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OLD, girls & hook ups


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I've had 4 dates off OLD, two of which made it to a second date. The second date always ended in full on intimacy initiated by the girl.

 

It makes me wonder whether this is a common thing these days? Do girls bother to wait to see if they are a good fit with a guy generally or is sexual chemistry part of the weeding out process so best get it out of the way ASAP? It suggests to me that these girls are fairly easy and is a bit off putting when considering that all it takes is one date and they want to jump in the sack with you. It's not like I'm talking low hanging hook up fruit either- one of the girls was absolutely stunning, I couldn't believe how with little or no flirting so far she suddenly wanted us to get a taxi back to her place. The other I gave a range of second date options involving catching a play, cinema etc but she decided she wanted to watch a movie round my house - an option I had not put on the table. Nothing more needs to be said about how that panned out.

 

I personally don't like hook ups, they have never worked for me as I usually end up the one attached while the girl just moves on. I find that at least 4 dates before *getting intimate indicates that the girl has a strict weeding out policy and is actually interested in finding out more about me as a person. I really don't see the positive in a woman being so eager to have sex at the drop of a hat because if you are actually interested in who she is a person and not just as a sexual entity its a red flag (IMO) that she is so liberal with her affection. When I think of the amount of 'second dates' these girls must have been on based on the amount of suitors they must attract on OLD...well, all I can say is it's not a happy thought.

 

So yeah, I'm aware that my sample size is 2 so hardly a good basis for a sweeping generalisation, anybody able to corroborate or (hopefully!) deny that this is a common occurrence with women and OLD?

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Wait, you hooked up with both of them, but you're questioning their willingness and not your own? Even though you claim that hookups are not something you like. But you did it anyway? I think that makes you even easier than them, since at least they were clearly down with it. You went along with sex even while thinking that it wasn't a good idea. :confused:

 

Well anyway, if you prefer to chase, then stop jumping into bed with women who are DTF early on. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to chase and get to know someone for a while before having sex. In fact yes, that is fairly normal. But some people are comfortable with hooking up sans relationship and such. Who really knows which is more common in any given pool of people, since sexuality is a sensitive enough topic that many people are not entirely honest about it.

 

Instead of analyzing others you should just focus on what you want/need and hook up (or not) accordingly. Those women wanted sex and offered to share it with you, and you accepted their offers. Plain and simple, really. But if you are reflecting on those experiences and finding yourself feeling negative about hooking up so soon, then just don't do that anymore, no worries. :)

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I haven't had this happen to me through online dating but I've been used like that many times too.

Several of those times I thought I was in the start of a relationship but it was really the girl just getting her fix of sex and onto the next.

 

Women like that will later come on a message board like this complaining they got 'used for sex' and that there are 'no good men left', 'chivalry and being a gentleman is dead' and whatever other such tripe.

 

Eternally lucky is the fella which marries such a 'catch.'

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Women like that will later come on a message board like this complaining they got 'used for sex' and that there are 'no good men left', 'chivalry and being a gentleman is dead' and whatever other such tripe.

Just out of curiosity, how do you assert as fact that it's "women like that" who make those kinds of posts?

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Wait, you hooked up with both of them, but you're questioning their willingness and not your own? Even though you claim that hookups are not something you like. But you did it anyway? I think that makes you even easier than them, since at least they were clearly down with it. You went along with sex even while thinking that it wasn't a good idea. :confused:

 

Well anyway, if you prefer to chase, then stop jumping into bed with women who are DTF early on. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to chase and get to know someone for a while before having sex. In fact yes, that is fairly normal. But some people are comfortable with hooking up sans relationship and such. Who really knows which is more common in any given pool of people, since sexuality is a sensitive enough topic that many people are not entirely honest about it.

 

Instead of analyzing others you should just focus on what you want/need and hook up (or not) accordingly. Those women wanted sex and offered to share it with you, and you accepted their offers. Plain and simple, really. But if you are reflecting on those experiences and finding yourself feeling negative about hooking up so soon, then just don't do that anymore, no worries. :)

 

Actually, the first time I went back with the girl but I honestly didn't think sex was on the cards- it wound up with her on top of me on her bed trying to escalate things, I had had a bit to drink and hate the first time that I am with a new girl to be some drunken fumble (I'm a die hard romantic at heart!) so I (rather shamefully) faked passing out. I woke up in her bed fully clothed and remained so- my desire to do things the old fashioned way did not go down well, I tried to recover from this by offering to wine her and dine her for our next date, I never heard from her again.

 

See, this is the problem for guys- if we decline having sex the woman takes it as some sort of affront and you get ditched without a chance to put things right. The second time this happened I actually felt obliged to go through with the intimacy because if I didn't then again she would take that as some form of insult/sign that I am gay and I wouldn't see her again. So it's not as simple as just turning it down out of hand because as soon as the offer is made you can't decline it because it's unexpected and weird.

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LookAtThisPOst

Now you're posting this around the holidays, so my thoughts on that are that people are getting more desperate during the holidays if they are making a quick go at sleeping with you and then never hearing from them again.

 

Just my opinion though.

 

See, this is the problem for guys- if we decline having sex the woman takes it as some sort of affront and you get ditched without a chance to put things right. The second time this happened I actually felt obliged to go through with the intimacy because if I didn't then again she would take that as some form of insult/sign that I am gay and I wouldn't see her again. So it's not as simple as just turning it down out of hand because as soon as the offer is made you can't decline it because it's unexpected and weird.

 

Good point, women tend to think if you don't go along with their agenda when it comes to sex, though they want it to happen right now...they see it as a rejection or lack of interest on your part and never think, "Well, that's nice, he's willing to wait a little longer." They don't see the nobility of that.

 

 

I've had 4 dates off OLD, two of which made it to a second date. The second date always ended in full on intimacy initiated by the girl.

 

It makes me wonder whether this is a common thing these days? Do girls bother to wait to see if they are a good fit with a guy generally or is sexual chemistry part of the weeding out process so best get it out of the way ASAP? It suggests to me that these girls are fairly easy and is a bit off putting when considering that all it takes is one date and they want to jump in the sack with you. It's not like I'm talking low hanging hook up fruit either- one of the girls was absolutely stunning, I couldn't believe how with little or no flirting so far she suddenly wanted us to get a taxi back to her place. The other I gave a range of second date options involving catching a play, cinema etc but she decided she wanted to watch a movie round my house - an option I had not put on the table. Nothing more needs to be said about how that panned out.

 

I personally don't like hook ups, they have never worked for me as I usually end up the one attached while the girl just moves on. I find that at least 4 dates before *getting intimate indicates that the girl has a strict weeding out policy and is actually interested in finding out more about me as a person. I really don't see the positive in a woman being so eager to have sex at the drop of a hat because if you are actually interested in who she is a person and not just as a sexual entity its a red flag (IMO) that she is so liberal with her affection. When I think of the amount of 'second dates' these girls must have been on based on the amount of suitors they must attract on OLD...well, all I can say is it's not a happy thought.

 

So yeah, I'm aware that my sample size is 2 so hardly a good basis for a sweeping generalisation, anybody able to corroborate or (hopefully!) deny that this is a common occurrence with women and OLD?

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The only time I would ever consider sleeping with a guy on the 1st/2nd date is when I know there will be no 3rd date and the guy is extremely hot.

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Sounds like your testing the options you have and dealing with the outcome of your choices. Remember your in control of your actions. Choose wisely otherwise what you choose might come back to haunt you later on. Today's women are not like they use to be. Remember if you have gone out with someone who had a bad experience with another guy that could backfire on you!

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Good for you take things slow. I think it's best to test the waters and make sure they want more than sex. Sex without love is completely pointless.

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The only time I would ever consider sleeping with a guy on the 1st/2nd date is when I know there will be no 3rd date and the guy is extremely hot.

 

I was going to say the same thing... nice that a woman beat me to it. We should all just get cards printed up that have one question and multiple choice answers...

 

Q: I likey your face, so how should we proceed? Please check one.

A's:

  1. You're too nice. take me home now, and keep hands to self
  2. Let's be friends- you can pay for dates, but keep hands to self
  3. Let's be fwb's- I have a steady squeeze already but if you can be discreet I'm DTF
  4. I'm horny as shyte. I want you to take me home, do me and disappear
  5. I'd like to pursue a relationship, so you'll have to wait 3 months for sex; in the meantime, do you have any nice-looking friends...

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Since it's OLD the women may be, on average, more liberal when it comes to sex. Women as a whole are pretty sexual and many a men would be surprised to know they're ready to hit the sheets when you are if not sooner.

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I hooked up with all but one girl I met through OLD. Each time it was initiated by the girl before the 3rd date. Your results are typical.

 

Thanks, thats not what I wanted to hear but at least I knpw what to expect. I shall laugh everytime I hear girls complaining about hook ups from OLD now- they are actively driving the hook up scene.

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Wait, you hooked up with both of them, but you're questioning their willingness and not your own? Even though you claim that hookups are not something you like. But you did it anyway? I think that makes you even easier than them, since at least they were clearly down with it. You went along with sex even while thinking that it wasn't a good idea. :confused:

 

Well anyway, if you prefer to chase, then stop jumping into bed with women who are DTF early on. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to chase and get to know someone for a while before having sex. In fact yes, that is fairly normal. But some people are comfortable with hooking up sans relationship and such. Who really knows which is more common in any given pool of people, since sexuality is a sensitive enough topic that many people are not entirely honest about it.

 

Instead of analyzing others you should just focus on what you want/need and hook up (or not) accordingly. Those women wanted sex and offered to share it with you, and you accepted their offers. Plain and simple, really. But if you are reflecting on those experiences and finding yourself feeling negative about hooking up so soon, then just don't do that anymore, no worries. :)

If a guy refuses sex it is a big turn off to the girl. she and every one will question his orientation or they will think he is not attracted to her

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If a guy refuses sex it is a big turn off to the girl. she and every one will question his orientation or they will think he is not attracted to her

 

I disagree, because I've been shot down multiple times and didn't wonder if the guy must be gay or whatever. Although in each scenario the guy gave an explanation as to why he was shooting me down, so it was simply a matter of me respecting his words and not trying to analyze the 'true secret' meanings behind them (or something).

 

My present in-progress theory is that many men cannot yet accept the full scope of female sexuality, because many men are still grappling with their own conditioning to not show any vulnerability in themselves.

 

The point you are trying to make here reminds of it.

 

Basically that men are conditioned to believe there is something 'wrong' with them if they do not accept sex from any halfway-attractive woman that offers it, as though men do not have any emotions and are just hormone-driven machines without brains or souls. This spills over into other topics like men having insane insecurity levels if they can legally drink but have never been laid, and such.

 

So it seems like as a defense mechanism to deflect from their own vulnerability, many men project that vulnerability in an amplified form onto women. As in, women never separate sex from emotion at all, ever, and therefore women who will sleep with you early on must be getting emotional revenge sex, have emotional problems or be trying to trick you into being their boyfriend (and so on).

 

Because to accept the inherent sexuality of women plays on the overall balance and polarization, that would call attention to the fact that men can be emotionally vulnerable when it comes to sex. To acknowledge that humans in general have varying degrees of overlap in emotion and sexuality, which furthermore can very per experience/situation/phase of life, not only highlights that women can enjoy NSA sex, but that men sometimes get hurt by NSA sex. Or in other words even further, to view women as complex and varying humans, requires by logical default to view men the same way.

 

And for all of the awesome hooplah against shaming women's sexuality, there is not yet as much hooplah against shaming men's emotional vulnerability.

 

So I can see how it could be very unnerving for a man to hookup NSA with a woman and then have her show no interest in ever seeing him again / having another date, him feeling bad about that but then him simultaneously feeling the massive amount of pressure to not acknowledge his feelings (because that wouldn't be 'manly' or some ****) and so instead, as a defense mechanism, his brain could easily start projecting and critiquing the women.

 

So that is why I'd give the same advice to such a man as a I would such a woman, in the same situation. A woman should not have NSA sex and then blame the man/men for her upset feelings. She should figure out what she wants/needs and act accordingly. By taking responsibility, people empower and protect themselves.

 

There is nothing at all wrong or bizarre about a man being emotionally vulnerable when it comes to sex, and so I would give him the same advice: If being used for sex and then never called again would hurt you (which makes sense for many people), then don't allow it.

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This x100. Nothing like being accused of being gay because you don't want to have sex with a particular girl. This has happened to me a few times as well.

 

Well it was a reflection of the woman saying it, not of you. Clearly they weren't comfortable and secure in their own sexuality and could only interpret a rejection as being all about themselves. We shouldn't allow the hangups of others to influence our own behaviors.

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There was a thread on here a while back where a girl said that she thought it was a red flag that the guy she was with was not willing to get it on 2 or 3 dates in. So many females weighed in on that thread and suggested that he had some sort of issue or an STD. The consensus was very much that there was something wrong. So in the mind of females its perfectly reasonable to suspect that women place expectations on a mans attitude to having sex as soon as possible.

 

It seems to be the case that the man should want it at all times and the women should have sole custody of the decision as to whether sex takes place.

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Just out of curiosity, how do you assert as fact that it's "women like that" who make those kinds of posts?

 

Nearly everytime I read a 'I was used for sex/all men are pigs and players' topic, it's from an OP that opened up her legs almost instantaneously without even getting to know who the bloke actually was just because he was super cool/hot/rich.

 

See the 3rd person I'm quoting below.

 

Good point, women tend to think if you don't go along with their agenda when it comes to sex, though they want it to happen right now...they see it as a rejection or lack of interest on your part and never think, "Well, that's nice, he's willing to wait a little longer." They don't see the nobility of that.

 

So true.

It's a double edge sword in this hook up culture of today, facilitated even further with social media and online dating.

Never has it been easier for men to simply get some sex than now.

 

However, if you're a genuinely good and honest man, looking for more than just a hole to stick your prick into, you're in a lose-lose situation; because if you don't follow along with the instant sexual activity, you're instantly labelled a queer and there's no going back. Just imagine for a second the outcry and avalanche of website and women's magazine articles that'd be written if men were to call any woman who didn't put out quickly enough a lesbian!! It'd be colossal.

 

The only time I would ever consider sleeping with a guy on the 1st/2nd date is when I know there will be no 3rd date and the guy is extremely hot.

 

Yet with a non 'extremely hot' guy you'd make him jump through hoops and pay for a dozen dinners before any sexual activity right?

 

That there is the single reason why dating is the sh#t fight it is today.

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There was a thread on here a while back where a girl said that she thought it was a red flag that the guy she was with was not willing to get it on 2 or 3 dates in. So many females weighed in on that thread and suggested that he had some sort of issue or an STD. The consensus was very much that there was something wrong. So in the mind of females its perfectly reasonable to suspect that women place expectations on a mans attitude to having sex as soon as possible.

 

It seems to be the case that the man should want it at all times and the women should have sole custody of the decision as to whether sex takes place.

 

There have been scores of topics like that here and there'll be thousands more.

 

That is the mindset of 99.9% of women towards a guy who doesn't want to rush into bed.

 

Great for guys who just want a quick screw, but for the rest of them it isn't so rosey.

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See, this is the problem for guys- if we decline having sex the woman takes it as some sort of affront and you get ditched without a chance to put things right. The second time this happened I actually felt obliged to go through with the intimacy because if I didn't then again she would take that as some form of insult/sign that I am gay and I wouldn't see her again. So it's not as simple as just turning it down out of hand because as soon as the offer is made you can't decline it because it's unexpected and weird.

 

No you can decline it. You always have a choice. Always.

 

Any woman who thinks it is weird is not right for you anywase.

 

You are generalizing and saying that ALL women take it that way, which is absolutely not true...but honestly how do you know because you always give in? Your assuming.

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That is the mindset of 99.9% of women towards a guy who doesn't want to rush into bed.

 

Again, assuming. That is the mindset of the women you have come across on forums where complaining is standard. The women who don't mind men waiting, and don't assume anything about them other than they want to wait, may not be on the forums.

 

Bottom line - you don't sound like you are going to stop having sex with women right away, even though you hate it. That's on you. If you don't have the confidence to stand up for your ethics, and (despite what the women may think) tell them that you want to wait, then you can't complain about it.

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So yeah, I'm aware that my sample size is 2 so hardly a good basis for a sweeping generalisation...

 

Very good point. Something to think about.

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still_an_Angel

Maybe you should try other avenues of meeting girls. If you are looking for a relationship going the traditional way then you should join a youth church group. There are lots of activities and you will get to know the girls better before any sex happens.

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Again, assuming. That is the mindset of the women you have come across on forums where complaining is standard. The women who don't mind men waiting, and don't assume anything about them other than they want to wait, may not be on the forums.

 

Bottom line - you don't sound like you are going to stop having sex with women right away, even though you hate it. That's on you. If you don't have the confidence to stand up for your ethics, and (despite what the women may think) tell them that you want to wait, then you can't complain about it.

 

If you read all my posts you would see that I did stand up for my ethics and that it got me nowhere. I had to adjust to a "if you cant beat em join em" mentality. The majority of women have an issue with guys who dont want instant sex. So I either stand by my principles and limit my available pool of women to obsoletion or adapt and adjust and learn to play the game they want to play it.

 

Sad that it cant be the same ruleset for both men and women but thats modern life for you. Men MUST be ganting at it 24/7 or hes just not that into you/must be gay/have an STD.

 

Women are the worlds best at rationalising lack of sexual initiation. Its always on the man and his manhood. Lack of sex = him not being an adequate man in some way.

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