Men: Does online dating affect your confidence?

[40 Fonzarelli]

It seems like men experience lots of rejection on dating sites. Many complain that they send tons of messages and rarely get a response. Would you say this has negatively affected your confidence/self-esteem in the real world?

[carhill]

If I had to directly compare, real life rejection was more painful and probably affected confidence more than any online rejection experienced, including real life rejections which resulted from online first contacts. At the time, I put a lot of stock in the real over the virtual, probably to my own detriment. However, since real predated virtual by 15 years or so, perhaps the pattern was ingrained sufficiently to forestall any meaningful change. Ultimately, it took caring less, in general, to achieve any modicum of success. While success can be fulfilling, I sometimes wonder if I gave up some positive parts of myself to get there. Such are the musings of middle age I guess.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a man but OLD really shook my confidence. I felt more rejected through that process then I ever did IRL.

[slizl]

OLD didn't shake my confidence, but it was demoralizing. I could probably be at a bar and do well IRL with 90% of the women who I emailed on OLD, however, I only had around a 15% response rate on OLD.

[BikerAccnt]

Nope, didn't effect mine.

 

 

I had my share of rejections, but, my share of dates too. I met my current GF on Match, and we've been going out coming on 9 mos. now.

[40 Fonzarelli]

If I had to directly compare, real life rejection was more painful and probably affected confidence more than any online rejection experienced, including real life rejections which resulted from online first contacts. At the time, I put a lot of stock in the real over the virtual, probably to my own detriment. However, since real predated virtual by 15 years or so, perhaps the pattern was ingrained sufficiently to forestall any meaningful change. Ultimately, it took caring less, in general, to achieve any modicum of success. While success can be fulfilling, I sometimes wonder if I gave up some positive parts of myself to get there. Such are the musings of middle age I guess.

 

While I agree real life rejection sucks, the sheer volume of virtual rejections isn't easy to swallow either.

 

OLD didn't shake my confidence, but it was demoralizing. I could probably be at a bar and do well IRL with 90% of the women who I emailed on OLD, however, I only had around a 15% response rate on OLD.

 

Yeah I completely agree. I know it's not a true reflection of real life dating but I can't help but feel rejected and I think I might be better off just quitting OLD. It's just so tempting though to browse while you're at home since you can't be out all the time.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I'm not a man but OLD really shook my confidence. I felt more rejected through that process then I ever did IRL.

 

But how often did you send the initial message? I'm sure women get rejected as well but definitely not as much as men. As soon as a woman opens an account she gets flooded with emails.

[fortyninethousand322]

I already had low confidence before I tried OLD. I'm not sure if it made it worse. It certainly hasn't helped.

[Leroy82]

Very good question. I've never really thought of this until now. This is why I like E-Harmony over all the rest. On the other OLD sights, you are taking time out of your life to send a message to a girl, being creative and commenting on your profile, hoping what you write will grab her attention to want to replay back. And for her not to respond, yes it can mess up your confidence. If it happens a lot. But I try not to take it serious. You can't!

 

As for E-Harmony, you just submit your questions and its done. If they don't respond back. Its not as big of a deal. Make sense?

 

Thats my thought....

[chphan]

It probably did. Especially in the beginning when you are a noob with high hopes. Then you start to think what's wrong with you.

Luckily doing some search to see what other guys responses were and coming it. Seem like it's not the norm to get a super low response rate back.

 

Now I just chuck it off as it's OLD.

[MrNate 2.0]

I wouldn't know because I never OLD and probably never will.

 

1. Because the forum knows how I feel about OLD for men (Generally a waste of time). There's doezens, if not hundreds of men messaging the same women.

When the demand (to date her) rises, the more she looks for the 'top of the line'.

 

2. Your chances are exponentially better in real life. You're not bound to pictures and words. You actually get to convey your personality.

 

 

So for any man who is not exceptionally gifted in terms of looks/words/etc., your chances are significantly better IRL.

Edited December 3, 2014 by MrNate 2.0

[shet]

Agree with MrNate. OLD, the brief times I've tried it down the years, has been destructive to my psyche, with abysmal response rates. You feel a thousand times less attractive than you are. Profile doesn't matter, message composition doesn't matter, I'm not photogenic and that's all that counts. For reference see my recent experiment with Tinder, where I received not a single match in 500+ yes swipes. You're an item on a menu in OLD.

 

I do far better in real life, where I'm not an item on a menu, I'm a vibrant intelligent large as life man engaging with you, connecting and making you laugh. I can also see you clearly, physically and mentally, instead of a posed airbrushed pic and a profile full of lies and hidden agendas. I know if I want to talk to you, if you want to talk to me, and what to talk about. In fact, you know the same about me. Everybody wins.

 

And, ultimately, in real life I'm meeting women who are out in the world socialising naturally and doing things, instead of fiddling with dating sites and apps at home alone looking at thumbnails of men and reading text on a screen, casually making the cruellest judgements. I suspect that's an important part of the dichotomy. Women I like IRL never do OLD and wouldn't dream of it. Often women I don't like IRL are OLD users.

[smg15]

If the rejections are spread out then it doesn't affect me that much. For example, I if met a girl in April, July, and October and was only rejected by the one I met in July, then im fine.

 

BUT

 

if i meet two girls in the same month and there is no second month, I may not be feeling as confidence

[marcjb]

If anything, it improved my confidence.

[Andy_K]

Tricky call. On one hand, the sheer volume of rejections is a tough pill to swallow. The abysmal match rate on tinder makes me second guess the girls who tell me I'm hot in real life.

 

But on the other hand... My best relationships have come from OLD, and I've dated better looking girls from online sites than I've ever made a first connection with in real life.

[Toodaloo]

I wouldn't know because I never OLD and probably never will.

 

1. Because the forum knows how I feel about OLD for men (Generally a waste of time). There's doezens, if not hundreds of men messaging the same women.

When the demand (to date her) rises, the more she looks for the 'top of the line'.

 

2. Your chances are exponentially better in real life. You're not bound to pictures and words. You actually get to convey your personality.

 

 

So for any man who is not exceptionally gifted in terms of looks/words/etc., your chances are significantly better IRL.

 

Well I am giving it a go and having read the threads about women ignoring messages all the time etc I can tell you now... Day 4 and not one message has been sent to me nor a response from the messages I have sent.

 

I guess the difference is that I am happy with that. It doesn't bother me because I am aware that 99 times out of 100 any interaction is going no where. It is just hello for hello's sake. I am not going to send hundreds of messages I will log on every few days and have a look for 10 minutes but thats it.

 

Mr Nate is right. Unless someone is standing in front of you they are not going to see your personality.

[Diezel]

Only in the beginning.

The best I could ever pull off of a OLD site was maybe a 5 or a 6?

 

All these mediocre women get 100 messages a day from desperate men, so I'm sure they have more than their fair share of options. It's funny because through non-OLD options, I fare MUCH better than if I used PoF or Match or OKC. Now I just chalk it up to side-game.

 

If I get a message on OLD, I'll entertain the idea, but other than that, I do the majority of my work through other venues and options.

 

And yet, 4 years later, I've seen some of the same women, still on there... "looking for love".

[JuneJulySeptember]

I would say if anything real life rejection has been worse.

 

As of now, my rejection rate in online dating (which is 100%) is not much worse than my real life rejection rate.

 

But in my real life rejection rate, I laugh, and share stories with the women and create a rapport, ranging from a few pleasant minutes to a few years. So, when those women reject me, it's worse, because they are not just rejecting my looks, they are rejecting my looks after I know they like me as a person.

 

All men should try OLD though.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Only in the beginning.

The best I could ever pull off of a OLD site was maybe a 5 or a 6?

 

All these mediocre women get 100 messages a day from desperate men, so I'm sure they have more than their fair share of options. It's funny because through non-OLD options, I fare MUCH better than if I used PoF or Match or OKC. Now I just chalk it up to side-game.

 

If I get a message on OLD, I'll entertain the idea, but other than that, I do the majority of my work through other venues and options.

 

And yet, 4 years later, I've seen some of the same women, still on there... "looking for love".

 

Interesting.

 

And what would you consider yourself? And how high do you pull IRL?

[the tank]

Getting reject on the website didnt affect me. Since I never met them. Her loss. But I had many dates during fews months. At first I didnt care but getting reject after 3+ dates hurt my ego a bit ! If I had date the same amount on woman in real life, I dont think I will be single right now ahah That's why I go back to real life

[Diezel]

Interesting.

 

And what would you consider yourself? And how high do you pull IRL?

 

I would consider myself a strong 7. I wouldn't know, to be honest. Maybe an 8. Depends on perspective. It's my confidence and ambition that comes across as attractive as well as my sense of humor, but only 2 of those 3 are easily portrayed at first glance. In OLD, you don't get a lot of that. It's just a blank canvas with words on it.

 

In OLD, the highest I've pulled is maybe a 6 or a 7.

 

IRL, the highest I've pulled is a 9. I can constantly get higher and better quality off of IRL dating than I can on OLD. All those 8's and 9's are either there for the attention of OLD or they are going with guys who possibly offer way more than I can and they are just there for the choosing.

 

I have way more disadvantages through OLD than I do IRL.

It just "seems" that OLD is so much easier than IRL. It can be, for females. But they also have to wade through dozens of garbage male profiles to find anything good. And in doing so, sometimes they discard real potential men that in IRL they might actually be interested in.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I would consider myself a strong 7. I wouldn't know, to be honest. Maybe an 8. Depends on perspective. It's my confidence and ambition that comes across as attractive as well as my sense of humor, but only 2 of those 3 are easily portrayed at first glance. In OLD, you don't get a lot of that. It's just a blank canvas with words on it.

 

In OLD, the highest I've pulled is maybe a 6 or a 7.

 

IRL, the highest I've pulled is a 9. I can constantly get higher and better quality off of IRL dating than I can on OLD. All those 8's and 9's are either there for the attention of OLD or they are going with guys who possibly offer way more than I can and they are just there for the choosing.

 

I have way more disadvantages through OLD than I do IRL.

It just "seems" that OLD is so much easier than IRL. It can be, for females. But they also have to wade through dozens of garbage male profiles to find anything good. And in doing so, sometimes they discard real potential men that in IRL they might actually be interested in.

 

IRL, I've dated women who are as high as maybe a 6 to some.

 

But the problem is I'm looking for compatibility. I get screened out via looks so often IRL and in OLD than it just becomes impossible to really get to meet women who might click with me better than the women I've already dated. That's why I started OLD. It's impossible to get any volume in at my age IRL. Too many women are taken.

 

I see women who are a match background wise and they screen me out.

 

I mean yea, sure, I can go for unattractive, *fill in the minority race*, heavyset/overweight women, who have no education with 4 kids. And even if they went for me (which those women have their own strong preferences), we have nothing in common.

 

Frustrating.

Edited December 3, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[ThaWholigan]

Rejection online never bothered my confidence much. I was already lacking confidence from IRL interactions. Things picked up for a while, so I know that I can do OK on OLD. But no, I can't say it affected my confidence too much - well, it did for the better as I did meet some women from it. Not often, but it was fruitful.

 

I've learned to deal with rejection much better over the years - especially now because of my job

[sillyanswer]

It seems like men experience lots of rejection on dating sites. Many complain that they send tons of messages and rarely get a response. Would you say this has negatively affected your confidence/self-esteem in the real world?

 

Not at all. A girl asked me out today.

[insert_name]

It dented my confidence at the beginning. Ive now resched a point where I am awesome at sending a message, getting a profile view, but no reply. It haopens without fail. It doesnt affect my confidence because I dont expect any other outcome and because I dont see how a girl who doesnt know me can truly reject me anyway based on some photos that paint a very subjective picture of what I look like and a short bit of text that indicates how awesome I am.

 

In fact thats the problem with OLD for a lot of guys, its just so hard just to get talking to someone. Its a crapshoot that you not only have to look the right way, but say the things they are looking to hear with very little margin for error.

You cant even just stsrt a conversation and see how it goes, because there is so much emphasis on the female to reject the male at the first opportunity. Okay the opening line might be a bit mundane but Im sure some of the best relationships the world have seen has started on a foundation of "hey, whats up?"

 

OLD really seems to be about instant gratification for women and when you think in terms of the odds of trying to beat this it stands to reason that a lot of guys are not going to succeed and its not really a reflection on them at all, they just dont get a chance for their true character to come out unless they can do it instantaneously in a profile and an opening message. Its a wonder that all but the best looking men manage to succeed at all at it. For the ones that dont command instant attraction its a lottery of capturing a girls attention at a point where not a lot is going on. Dont mean this to come across as a whinge, just an observation of how heavily stacked the odds are when its a struggle to get a conversation going.