goldengirl11 Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Hi, I know this might sound a bit petty, but the guy friend I like and have done for several months now, is being pursued by a younger, thin girl friend of mine, who he has known for a bit longer and is quite close to and protective of. She's 24 and appears to get a lot of attention from men, whereas I don't feel I do as much, from the ones I like anyway. She was texting me last night asking me what I thought of him etc, which I tried to downplay. It is a very painful situation for me, as I feel he hasn't really shown much interest of late, after he kept me hanging for a period of months, texting all the time, but without committing to a date. Now, my friend is thinking of telling him how she feels. She hasn't actually admitted who it is but it is SO obvious through her hints and actions it is this mutual friend. Perhaps I might have to drop out of this meet up group. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 Also quite recently I admitted to him that I was a bit jealous of their what seems close friendship, but he said that it was ok and that she's a lot younger than him (she's 24, I'm 36 and he's 37) and that feels a bit like a sister. I'm not sure if I believe him though, but even if he was telling the truth, I can't help but feel that when she does probably make a move, that he will likely go for it, which would be very difficult for me. I've had my fair share of heartbreak tbh and fear I won't meet someone compatible to have a relationship/hopefully settle down with at some point. I am also unhappy with my weight, which think could be affecting my chances, but my older (married) sister thinks not if they are level headed! Surely one's looks draws them in initially though and want to meet someone hopefully of average, healthy weight. That is a different matter though!! I have just asked the guy friend if he wants to meet for a coffee this weekend, after he turned down a recent offer to my work staff party because of the high cost of it! If he says he's busy this weekend though, I might have to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) Sorry for my rambling message(s) this morning - couldn't edit them later. Any advice re friend situation would be appreciated, after she texted me again confirming it was him. Sounds pathetic, but feels like it's eating me up inside. Especially as I can't really admit to her that I like him too. Ps Not obsessed though - honest! Edited December 3, 2014 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) Hi OP. I was in your exact situation in college, the only difference that all 3 of us were 21. A guy I pined for my senior year in college hosted a weekend party. For months I'd had a crush on him. I knew another gal did too, who was also at the party. Anyway, we both vied for his attention and eventually made fools of ourselves (which doesn't take long when you're 21, in a house full of beer kegs and bottles of hard liquor). He was very flattered but turned us both down because he'd just started to date the woman who became his wife. I was disappointed but got over that quickly as I met another guy to date the next weekend. And he and I are still friends to this day. My point: if you have feelings for your friend, don't beat around the bush about it. Just tell him. If he respects you, he'll be flattered. If his feelings are mutual, well then you hit the jackpot. Don't even bother to share this info with your 24 year old friend who has a crush on him. 1) She'd blab it to him because that's what 24 year olds do and 2) he already told you that he only views her as a sister, so he only has a platonic interest in her. If you don't make your true feelings known to him, then all you'll be left with is regret. You never know, he may surprise you. Edited December 3, 2014 by writergal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Well, there was such a feeding frenzy in college that the girls in my dorm held auctions for who got three week rights to "work on" getting the guys. Some of them got a few for real cheap. Others like me traded all their chips for one. But if nothing materialized at the end of three weeks, back in the pot they went. Unfortunately, the guy I bought rights to was secretly in love with one of my sister's friends not living on campus -- and being the altruistic but stupid hippie girl I was then, I took him to visit so he got his shot. It didn't do either one of us any good. But I digress. If the guy you like was interested, he'd have asked you out a long time ago. I know when you're young it seems like you're trying to develop things and let him get to know you and all that, but the truth is, if he was interested romantically, what with you being friendly, he'd have bit the hook long ago. He may now feel it's okay to just be friends with you since you haven't physicall accosted him by now and aren't escalating. But there's just usually no good end to chasing after a guy who is luke warm toward you. Pay attention to any guys who seem to initiate talking to you and give them a chance. I think it's time to let this one go unless he asks you out or kisses you if he goes to coffee. I feel bad for you. But life is short and youth is fleeting. Don't waste it on one lukewarm guy with so many others out there. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Now, not that I want to bring this topic up again, but am considering taking a break from this meet up group, as is getting a bit complicated there e.g not just with this guy I like, but other stuff! Also this girl friend who also likes him, who I know from meet up, quite regularly messages me on FB and don't think I can move on from this situation with us still talking often. Any advice on this? Not about the guy obviously. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 May I ask what you mean by the "guy you have done for several months?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 May I ask what you mean by the "guy you have done for several months?" Oh sorry - I can see what you mean It should've just read the guy I have liked for several months. Nothing physical has happened. As I said in my last post, I didn't want to bring 'the topic' as such up again, but was about this girl friend messaging me. Just feels quite awkward. Probably because I'm a bit jealous of her, if I'm honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Ok thanks for clarifying! Well, if you feel uncomfortable and want to get out of the situation, then move on. I sense some hesitancy from you about it. There is no need to return her emails if this is a tender area. Are you sure that you really don't care about the guy? Of course you do and that is why you don't want to be friends with the girl. I would do what writergal suggested and let him know that you are interested. However, he does seem lukewarm and sees you as a friend so please don't put too much into it. There is nothing wrong with being friends and if he isn't interested in you romantically, there's no reason for you to think that you are not attractive. You sound really lovely and I'm sure that there will be someone for you. Let us know how things progress. I think you are already feeling defeated about this and I hope you know that despite any set back, you will have the right one for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Well, of course you're jealous. A much younger girl is going after a man in your age range who is probably appropriate for you and yes, he'll probably take the bait. You've just got to move on to other guys though. I do think men can start falling for you from being around you enough, but sounds like you've given him enough time for that to happen if it was going to. He may be trying to date someone younger to have kids with or just because lots of old guys want young girls. They think it makes they seem youthful, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) Well, of course you're jealous. A much younger girl is going after a man in your age range who is probably appropriate for you and yes, he'll probably take the bait. You've just got to move on to other guys though. I do think men can start falling for you from being around you enough, but sounds like you've given him enough time for that to happen if it was going to. He may be trying to date someone younger to have kids with or just because lots of old guys want young girls. They think it makes they seem youthful, I guess. I'd really like to still have kids and so would he. When I recently felt prompted to tell him how I felt, which was extremely awkward for me, he said he'd guessed he did and appeared to give the impression he was going to have a think about it. I admitted that I partly did as it seemed that this girl was trying to move things forward with him, when he said that he knew she was and that there was a bit of an issue a few weeks ago. When I also said that I thought you might choose her instead he said "why, because she's younger?" I didn't answer that though. I also said that I was trying to lose weight and said it's not my weight. He recently said he was single, but maybe he's got his eye on someone. Who knows. He said that he thinks she's now showing interest because she would now appear lonely as she has moved and think she would just move onto the next better looking guy, which was at the back of his mind. This girl has often said that he's complicated, but am trying to move on from both of them. She also seems to make her way round all the men in this 20's and 30's meet up group! Hopefully I can find a 30's and 40's meet up instead i.e no young girls! Edited January 19, 2015 by goldengirl11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Feel a bit stupid to bring this up again, but see he is down for a meet up tonight which she is going to i.e feel very nervous about it. Am tempted to go along because of this, but is currently full anyway. Am glad he's initiated text a bit recently, but now feeling gutted I didn't suggest meeting this weekend (I know it's a two way street though). Plan to see him at a meet up this Wed eve. This girl sent me a message about a week ago just to say hi, which I didn't respond to and which I feel a bit bad about. Am worried she might message me again though, as don't know what to do i.e whether to ignore her or not. It might also get back to him? Is a really difficult situation still, but want to move on if I can. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Look, he is not interested in you that way. If a man is interested and attracted to you and you let them know you like them, they would be very pleased and jump on it unless otherwise committed. Yes, he is more attracted to her because she is younger. It's a fact of life. He may be more interested in yet some other woman neither of you even know about. Stop trying to offer yourself up to him as a consolation prize! He doesn't "need to think about it." It was his way of trying to avoid telling you sorry, no. Put your energies onto someone else now, in the group or out of the group. Why stick around and torture yourself watching him do other women? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Well, there was such a feeding frenzy in college that the girls in my dorm held auctions for who got three week rights to "work on" getting the guys. Some of them got a few for real cheap. Others like me traded all their chips for one. But if nothing materialized at the end of three weeks, back in the pot they went. I went to the wrong college. I wish I went to yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Look, he is not interested in you that way. If a man is interested and attracted to you and you let them know you like them, they would be very pleased and jump on it unless otherwise committed. Yes, he is more attracted to her because she is younger. It's a fact of life. He may be more interested in yet some other woman neither of you even know about. Stop trying to offer yourself up to him as a consolation prize! He doesn't "need to think about it." It was his way of trying to avoid telling you sorry, no. Put your energies onto someone else now, in the group or out of the group. Why stick around and torture yourself watching him do other women? I'm aware there could be someone else neither of us know about and there is no need to be so blunt. He is not my only option, but obviously have been keen on him. I am trying to move on though. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I'm aware there could be someone else neither of us know about and there is no need to be so blunt. He is not my only option, but obviously have been keen on him. I am trying to move on though. Hi golden, I would try to be friends with both of them. You have nothing invested in either one and avoiding the girl, since you have mentioned her to him already, won't help. The best case is that he is fond of you despite this girl's efforts. The worst is that you gain two friends but do not have a boyfriend. That is not a bad worst. I think you are attractive to him but men will explore options before they settle down. It is best to take a light-hearted approach for now. Don't let either of them spoil your fun, have you looked around at other people at your meet-ups? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I went to the wrong college. I wish I went to yours. On the down side, we didn't get much studying done! Link to post Share on other sites
girl-in-boots Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I'm aware there could be someone else neither of us know about and there is no need to be so blunt. He is not my only option, but obviously have been keen on him. I am trying to move on though. There's nothing wrong with being blunt, preraph wasn't being rude or trying to hurt your feelings, she was just being honest and to the point. He's not that into you and it's got nothing to do with this younger woman. The fact that you're referring to other men as 'options' sounds like you're either ignoring them or put them in the friend zone without a second thought just as this man has done with you. Be honest and think about how much thought you have given to a man you friend zoned because that's possibly on par with how much thought this man gives to you when you're not around You can either decide to hang around and read something into every little nothing he does or you can move on and keep yourself open for someone who wants to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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