dating multiple guys & we both eventually fell for each other.

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I was dating multiple women (4 or 5) including my ex before I went exclusive with her. I didn't rush into anything with the first women that gave me attention. She was the one I eventually felt emotionally attached too.

 

She was also dating multiple guys & we both eventually fell for each other.

That sounds very normal and healthy then, except I can't be sure that dating multiple and getting attention means the same thing as having sex with most/all of your dating partners, which is what I recommended...the reason being that if you were both seeing multiple people, but only having sex with each other AND this led to attachment for both of you, then it stands to reason you fell for each other, and then later figured out that maybe it wasn't right.

 

The advice doesn't have to do with the sex, per se, but rather the ability to discern between the emotions that arise from physical attraction and the emotions that rise from genuine interest. The truth is, I don't need to know. It's merely advice, take it or leave it, or find another way to accomplish the same thing. It is certainly not a guarantee that you'll live happily ever after with the first one that floats your boat.

 

Either way, this is different than the impression I was given by this:

Thing is I need sex eventually & to have sex I need a woman & that's when I start to get emotionally attached to someone eventually.
so, that's why I recommended it. If I misunderstood what you meant to say, then, ok. I accept that.
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Some of it also comes down to inexperience as well. People who have been in longterm relationships for years learn to pick up Clues and signals that go over inexperienced people's heads.

 

 

I would actually argue that people who have remained single and dating a lot are the best at picking up cues.

 

 

Sometimes I think I am just meant to be alone. Anyone else feel this way?

 

 

But anyway, I agree with the premise, "I'm not meant for an ltr" but I am seeing it from a different perspective.

 

 

Every LTR I get into, I end up feeling like my freedom has been infringed upon some how. I also end up really focusing on the relationship in general. It ends up making me unhappy that my other hobbies, side projects, friends, and dreams are being neglected or influenced by another person who is so close to me. On the other hand, I really, really enjoy the relationships but when they end I find that I haven't made progress on my big life goals, usually I've gained weight, I've neglected my school/professional life, friends etc. (these also contribute to why the relationship ends as well...I'm perfectly attentive to the relationship but I fail to take care of myself and my partner usually ends up thinking what they have now isn't quite that they started with - and that's true!!).

 

So, when the relationship ends I'm usually distraught, but I end up working out a lot, having fun with friends, working on my projects, succeeding professionally, and generally being happy and confident and BOOM suddenly I'm an attractive candidate for some wonderful lady and I'm in a relationship again and all of it slips again (it takes about 2 years for this cycle to repeat).

 

I realize this comes down to me focusing way too much on the relationship but I've never really had a "chill", relaxed relationship. I end up obsessing over them (and they obsess over me even more actually).

 

I kind of view it as micro vs macro happiness. In the relationship my micro happiness is maxed out. Each minute of each hour of each day is pretty wonderful but I get sad when I consider the macro "what am I doing with my life?", "I'm x years old and I haven't accomplished these goals", etc. When I'm single the macro-happiness is rather good (I make more progress than people expect me to and honestly I don't feel like I'm working too hard - though I am putting in a lot of effort, it doesn't feel too bad) and the micro-happiness varies but is often pretty great. So, I ended up concluding that I'll be happier single. I'm testing this theory out, I'm going on dates and meeting people but I'd like to keep it a "non-exclusive" sort of situation, each time I've tried this though I end up too attached to one person in particular and they end up saying, "So, either we're going out or I need some space because I like you too much" and I weigh it out and we're together...and we went over how that goes for me.

 

Theoretically I believe there is a balance somewhere but I have no idea how to find it. I was with a wonderful woman until about 5 months ago and I felt suffocated and unable to function for large portions of the relationship. On the other hand I have never been happier and I don't expect to be in the near future. I miss her dearly but I have made more progress towards my goals in the last 2 months than I had in the 1.5ish years prior. I often end up looking backwards and thinking, man if I was the way I am now and I could be with her now, life would be great - but I can see that it just wouldn't be possible. I am able to be the person I am now because she left me, and I had a lot of free-time. The ME I am happy to be cannot exist for very long in that close, deep, LTR, situation.

 

Anyone get what I mean? Any tips?

Edited by DJOkawari
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