Just asked out my coworker crush. Where should I go from here?

[Teknoe]

I'm a teacher, and my coworker is one I've grown to like over the past handful of months. She's really cool, funny and she's just a very endearing lady. Today I came into her classroom after school and I asked her out.

 

Me: Hey. I want to ask you something.

 

Her: What is it?

 

Me: I find you to be appealing. I think you're a cool person. Can I take you out on a date? ... If you're not interested, it's all good.

 

Her: Well honestly, I told myself I wouldn't date my first year of teaching. I would like to get a solid footing here first.

 

Me: Yeah, no worries. I understand. Just you know, been getting to know you a bit at work and yeah, you're just really cool.

 

Her: *smiling* Aw, you think I'm cool? I'm flattered.

 

At this point she switched gears and asked me a teaching-related question. I gave a light-hearted answer and we bantered over it for a little bit. The only thing I noticed was that she used my first name twice, and she doesn't often use my name... so I'm not sure if that's a good thing or even if it's anything worth looking into at all. But I found it warm and comforting that she would say my name like "Aww, gosh Teknoe. You and your jokes" sort of thing. It was very endearing how she said it.

 

Not wanting to overstay my welcome, I retreated and wished her a good night. She did the same.

 

A couple points:

 

1. She didn't flat out reject me. But she also left it very ambiguously. She did not mention how she felt about me at all, and perhaps I should have inquired, but I didn't want to come off as pushy or "insecure" or needy... like I needed an answer then and there.

 

2. I'm unclear if she's genuine about this conviction of no dating in her first year or if it was just a "go to" answer to let me down gently.

 

3. I guess now my plan is to just act normal around her, don't bring it up again until she's ready (I don't want to be pushy or a jerk... I respect her boundaries especially since we are co-workers). All I can say for sure is now she knows I like her. And the next few months should be very telling how she truly feels about me.

 

Anyway, any comments or questions?

Any tips for do's and don't's in such a situation?

Open to hearing people's two cents!

 

In closing, I'm honestly not pinning my hopes on this. If she wants to date me, great. If not, life goes on. Besides, who wants to be with someone who doesn't like you back? Also, I felt great after her "rejection." Somehow, it became more about me facing my fears rather than her answer. It felt liberating to be honest with her and get it out of my system.

 

Just not super sure how to move forward with this one. Was even thinking of offering her an event in early June (hey, her first year of teaching will be over in 3 months' time!) and her response to that would be pretty telling but again, I don't want to come across as being too pushy or needy.

 

So maybe best course of action is just to play it cool, play it straight, and let her see my character the next 90 days or so (since we are coworkers who see each other 5x a week). That might be my best chance of success.

[preraph]

That was a no. She didn't express any regrets or anything. She just wants you to be professional with her.

[Els]

It sounds like a polite rejection to me. The REASON isn't clear - could be what she said, or could be that she doesn't want to date someone at her workplace, etc. But the intent is clear, she doesn't want to date you. She just wants to maintain a good professional relationship.

 

Sorry, Teknoe. Better luck next time.

[Teknoe]

Yeah, it does come off as a polite rejection.

 

It's all good. I'm feeling OK right now. I feel better just knowing that I tried, and that I had enough courage to face the fear of rejection.

 

Meh, I've been rejected before, and I'm sure this won't be the last time. But with each rejection I learn something new and develop a little thicker skin, which is a good thing.

[kolleamm]

There's a problem with your approach. You cannot just go up to someone and ask them out, that's like playing black jack in Vegas. Get to know them, read their body language around you first in a casual conversation, then if you get a good vibe go for it.

You will save yourself a lot of frustration this way. Go back in your mind and analyze how and the women who did and didn't like you acted, that's how you master the body language approach. If you don't have many experiences then by all means go get rejected a few times.

Either way asking her out the way you did took some guts so cudos on that.

[Teknoe]

There's a problem with your approach. You cannot just go up to someone and ask them out, that's like playing black jack in Vegas. Get to know them, read their body language around you first in a casual conversation, then if you get a good vibe go for it.

You will save yourself a lot of frustration this way. Go back in your mind and analyze how and the women who did and didn't like you acted, that's how you master the body language approach. If you don't have many experiences then by all means go get rejected a few times.

Either way asking her out the way you did took some guts so cudos on that.

 

Oh I didn't just barge in there and asked her out.

 

We were talking for a bit before I asked her out, and her body language seemed positive, though admittedly not as positive as in weeks' past (But I get it, teaching is hard and it stresses anyone out so I get it if you're not all rainbows and sunshine).

 

As for getting to know her, I have been since September. Felt we've built up a solid rapport and connection, but apparently it's just a "work friend" type of connection.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I really don't think it was a rejection. I think it was what she said: that the timing is not right because it is her first year of teaching. Some women mean what they say.

I would drop it for the moment but ask her again in half a year. You would not be the first guy who asked a girl out at a moment it did not suit her.

[d0nnivain]

1. She didn't flat out reject me. But she also left it very ambiguously.

 

There's two threads currently running here on LS. One was from a woman asking how to tell a man she is not interested. I gave a polite suggestion & another member, a man, fitnessfan (I think) took me to task for being vague & giving a guy false hope. He started his own thread called something like "Don't be polite". You should read both threads.

 

Yours is a shining example of that. She was polite. You saw it as ambiguous.

 

Let me clear it up for you. Her response, "I don't want to date during my 1st year of teaching" is a version of "I don't want a relationship right now". They are both missing the phrase "with you." If you were everything she ever wanted, she would have jumped into your arms. Instead she gave an excuse which she desperately hopes will discourage you from ever asking again but simultaneously diminish any awkwardness & thereby preserve your professional relationship.

 

She does not fancy you & she won't fancy you next year. In the event that she does change her mind, she has to come to you & ask you out. Until she does that assume the answer remains that she is not interested & conduct yourself accordingly.

[Frank2thepoint]

Me: I find you to be appealing. I think you're a cool person. Can I take you out on a date? ... If you're not interested, it's all good.

 

For future reference, this sounds a bit robotic. Also, don't mention "If you're not interested, it's all good." part. It displays low confidence.

 

Here's an example of a better way to ask out a woman: "You're a pretty cool person. I like you. Do you want to join me on a date and get drinks?"

[JuneJulySeptember]

How many co-workers is that now that you've been rejected by and how many are left?

 

Just joking, I've been there too.

 

When a woman likes you, she will take the next step. It's just so hard to believe for some guys, because it happens so seldom.

 

If it takes 1 in 100, that's what it takes. It really is a numbers game rife with rejection for a lot of guys, so it helps to think of things that way.

Edited March 6, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Teknoe]

Yeah, it was a polite rejection.

 

We had a couple interactions today. And the overall vibe I get from her is... not interested.

 

Sure, she cracked a couple jokes, but she was kind of teasing me in a playful sort of way, but not in a flirtatious matter. More of mocking me as buddies would do.

 

No approach about how she felt about me or whatever. She carried on like nothing happened, so I have my answer in her silence.

 

It is a numbers game. I just have to keep my head held up high and move on.

[Winston_Smith]

Yeah, it was a polite rejection.

 

We had a couple interactions today. And the overall vibe I get from her is... not interested.

 

Sure, she cracked a couple jokes, but she was kind of teasing me in a playful sort of way, but not in a flirtatious matter. More of mocking me as buddies would do.

 

No approach about how she felt about me or whatever. She carried on like nothing happened, so I have my answer in her silence.

 

It is a numbers game. I just have to keep my head held up high and move on.

 

Good. For. You. Man!

 

Just leave it at that. I've been there with a colleague before, but rather than let it go, accept that I'm not her type and preserve my dignity, I kept at it, trying different approaches. I ended up just embarrassing myself.

 

You're still in a good position. Only good things can come of this. One, you get over your feelings for her and you meet someone else. Two, you gain a good colleague or may be even a good friend. Three, she gets to know you better and you grow on her.

[preraph]

You're doing fine. The main thing it to let her know it rolled right off your back, but now it's back to just business and being polite. It's good on a professional level that she is putting out the effort to try to be joking with you and I think that reflects she still really respects you as a coworker. Really, it's the best possible outcome for a rejection at work. She doesn't want you to think ill of her or that she thinks ill of you.