Lack of dateable women in real life

[insert_name]

Now I am getting out of my comfort zone I am discovering that women are not that hard to talk to and rejection isnt really a problem IRL. Its a pity I only discovered this in my 34th year and am now making up for lost time!

 

But I notice that all the women I meet and click with IRL have really complex and dramatic love lives, even the single ones are going through some messy divorce or such like that seems to make them reluctant to want to pursue anything, even though conversationally I get on with them like a house on fire and they seem to be interested- it comes across like they are holding back intentionally.

 

This is while out and about and with friends of friends in the 25 to 35 age bracket so its not exactly through singles clubs, but still, its amazing how few truly single women there seem to be out there. The only truly single ones I seem to meet are on OLD, which is a terrifying thought really.

 

Its starting to dawn on me that the old maxim of "all the best ones are taken" is spot on when applied to dating from a mans perspective. Its a really tough hustle both on OLD and IRL if you are man in your 30s, thats for sure.

[Phoe]

Now I am getting out of my comfort zone I am discovering that women are not that hard to talk to and rejection isnt really a problem IRL. Its a pity I only discovered this in my 34th year and am now making up for lost time!

 

But I notice that all the women I meet and click with IRL have really complex and dramatic love lives, even the single ones are going through some messy divorce or such like that seems to make them reluctant to want to pursue anything, even though conversationally I get on with them like a house on fire and they seem to be interested- it comes across like they are holding back intentionally.

 

This is while out and about and with friends of friends in the 25 to 35 age bracket so its not exactly through singles clubs, but still, its amazing how few truly single women there seem to be out there. The only truly single ones I seem to meet are on OLD, which is a terrifying thought really.

 

Its starting to dawn on me that the old maxim of "all the best ones are taken" is spot on when applied to dating from a mans perspective. Its a really tough hustle both on OLD and IRL if you are man in your 30s, thats for sure.

 

It's interesting how all of this can play out.

 

The good ones are often taken, yes. Then there's the implication that if a woman is single, there's something wrong with her, that surely if she was a good one, she'd have been snagged up.

 

It's a precarious mindset to have. And yet I find myself thinking about it quite a bit. There's a lack of single men in my area. Very hard to find anyone to date. And I often go over and over in my head what the implications are, when everyone's coupled up... What does it say about the ones who got left out?

 

It's not fun at all.

[spanishchick00]

Who really knows, why a women lets say in her 30's is single? Could be lack of guys in her area..the only ones that seem to hit on me are divorced men with kids in their mid-40's and 50's, guys that never want to settle for less, the ones that I'm interested in pursing a relationship, don't want me because I'm not their first choice. I remember seeing how easy it was meeting guys in my early late teens and early 20's. I didn't take advantage of dating when I was in my 20's, now that I find it tough. I mean, its like you have to be in someone's "social circle" for the possibility to meet someone through friends. And I'm not part of any circle, that I know are married with kids and don't want to do me a favor of introducing me with anyone.

[Teraskas]

The irony is that even at age 23 I've been lamenting this as well, lol. xD

Tougher even to find someone my age who sees eye to eye on stuff such as marriage, children, etc.

Ah the disadvantage of not being like most guys, heh.

 

I used to be convinced of the 'All the good ones are taken' maxim, but honestly all the so called 'truly single' women I meet all make me feel like I'm some sort of a consolation prize. As if 'I'm all that's left' because the original lives they intended went south.

[Danda]

Am I the only one who finds it a bit humorously ironic when single people perceive that singles of the opposite gender must have something wrong with them, or else they wouldn't be single?

 

Yes, OP, a lot of people who are single presently but have romance history under their belt, have indeed been affected by their past romance history. I think it's just an almost inescapable part of being human, that all of your previous bonds (for better or worse, or both) will have an impact on how you approach and perceive future bonds, potential or already rolling.

 

Even your own seeming lack of recent experience in this area is affecting your perceptions, because you are finding it strange or off-putting when other people have normal influence and the effects thereof from the moderately to closely recent experience(s) they've had. If you could empathize from having been in the same boat, then it probably wouldn't feel as weird to you hehe.

 

Anyway, humans are some delightfully complex creatures, but don't let that discourage you or intimidate you away. If someone is reluctant it just means they're not naive anymore, and their trust won't be handed to you on a silver platter. Make sure, as well, that you finding this bizarre isn't a sign that you're handing your trust to people on a silver platter, either.

 

My personal opinion, anyway.

[carhill]

If you feel all the best ones are taken in your demographic, try another demographic for comparison. That worked great for me when I was your age. If finding similar, try again. If you identify a pattern, then it's time to look inward as the relevant commonality.

 

I found, once I moved outside of a demographic with surplus men, it was far easier and more satisfying to grow relationships with healthy women. Your experience will be your own.

[FitChick]

I can have great conversations with a man but that doesn't mean I want to date him.

[somedude81]

This is what I've been saying forever.

 

All the decent women who want to be in a relationship, are guess what, in a relationship.

 

The only reason they are single is because they want to be single. The only thing a man can do is find a woman who is in that very brief period of time where she is single and is looking to find somebody. With most women that window is extremely small.

[insert_name]

Am I the only one who finds it a bit humorously ironic when single people perceive that singles of the opposite gender must have something wrong with them, or else they wouldn't be single?

 

Yes, OP, a lot of people who are single presently but have romance history under their belt, have indeed been affected by their past romance history. I think it's just an almost inescapable part of being human, that all of your previous bonds (for better or worse, or both) will have an impact on how you approach and perceive future bonds, potential or already rolling.

 

Even your own seeming lack of recent experience in this area is affecting your perceptions, because you are finding it strange or off-putting when other people have normal influence and the effects thereof from the moderately to closely recent experience(s) they've had. If you could empathize from having been in the same boat, then it probably wouldn't feel as weird to you hehe.

 

Anyway, humans are some delightfully complex creatures, but don't let that discourage you or intimidate you away. If someone is reluctant it just means they're not naive anymore, and their trust won't be handed to you on a silver platter. Make sure, as well, that you finding this bizarre isn't a sign that you're handing your trust to people on a silver platter, either.

 

My personal opinion, anyway.

 

I ubderstand that people have histories and what not, the point I wss trying to make (and didnt manage it clearly) is that (to me at least) it feels like the options for someone in their 30s are severely hamstrung by the sheer number of people who have/have had messed up love lives.

 

To put it another way: I did OLD because I felt I wasnt very good at approaching/talking in the flesh and was scared of rejection. My perception was that there are loads of eligible women in my age group to date IRL, I just dont meet them cus I prefer to sit behind a computer screen.

 

I seem to have had a bit of a renaissance recently and found that I can engage women and have a visible effect on their body language/demeanour (by that I mean they genuinely seem to be enjoying themselves in my company). But I have been disappointed to discover that with women in my age group there is always some baggage in the background that makes them difficult to get to know better. I ask if they want to meet up sometime and they look genuinely conflicted and are like "I'd like to but I'm not sure because of my <insert reason>". They seem genuine (I can spot a proper brush off a mile away after OLD!) and I can do without the drama so I dont push it and move on.

 

I guess Im trying to say that Im just a bit surprised that this situation is so common. Its almost like to meet people who are single and ready to date in this age range I have to go via official singles channels like OLD or meet up groups for singles or whatever. I cant just go to a party, start hitting it off with a girl I like and have a straight forward number exchange and continue on from there, there is always a complication.

Edited December 20, 2014 by insert_name

[FitChick]

If she really liked you there wouldn't be a 'complication.' She'd figure out a way to make it happen. It's the basic "S/he's just not into you."

 

Having said that, you still shouldn't give up. Eventually someone will say yes.

[Frank2thepoint]

Its starting to dawn on me that the old maxim of "all the best ones are taken" is spot on when applied to dating from a mans perspective. Its a really tough hustle both on OLD and IRL if you are man in your 30s, thats for sure.

 

The good ones are often taken, yes. Then there's the implication that if a woman is single, there's something wrong with her, that surely if she was a good one, she'd have been snagged up.

 

I've heard plenty of women say the same thing that all the good men are taken. But as I've recently learned from another heated thread, men in their 30s that don't have serious long term relationship on their relationship history, are seen as undesirable or defective. So the assumption about something being wrong with the person if they are single in their 30s and beyond, applies to both genders. It granted me a new perspective. I now have more compassion for the women the are single in their 30s and beyond, that they too may have had bad luck in relationships, and they should suffer the brunt of the blame.

[somedude81]

I've heard plenty of women say the same thing that all the good men are taken. But as I've recently learned from another heated thread, men in their 30s that don't have serious long term relationship on their relationship history, are seen as undesirable or defective. So the assumption about something being wrong with the person if they are single in their 30s and beyond, applies to both genders. It granted me a new perspective. I now have more compassion for the women the are single in their 30s and beyond, that they too may have had bad luck in relationships, and they should suffer the brunt of the blame.

 

Do you know of any women who have been single into their 30's or haven't had a long term relationship?

[coolheadal]

Whatever you do be honest and don't tip the scale buy lying to them. Not good. If they were lied too prior with other ex's here you come to be subjected to the same way they will treat you.

Because they were treated badly. Worst of all some can't love you the way you want them too. They don't know how to love? They don't know what in love is? What you end up with is a cold women.

 

There are some women out there in there 30's because they had taken that choice to be like that. Some been with more than 20 men since a teenager. They just keep on going until they can't do it anymore. Living all over the place! Never happy and then move out and find another guy to move in with. To me might have to find an island where many single girls are on and take your pick at best on who likes you the most or do you click?

Edited December 21, 2014 by coolheadal

[AVarma]

But as I've recently learned from another heated thread, men in their 30s that don't have serious long term relationship on their relationship history, are seen as undesirable or defective.

 

Any link to the thread?

[LookAtThisPOst]

But I have been disappointed to discover that with women in my age group there is always some baggage in the background that makes them difficult to get to know better. I ask if they want to meet up sometime and they look genuinely conflicted and are like "I'd like to but I'm not sure because of my <insert reason>". They seem genuine (I can spot a proper brush off a mile away after OLD!) and I can do without the drama so I dont push it and move on.

 

 

Wow.....coincidentally enough, I just got back from a Christmas party meetup. There was this woman I knew somewhat well in that Meetup, but she rarely attended events. I thought she gave up coming. I kind of knew her pretty well and had a good rapport with her already.

 

At the party, she'd mingle and always come back to me with something funny to say or some observation. She'd also tell me where she was going if she left me to go mingle or somewhere. She'd always hang with me at group events.

 

Then when I walked her to her car, I said how about we meetup up sometime...and she was like "Um..er...well, I haven't been good relationships...and if I seem a bit stand offish, nothing personal...it's not you...it's me."

 

I kind of joked about the Seinfeld reference because that's what George Costanza says "It's not you, it's me" routine all the time. lol We got a good laugh and asked that she drive home safely.

 

Not sure if she even wants me to her ask her out, but apparently that nervous response was so tense filled.

 

She added me on Facebook, but that was it.

[SJC2008]

Most people can get a gf/bf at the flip of a switch. Then there's the camp that I'm in where it seems like a secret club I was never invited into. Most people are coupled up and single people don't (usually) stay that way long. I always wonder "who was the lucky sob to meet you while you were both single?". FML...

[USMCHokie]

Most people can get a gf/bf at the flip of a switch. Then there's the camp that I'm in where it seems like a secret club I was never invited into. Most people are coupled up and single people don't (usually) stay that way long. I always wonder "who was the lucky sob to meet you while you were both single?". FML...

 

No single person is so special that if you missed the timing on one person, you'd be doomed for eternity. The average person, e.g., you or I, is pretty unremarkable in the grand scheme of things, and there are enough people out there that there isn't just one person meant for us.

 

Relationships form from a threshold of qualities and characteristics between two people. In other words, if you're tall enough, you can get on the ride. So if you meet the minimum requirements of another, more likely than not, some sort of dating situation can materialize.

 

If someone has genuine dating problems, i.e., he is consistently rejected, then he needs to either lower his threshold or move to a place with more people. Likewise for women.

[insert_name]

If she really liked you there wouldn't be a 'complication.' She'd figure out a way to make it happen. It's the basic "S/he's just not into you."

 

Having said that, you still shouldn't give up. Eventually someone will say yes.

 

Not really because that implies that romantic interest will always trump personal circumstance if the guy is hot enough, has enough money etc. What if a girl going through a divorce genuinely doesnt want to date so soon no matter who the man is? Hardly an inconceivable circumstance. I think you would need to have been present to see the interaction to know it was a flat out rejection. For example when I said to the girl with the divorce issue thst I would like to meet up and offered my phone number (there is a reason thst i offered mine rather than take hers!), she explained that she was going through a divorce then thought about it and her face lit up and she was like "actually yeah, give me your number!" like she was speaking out against her own reservations. So hardly a blatant rejection, more a 'maybe' depending on which side of her decision making process won out.

 

My friend spoke with her after I left and explained that she was talking about me a lot and seemed to be keen on me. For my part if she has any reservations then she is not in a good position to take things further so probably for the best that I don't hear from her.

[MissBee]

This is what I've been saying forever.

 

All the decent women who want to be in a relationship, are guess what, in a relationship.

 

The only reason they are single is because they want to be single. The only thing a man can do is find a woman who is in that very brief period of time where she is single and is looking to find somebody. With most women that window is extremely small.

 

 

This isn't true.

 

My friends and I always talk about the fact that if you're a woman with some sense it's much harder to find a relationship if you actually have standards. If you don't though....then there are hundreds and thousands of men you can choose from. But if you want a man that you like who likes you who is actually compatible with you and so on...it's not that easy.

 

The idea that GOOD men that YOU LIKE are just outside your door and you just pick and choose is false. I don't have a problem getting a date...but the chances that this man is a man suitable to be in a relationship with based on compatibility or that I will fall for him isn't a dime a dozen at all. I've dated more than I've been in relationships, as finding someone I click with on the level of wanting to be in an exclusive relationship is not that easy. I am always shocked at women (and men) who hop from relationship to relationship and I figure they must just like ANYONE because I never meet that many men back to back that I want to be with. I may have fun with them for a little but to actually be invested in them, no. Back in the day in fact I used to wish I had less sense and less standards where I could just fall in love with anyone, then I'm like yeah right lol. Because it actually makes when I do really special.

 

Anyway: the idea that all the good people are taken is rubbish and more about confirmation bias than anything. Women say all good men are taken, men say all good women are taken. Women in a certain age bracket say all men their age are taken, men in a certain age bracket say the same. When I lived in one city all the women are saying all the men in that city are taken, go to a next city, same complaint and funnily women are idealizing the first city for its prospects when when I lived there the women there felt the same. This cannot all be true. And meanwhile you still have folks meeting and dating, forming relationships and marrying.

Edited December 21, 2014 by MissBee

[Weezy1973]

Anyway: the idea that all the good people are taken is rubbish and more about confirmation bias than anything. Women say all good men are taken, men say all good women are taken. Women in a certain age bracket say all men their age are taken, men in a certain age bracket say the same. When I lived in one city all the women are saying all the men in that city are taken, go to a next city, same complaint and funnily women are idealizing the first city for its prospects when when I lived there the women there felt the same. This cannot all be true. And meanwhile you still have folks meeting and dating, forming relationships and marrying.

 

Exactly this. The always singles will find any reason other than trying to look objectively at themselves and what they're doing to explain the difficulties they're having with dating and relationships.

 

The vast majority of adults are in relationships. The vast majority of people that want to be in a relationship, date successfully and find one. For the very small minority that don't (a group that will be over-represented on Internet forums like LS), there is something else going on with themselves making it such a struggle.

 

The key being that it's with themselves. Not the world at large. And I suspect that as long as the OP, and the others in this thread continue to blame the world, instead of looking at themselves and how they can change, they will continue to struggle. And continue to blame the world.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Exactly this. The always singles will find any reason other than trying to look objectively at themselves and what they're doing to explain the difficulties they're having with dating and relationships.

 

The vast majority of adults are in relationships. The vast majority of people that want to be in a relationship, date successfully and find one. For the very small minority that don't (a group that will be over-represented on Internet forums like LS), there is something else going on with themselves making it such a struggle.

 

The key being that it's with themselves. Not the world at large. And I suspect that as long as the OP, and the others in this thread continue to blame the world, instead of looking at themselves and how they can change, they will continue to struggle. And continue to blame the world.

 

Right, for instance, I had come across a couple of not-so-stable single or flaky women at these Meetup events that are obviously single for a reason.

 

They lack the ability to look introspectively at themselves to recognize their disturbing behavior.

 

Cripes, I've heard of people attempting to drive a knife through someone's back due to a domestic dispute.

[somedude81]

This isn't true.

 

My friends and I always talk about the fact that if you're a woman with some sense it's much harder to find a relationship if you actually have standards. If you don't though....then there are hundreds and thousands of men you can choose from.

 

What are these standards that hundreds of thousands of men don't meet?

 

But if you want a man that you like who likes you who is actually compatible with you and so on...it's not that easy.

 

How does a woman determine if a man is compatible? You make it seem like it's a very rare thing for a woman to feel compatible with a man.

 

I have standards and yet I find women that I feel I'm compatible with all the time.

 

 

The idea that GOOD men that YOU LIKE are just outside your door and you just pick and choose is false.

 

That's the same thing as standards. If a man doesn't meet your standards, then he isn't a good man and you don't like him.

 

I don't have a problem getting a date...but the chances that this man is a man suitable to be in a relationship with based on compatibility or that I will fall for him isn't a dime a dozen at all.

 

Once again you are talking about "standards."

 

All I'm hearing from you is, "Women are very picky."

 

Then that means to me that a woman who is single, is only single because she's very picky and she can't find a guy that she feels is good enough for her.

 

Anyway: the idea that all the good people are taken is rubbish and more about confirmation bias than anything.

 

What I'm saying is that all good women who want to date, and have reasonable standards are taken.

 

The women who are single, either want to be single, or they feel that nobody is good enough for them.

[Woggle]

It is really hard to find a good single woman that is relationship material. I imagine the same is true for men but if you are a quality person looking for the same the pickings are slim. I would say after a certain age finding a great woman who you can have a quality and lasting relationship with is almost like winning the lottery.

[Weezy1973]

What I'm saying is that all good women who want to date, and have reasonable standards are taken.

 

The women who are single, either want to be single, or they feel that nobody is good enough for them.

 

But the reason you're saying this is because you really struggle with dating and getting into long term relationships. I haven't met one man (in real life) ever that struggled to find a relationship. Not one!

 

You're taking your, very rare, situation and trying to find an explanation to the point where you're just plain making things up. Like the above quote.

[somedude81]

But the reason you're saying this is because you really struggle with dating and getting into long term relationships. I haven't met one man (in real life) ever that struggled to find a relationship. Not one!

 

Then you've not met very many men or run in a very small circle because there are tons of men out there that struggle to find relationships. Also, most men don't broadcast that they are having trouble with women.

 

Also just because a man you know now is in a relationship does not mean that he has never struggled.