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Do I seem unapproachable?


genuinelyloverly7

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genuinelyloverly7

I am curious about how men (and lady lovers) perceive 'vibes' or attitude, or availableness.

 

I am a little bit introverted, a little bit outgoing, and a generally optimistic and happy person. I tend to seem in my own head but am usually easy to engage in public, once approached. (Although I do get shy and end it too quickly. I am working on that.) Men have said I am fine, beautiful, sexy, and pretty. I don't always feel that way about myself, but usually do. I do doubt that people see me that way sometimes because as far as I can tell, I am not hot in the modern traditional sense. More in the classical sense. So I really doubt that I am so unattractive that men woudn't approach me out in public. However, I don't wear makeup, or perfume, or traditional 'sexy clothes'.

 

But they don't!

 

Is it my generally confident, happy attitude? I am genuinely this way, and love to share that with people. I am pretty open emotionally, and when I am upset, it shows too. Is that level of happiness/confidence seen as cheesy, or maybe intimidating? I do get a lot of smiles or sometimes sideways looks in public, but that could also be the enxt thing on my list...

Is it my openness and alternative lifestyle preferences? I wear a bra just as often as I don't wear a bra out in public, but I don't walk around flippin' nips at everyone here in Texas either. Back in San Francisco I might have, but I do it less here in the Bible Belt's buckle. I wear slightly suggestive things just as often as I wear a thick badly fitting hoodie, so it's not like my clothes are too revealing or too 'invisible-ing'.

 

In the last year, literally only one man has approached me. Another crudely suggested things to me from his car window once, and a few other like that. Which I ignore, of course.

 

The one who did approach me wanted to marry me the next day. So I don't doubt that some men find me attractive enough to consider me. So much so that he didn't want to reveal himself to me for the whole six months we dated. So that didn't work out. The man I am seeing now every once in a while, I approached him (which I have gotten used to doing because how else will I ever get a date at this rate?) and he acted highly flattered.

 

But what's up with folks not approaching me? (almost) N-E-V-E-R...

 

Men, any ideas? Ladies, any similar experiences?

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Do you go out to the usual places where people gather and drink alcoholic beverages?

 

I mean, I approach outside of that, but it's not something I do just because I think the girl looks attractive. If she is "in her own head", I don't bother her. Me approaching a girl I see out in public (not a club or bar) is because she seemed interested, I see her checking me out and smiling at me and such. I don't just randomly go up to a girl.

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genuinelyloverly7

Gosh, I just reread this and feel like I was venting on this issue. I almost want to delete it... :o

 

Oh well, I'm open to learning new tings about myself all the time. :bunny:

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It's funny that you said only one man has approached you like you were waiting for them. Guess what? Guys wait around too for women to come to them.

 

I'm a fine example of this. Of course sometimes I do just go ahead and make a move so I don't end up having regrets but most of the time I also wait for the approach or them to start the conversation.

 

This is I believe because neither side wants to lose. Whenever you approach someone you stand the chance of being rejected which would sort of ruin your day.

 

So if guys just sort of keep to themselves around you it might not always be because they don't like you, in fact they could think your too good and off limits to them.

 

Either way don't worry too much, life has a way of working things out. Just follow through with whatever you believe may be the answer.

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Frank2thepoint
I am a little bit introverted, a little bit outgoing, and a generally optimistic and happy person. I tend to seem in my own head but am usually easy to engage in public, once approached.

 

If you are optimistic and happy, then why do you wait for a man to approach you? Just like many women, you want a man to approach instead of just look. There is a significant flaw with that expectation. The flaw being the expectation. Or a hint of entitlement. You admitted that you are talkative, once approached. That's an expectation. If you want things to change, approach a man yourself. I'm not saying you should ask him out too, but at least even the playing field a bit. It's not easy for a lot of men to just randomly approach a woman they smile at, especially if the woman doesn't give any kind of indicator or "green light" for being approached.

 

I wear a bra just as often as I don't wear a bra out in public

 

I wear slightly suggestive things just as often as I wear a thick badly fitting hoodie

 

Have you noticed if there is a correlation between the amount of smiles and stares you get, and when you are not wearing a bra and/or wearing revealing clothing?

 

I've seen women that you describe yourself as, here in the streets of NYC, and I have done the same things as the men you described. I smiled, maybe even said a hello, or commented on the nice shirt the woman has (honestly nice nips) but definitely stared.

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genuinelyloverly7

thanks for the reply folks; I 100% hear you about being the first to approach. And I know I need to step that up, but I am SO bad at chit-chat/intro talk. I know; practice, practice, practice...

 

And I do have proof that approaching someone works. As I said in my original post, the first/last guy I did approach took my number and called me and we have now been on 3 dates in the last 3 months. Slow to warm to me, or busy with his exams for work? I am choosing to think that he is busy, and will put more into it when he can. For now, anyway.

 

Entitlement is a strong word; I would say expectation is about right. Sure, I have an expectation that 'you' will approach 'me.' Just like I expect myself to go up and talk to you. And if I have only approached one guy in six months, I have nothing to speak about. Consider myself smacked. :D

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This is not to diss your lifestyle but just my perception why men would not fall over themselves to approach you with your lifestyle preferences:

 

 

Bisexual (I think from what I read).

Raw Vegan (from your interests).

Inner goddess feminism stuff.

 

 

This is a tough sale for a lot of men, but I am guessing a killer for bible belt dudes. Now they don't that about you yet, but I am guessing you do give of those vibes maybe? I would imagine in SF you had an easier time.

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fitnessfan365

Anytime men see a hot woman, two things happen.

 

1) The guy will assume she has a boyfriend. Worst mistake you can make. Why do you think so many hot women wind up online?

 

2) Nice guys with no balls with automatically assume she is out of their league. As a personal trainer, I am around gorgeous women all the time. Let me tell you. They are some of the nicest, sweetest women you'll ever meet. But guys with no confidence automatically assume they'll be stuck up bit**es.

 

If you're as hot as you say you are, and I saw you out and about, I'd approach you, be direct about what caught my eye, and talk to you. If I felt any basic chemistry, I'd get your number and call you. There's something very impowering when a fine woman gets turned on by you having the balls to approach. :sick:

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They are some of the nicest, sweetest women you'll ever meet. But guys with no confidence automatically assume they'll be stuck up bit**es.

lol your a personal trainer of course their nice to you

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In the last year, literally only one man has approached me.

 

Hey, that's more than me! :p

 

There's nothing abnormal about it. But the more you think about it and analyze it, the more abnormal you'll start to feel. Which just isn't true!

 

Some people just don't get approached. Nothing wrong!

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Frank2thepoint
And I do have proof that approaching someone works. As I said in my original post, the first/last guy I did approach took my number and called me and we have now been on 3 dates in the last 3 months. Slow to warm to me, or busy with his exams for work? I am choosing to think that he is busy, and will put more into it when he can. For now, anyway.

 

3 dates in 3 months is very slow. I will give it to you straight, coming from a man. He's not that interested. He likes your company, he likes he has you he can ask out (probably to boost his ego), but if he was really interested, even with a busy schedule, a man can make the time for a date. He's on the fence, unsure of his interest. I'm sharing this because I've been that guy.

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genuinelyloverly7

Thanks all for the replies.

 

Yes, I notice that more open or out there attire gets more attention, of all kinds. Of course. Sometimes I want that, and sometimes I just want to wear something that I like and feel good in. So I am pretty understanding when it is that kind of attention. Men and some women like to look, and others just arent used to it. I feel like I am there to push their boundaries a little, sometimes. But I try to keep it respectful and tactfull.

 

I agree that SF probably would have more guys like myself. Maybe Ill find one to move to the Belt part time with me. :bunny: I do tend towards the more alternative side of things in many ways. I knew it would be hard dating down here in the South, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard.

 

@frank2thepoint- thanks for your cander. I agree, and it only recently started bothering me more (on and off) because I only recently started to feel more for this person. I was okay with it at first, because I felt the same way. Still do, when I think about some key differences (I have another thread on that). But I definitely wonder if I am a convenience, or a friend that might be more. He says he is all in or nothing so he doesn't want to jump into anything. Which I am trying to learn how to do :o ... so I appreciate the lesson for now. But as I start to feel more I will need more clarity and intent on his side. So we will see.

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Frank2thepoint
He says he is all in or nothing so he doesn't want to jump into anything.

 

Reread this. The first half of his statement does not jive with the second half. He's definitely not that interested; it's lukewarm. You can wait out to see how it develops, but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

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Well, usually being friendly smiley will work for a woman. So that, combined with how you've said you are probably reasonably attractive, leads me to believe it may be how you're dressing or your hair and lack of makeup. Hoodies are about as unsexy as you can get on a woman. And they will make you invisible. So will anything that doesn't show your waistline or outline your curves a little.

 

Not having met you I can't say this is even the real problem, but I would just recommend you watch some reruns of TLC channel's "What Not to Wear" and see how dressing more completely with some thought put into it with clothes that fit can really change how people notice you and how they view you. My guess is you clean up real nice but don't do it often enough.

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