Jump to content

When a woman asks, "are you asking me out" or "just hanging out?" Oh the ambiguity


LookAtThisPOst

Recommended Posts

LookAtThisPOst

I met this woman at an event non-Meetup, but happened to meet her through a private social gathering of a more intimate party.

 

After the event, we get to chatting online a lot as she works at home, so she's online all the time.

 

She did come with a guy, but she told me they only hang out though as I had asked her if she was seeing him dating-wise.

 

She only told me they hung out and that's it.

 

That being said, I asked her if she'd like to go out, catch a movie/dinner whatever as she's a big movie and TV buff. Also big into pop-culture, too. We'd chat incessantly about the latest hit TV shows.

 

Anyhow, she said, "Okay, let's have a 'real talk' here. Are you wanting asking me out on a date, because if you're asking me out on a date, well, I simply don't have time as I'm tied to a lot of responsibilities, my kid, etc (she has FULL custody of her child, her father is totally out of the picture) as I'm not looking for anything like that in my life right now...If you're looking to hang out, that's fine, but again...I'm lucky to have even time for that."

 

I asked, "So either way, it's moot? Yes? LOL" and I said something like that I'm looking to go out as friends and leaving everything else up to chance and see how things go." (Which still involves a level of romantic intentions in my statement."

 

We had time chatting online for a while (yes, we did talk in real life when we met in person), so there was some chat time, getting to know you involved...as we both enjoyed our conversations)

 

But when a woman leaves you up to this kind of ambigious choice, men, what is it YOU do, how would you answer?

 

Would you say, "Hey, a date...if not, then have a nice life!"? Or leave it up to chance? Figured its all MOOT anyhow as she has not even the TIME to hang out?

Link to post
Share on other sites

The reception to your efforts was not warm. Regardless of the best tactic of response, she sounds like high maintenance/not worth it. People make themselves busy or not depending on motivation, not commitments. i.e. she goes to meetup events, and chats with you online a bit, but is suddenly the most important+busy parent thing out there? Find someone who is pleasant to be around.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well she just isn't wanting to date. It's possible that her recent attempts at dating have become all too time consuming so she is giving herself a break and moreso with anyone who she thinks may be a very time consuming date.

 

 

Dating isn't the same as it used to be where you set a date face to face or via a call and then wait for date day to arrive, see each other, have fun and then set another date and again, wait for date day... and repeat.

 

 

I've dated 3 guys who were between the ages of 38 to 44 and each one of them were hugely into texting and mailing plus either daily or twice daily phone calls (an hour minimum was their expectation for a call).

 

 

I see people say on here that a text only takes 30 seconds but actually unlocking my phone, waiting for my screen to pop up and then going to my texts takes 30 seconds.

Then going to the text, reading it and hitting reply is a further 30 or more seconds depending on the length of the text. Then thinking of a response and reply can take a couple of minutes or more depending on the length of the text then it's about 30 seconds to wait and know that it has been sent and didn't fail.

So for a text - around 5 minutes per read and reply.

 

 

I used to get around 4 messages from when I woke up to the time I reached my office each day from each of those 3 men. Reading and responding to the four messages took about 20 minutes.

If I didn't respond to a message the guy would send another message because he knew I was not yet at work and was at home getting ready for my day. He would question my lack of response. At that point I would then have two messages to read and reply to.

I ended up getting up earlier. But guess what?! I would respond to message #1 earlier (dang stupid of me!! :laugh:) and then they had an extra 20 mins to get more than 4 messages in before 9am because I had set my alarm earlier to allow an extra 20 mins for all the texts.

The same kind of thing would happen during the day and in the evening.

If I replied during the day and he happened to be able to reply right away then he would, however I may not be able to reply right back as I had sent a text whilst on the toilet and by the time he responded I was back at my desk.

So then he would ask where I had gone. By the time I had my next opportunity to respond (whilst waiting for the kettle to boil) I had the first text to respond to and then another one asking why I hadn't replied.

Things got worse with the kettle boiling text opportunity time as my company got a hot water machine so we now all just press a button and don't have any time waiting for a kettle to boil.

 

 

Once I left work I had shopping to do or errands to run, plus I had to get dinner, tidy up, do washing or anything else that needed doing and then be ready for an hour long phone call. But.. once I left work the amount of texts these guys sent would increase so my time span of reply opportunity would diminish.

Again, if I didn't respond I would get the where are you text. If I responded with 'just busy shopping right now, will get back to you later' I'd get another text asking what I was shopping for. Or, if I simply replied to the text he had sent he would expect a pretty quick reply as I wasn't at work. If I didn't reply quick I would get the 'where did you go?' text.

 

 

With each of these guys I communicated to them many times that I didn't have time for the amount of texts they wanted from me, this would sink on for a day or two and then I would be back to square one again.

Each day I had no idea how it would pan out though.

The rest of the RS could be OK but I just couldn't keep up with my life.

 

 

If she has come across any guys like these then that is your answer and that is why she doesn't have time to date.

She has likely gauged your current levels of contact online, twigged that more contact would be required if you two were dating and become aware that she doesn't have the expected amount of time free.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyhow, she said, "Okay, let's have a 'real talk' here. Are you wanting asking me out on a date, because if you're asking me out on a date, well, I simply don't have time as I'm tied to a lot of responsibilities, my kid, etc (she has FULL custody of her child, her father is totally out of the picture) as I'm not looking for anything like that in my life right now...If you're looking to hang out, that's fine, but again...I'm lucky to have even time for that."

 

That's not ambiguous. I give her credit for being honest and direct with you. Be honest and forthright in return. You have romantic hopes with her, so don’t pursue any further. She is not interested in that.

Edited by BlueIris
clarity
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

She basically told you she's not interested in dating you. She's not turning down friendships, but that's not what you want, so just tell her "I'm really looking for a relationship at this time, so I think I'll just move on."

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I like her response, she's not leading you on. She just knows what she wants and expects you to know that before you develop feelings for her.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
LookAtThisPOst
I see people say on here that a text only takes 30 seconds but actually unlocking my phone, waiting for my screen to pop up and then going to my texts takes 30 seconds.

Then going to the text, reading it and hitting reply is a further 30 or more seconds depending on the length of the text. Then thinking of a response and reply can take a couple of minutes or more depending on the length of the text then it's about 30 seconds to wait and know that it has been sent and didn't fail.

So for a text - around 5 minutes per read and reply.

 

 

 

You probably either have a crappy phone (no offense) or you have something technically wrong going on with your phone, because it never has taken me nor my friends that long to respond or even BRING up the text screen takes ME only a few seconds (not 30 seconds). The response (typing it in, would probably take me another 30 seconds)

 

So probably it would take me no longer than a minute to bring up the text, read it and then respond.

 

Gemma, I think in your situation, the problem is with you. For such a long-winded diatribe as to coming up with a reason not to reply, it's just an excuse.

 

I mean, funny how with the kind of technology we've come up with to allow us to be in touch with each other even more efficiently, it's STILL surprises me that people come up with excuses for struggling with keeping in touch.

 

Sometimes I hear people , even former friends say, "Yeah, I'm pretty bad about returning phone calls." Those people are dead to me. Of course, I'm not like the guys you mentioned where you tell them "I'm out shopping, I'll get back to you later." If the guy didn't take the hint and say, "oh okay, talk to you later" and as, "What are you shopping for?" Then that reeks of desperation. lol Even I don't do that.

 

Though, I don't question, "Why haven't you gotten back with me?" When I text someone because I treat texting more like an EMAIL these days, so I try to get all my information in on the first text so that I'll know I'll get my questions answered right off the bat, and not keep it so fragmented.

 

Though, I do think some people are sitting idlely on their couches at home, texting you and waiting on response as a back and forth chat session, expecting a full conversation back and forth over the course of an hour. (I've seen our front desk receptionist doing that on a slow day at work,lol)

 

But if I sit, wait, and someone doesn't respond immediately, I assume they're off running errands and figured, "Well, I sent an informational text long enough for them to respond to what I'm asking."

 

My 50-something, wish-washy friend is always toying with women though. Apparently he met a woman online, and she was trying to ask HIM out. She said something like, "Hey, I was wondering if we'd like to get together on Saturday. He was working in the yard, had come in to get a drink, saw the text and responded, "I am helping a friend move that day, so I'm not sure how long I'll be doing that and be able to do that and get together in that one day."

 

He put the phone down right after that and went outside and I can only imagine she was sitting on her couch seeing the notification pop up immediately.

 

1. He never let her know what he was busy doing.

2. As he was telling me this situation with this woman he met online, I asked him, "Okay, so you told her you were helping a male friend move that day...so how come you didn't offer up an alternative day?" His answer, "I didn't think about it at the time."

 

Apparently, the lady got irritated with his log delayed, uninformed, and complacent/uneager responses and launched his arse. He also was around 30 minutes late to another date of a woman he met online and didn't think to call her to let her know he was going to be late, but instead was gabbing on the phone with me letting me know, "Woops, I guess I'm going to be late...oh well, she has my number!"

 

Personally, with the increase in communication/technology came the enabling of laziness.

 

It's possible that her recent attempts at dating have become all too time consuming so she is giving herself a break and moreso with anyone who she thinks may be a very time consuming date.

 

This situation doesn't apply to this woman.

 

The woman I did post about doesn't have a problem responding to chats though as we've been doing so back and forth...so whatever you talked about doesn't apply to her anyhow.

Edited by LookAtThisPOst
Link to post
Share on other sites

Even when people are direct it's still 'ambiguous' she doesn't want what you want. So you respond with just that and keep searching.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that she wasn't the least bit ambiguous. She laid it right out and told you she doesn't want a romantic relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ha, dating is simply hanging out and feeling each other up and kissing. Takes the same amount of time.

 

BTDT enough to know that whatever wordsmithing she did was largely irrelevant; the clear message was 'you're not attractive and we won't be dating'. That's how it goes sometimes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It wasn’t wordsmithing. She was clear. She said she doesn't want to date.

 

He isn’t REALLY confused. He just didn’t like her answer so he’s pretending that it was ambiguous.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sure it was. She didn't directly tell him she didn't want to date him. She said she didn't have time. That's, well, a lie, but I'll call it wordsmithing and women are excellent at it, and lying for that matter.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She told him clearly she didn't want a relationship. And also, you're assuming he's reporting her exact words, which is highly doubtful. But if she said what he said she said, she clearly said she's not looking for a relationship. You really can't get more clear than that without saying something completely unwarranted and brutal like "I can tell you want a sexual relationship and I'm not at all interested." If she'd said that, you'd be saying she was assuming she knew what he wanted. Her message offered him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he just wanted to hang out and didn't presume otherwise, but clearly said she didn't want an actual relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sure it was. She didn't directly tell him she didn't want to date him. She said she didn't have time. That's, well, a lie, but I'll call it wordsmithing and women are excellent at it, and lying for that matter.

 

Yes she did and you can't possibly know if she is lying.

 

I didn't realize what you thought of women.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The woman I did post about doesn't have a problem responding to chats though as we've been doing so back and forth...so whatever you talked about doesn't apply to her anyhow.

 

 

Then great!

You have a new friend. :)

 

 

There is no ambiguity in what she said, she is OK with hanging out but not with dating.

No matter whether she is too busy to date or whether it was an excuse she will not date you and has made up her mind about that.

You have three choices:

 

 

1. Move on (good move).

 

 

2. Accept her friendship and set about pursuing other romantic interests (good move if you are sincere about friendship, bad move if you are clinging on to any romantic interest for her).

 

 

3. Accept her friendship whilst choosing to ignore & therefore disrespect that she said she does not want to date you. (on the receiving end this actually feels like the man has not listened or comprehended at all or if he has listened then he is just being disrespectful by ignoring her wishes)

You will be reading more into her positive and friendly correspondence due to you having romantic interest in her (you will be hearing things you want to hear and putting any romantic edge on them where you can because you don't want to believe that she isn't interested - even a 'lol', a smiley or an 'x' can be seen as a sign of encouragement to a man who has chosen to blindside that a woman has said all they will offer is friendship )

Continuing to hope that you can win her over during chats and hanging out (to a woman this reeks of manipulation and would soon end any friendship as it feels like the guy is trying to trap you into a corner).

This scenario usually ends up being one where the man will complain that she led him on when in fact she didn't and she was clear from the start.

If he had listened then he would have moved on if he wasn't happy with platonic friendship, not wasted his time and energy and taken on board from the start that she wasn't interested.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
LookAtThisPOst
Then great!

You have a new friend. :)

 

 

There is no ambiguity in what she said, she is OK with hanging out but not with dating.

No matter whether she is too busy to date or whether it was an excuse she will not date you and has made up her mind about that.

You have three choices:

 

 

1. Move on (good move).

 

 

2. Accept her friendship and set about pursuing other romantic interests (good move if you are sincere about friendship, bad move if you are clinging on to any romantic interest for her).

 

 

3. Accept her friendship whilst choosing to ignore & therefore disrespect that she said she does not want to date you. (on the receiving end this actually feels like the man has not listened or comprehended at all or if he has listened then he is just being disrespectful by ignoring her wishes)

You will be reading more into her positive and friendly correspondence due to you having romantic interest in her (you will be hearing things you want to hear and putting any romantic edge on them where you can because you don't want to believe that she isn't interested - even a 'lol', a smiley or an 'x' can be seen as a sign of encouragement to a man who has chosen to blindside that a woman has said all they will offer is friendship )

Continuing to hope that you can win her over during chats and hanging out (to a woman this reeks of manipulation and would soon end any friendship as it feels like the guy is trying to trap you into a corner).

This scenario usually ends up being one where the man will complain that she led him on when in fact she didn't and she was clear from the start.

If he had listened then he would have moved on if he wasn't happy with platonic friendship, not wasted his time and energy and taken on board from the start that she wasn't interested.

 

#1 is likely the better idea. Found out she lives with her mom, has her kid full time (dad's out of the picture) and is home schooled, so she's pretty much kind of tied to family obligations such as her kid and can rarely get out. She was even working on Power Point presentations late on a Fri. night. So she has all that going on.

 

But #3 I'll never be, I've had a female friend that had men, yes even men well into their 50's try to hang out with her thinking it'll turn into something else.

 

I got to talking to the #3 guy you were talking about, heard HIS side of the story as I was friends with both her and him. He mentioned that he spent this money on her taking her out when he thought he was on a date with her and she did not.

 

What these men were doing they were "insisting" on paying for dinner or whatever admission to a movie and she would kind of cave and go "okay, if you insist.", but she was would frustrated about it.

 

These men she would "hang out with" would just turn out to be a frustrated argument of the man hoping it would go somewhere if he started touching her intimately and him rejecting the guy.

 

Sadly, she was an enabler because she had no friends to hang out with as she would just be bored at home all the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

easy answer here, make it clear it's a date. If she accepts take her out on a proper date and make no apologies or disclaimers about it.

 

 

If she declines or gives you some kind of nebulous blow off, move on to the next.

 

 

Even though I am a guy, I kind of understand and agree with women's frustration with this whole date vs "hang-out" thing.

 

 

If you are interested in someone and want to spend some time with them and get to know them better and you have some interest in it growing into having some level of romantic/sexual component, then don't be a pussy, don't beat around the bush, don't make disclaimers or wimp-out-clauses, just ask them out on a proper date.

 

 

If they say no or they make up some kind of wimp-out-clause of their own then say OK thank you, then move on to the next and leave them in your rear view mirror.

 

 

This whole 'hang out' thing is crap. If you want to hang out, you call up your guy buddies and you sit around and play video games, drink beer, fart, scratch your balls and hang out for real and have fun.

 

 

If you want to get a GF or you want to get laid or you want to pursue a legitimate relationship, you ask women out on proper dates. Very simple formula.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Sadly, she was an enabler because she had no friends to hang out with as she would just be bored at home all the time.

 

Yep, let these people be bored at home.

 

 

Do not be a dancing monkey entertaining people that don't want to date you.

 

 

Accept only one of two possible answer for a date, yes or no.

 

 

If the answer is yes, take them out and see where it goes. It may not go anywhere but you made an honest and honorable attempt.

 

 

If she says no, then move on to the next. No harm, no foul. If someone doesn't want to date you, that is their prerogative. If they end up sitting home on Sat night, too bad so sad, not your concern.

 

 

Remove the words "hang out" from your vocabulary with women. You hang out with guys so you can fart and scratch your balls like a real man. If you want to fart and scratch your balls around women, then I can't help you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint
Would you say, "Hey, a date...if not, then have a nice life!"?

 

If I'm asking out a woman for a date, then I'm interested in her romantically. If the woman tells me she doesn't have time for a date, just hanging out, which translates to her not being interested in me romantically. There's no point in wasting either of our time.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you have romantic intentions, I wouldn't sway from that. Thus my response would be along the lines of:

 

"Yes, I'd like to go on a date with you."

 

And if she confirms not having time (or interest):

 

I would politely tell her "Thanks for the talk", and then quickly leave her and start chatting with other girls at the party.

 

*In other words, if she doesn't have time for me, I'm not going to waste one more minute on her. Focus your energy where it's most likely to bring success.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Itspointless
Gemma, I think in your situation, the problem is with you. For such a long-winded diatribe as to coming up with a reason not to reply, it's just an excuse.

I do not like chatting much as usually it just goes on about nothing. Just as Gemma I find it very time-consuming and not very rewarding. The exception is when I am in love :) But still I like e-mail better than chat (face to face is much better). Usually with chat I notice that people have the tendency to sent but not read answers very well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SupportiveGuy

The ambiguity level of the conversation is based on experience level, not choice of words. This guy is simply not experienced enough to understand the nuance of this polite rejection. Yes, in all respects, it is ambiguous, to the uninitiated, and no, it's not ambiguous at all to the person giving the response.

 

You could probe further and risk burning bridges, but if you're not interested in "just friends" then your bridges are already burned. Time to move on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I specify that it's a date. If she doesn't like the terminology or what it may imply, then she isn't for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I met this woman at an event non-Meetup, but happened to meet her through a private social gathering of a more intimate party.

 

After the event, we get to chatting online a lot as she works at home, so she's online all the time.

 

She did come with a guy, but she told me they only hang out though as I had asked her if she was seeing him dating-wise.

 

She only told me they hung out and that's it.

 

That being said, I asked her if she'd like to go out, catch a movie/dinner whatever as she's a big movie and TV buff. Also big into pop-culture, too. We'd chat incessantly about the latest hit TV shows.

 

Anyhow, she said, "Okay, let's have a 'real talk' here. Are you wanting asking me out on a date, because if you're asking me out on a date, well, I simply don't have time as I'm tied to a lot of responsibilities, my kid, etc (she has FULL custody of her child, her father is totally out of the picture) as I'm not looking for anything like that in my life right now...If you're looking to hang out, that's fine, but again...I'm lucky to have even time for that."

 

I asked, "So either way, it's moot? Yes? LOL" and I said something like that I'm looking to go out as friends and leaving everything else up to chance and see how things go." (Which still involves a level of romantic intentions in my statement."

 

We had time chatting online for a while (yes, we did talk in real life when we met in person), so there was some chat time, getting to know you involved...as we both enjoyed our conversations)

 

But when a woman leaves you up to this kind of ambigious choice, men, what is it YOU do, how would you answer?

 

Would you say, "Hey, a date...if not, then have a nice life!"? Or leave it up to chance? Figured its all MOOT anyhow as she has not even the TIME to hang out?

 

 

I'm not a man, but basically, if a woman says that chances are she sees you as a friend and isn't looking for anything romantic, so if romance is what you want I'd forget about her as a romantic prospect (and not go out and hope she changes her mind based on "chance"). If you can truly hang out as friends then fine, if not, just continue talking about tv shows online and don't bother going out together. It's not ambiguous, she said plain as day that if you are looking to date she isn't into it but if you want to hang out sure. That is spelled out clearly.

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...