londonlady82 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) I'm 32. I'm not an ugly person (I've been described as beautiful, stunning etc), I have loads of hobbies and interests, which I think makes me easy to converse with, I can make people laugh blah blah blah... yet the task of getting a boyfriend is IMPOSSIBLE for me. I think I've ran out of ways to try! I broke up with my ex, N, in 2006. We're very good friends now and he still has feelings for me (he's told me many times and is still not really over our break up). I've fancied and got close to about 10 guys since our break up, but a relationship hasn't emerged for me: looking back I think I came on too strong for a couple of them, the others just didn't see me a gf material I guess. I've often thought that perhaps N was meant to be "the one". We get on so well and he's essentially "perfect" for me. I love him to bits. But as a friend. I don't have feelings for him no matter how much I "try" to! I feel like I'm cursed or something. And that I'll never have a boyfriend again because N was supposed to be "the one". This is kind of more of a rant then seeking advice as I don't know what anyone can say to help anymore! Edited February 24, 2015 by londonlady82 Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Do you actually know what it is you seek? What exactly is it that stops you from having and developing feelings for your "perfect" ex? Is it his looks, does he not tie his shoes in a way you want or something entirely else? You don't actually have to answer any of that, I'm just wondering what exactly you are looking for but can't seem to find. I guess there is always the chance that some people don't know exactly what it is they desire, and then they end up "wasting" years trying to find something that perhaps doesn't even exists. Putting aside that people have vastly different expectations and requirements of a potential partner, maybe you should try approaching your situation in a completely new way that you wouldn't normally do. I think perhaps it's a bit dramatic to assume you are cursed and will never have a boyfriend again, especially because you do have options and also have gotten close to 10. In no way to derail or make your issue seem less relevant, but there are women who would like to experience their first boyfriend, even at your age. On a last note, whatever is keeping you from being with your ex I don't think you should think of lowering your standards or whatever it may be holding you back. Doing such will likely just postpone inevitable unhappiness and you like anyone else deserve to be that. If you have the freedom then you should take advantage of that. The best journey any of us can go on, is one inwards to truly figure out what on earth it is we want from life. Many miss this because life has a way of just throwing us into one situation after another with no real room for pause. Link to post Share on other sites
Moy Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 What is it that you are actually looking for from a man? What are your dealbreakers that filter out potential suitors? What prevalance could your desire for "the one" or somebody who is "perfect" have on the fact that you find it hard to meet somebody? How You Can Get Everything Wrong and Still Find The Man of Your Dreams Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 londonlady82, take heart ! I was single for 15+ years before I met my second husband, and during that time I kissed an awful lot of frogs. I can't really give you advice except to say do not, whatever you do, lower your standards and settle for less than what you really want. I am assuming your requirements are reasonable? If you were looking for a Christian, vegan, virgin who makes 200k a year, I'd say you were on a hiding to nothing. (But I'm sure you're not!) Maybe you are still hankering after that first guy and not giving the others a chance, but only you can answer that? Good luck x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If you were looking for a Christian, vegan, virgin who makes 200k a year, I'd say you were on a hiding to nothing. (But I'm sure you're not!) Oh I don't know... at least they would stand out so would be easier to find! Normal decent chaps are the ones in hiding! I have discovered its because they keep being treated like carp by women so they give up run away and hide... tempted to do the same myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) No consolation for you OP but for me I'm at least pleased to know Im not the only one who has a feeling of being cursed. Your story is the same as mine- I split up with my ex of 4 years in 2006 and there has literally been no-one since. Well, I have met people but it doesnt seem to work out, we are always at different levels of interest or its the right place at the wrong time. This circumstance seems practically impossible- how can you go 10 years without a relationship that lasts more than a month? It does make me think back and feel that I am 'cursed'- thats the only opportunity I am ever going to get with a girl who was perfectly suited and because I screwed it up Im not going to get another chance. Its so annoying that other people get to learn from their mistakes when they were young and naive- I feel now thst its just never going to happen for me. So yeah, not much consolation for you OP but I am in the same position and can really empathise Edited February 24, 2015 by insert_name Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 My last long term relationship ended in 2004. It's gonna hit 11 years soon. I have had a couple of short term relationships that lead nowhere. I met tons of men and it's been a lot of frustration as I feel no one is serious or even capable of treating a woman like a lady for a few dates. But I won't stop. If I have to knock at another 200 doors I will. If you keep putting some efforts eventually you will find him. If you stop trying than 100% certain you won't find. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author londonlady82 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you all for your answers. I know my post was a bit odd! Stalwartmind - I don't know what it is that stops me seeing my ex in that way. I just see him as a friend now. I guess he just doesn't make my heart sing which is what I feel when I really like someone. I actually thought long and hard about this in 2012, and told him I wanted to try again. He was ecstatic. But kissing him again just felt so strange and wrong so I told him I'd made a mistake after a couple of weeks (I felt awful.) Our relationship was just over two years, it was my first relationship and it was "easy" cos there was no drama. I guess I craved that excitement you feel at the beginning of a relationship cos naturally that wears off after a while. I guess I was naive. I sometimes think I'd have appreciated N more if I'd had a crap relationship before being with him! Bad isn't it? I can't change the way I feel now. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sometimes you'll find out it's something you're doing on the first date that is scaring people off, whether it's acting like you're interviewing the man or bringing up you want to get married or have kids or talking about your ex or being without table manners or dressing badly or too slutty. When you find an attractive woman having this problem, it's usually something they're saying or doing, and you did say you came on strong. No idea what that exactly means, but if I could just make a simple suggestion to try on the next men you go out with: Don't ask a bunch of questions. Don't bring up anything serious unless he directly asks. Don't mention past relationships and make short work of it if he asks about your relationship history. Be vague as if you are uninterested in it, not dwelling on it. And above all, just try to set a fun tone. Just be fun and laughing and entertaining and just have fun. First dates are hard. All anyone really wants on one is to feel accepted and at ease, and just being lighthearted is the best way to do that. Leave serious stuff for if you get past a few dates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author londonlady82 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sometimes you'll find out it's something you're doing on the first date that is scaring people off, whether it's acting like you're interviewing the man or bringing up you want to get married or have kids or talking about your ex or being without table manners or dressing badly or too slutty. When you find an attractive woman having this problem, it's usually something they're saying or doing, and you did say you came on strong. No idea what that exactly means, but if I could just make a simple suggestion to try on the next men you go out with: Don't ask a bunch of questions. Don't bring up anything serious unless he directly asks. Don't mention past relationships and make short work of it if he asks about your relationship history. Be vague as if you are uninterested in it, not dwelling on it. And above all, just try to set a fun tone. Just be fun and laughing and entertaining and just have fun. First dates are hard. All anyone really wants on one is to feel accepted and at ease, and just being lighthearted is the best way to do that. Leave serious stuff for if you get past a few dates. Thanks for your input- I'm a bit stumped as to why you think I do any of those things when on a date as I don't do any of those things at all! I know all the dating "rules" and recently started dating a few guys from Match.com and I didn't feel a connection with any of them. I know I didn't do anything wrong. When i spoke about coming on too strong with some guys in my original message, they were with guys I was already friends with and I guess I made it too obvious. Guys like a challenge when it comes to pursuing a lady. I guess I'm not attracted to the nice obtainable guys and going for the wrong unavailable ones! Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You'll find it. Link to post Share on other sites
kolleamm Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 This is how you solve your problem. You take an honest look in the mirror and assess your true honest aesthetic worth. You then improve it if you need to. I did that and it was probably the most rewarding thing I have ever done. On Valentines Day too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I'm 32. I'm not an ugly person (I've been described as beautiful, stunning etc), I have loads of hobbies and interests, which I think makes me easy to converse with, I can make people laugh blah blah blah... yet the task of getting a boyfriend is IMPOSSIBLE for me. I think I've ran out of ways to try! I broke up with my ex, N, in 2006. We're very good friends now and he still has feelings for me (he's told me many times and is still not really over our break up). I've fancied and got close to about 10 guys since our break up, but a relationship hasn't emerged for me: looking back I think I came on too strong for a couple of them, the others just didn't see me a gf material I guess. I've often thought that perhaps N was meant to be "the one". We get on so well and he's essentially "perfect" for me. I love him to bits. But as a friend. I don't have feelings for him no matter how much I "try" to! I feel like I'm cursed or something. And that I'll never have a boyfriend again because N was supposed to be "the one". This is kind of more of a rant then seeking advice as I don't know what anyone can say to help anymore! Relax and stay open minded. Don't try to force anything nor discount anything. You never know what's waiting round the corner in life. Finding that special someone is not an everyday occurrence. You'll know it when you eventually meet them. They might not be what you imagined your next love to be but all of a sudden you'll know why you were single for so long. I was single for over 13 years after my ex. Many told me I was going to waste but no woman in those years did it for me. That's not to say anything was wrong with them, simply that the spark wasn't there. I was 99% sure I was to be single the rest of my life. Then, one day, in the most unlikely circumstances, up popped someone and that spark was there. Neither of us were actively looking and it was totally unexpected. We have a hell of lot in common but a lot of opposites as well. All a bit "Lady and the Tramp". Nothing was forced or contrived, it just was, even though neither could understand it at the time. As you have run out of things to try then maybe not trying at all would be worth a go. Live life for yourself, be yourself, entirely yourself. Time, faith and patience. You're just as likely to meet someone during mundane, every day life as actively looking. One day someone will pop up. All you have to do is ensure you are not closed off to any circumstance or possibility. Life can be surprising. You'll find it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author londonlady82 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Thank you snaggletooth, that's very comforting. I'll try "not trying" for a while! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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