Guys don't approach me (Updated)

[Ashley S]

Hi everyone! I am feeling extremely insecure. I love going to parties, and I don't go often, but when I do I end up hating the parties. I don't get approached by guys, and I read somewhere, and heard from other guys that if you approach them and talk to them first, then the pressure is off of the guy, so that's what I do. I go up to these make normal conversation, and they either leave in the midst of conversation, or they quickly talk to me, and then leave. It makes me feel worse about myself. I know I am not the most beautiful thing in the world, but it makes me worse about myself when I get dolled up, and dress really nice, and have NO guys approach me, or when I do approach guys they seem disinterested.

 

I talk normally, it's not like I go up and say obscure things. I have normal conversation. Yet, guys never seem to want anything to do with me. The guy friends I have, have girlfriends, or I knew them for a long time, so they don't count. I am not looking for attention, I am just feeling really insecure because everytime I go to parties, I just feel even more insecure about myself because I do put myself out there, and I get rejected. Why does this happen? I carry myself well, I am not some weirdo that says weird things. Guys never seem to approach me. I am just really feeling down on myself. Any stories? Or advice? Please share. Thank you.

[LoveRefreshed]

why does anyone get rejected? Welcome to the world of dating. Grow some thicker Skin. On a good night where I am Feeling confident and social, I will Approach and talk to 10-20 different Girls in a night. Usually I get shot down by all of them. Hahaha, try to learn and pay Attention to Body language and what you might be saying to them that is a turn off.

 

 

Sometimes, Girls come off trying way to hard. "I took poledancing lessons" is not a good start. Try to tease them a Little a bit, have some fun. I really think making a Connection is all about laughing and having a good time and fun. It should just flow and be fun. Nothing serious at first.

 

 

Consider what you talk about and try to adjust and read other People. Figure out what makes them smile and laugh.

[smackie9]

Make yourself more approachable by

1. smiling. Smiling makes you look more relaxed and friendly to guys.

2.eye contact. If you like a guy you make quick intense eye contact, look away, pause, talk to someone else, then look again, smile shyly.

3. don't wear so much makeup or dress over done. Guys are more comfortable with a girl that looks natural and feminine. I got more hit on by guys when I am without makeup, my hair up in a ponytail, and wearing sweats....go figure eh?

4.Confidence, and positivity. People can sense your vibe. If you are comfortable in your own skin, feeling sexy, happy, guys can feel it, and will love it.

[Ashley S]

why does anyone get rejected? Welcome to the world of dating. Grow some thicker Skin. On a good night where I am Feeling confident and social, I will Approach and talk to 10-20 different Girls in a night. Usually I get shot down by all of them. Hahaha, try to learn and pay Attention to Body language and what you might be saying to them that is a turn off.

 

 

Sometimes, Girls come off trying way to hard. "I took poledancing lessons" is not a good start. Try to tease them a Little a bit, have some fun. I really think making a Connection is all about laughing and having a good time and fun. It should just flow and be fun. Nothing serious at first.

 

 

Consider what you talk about and try to adjust and read other People. Figure out what makes them smile and laugh.

 

Yeah that sucks buddy. Lol, I talk about what they would be interested in like for an example this guy was in a band, and I went up to him and started talking to him about his band, and I jokingly said "I need and autograph", and he laughed, but then we talked a few more sentences, and then he just leaves in the midst of conversation. I was puzzled, and it made me feel stupid. I try to go with the flow, but it always seems like even when I just talk to guys normally, they don't want to talk to me. It makes me feel so insecure, and self conscious. Thank you though for sharing, and commenting. I appreciate it.

[Ashley S]

Make yourself more approachable by

1. smiling. Smiling makes you look more relaxed and friendly to guys.

2.eye contact. If you like a guy you make quick intense eye contact, look away, pause, talk to someone else, then look again, smile shyly.

3. don't wear so much makeup or dress over done. Guys are more comfortable with a girl that looks natural and feminine. I got more hit on by guys when I am without makeup, my hair up in a ponytail, and wearing sweats....go figure eh?

4.Confidence, and positivity. People can sense your vibe. If you are comfortable in your own skin, feeling sexy, happy, guys can feel it, and will love it.

 

I do smile a lot. A lot of people always say that about me. I am very nice, and sociable. I love to talk to people, but I always seem to have people disinterested in me. Maybe it is my makeup and how the way I dress. Lol, I don't dress expensive, but I do dress in cute outfits, and leather jackets, leather boots, and what not. Is that intimidating? haha. I love my makeup, and red lipstick, and what not, so I don't know if that makes me seem stuck up or something. But you are right. Thanks for sharing your input and advice. xoxo.

[katiegrl]

Make yourself more approachable by

 

3. don't wear so much makeup or dress over done. Guys are more comfortable with a girl that looks natural and feminine. I got more hit on by guys when I am without makeup, my hair up in a ponytail, and wearing sweats....go figure eh?

 

True for me too! My boyfriend actually thinks I look most beautiful when I just wake up in the morn too...no makeup...hair all disheveled...

 

Funny what turns guys on! It's actually the exact opposite of what many women think!

[devilish innocent]

You said you smile, but do you make eye contact as well? The time I had the most luck with guys approaching me was when I decided to smile and make eye contact with every guy in the room. I didn't stare at them, but just looked long enough in a guy's direction to make them feel that I was approachable.

 

You're brave to approach all of those guys first. You just have to take it in stride if nothing more comes of it. The vast majority of the time conversations with new people end up leading nowhere. You shouldn't take it personally.

[amaysngrace]

I do smile a lot. A lot of people always say that about me. I am very nice, and sociable. I love to talk to people, but I always seem to have people disinterested in me. Maybe it is my makeup and how the way I dress. Lol, I don't dress expensive, but I do dress in cute outfits, and leather jackets, leather boots, and what not. Is that intimidating? haha. I love my makeup, and red lipstick, and what not, so I don't know if that makes me seem stuck up or something. But you are right. Thanks for sharing your input and advice. xoxo.

 

I agree with the little bit of make-up advice. A lot of guys want to know that you aren't so high maintenance and they also want to know what you're going to look like after a romantic weekend in bed.

 

Do you put on a full face of make-up before you even run out on a quick errand?

 

You're a pretty girl. If you can be comfortable just being you other people will be comfortable around you too. But you have to go first.

[preraph]

Are you the girl in the photo in your post? If so, you are an attractive girl. You say you wear lots of leather. If you're the girl in the photo, you also wear lots of makeup and have extreme streaked hair. Now, I used to do the same thing, and yes, it can be intimidating to a lot of guys. I was a rocker chick hanging out in rocker crowds, but I was still intimidating, and I've been told as much. Now, I was more than happy to ward off some of the more easily frightened men, but once in awhile it was too much for someone I might have liked, and certainly for the world at large who didn't understand the subculture.

 

I love that you're going up and talking to people. That's the best way to be. Don't change that. My suggestion is if you are mostly wearing leather and also doing extreme hair like in your photo and also doing extreme makeup, that's too much extreme. You can get the message across by doing any one of those things and letting that accentuate rather than shout. Even though you're approaching guys, for them to see you as more approachable, you have to unharden your look some by not doing all three things at once. I like your hair, I like your makeup, I would probably like your clothes, but all three together is screaming "I'm trying too hard" and then the end of the sentence will be up to the interpreter "to be sexy," "to look tough," "to look hip." Trying too hard isn't good.

 

All this is a waste of time if that isn't even your photo, but that's all I've got to go by. If you wear a leather jacket, wear a ruffled blouse underneath it. And don't wear that jacket all the time. Take it off. It's not your uniform.

 

If your boots are thigh-high, well, I love those and once dated a guy who wore lime green ones, but it's considered hoochie these days by the larger population. I was in Kohl's around Christmas and a woman about 30 walked by with what I thought were cool over-the-knee boots and the two younger women behind me started saying what a slut she looked like.

 

But you'll see them in fashion magazines paired with a really sophisticated tweed pant or mod tweed jacket, and they look the height of fashion. Don't pair hoochie with more hoochie. Pair it with sophistication. And I would say all that goes for knee boots as well, if they're high-heeled OR studded or masculine in any way.

 

If you do big red lips and lots of eye makeup, you don't need to top it off with extreme hair. If you do extreme hair, you need to do more natural makeup. Makeup experts will all tell you not to even do dramatic eyes at the same time with dramatic lips, so take it down a notch with that as well. I saw some survey a couple years ago about whether men like red lipstick. Most of them did not and thought it was too much, and then of course a few think it's the sexiest thing ever. Don't wear it all the time. Wear a flat wine color or whatever your lip tone is at least mostly for day, or a light gloss. Do more variety. Don't let any one thing become your uniform, because that can make you look rigid and inflexible.

 

Having big black eyeliner every day and night can make you look scary and severe. These days there are many different ways to create a great eye without the heavy black everywhere. Go to Mac and get them to do your face. They only charge for it if it's an appointment, I think. You can walk in and look at makeup and see if they'll show you. Big department stores often have makeup artists. I was lucky because way back in the late sixties when I was in high school, my mom had the foresight to take me to little store that only sold one brand cosmetic and have them teach me how to do a natural face. Now, I was more dramatic than that, but those skills came in handy the rest of my life. Nowadays you can get all those tips on YouTube or on TLC channel as well. So lots of good resources.

 

Don't "heavy" up your outfit, wearing nothing but clunky belts, clunky metal jewelry. One piece at a time sends the message. More than one is trying too hard and saying "me, me, me." Take some off. Be sure you never have all "hard" clothing on. Be sure you have one piece that screams femininity, whether it's a chiffon skirt or a printed blouse or even just a nice v-neck over jeans with a cute heeled open-toed shoe.

 

You won't sacrifice your personal style by just taking 50 percent off what you feels speaks volumes about one aspect of you and replacing it with something that speaks to the more basic you, the woman. Your individuality will be obvious even if it's only in the details and isn't just all up front shouting.

 

And just for an experiment, the next party you go to, leave all your "signature" style behind and just do a conventional female mannequin for the night with none of the trappings, just to see the different type people who will find you more approachable. I'm not saying stick with that, because you should express yourself, but it's an interesting experiment. I used to wear a lot of black and in my 30s, on a whim I bought something trendy that was all white and ruffles and flouncey and wore it to promotional party, and people kept coming up saying they didn't even know it was me. And one attractive guy (who I nonetheless didn't like because I knew he cheats on his wife) was approaching me to hit on me (he admitted it) and didn't recognize me until he was right up to me, and he actually told me that. It's just a fun experiment. It wasn't me, but it was clear that a lot more people found me approachable, mostly cheating husbands.

[Woggle]

It has nothing to do with you. Men these days are just afraid to approach women in general. Don't take it personally.

[katiegrl]

I agree tone down the make up and getting "all dolled up," most guys I know prefer the natural look...also shows you're secure within yourself and comfortable in your own skin. Literally!

 

I would bet if you did that...many more guys would become attracted to you and want to continue getting to know you..

[sagamore]

You're very pretty! I agree with the poster above who advised you to lighten up on the makeup and think about a more mainstream hair style. You don't need all that "trimming." I mean, if that's your personal style and you're doing it for YOU, great! But if you're looking to appeal to the most men possible, I would go the natural route.

 

Also, you didn't necessarily ask this, but: the way to be most attractive to a man is to be happy with who you are. Keep working on yourself and your self-esteem, and you'll win no matter what.

[todreaminblue]

its ok to be goofy......i think if you take yourself really seriously you can come across as aloof......or reserved..

 

 

 

 

.i know this because when i feel insecure...i am aloof.....reserved......how i get people to approach me ...is i dont have to try at all...i smile and i mean it......

 

 

 

people approach me.... i dont have a preference on who i talk to....i talk to anyone who comes up......and sometimes i even approach myself...with an open smile and normally a question....because that is how people approach me normally ...some form of question and then i let the conversation flow ....if its short i accept that..short and sweet is as good as long and intricate...i am able to talk to people because i am interested in who they are and i get to know them....my shyness my introverted nature pales a bit if i feel interest returned...and normally it is...guys approach because i give them the signal to approach.....a warm smile a wink... a wave if its from across the room...i make myself approachable with my body language and most importantly my face........and it works.......deb

[Buddhist]

I've never had any guys approach me first. Doesn't bother me at all. You're just not typical eye candy stuff that's all. I still get partners but I have to do the approaching. If they're being rude to you then move on and approach someone else.

[Bonasera]

Hello,

I was wondering, you said you liked to get all dolled up and you like to approach the men first. Are you getting too dressed up for whatever the party is? Are you both approaching and asking too many questions? It might be too forward for some guys and come across as trying too hard.

 

I would suggest just having fun where you are at. Be aware of your surrounding. You will see who is noticing you. When you catch the eye of someone noticing you who you might be interested in, smile at them, hold his glance for a second and then look away and continue having fun. If he is interested he will probably try to approach you, or you might try the smile thing one more time before he does.

 

If he approaches just talk to him but don't dominate the conversation. If he walks away, he may approach again later...just keep having fun.

[barcode88]

OP it depends on how you come across too. If they feel like you're bitchy or have your walls up, most guys will just ignore you.

[Leigh 87]

You look pretty in your avatar.

 

I think darker hair would look stunning, personally. I don't like the dark ends and light roots deal.

 

You have lovely lips and eyes and I feel a plain, dark colour hair shade would soften your look up for sure.....

[lolablue17]

Most guys like girls who dare to make the first move. So if i believe you when you say you look fine, and you talk fine and natural, my conclusion is that your statistic isn't large enough.

 

How many guys has rejected you? 2? 4? 10? It's probably bad luck. You probably picked the wrong guys to turn to. I repeat - Guys like girls who have the guts to make a pass. Even a guy who wont find you attractive he will like you as a friend because most girl doesn't approach guys. So, girls like you are hard to find. you're 1 of 10.

 

So, just continue with that and if it doesn't work have a friend watching you in action and tell you what is the problem, because then you must be doing something wrong. (assuming you're not a monster)

Edited February 21, 2015 by lolablue17

[Ashley S]

I agree with the little bit of make-up advice. A lot of guys want to know that you aren't so high maintenance and they also want to know what you're going to look like after a romantic weekend in bed.

 

Do you put on a full face of make-up before you even run out on a quick errand?

 

You're a pretty girl. If you can be comfortable just being you other people will be comfortable around you too. But you have to go first.

 

No, I don't put on full face makeup all the time. It's only on occasions, like when I go out on the weekends, I wear eyeliner and lipstick. When I go to school I just wear Mascara. Thank you so much for the compliment! I appreciate it a lot

[Ashley S]

Are you the girl in the photo in your post? If so, you are an attractive girl. You say you wear lots of leather. If you're the girl in the photo, you also wear lots of makeup and have extreme streaked hair. Now, I used to do the same thing, and yes, it can be intimidating to a lot of guys. I was a rocker chick hanging out in rocker crowds, but I was still intimidating, and I've been told as much. Now, I was more than happy to ward off some of the more easily frightened men, but once in awhile it was too much for someone I might have liked, and certainly for the world at large who didn't understand the subculture.

 

I love that you're going up and talking to people. That's the best way to be. Don't change that. My suggestion is if you are mostly wearing leather and also doing extreme hair like in your photo and also doing extreme makeup, that's too much extreme. You can get the message across by doing any one of those things and letting that accentuate rather than shout. Even though you're approaching guys, for them to see you as more approachable, you have to unharden your look some by not doing all three things at once. I like your hair, I like your makeup, I would probably like your clothes, but all three together is screaming "I'm trying too hard" and then the end of the sentence will be up to the interpreter "to be sexy," "to look tough," "to look hip." Trying too hard isn't good.

 

All this is a waste of time if that isn't even your photo, but that's all I've got to go by. If you wear a leather jacket, wear a ruffled blouse underneath it. And don't wear that jacket all the time. Take it off. It's not your uniform.

 

If your boots are thigh-high, well, I love those and once dated a guy who wore lime green ones, but it's considered hoochie these days by the larger population. I was in Kohl's around Christmas and a woman about 30 walked by with what I thought were cool over-the-knee boots and the two younger women behind me started saying what a slut she looked like.

 

But you'll see them in fashion magazines paired with a really sophisticated tweed pant or mod tweed jacket, and they look the height of fashion. Don't pair hoochie with more hoochie. Pair it with sophistication. And I would say all that goes for knee boots as well, if they're high-heeled OR studded or masculine in any way.

 

If you do big red lips and lots of eye makeup, you don't need to top it off with extreme hair. If you do extreme hair, you need to do more natural makeup. Makeup experts will all tell you not to even do dramatic eyes at the same time with dramatic lips, so take it down a notch with that as well. I saw some survey a couple years ago about whether men like red lipstick. Most of them did not and thought it was too much, and then of course a few think it's the sexiest thing ever. Don't wear it all the time. Wear a flat wine color or whatever your lip tone is at least mostly for day, or a light gloss. Do more variety. Don't let any one thing become your uniform, because that can make you look rigid and inflexible.

 

Having big black eyeliner every day and night can make you look scary and severe. These days there are many different ways to create a great eye without the heavy black everywhere. Go to Mac and get them to do your face. They only charge for it if it's an appointment, I think. You can walk in and look at makeup and see if they'll show you. Big department stores often have makeup artists. I was lucky because way back in the late sixties when I was in high school, my mom had the foresight to take me to little store that only sold one brand cosmetic and have them teach me how to do a natural face. Now, I was more dramatic than that, but those skills came in handy the rest of my life. Nowadays you can get all those tips on YouTube or on TLC channel as well. So lots of good resources.

 

Don't "heavy" up your outfit, wearing nothing but clunky belts, clunky metal jewelry. One piece at a time sends the message. More than one is trying too hard and saying "me, me, me." Take some off. Be sure you never have all "hard" clothing on. Be sure you have one piece that screams femininity, whether it's a chiffon skirt or a printed blouse or even just a nice v-neck over jeans with a cute heeled open-toed shoe.

 

You won't sacrifice your personal style by just taking 50 percent off what you feels speaks volumes about one aspect of you and replacing it with something that speaks to the more basic you, the woman. Your individuality will be obvious even if it's only in the details and isn't just all up front shouting.

 

And just for an experiment, the next party you go to, leave all your "signature" style behind and just do a conventional female mannequin for the night with none of the trappings, just to see the different type people who will find you more approachable. I'm not saying stick with that, because you should express yourself, but it's an interesting experiment. I used to wear a lot of black and in my 30s, on a whim I bought something trendy that was all white and ruffles and flouncey and wore it to promotional party, and people kept coming up saying they didn't even know it was me. And one attractive guy (who I nonetheless didn't like because I knew he cheats on his wife) was approaching me to hit on me (he admitted it) and didn't recognize me until he was right up to me, and he actually told me that. It's just a fun experiment. It wasn't me, but it was clear that a lot more people found me approachable, mostly cheating husbands.

 

Yes it is me in the picture. I actually have a album of pictures on here that you can look at. I don't wear lipstick and full makeup every day, just on occasions, as you can see on my other pictures I am only wearing lip gloss and mascara, or just eyeliner. That is so cool you were a rocker chick! I love that I am one too! I love leather, and I love the thigh high boots with ripped jeans lol. You have incredible advice, and are incredibly sweet. Thank you so much!!!

[Ashley S]

You're very pretty! I agree with the poster above who advised you to lighten up on the makeup and think about a more mainstream hair style. You don't need all that "trimming." I mean, if that's your personal style and you're doing it for YOU, great! But if you're looking to appeal to the most men possible, I would go the natural route.

 

Also, you didn't necessarily ask this, but: the way to be most attractive to a man is to be happy with who you are. Keep working on yourself and your self-esteem, and you'll win no matter what.

 

Thank you! Yeah everything I do is for me. I love lipstick and makeup because I like it. I don't do it for anybody else. I only wear full makeup though on occasions, like parties, and other occasions. Most of the time it's just mascara lip gloss, or just eyeliner. You can look through my pics and see what I mean. I have an album of pic on here. Thanks though! xoxo

[barcode88]

OP , you're cute Not sure why guys won't approach you.

 

 

Agree with Leigh on the hair though.

[Ashley S]

Hello,

I was wondering, you said you liked to get all dolled up and you like to approach the men first. Are you getting too dressed up for whatever the party is? Are you both approaching and asking too many questions? It might be too forward for some guys and come across as trying too hard.

 

I would suggest just having fun where you are at. Be aware of your surrounding. You will see who is noticing you. When you catch the eye of someone noticing you who you might be interested in, smile at them, hold his glance for a second and then look away and continue having fun. If he is interested he will probably try to approach you, or you might try the smile thing one more time before he does.

 

If he approaches just talk to him but don't dominate the conversation. If he walks away, he may approach again later...just keep having fun.

 

I don't really say anything that screams I am trying too hard though. I am neutral, like for an example this guy said he was in a band, and I said "What kind of band?" He said "Metal band" I said "Oh nice!" And we had a little conversation about his band and how he's the lead singer and what not, I joked around and said "I need an autograph" he laughed said a few more words then just up and left abruptly. It made me feel insecure, like "What did I say?" "I must look really ugly!" etc. It didn't ruin my night, but when I was talking to other people, and they were doing the same thing, it then started to ruin my night. I have normal conversations I don't push myself onto people. I see what you mean though. Thanks!

[Leigh 87]

I have two recent pictures in my album - I also have full lips and the eyes - and guys prefer it if you are soft and feminine rather than looking too severe...

 

If you have harsh features like we do, be it lips and eyes, or some other combo that stands out, things like leather jackets and boots and/or streaked hair can look a bit too much if it is all going on at once! - a bit too severe, not very soft and feminine.

 

I wear soft shades of white, cream, light pink, light blue or black but with a feminine design (some lace, flowing, soft and clinched at the waist).

 

If I have red lips, which I love, I only wear light mascara.

 

If I want to really make my eyes pop (I have very long lashed), I lather on the mascara, put a LITTLE eyeliner, and wear a light shade of lipstick or gloss.....

 

I avoid leather bar a jacket if it is cold on the occasion. It can be intimidating especially if you have striking features and coloured hair.

 

I really think a nice brown hair colour would look stunning on you and better compliment your features.

[preraph]

I don't really say anything that screams I am trying too hard though. I am neutral, like for an example this guy said he was in a band, and I said "What kind of band?" He said "Metal band" I said "Oh nice!" And we had a little conversation about his band and how he's the lead singer and what not, I joked around and said "I need an autograph" he laughed said a few more words then just up and left abruptly. It made me feel insecure, like "What did I say?" "I must look really ugly!" etc. It didn't ruin my night, but when I was talking to other people, and they were doing the same thing, it then started to ruin my night. I have normal conversations I don't push myself onto people. I see what you mean though. Thanks!

 

Don't take what that band guy did too personally. Band guys seem to always have a firecracker up their butt that can go off and propel them away at any time. Lots of irons in the fire. He probably got a "look" from either a bandmate or a girlfriend.