I need friendzone , and relationship greatly

[Overlord97]

Hi everyone, I just joined the website and I really need some advice or help on how to go about what just happened to me in the past with many girls I've had a crush on and especially with what happened in the past two days with this one girl i'm currently having a crush on so please bear with me.

 

I see myself as a person who judges myself at times, and it affects me when it comes to liking a girl, especially when it comes to wondering if they like me back. I wasn't the most confident and positive person back in middle school, but high school changed me greatly, I see myself as more confident and positive, especially with many new friends I made which is something I severely lacked in middle school, I see myself as a more intelligent talented person and I take great pride in these changes now but sometimes at times I think it's not enough for me to date someone I really like. I'm a 17 year old about 5'11 boy and going on to 18 in a month and many of my friends and close friends are in a relationship now and i'm not in one and haven't ever been in one. I've had crushes on girls but I wouldn't go about them well and in the end things would turn up awkward, especially when they find out I like them more than a friend. In middle school it would be chaotic and I ended up being very hurt in the end by one girl after much awkwardness and having to take up months to get over the heartbreak until someone else came along in high school that I moved on towards them only to be driven away by them which hurt me even more greatly because they didn't even want to be a friend to me even though I was just myself and going about it as cool as possible and taking advice from my friends on going about it. I moved on from that and didn't really give a **** about getting into a relationship anymore, almost as if I was done and focused on my challenging classes in high school, even though I had a subtle crush on one girl and 2 friends later but I didn't go for it because I wasn't serious enough about it. Then when I started my senior year of high school in august this year, my subtle crush was in one of my classes for about a week before transferring out to something else, this was when my feelings escalated more and I wanted to go for it, but wasn't very serious until about 3 months later when I gathered up the courage to talk to her and really work on trying to get into a relationship. We got along and talked well, and I felt like I had a chance and we had some things in common. Then, along came her friend, which made me change my feelings completely and I developed a crush on her and moved on from her friend. I got to know this girl and this was the type of girl I feel like I wanted to go for, I feel like we have many things in common and she's academically serious like me which I didn't really find in other girls I liked. We talked and talked and took a picture together with a friend at a ceremony where her and other students were inducted to a school club for excellent grades in school, I got her phone number as well. My feelings grew intensely for the past month with all this going on, then this past Friday I couldn't hold the feelings in anymore, they were eating me up, and I spilled the beans and told her I had a crush on her and I feel for her more as a friend and told her all the other things I was feeling. I couldn't tell her everything off the bat due to time to get to class or i'll be late, but she told me she wasn't looking for anyone to date because she just got out of a relationship and she was very hurt from it. After I told her my feelings, I asked her how she felt, and she said she was shocked by what I told her and we continued the conversation yesterday by texting, I told her I really cared about her, but she said we barely met, and I said that I know I just feel this at times. Then about an hour later, she told me honestly that she only sees me as friend, a really close friend, that's it and she's not looking for a relationship at all. I told her I understand. She said thank you for understanding. I then said that I actually expected her to say that and that i'm not really ready for a relationship either. She didn't respond back after that. So I honestly do feel I need more time to get into a relationship, but i'm wondering if I screwed up badly that I wound up in the "friendzone", aside from the other girls that friendzoned me in school, I understood that because I did all the wrong things back then and now I know better, and I really need help and advice on how to go about this even though I feel like I didn't do all the wrong things like the past, because i'm wondering if I did something wrong in order to get into this predicament, if there's any solution on how I can, I guess, possibly get out of the friendzone, please help, or if there's anything that could possibly be on her mind regarding this please help me out on what it could be I really want to know what's up

Thank you

If you need any clarification on this story i'll answer your questions

Edited December 14, 2014 by Overlord97

[Danda]

My advice is to make sure you are actually flirting with females and gauging their romantic interest before you let your feelings develop too far and then spill your beans to them.

 

The way you describe your experiences indicates that you sort of blindsided these females out of left field with your confessions, without ever actually flirting with them or asking them to even hang out just the two of you / go out on a date.

 

If this is true then it means

 

(A) You didn't do any flirting to see if there was any potential before you laid your heart out on the line.

 

(B) You laid your heart out on the line in pursuit of a relationship without doing any 'prep work' (flirting, going on dates, etc).

 

Typically (doesn't always need to be this way and certainly isn't, but typically) if a gal captures your interest, you'll want to

 

1. Flirt with her a bit and see how she responds. This can tell you quite a bit about your chances if you were to ask her out on a date. It's not 100% foolproof but it's something. This can help you avoid asking out gals who would very likely say no, which can help you avoid some unnecessary rejection.

 

If the gal flirts back or seems excited/happy/smiley when she sees you (post initial flirting) and during flirting encounters, then it likely means she is open to the idea of getting to know you more in a romantic sense. Again, not a guarantee, but it's better than going in totally blind.

 

2. If the flirting goes well then you can ask the gal out on a date, or to hang out just the two of you if you can't literally date right now (no car, no money, etc). As the two of you spend time together on dates / hanging out, you can get to know each other and see if there is chemistry.

 

This is the process by which you both determine if there is mutual romantic interest or if one or both people just want to be friends or go separate ways.

 

3. If after a while of dating / hanging out / flirting / etc there is mutual chemistry, then you can start moving into the territory of discussing a possible romantic relationship.

 

 

But blindsiding friendly acquaintances out of left field with emotional confessions and desires for a relationship is much less likely to go well.

 

I was very similar in mentality to you when I was in high school. I would develop big crushes, but was shy and so would let these feelings secretly roll for a long time in my head before finally confessing, only to be shot down over and over. I didn't realize I was being awkward lol. Lessons learned and such, no worries.

[Overlord97]

My advice is to make sure you are actually flirting with females and gauging their romantic interest before you let your feelings develop too far and then spill your beans to them.

 

The way you describe your experiences indicates that you sort of blindsided these females out of left field with your confessions, without ever actually flirting with them or asking them to even hang out just the two of you / go out on a date.

 

If this is true then it means

 

(A) You didn't do any flirting to see if there was any potential before you laid your heart out on the line.

 

(B) You laid your heart out on the line in pursuit of a relationship without doing any 'prep work' (flirting, going on dates, etc).

 

Typically (doesn't always need to be this way and certainly isn't, but typically) if a gal captures your interest, you'll want to

 

1. Flirt with her a bit and see how she responds. This can tell you quite a bit about your chances if you were to ask her out on a date. It's not 100% foolproof but it's something. This can help you avoid asking out gals who would very likely say no, which can help you avoid some unnecessary rejection.

 

If the gal flirts back or seems excited/happy/smiley when she sees you (post initial flirting) and during flirting encounters, then it likely means she is open to the idea of getting to know you more in a romantic sense. Again, not a guarantee, but it's better than going in totally blind.

 

2. If the flirting goes well then you can ask the gal out on a date, or to hang out just the two of you if you can't literally date right now (no car, no money, etc). As the two of you spend time together on dates / hanging out, you can get to know each other and see if there is chemistry.

 

This is the process by which you both determine if there is mutual romantic interest or if one or both people just want to be friends or go separate ways.

 

3. If after a while of dating / hanging out / flirting / etc there is mutual chemistry, then you can start moving into the territory of discussing a possible romantic relationship.

 

 

But blindsiding friendly acquaintances out of left field with emotional confessions and desires for a relationship is much less likely to go well.

 

I was very similar in mentality to you when I was in high school. I would develop big crushes, but was shy and so would let these feelings secretly roll for a long time in my head before finally confessing, only to be shot down over and over. I didn't realize I was being awkward lol. Lessons learned and such, no worries.

 

That's very good advice, I appreciate it highly that you responded to me now i'm just wondering what should I do regarding this girl now? Should I try flirting again and try to get closer to her over a span of time? I'm thinking I should give her space and have her come to me then we can probably go from there, or just ultimately move on? I feel like there can still be a chance to get out of this "friendzone" but what should I do regarding that? I'm not ready to let it go yet.

[Danda]

That's very good advice, I appreciate it highly that you responded to me now i'm just wondering what should I do regarding this girl now? Should I try flirting again and try to get closer to her over a span of time? I'm thinking I should give her space and have her come to me then we can probably go from there, or just ultimately move on? I feel like there can still be a chance to get out of this "friendzone" but what should I do regarding that? I'm not ready to let it go yet.

 

In my opinion you should move on, but it's normal to feel bummed for a little while after a rejection, we all go through it.

 

There is no such thing as the "friendzone".

 

Think about it: If a girl you don't want to date is friends with you, does that mean you're in a "friendzone"? If a 50 year old woman was friends with you at say, a church or club or something, would that be a "friendzone"? What about a male friend you have, is that a "friendzone"?

 

When a girl you like says she only likes you as a friend, the truth is that she phrasing it in a clumsy manner. A lot of the time people feel bad about just saying, "No I don't want to date you," so some people try to 'smooth it over' by saying, "I like you as a friend." They're basically trying to say something that sounds positive instead of something that sounds negative. But the bottom line message is the same when you were asking for a dating thing.

 

When a girl is not interested in your romantically or sexually, and you have romance/sex on the brain, then it doesn't matter if she wants to be friends or not. What matters is that you want romance and/or sex, and she doesn't want that with you. So it's time to move on.

 

I know it can be very misleading when they say "only" friends, because that makes it sound like you on level 2 out of 4 in a video game or something, and you need to work harder to get to level 3. But again it's just a common but clumsy way of turning people down. If you ask a girl out and she says she just wants to be friends, what you need to take away from it is, "I don't want to date you."

[Overlord97]

In my opinion you should move on, but it's normal to feel bummed for a little while after a rejection, we all go through it.

 

There is no such thing as the "friendzone".

 

Think about it: If a girl you don't want to date is friends with you, does that mean you're in a "friendzone"? If a 50 year old woman was friends with you at say, a church or club or something, would that be a "friendzone"? What about a male friend you have, is that a "friendzone"?

 

When a girl you like says she only likes you as a friend, the truth is that she phrasing it in a clumsy manner. A lot of the time people feel bad about just saying, "No I don't want to date you," so some people try to 'smooth it over' by saying, "I like you as a friend." They're basically trying to say something that sounds positive instead of something that sounds negative. But the bottom line message is the same when you were asking for a dating thing.

 

When a girl is not interested in your romantically or sexually, and you have romance/sex on the brain, then it doesn't matter if she wants to be friends or not. What matters is that you want romance and/or sex, and she doesn't want that with you. So it's time to move on.

 

I know it can be very misleading when they say "only" friends, because that makes it sound like you on level 2 out of 4 in a video game or something, and you need to work harder to get to level 3. But again it's just a common but clumsy way of turning people down. If you ask a girl out and she says she just wants to be friends, what you need to take away from it is, "I don't want to date you."

 

I see what you're saying, thanks for the response