Aromantic or self sabotage or what

[shet]

I'm "dating" a woman I've known for about 4 months right now. The quotes are because we set dates and activities and we go out one on one, twice a week or more right now, but it doesn't seem exactly romantic - we'll go for long walks on the seafront but won't link arms, we'll go iceskating and hold hands (because I'm **** at it) and go for hot chocolate after but it just doesn't feel "like that". I've made some gentle gestures in that direction and not had them returned (possibly I'm just bad at it), and I cherish the growing friendship too much to push it - if it weren't for her my Xmas and New Year would have been dull and awful with family, she's been there while much older friends aren't.

 

What I've begun to realise though is that this is the closest I've been to a romantic relationship in a very long time, and unfortunately I've actually found myself feeling quite cold about it. I've begun feeling like I see too much of her, even though this hasn't even been going on a month. I relish getting back on my own. Large portions of her life that she's opened to me leave me feeling alienated - she's far more accomplished and active than I and I tire of her stories about travelling, or her dancing and singing and instrumental skills, or the fact that she's experienced and adept at every physical activity, her large circle of friends, her restlessness, her spirituality, it goes on. These things were attractive qualities earlier on, and should be, but I just can't see them as such any more because as I experience and grasp them better they've just become big differences between us that make me feel poorly suited to her. I'm at the point now where I don't know why she wants to spend such time with me instead of other people she knows. Some of the guys she knows are handsome and personable, and certainly some of the women must be better company than I.

 

Furthermore, I'm now beginning to question whether I'm aromantic or asexual, or both. I see her as a friend more than a romantic prospect now, without any great reason except my own mind. The kicker is, this is all exactly what happened the last time I grew close to a woman some 6 years ago. She outright asked me to date her and I drew back in fright, and despite her never changing how she felt, I spent 3 years deliberately restricting to a platonic relationship with her long after I could no longer honestly say to myself there was any obstacle. And in fact when I dwell on it there are examples prior to that, and going back through teens even to childhood. Thinking on this has cast a lot of fresh light on experiences in my life.

 

I'm wondering if I may have managed to reach the age of 31 without knowing who I actually am. I don't even know why I posted this.

[Danda]

Well first, the introspection you're doing is awesome, props for that.

 

Second, with all of the pressure to conform in many ways from our societies, it's not at all rare (and it makes total sense) when people have self-epiphanies past the age of 20.

 

Third, asexuality comes in many forms. Some asexuals love to masturbate and love the idea of having sex, but then don't feel any real drive to do so when opportunity presents itself on a silver platter. Some asexuals harbor romantic feelings but no desire for sex.

 

Some people furthermore are mild Schizoids who enjoy a great deal of fantasy sexually, and some can even enjoy pure sex with another human, but they never or rarely develop romantic attraction or the drive to pursue (and yet many still feel lonely sometimes).

 

This is a pretty good self-help article I found a while back for a friend of mine who was struggling through similar confusion:

 

Am I Gay? A Guide for People who Question their Sexual Orientation

 

What I like about it are that it emphasizes 3 important things:

1. Lust and Romance are Two DIFFERENT Things that are often combined but not always

2. People often come in spectrums

3. Labels are not important, nor is figuring yourself out once and for all, but rather being able to be honest with yourself about your feelings/desires in any given moment is what matters

 

Whatever you are and however you feel and whatever you want, it's not right or wrong, but it's awesome that you're giving yourself this time and attention to figure out what you need.

 

EDIT to Add: Ignore the title of the article, I'm not asking you if you're gay lol. It's just an interesting little guide on thinking about your sexuality.

[shet]

Thanks. I have actually questioned whether I'm gay before and mostly dismissed it - I'm not attracted to men, at least those identifying as men, and regardless of how much easier I find men generally, not being turned on by them pretty much puts an end to that idea.

 

I've gone through your link, and while helpful in a sense, honestly I don't have sufficient sexual or physically intimate experience to apply to my understanding, which seems like a crucial part. What little I have had would be unfair to draw from.

 

I see the woman tomorrow. Most of the day. I do like her very much. I just don't know if I would feel more romantically inclined, like I used to, if she was more forthcoming herself, or if what I feel is basically subconscious sour grapes. Sometimes I feel like I've been so hurt I'm like a poked snail, retreating into a shell at the slightest provocation.

[nofeelings22]

Is there a female you can think that of that *would* get you excited? Even if you have to imagine one?

 

There are relatively few on the planet that get me excited. When I date ones that don't get me excited, I feel the same way you are describing.

[preraph]

Well, you're both going through the motions, but unfortunately, I don't believe you are suited for each other.

[shet]

I've never met a woman who "excited" me. The closest emotion I feel is great anxiety. Anxiety that they like me, that something goes well, etc. When I try thinking of an exciting woman, I think of your classic Manic Pixie Dream Girl or MPDG, a well established imaginary trope of the effortlessly fun, interesting, and above all, available lady - and I'm well aware what a fantasy that is. In the real world the fact is, I don't want to be alone, and so we do what it takes to prevent that... excitement isn't guaranteed or even likely. I have a great many married friends and excitement is not a word I or they would use.

 

Excitement seems like an immature response given the difficulty of people in general, let alone a relationship. It's really been a very long time since anything went well for me in these regards, and I know that affects how I feel and behave, negatively. I'm having a hard time separating that from how I natively am, or used to be, to see my emotions clearly. More so as I age. Most people don't grasp the level of bitterness that's there, all the time, so familiar to you that you can accidentally expose it any time in ways you don't think about, things you say or even body language.

Edited December 30, 2014 by shet

[FitChick]

Fear of rejection?

[shet]

I've been rejected enough times that it isn't a fear. More like a relief. Lets you move on. Fear of something maybe but what I don't know. I had a catholic upbringing that I was long past by the time I entered my teens but has affected me ever since in subtle ways. I can not enjoy intimacy for its own sake and I've rarely been reassured enough to enjoy it within a greater context, and even then still been let down. It catch-22's me, I can't be even slightly physically intimate until I feel like she's sticking around, but then she won't know how I feel because I'm not physically intimate. It saddens me that I'm expected to try to grope a woman before they take you seriously, and always felt they should know from my words and actions, but what can I say - something's not working.

 

I have people round my house and the thing they always say is where do I have sex - because I have a single bed and no sofa, for space reasons. The question to me is stupid but they do always seem puzzled, and I am in turn puzzled that sex is such a part of their lives they arrange their homes around it and they would feel compelled to question how I live my life over it. Instead I laugh at them - hardly oversexed, they'll have gigantic king sized beds dominating their bedroom that I know for a fact are empty of partners 99.99% of the time, and it's hardly fireworks when it isn't. It's so childishly hopeful, gauche. Like a 14yo boy keeping a condom in his wallet forever.

 

When I do sexuality tests what always stands out is that my needs or desires from a relationship are gender neutral - In my head it looks like... cooking together, watching films together, visiting each others parents, about looking after them when they're sick, about my friends meeting their friends, hearing them come in when I've been home alone all day, or vice versa. Sharing lives. Things that show caring. Very little to do with sexuality, and what there is, is nonspecifically abstract intimacy rather than specific sexual fantasy.

 

These are the things that make me question if I don't have the same desires or compulsions in me that others do. I used to think I did but so much of what people around me do now is just beyond me.