I hate not "feeling" anything...

[Inflikted]

As far back as I can remember, I've never been able to "feel" anything for someone. I never connect with anyone, I'm always indifferent to every person I encounter. I've never had friends, never dated. It's just never something that happens, for me.

 

Well, let me put an asterisk next to that. I did "feel" something for someone a few years ago, and although they wanted nothing to do with me in the end, just "feeling" something for someone made me feel so alive and happy and upbeat. I felt good just having "feelings" for another person.

 

But it drives me crazy, to be a 26 year old guy, to be so alone and disconnected from everyone. To never get to know what it's like to go out with friends, to never get to know what it's like to have a significant other to be romantic with. It kills me inside, and it's brought me down more and more over all this time.

 

I find myself constantly feeling frustrated and miserable, because no matter how much I want to, I just... feel nothing for no one. It doesn't matter if I meet more people, it doesn't matter if I go somewhere new or try some new activity. I just don't connect with anyone. Truth be told, I miss what it felt like to "feel" something for someone. Even after all this time, I continue to dwell on "the one that got away" (er, rather, "the one that didn't want me"), simply because of how good it felt to "feel".

 

It's getting harder and harder to deal with this misery and this frustration. I don't know what to do with myself, anymore. Nothing even really distracts me or gets my mind off of any of it, really.

[CrystalShine2011]

Hmm. What a tough situation, I feel for you.

 

Not to be too forward, but did something happen to make you feel emotionally disconnected? Because that's what happened to me. The way I got out of my "slump" was try new things, meet new people (like you are) and to travel.

[Inflikted]

Nothing specifically, that I'm aware of. I mean, I'm sure my upbringing has a hand in it; neither of my parents ever had any kind of social life, and they really never even did anything with each other. Neither of them really "taught" me how to be social or anything like that.

 

Still, I don't think that necessarily explains why I don't really "feel" anything for people in general.

[neowulf]

Hi OP.

 

I feel for you. That's got to be a frustrating way to live.

 

I'm not a doctor, but perhaps this article might be worth a read.

Emotional detachment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Inflikted]

Hi OP.

 

I feel for you. That's got to be a frustrating way to live.

 

I'm not a doctor, but perhaps this article might be worth a read.

 

Yeah, I mean, I guess I can see bits and pieces of myself in that. For me, it's not really that I don't TRY to connect. Perhaps I don't try as much as a more extroverted person, but I try to let my personality and my sense of humor, and whatnot, shine through when I can, but it just never seems to really matter, in the grand scheme of things.

 

Internally, I almost feel like I simply never learned how to have friends or date or anything like that, and that I feel like I have some type of learning disorder for this one "skill" in particular. Imagine, for example, if someone never learned to read as a child, and despite it not actually being a difficult thing to learn, they just never grasped the concept well into their adulthood. That's sort of how I feel. I've never been able to learn how to do this basic human thing; and it's a thing that a vast majority of people learn fairly young and have no real issues with throughout the remainder of their lives. Yet, here I am, almost 30, and I just can't wrap my head around having connections with people.

 

To me, it all just feels so foreign. Most of the time, I feel like I've been dropped off in some foreign country where I don't speak the language and have no idea how to properly communicate with anyone around me. Like I said, I try to let my personality shine through to people when I can, but it just doesn't seem to mean anything in the end.

 

I've encountered a few situations in which I thought I was making progress with people and finally having something in my life. Each time, it went exactly the same way; people seemed to like me and be inclusive towards me initially, then after a few weeks, it started to feel like they were forgetting I even existed, and then communications pretty much died out entirely. That's the closest I ever come to having any semblance of a social life.

[preraph]

You said your parents didn't teach you to be social, but were they loving toward one another or toward you? Because usually that's all it takes to know how to be loving and feel things. I think you should see a therapist about this and just try to find out why you're like that. There are people who have trouble connecting to their feelings. You should explore it with a therapist and see if you get any insight that might lead to opening up more. And do just keep trying to connect with people. You know what they say, fake it to make it. You might surprise yourself.

[Inflikted]

You said your parents didn't teach you to be social, but were they loving toward one another or toward you? Because usually that's all it takes to know how to be loving and feel things.

 

It's... complicated. I know now that my mom doesn't love my dad, nor does she even like him (I suspect that she only married him because of getting pregnant with me), and looking back, I feel like that makes a lot more sense now to past memories. My dad, well, he reminds me a lot of me in that he seems very socially awkward, doesn't have a social life, and I think while he's incredibly hurt about the way my mom acts towards him, he deals with it, because it's all he's got.

 

As for me, well, if anything, my mom probably "loved" me too much. She coddled me quite a bit, but kept me on a tight leash, and brainwashed me a bit to be wary of people. In her twisted view, I was the only "friend" she had, and she's always been desperate to keep me at her side. I don't doubt that my dad loves me, but again, he's socially awkward, like me, and I don't think either of us ever really knew how to express that to each other. I think, to some extent, he knows how much my mom brainwashed me, and I think a part of him thinks I might be more attached to her than him, which really isn't true.

[preraph]

Well, that kind of makes sense. Your dad would be your biggest role model, and he wasn't a good one because of being socially awkward. Your mom it almost sounds like she was codependent on you to fill the void, but at least she was loving. You just have no "training" on how to cope as a man with a woman who loves you because you didn't really see it growing up. You only got to see a kind of detached relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't find someone. It may just take time. You may find you have to make extra effort to make yourself be socially acceptable and get out of your comfort zone to please a woman rather often, but with practice (and the reward of a woman's love that will bring), some of it will become easier for you with time. Good luck. Do get help if you feel you really can't find a way to climb out of the funk.

[Inflikted]

Well, that kind of makes sense. Your dad would be your biggest role model, and he wasn't a good one because of being socially awkward. Your mom it almost sounds like she was codependent on you to fill the void, but at least she was loving. You just have no "training" on how to cope as a man with a woman who loves you because you didn't really see it growing up. You only got to see a kind of detached relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't find someone. It may just take time. You may find you have to make extra effort to make yourself be socially acceptable and get out of your comfort zone to please a woman rather often, but with practice (and the reward of a woman's love that will bring), some of it will become easier for you with time. Good luck. Do get help if you feel you really can't find a way to climb out of the funk.

 

I think perhaps I might not have expressed this properly, but my parents' relationship is more along the lines of my mother being emotionally abusive and my dad just taking it and accepting it because he feels he has no other options. My mother is quite a vile and self-absorbed person. She doesn't know I know this, but I know she's been trying really hard to have affairs with old boyfriends over the last several years, even. I've even overheard some phone conversations she's had with said exes in which I've heard that she's had cyber sex with a number of them.

 

As far as I can surmise, my dad has never dated anyone before getting together with my mom. He's not a bad guy, by any means. He doesn't withhold affection or neglect anything like that (neither do I), he just doesn't really seem to know any better than I do how to make and maintain friendships, and evidently, how to date. I don't know that he knows the extent of what my mother does behind his back, but I can tell he has suspicions about her, and I can tell it hurts him deeply when she says terrible things to him. But I think in his mind, this is as good as it gets. As much as she hurts him, I don't think he feels like he has any other options, and I don't think he could handle actually separating from her and trying to have a better life.

 

To be honest, I'm terrified I'll end up in that same situation. That's not a fear that actually holds me back from trying to connect with people, but in the back of my head, I feel like, if I ever end up with someone, it's going to be a woman who doesn't really care for me, someone who makes me feel bad about myself, someone who probably cheats on me, and I'll just take all the abuse, because in my mind, it will be better than having no one at all.

 

If I'm going to have people in my life, whether platonically or romantically, I want them to be people I like and care about. I don't want to have people who are "better than nothing", who might take advantage of me and/ or hurt me. But no matter where I look, no matter what or how I try to connect with people, I just... can't seem to make connections. And that makes me deeply sad. To never get to bond with people, connect with people, to know friendship, to know romance, to know intimacy, to never get to have any of that, it just makes my heart ache.

[preraph]

Oh, thanks for the clarification. Wow, well, it's no wonder you're a bit paralyzed, is it? You know, when you learn things as a child, they are hard-wired. It is actually part of your brain. If you'd learned it all later, it wouldn't have had as much impact. But these are the two types of people you now have modeled after and are familiar with and the only skills you have are in dealing with these types of people.

 

 

You truly are going to have to try to go to therapy and try to undo some of the damage that's been done and shed as much of the learned behavior as possible so that you can build a healthier you. It's little wonder you are having so many problems with this, though. You need to be aware that the danger of the familiarity is that you may attract one or the other type to you because it will seem familiar to you.

[Inflikted]

Can you ever really get away from all of that, though? I mean, therapy or not, it's not going to change what I've seen, it's not going to change what I know, it's not going to change what I feel about all of that stuff. At the end of the day, all of that stays the same.

 

All of this is still going to be a part of me one way or another, and I'm still going to be prone to falling into negative relationships with people.

[neowulf]

Can you ever really get away from all of that, though? I mean, therapy or not, it's not going to change what I've seen, it's not going to change what I know, it's not going to change what I feel about all of that stuff. At the end of the day, all of that stays the same.

 

All of this is still going to be a part of me one way or another, and I'm still going to be prone to falling into negative relationships with people.

 

You're right. Our scars and our past are always a part of us.

 

However, through practice and application of will, you can learn to manage the impact of your experiences.

 

You can learn to view your past from a different perspective. You can risk more, trust more. It's hard, scary. But it can be done.

 

If you want to have the kind of relationships your talking about, there's no other way forward. You can't simply will yourself to have connection, when so much of your subconscious is working against you.

 

There's only so far advice from randoms on the internet can take you. You sound like you really could benefit from counselling.

 

If you're looking for something a little more practical, perhaps look for something that will push you out of your comfort zone. Put you in situations where you must learn to trust those around you.

[Inflikted]

What if "professional help" isn't really an option?

[neowulf]

What if "professional help" isn't really an option?

 

Is it a cost, location thing?

 

Do you have access to medical care? Perhaps talking to a doctor about these feelings could the first step.

 

You're of course welcome to continue to post here man. We're happy to offer you what ever advice we can. We're just not going to provide you the level of care or insight you need to improve things.

[Inflikted]

Is it a cost, location thing?

 

Do you have access to medical care? Perhaps talking to a doctor about these feelings could the first step.

 

I dunno, I guess a bit of both? Honestly, I'm a bit biased against "professional help", personally. I did break down and try going to a session around 16 months ago, but it just didn't work out.

 

The biggest thing was that I was told beforehand that my medical benefits from my job would cover all the costs and I wouldn't have to worry about that, but then afterwards, I found out that my benefits would not cover it, and I had to pay the bill out of my pocket for the session. Unfortunately, I don't have the income to be able to get consistent enough "professional help". I get minimum wage, and I work part time. That one session cost me double what I make in a single week's paycheck.

 

Not to mention, it seemed like I had some trouble locating local "professionals", to begin with. The one I ended up going to was like a 45 minute drive just to get there. I don't feel I have the time or the desire to spend 90 minutes driving back and forth and another hour or so on the session itself. I really didn't like the professional I met with, either. I really don't want to bounce around to different professionals, spending a bunch of money on sessions, just trying to find one I "click" with, or whatever.

[preraph]

Can you ever really get away from all of that, though? I mean, therapy or not, it's not going to change what I've seen, it's not going to change what I know, it's not going to change what I feel about all of that stuff. At the end of the day, all of that stays the same.

 

All of this is still going to be a part of me one way or another, and I'm still going to be prone to falling into negative relationships with people.

 

It will help you air it out. It will help you review your life and kind of see where certain patterns started and why. It won't change you overnight, but it will give you insight. You can start asking yourself, now did I just behave that way because I learned to cope with my father that way when young, and that type thing, and then work on breaking patterns. Just talking it all out can really unburden you and make you stronger. Your life is in your own hands now, and it's important to remove all the claptrap from the past and shed that and see what's left that you can build on. It's best to do that in a guided way, through therapy.

 

It is sometimes hard to find the right one. You have to find one you're comfortable with. I know it's expensive. That is a sad fact. I hope you can work something out for your insurance to pay for most of it. Look into getting a rider to cover it if that's possible.

Edited February 21, 2015 by preraph

[Inflikted]

Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I'm not trying to brush the idea of therapy off. It just feels like so much work to not only try to find a way to pay for it, but to also bounce around and find the "right" therapist, and whatnot. Not to mention, who knows how long it would take for me to start seeing any results from it, if ever?

 

I'm already self-aware enough to know about a lot of the issues I have, and I feel like I understand why I'm the way I am, and whatnot. I just want to be "fixed". But nobody, not a therapist, can "fix" me. Whether I go to a therapist or not, the only one that can "fix" me is me. And I understand that. But either way, I don't think I can "fix" me.

 

Even if I do go to therapy, the only best case scenario I see is that it becomes a "crutch" to me, and I continue going for my entire life just because, while I make no actual progress.

 

There's a sort of "family friend" I'm aware of, that my parents have known for several years, and neither of them like this person because he's a bit obnoxious, but my mom feels sorry for him because he's also somewhat mentally handicapped. And this guy, he's been going to therapy for much of his life, still goes, constantly goes places and tries to meet people, and yet, in his late 50s, he has no friends and, from what I can tell, has never been with a woman in any capacity. I know this sounds mean and all, but despite his efforts, I'm fairly positive he's going to die alone.

 

And that's something that scares me. That's how I envision my future. He's gone to therapy for decades, he tries to get out and meet people, and it just doesn't matter. I don't want to go down that same path. But I'm extremely predictable. I know how I'd react to things, I know what I'd do in certain circumstances. I know this is the same future I'd end up at.

[neowulf]

Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I'm not trying to brush the idea of therapy off. It just feels like so much work to not only try to find a way to pay for it, but to also bounce around and find the "right" therapist, and whatnot. Not to mention, who knows how long it would take for me to start seeing any results from it, if ever?

 

I'm already self-aware enough to know about a lot of the issues I have, and I feel like I understand why I'm the way I am, and whatnot. I just want to be "fixed". But nobody, not a therapist, can "fix" me. Whether I go to a therapist or not, the only one that can "fix" me is me. And I understand that. But either way, I don't think I can "fix" me.

 

Even if I do go to therapy, the only best case scenario I see is that it becomes a "crutch" to me, and I continue going for my entire life just because, while I make no actual progress.

 

 

And that's something that scares me. That's how I envision my future. He's gone to therapy for decades, he tries to get out and meet people, and it just doesn't matter. I don't want to go down that same path. But I'm extremely predictable. I know how I'd react to things, I know what I'd do in certain circumstances. I know this is the same future I'd end up at.

 

I completely hear you. I've struggled with chronic depression most of my life. It's a physical illness that I've simply had to learn to manage. There is no cure for me. Just techniques & medication to bring it back to a level I can live with. That is just my lot in life.

 

The real purpose of therapy is two fold. Firstly, it gives you perspective outside of yourself. A second set of eyes to test your assumptions about things. Just because you view an event a particular way, doesn't mean it's the only way to view it.

 

Secondly, a good therapist will try and give you the tools to better manage your situation. The truth is man, you've been damaged. It's not news to you. It's not your fault. But there it is. You're never really going to be "fixed" in the sense of being completely healed. I know that sucks to hear, but I think you already know that deep down.

 

What I promise is once you let go of the idea of "being 100% fixed", you can begin the journey of repair. You can take that first step forward. Life changing modifications to behaviour often take months or years. But if you never start, then you'll never improve. If you improve just 1% a week... in a year you've seen a 52% improvement.

 

That's really what we're getting at. It's a long road to finding peace with yourself. You can start that journey today, read, find resources and tools to help you. Or you can hold off starting and waste more time.

 

I feel for you man, because I struggled for years before I got the help / treatment I needed. It cost me friendships, lovers. It was a ****ty way to live. Don't let that be you if you can help it.

[Inflikted]

Right, and I get what you're saying. But I guess the way I see it is that none of it matters one way or the other. Like I said, that situation of the family friend I described shows me that someone can get professional help and try to meet people for decades, and yet it won't end up mattering. If that can happen to him, that can also happen to me. So yes, while choosing NOT to get help may end up being just as detrimental, what difference does it really make? Getting professional help or not getting professional help, the outcome is likely to be the same no matter what. So what's the point?

 

The way I see it, none of that really matters. It all comes down to luck, and/ or being in the "right place at the right time". Whether I get professional help or not, it won't matter unless I have that "luck" on my side. If things in my life started turning around, if I could find a good job, if I could meet people I actually connect with, I think that kind of thing could turn my whole life around. But it's completely out of my power. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do.

 

And unfortunately, "luck" has never been on my side. I've never been in the right place at the right time, I've never been good enough for anything or anyone. I'm more or less a complete waste of life. The way I see it, professional help offers no real incentive, because I could very well end up seeking it for the remainder of my life while not actually making and progress in having the things I want in life.

[kendahke]

To be honest, I'm terrified I'll end up in that same situation. That's not a fear that actually holds me back from trying to connect with people, but in the back of my head, I feel like, if I ever end up with someone, it's going to be a woman who doesn't really care for me, someone who makes me feel bad about myself, someone who probably cheats on me, and I'll just take all the abuse, because in my mind, it will be better than having no one at all.

 

If I'm going to have people in my life, whether platonically or romantically, I want them to be people I like and care about. I don't want to have people who are "better than nothing", who might take advantage of me and/ or hurt me. But no matter where I look, no matter what or how I try to connect with people, I just... can't seem to make connections. And that makes me deeply sad. To never get to bond with people, connect with people, to know friendship, to know romance, to know intimacy, to never get to have any of that, it just makes my heart ache.

 

I think you're doing better than you think because you are at least aware of these things and are trying to find a solution--you're not sitting back and accepting it like your dad has resigned himself to do.

 

However, just like finding someone with whom you will click with, therapists are pretty much the same. You have to get a feel for them to figure out which one can do you the most good. You really can't afford to be lazy on this point, if you want to vanquish this problem--else you will end up like your dad or you'll end up alone. This isn't an "I'll just go walk if off" kind of thing.

[kendahke]

Right, and I get what you're saying. But I guess the way I see it is that none of it matters one way or the other. Like I said, that situation of the family friend I described shows me that someone can get professional help and try to meet people for decades, and yet it won't end up mattering. If that can happen to him, that can also happen to me. So yes, while choosing NOT to get help may end up being just as detrimental, what difference does it really make? Getting professional help or not getting professional help, the outcome is likely to be the same no matter what. So what's the point?

 

No, that's not necessarily true. The willingness to want to improve your situation plays a huge part in the success of the therapy. Understanding that sometimes you have to take 2 steps back in order to go 5 steps forward will help you a whole lot when it comes to therapy. This isn't something that's going to be resolved in 3 visits. You've got years of your mother's nastiness and your father's complacency that you need to shed.

 

There are a whole lot of other variables in play with that person that do not pertain to you which have also played into why they find themselves where they find themselves. You cannot compare their struggle to yours because it's really not the same thing. Getting help will help you to stop estimating this as an insurmountable problem.

 

The way I see it, none of that really matters. It all comes down to luck, and/ or being in the "right place at the right time". Whether I get professional help or not, it won't matter unless I have that "luck" on my side. If things in my life started turning around, if I could find a good job, if I could meet people I actually connect with, I think that kind of thing could turn my whole life around. But it's completely out of my power. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do. And unfortunately, "luck" has never been on my side. I've never been in the right place at the right time, I've never been good enough for anything or anyone. I'm more or less a complete waste of life. The way I see it, professional help offers no real incentive, because I could very well end up seeking it for the remainder of my life while not actually making and progress in having the things I want in life.

 

No. Luck has nothing to do with it. That's a cop out and you're shirking your responsibility to yourself by thinking that. It's hard work starting at square one. It's a lot of heavy lifting. Either you put your neck in the yoke and pull or you don't. But don't play the okey doke with us. Just say "I'm happy where I am. I don't want to do any heavy lifting in order to remove emotional obstacles in my life that are keeping me from that which I say I want because I'm really not worth me making that kind of effort". Own that if that's really what you are saying. If you think you're not worth it, then you're teaching others the same thing and they will follow suit.

 

No one is a complete waste of life. No, your mom really messed both you and your dad up; and your dad has chosen to not put his neck in the yoke and do the heavy pulling to get out from under her and find another woman who would treat him with way more respect. That doesn't mean that you have no options here. Break that cycle so that you do not attract the same kind of woman to you.

 

It also might be a good idea to look into moving out of their house.

[kendahke]

as far as the therapist is concerned, I just found this online:

Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

 

I would suggest that you interview potential therapists, looking for a good fit, so that you will feel more comfortable this time. If that isn’t possible to do in person, at least ask for a preliminary phone consultation, check out therapy profiles and websites or ask for a recommendation from someone you trust, such as your doctor or school counselor. The more comfortable you are with the therapist, the more likely it is that it will be successful. However, keep in mind that it takes time to build trust and rapport and the therapist can only work with the information you give them, so force yourself to be extremely honest.

[Inflikted]

I think you're doing better than you think because you are at least aware of these things and are trying to find a solution--you're not sitting back and accepting it like your dad has resigned himself to do.

 

I guess. I kind of hate being "aware" of it, though, because all that means is that I'm constantly thinking about all these things and feeling powerless. In a way, I'd almost rather be "blissfully ignorant", so that I could trot along with my life and be okay.

 

No, that's not necessarily true. The willingness to want to improve your situation plays a huge part in the success of the therapy. Understanding that sometimes you have to take 2 steps back in order to go 5 steps forward will help you a whole lot when it comes to therapy. This isn't something that's going to be resolved in 3 visits. You've got years of your mother's nastiness and your father's complacency that you need to shed.

 

There are a whole lot of other variables in play with that person that do not pertain to you which have also played into why they find themselves where they find themselves. You cannot compare their struggle to yours because it's really not the same thing. Getting help will help you to stop estimating this as an insurmountable problem.

 

 

 

No. Luck has nothing to do with it. That's a cop out and you're shirking your responsibility to yourself by thinking that. It's hard work starting at square one. It's a lot of heavy lifting. Either you put your neck in the yoke and pull or you don't. But don't play the okey doke with us. Just say "I'm happy where I am. I don't want to do any heavy lifting in order to remove emotional obstacles in my life that are keeping me from that which I say I want because I'm really not worth me making that kind of effort". Own that if that's really what you are saying. If you think you're not worth it, then you're teaching others the same thing and they will follow suit.

 

No one is a complete waste of life. No, your mom really messed both you and your dad up; and your dad has chosen to not put his neck in the yoke and do the heavy pulling to get out from under her and find another woman who would treat him with way more respect. That doesn't mean that you have no options here. Break that cycle so that you do not attract the same kind of woman to you.

 

It also might be a good idea to look into moving out of their house.

 

Well, that's why I used the quotations around "luck"; I don't necessarily believe in "luck" in the traditional sense. But I do think there is a lot of "right place, right time" involved in life.

 

Anyway, I don't mean to "make excuses". At the same time, it's not really about "not wanting to do the work". Rather, I just feel like none of it matters, like nothing will work. Like I said, I know myself enough to know how I will react and how I'd handle situations, and I know that I just couldn't approach therapy with the right mindset.

 

I just absolutely don't believe in... well, anything, I guess.

[fitnessfan365]

You may want to see a psychologist and get tested to see if you're a sociopath. Sociopaths can't relate to people, feel empathy or any other sort of natural emotion.

[Inflikted]

You may want to see a psychologist and get tested to see if you're a sociopath. Sociopaths can't relate to people, feel empathy or any other sort of natural emotion.

 

Is such a test necessary? It seems like a foregone conclusion that I'm a sociopath. The question is, what does that mean for me, exactly? How does a sociopath manage to live a normal life?